REMEMBERING OUR SWEET SAMUEL

Hope was not in a good mood as you can tell...

I have to tell you that celebrating Samuel's 2nd birthday in Heaven didn't really go at all like I had thought or planned. We had been so busy, the house was a mess, and unfortunately there was work that just had to get done. Louis, had his confirmation at church on Sunday, and we were having company so there were things that had to be accomplished. But honestly, it is funny how even in that, a part of me has to trust that was how the Lord wanted it to go for us... maybe He knew I would need a bit of a distraction during the two days. So I trust that it went how the Lord wanted it to go.

We were able to go see a matinee at the movie theatre as a family. We did that last year, and it was a treat again, as we do not do that often at all. The boys and Greg finished up the loft that they had been working on in their room. Now all it needs is a coat or 2 of paint... their room has so much more space now, which is really nice. Daddy won major points there with mom and with the boys, they think they have the coolest room EVER!

We were able to release balloons, we did this at our walk to remember, but we had more time to really think about what we wanted to write on them here at home. We had cake and just did a lot of remembering of our precious Samuel.

I have to be honest that Friday was REALLY hard. It is amazing how you can feel yourself going there... to that really sad, despairing, remembering the details of how it all happened. I really don't think I could stop myself if I tried. Those were the days 2 years ago that life changed forever, I changed forever, and I experienced in my body the worst possible thing I could have ever imagined. You can't help but remember... this was the time of day we knew officially he was really gone, this was the time of day I totally lost it with the nurses in the room, this was the time of day I pushed him out and first set eyes on him... this was the time of day we handed him over to the nurse for the very last time... never to set eyes on him again this side of heaven. I think that is part of it... the beautiful moments with Samuel, and the awful memories all at the same time.

I truly had a few hours in my bed with Greg where I was beside myself in sadness. It is amazing how you can go back to that place. I still go there occasionally, but Friday when I was there, I had the realization that was where I had been living for about a year straight after he died. I am so thankful to not be there anymore permanently, but just to go there occasionally and for a much shorter period of time. I don't know if that makes sense, but it is the only way I can think to express it. We didn't watch his video or go through his things... I really didn't think I could do it... and I know those are both things I can really do at any time.... when I am ready again.

The 2 days went ok... as well as I can expect I guess. At this point I think I am just a bit emotionally exhausted. I am so thankful for the Lord's healing in my life. I am so thankful for the blessing of Samuel and that God chose us to be Samuel's family here on earth. I can't wait to be reunited with my son someday in Heaven... but right now, that seems so far off. I guess with each year that passes, I am one year closer tothat day. I continue to pray that the Lord will continue to heal our family... I know that I personally have a very long way to go. But it is nice to see progress with time. I just spoke with a woman that lost her husband about 17 years ago, and she said she still struggles at that time of year when he was hospitalized and passed away. That brought me comfort in knowing that there is no time table with grief. It helped me feel more normal, and not so alone in the suffering of losing someone I love so much! I will go where the Lord leads me in my grief and hopefully will allow Him to use our grief as well.

Samuel,
Mommy never stops thinking about you and being thankful for your short life inside of me. Samuel, you changed me forever, in ways I never knew possible. Even though you never breathed a breath of life on this earth, your life mattered to us. God created you, you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe. He knit you together inside of me. I feel so blessed that I got the chance to carry you for your time here on this earth. We loved you from the minute we knew you were a coming... we treasured our 9 months and 1 day with you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, pain and all, just to have you a part of our life again. What a gift you were to us.

We can't wait to see you again, and to have our family be whole and together again for eternity. Missing and loving you, my sweet precious Samuel... today... and forever!

THE KIDS BALLOONS

MORE OF CELEBRATING SAMUEL'S 2ND BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN

MOMMY'S BALLOON...

EXCUSE ALL MY COOKING MESS ALL OVER MY BELLY... NOT SURE THE APRON STILL FITS:)

WATCHING OUR BALLOONS FLY AWAY...

JOJO HELPED MAKE SAMUEL'S CAKE, WE OPTED FOR 3 LAYERS THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF 6....

WE HAD SUCH A NICE TIME DECORATING OUR CAKE WITH SKITTLES... WITH EACH SKITTLE WE HAD TO SAY A MEMORY VERSE, SOMETHING WE WERE THANKFUL FOR THIS PAST YEAR, OR SOME WAY GOD HELPED US THROUGH OUT THE PAST YEAR... IT HELPED ME TO BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON ALL GOD HAS DONE FOR US WHEN MY HEART WAS HURTING SO DEEPLY.

SO THANKFUL FOR GOD'S FAITHFULNESS THROUGH IT ALL!

A FULL HEART....

(I can never figure out how to make a scanned picture appear the normal size... sorry... can you squint and see his preciousness??:)

On the eve ( Well actually, since it is after 12, it isn't really the eve anymore) of my sweet Samuel's 2nd birthday in heaven, my heart is full...

Full of love for my Gracious God for blessing us with this new son growing in my womb.

Full of thankfulness for the good news at today's ultrasound, of a healthy baby thus far... growing exactly as He should be. (As crazy as this may sound to those of you who haven't lost babies, and as normal as this may sound to those of you who have... I truly feel like at any ultrasound we may see that precious heart not beating anymore... so so so VERY thankful for a strong healthy beating heart today! :)

Full of love for this precious boy, I CAN NOT WAIT to meet at the appointed time God has for us to see each other face to face.

Full of amazement in a God who could create this life. Today at the ultrasound, as I was watching that little boy wiggle and squirm... I COULD NOT believe that this little one was literally frozen for 5 years... only God could work that kind of miracle! Isn't that incredible!?

Full of prayers for those who are hurting tonight.

Full of prayers to be able to fully ENJOY this pregnancy with a heart full of love and joy... not the fear that can sometimes grip me.

FULL OF ABSOLUTELY UNENDING LOVE FOR MY LITTLE BOY SAMUEL, WHOSE LIFE WE WILL CELEBRATE THE NEXT TWO DAYS.

(MANY ASK WHEN WE CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY... THE ANSWER WHICH MAY SEEM STRANGE TO SOME, IS BOTH DAYS. THE 29TH WAS THE DAY THAT HE STOPPED MOVING, WE FOUND OUT HIS SOUL WAS ALREADY WITH JESUS, AND WE STARTED THE INDUCTION. THE 30TH WAS THE DAY THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY BORN AND THAT WE GOT TO SPEND WITH HIM, LOVE ALL THAT GOD CREATED IN THAT SPECIAL BABY BOY. I JUST CAN'T PICK ONE DAY, THEY BOTH WERE FULL OF SO MANY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES)

FULL OF SORROW, SADNESS, AND BROKEN HEARTED CHEST HURTING GRIEF AS I STILL MISS HIM SO SO MUCH.

FULL OF SOME JOY AND THANKFULNESS FOR EVERY MINUTE WE HAD WITH HIM INSIDE OF ME.

FULL OF MEMORIES.... PONDERINGS... WHAT IFS?... WHAT COULD HAVE BEENS?... KNOWING FULL WELL THAT ALL OF THOSE THINGS AND PLANS IN MY MIND, WEREN'T THE SAME AS THE LORD'S AND JUST WEREN'T MEANT TO BE.

FULL OF SURRENDERING TO, AND TRUSTING IN THE ONE WHO PERFECTLY CREATED THAT SWEET BOY AND GAVE US THE GIFT OF BEING HIS EARTHLY FAMILY.

So there you have it... in a nutshell... The perfect blend of joy and pain all that the same time. That seems to be the new normal for us now. We honor one life and celebrate a new life... totally different and separate from Samuel's life, and in no way a replacement. No one could ever replace him. Each child is unique. This is the perfect new person that God has planned to be a part of our family.

I will try to update over the next couple of days to share how we honored the precious life of our Samuel.

Thanks for your love and prayers.

THE OTHER NIGHT...

The other evening I decided I needed to take the last lap around the neighborhood by myself. I was sort of at that point, that I wasn't sure I could answer another 20 questions in the next 10 minutes:) I have found my patience growing thinner and my stress level rising as we approach the end of this month... I will welcome November. October is not usually super busy, but it has been nonstop,homeschooling, teaching Sunday School, the kids and I put together bags of fun stuff for little ones to look at during the church services, Wednesday nights and trying to get a meal up there for our family and a couple of other kids to eat before the Wednesday night activities, soccer practices and games, and then the extra things that come up at the last minute, for example... when my "dear" husband told me last night at 10:00 pm that we needed to feed 10 men breakfast up at church today... so the kids and I set to work getting that all done, and needless to say we had our own little minefield right here in our home. Ugh! I am just worn out and a bit weary... the emotions are high and near that point of overflowing my full cup, if you know what I mean.

I am in no way, saying my life is any busier than anyone elses... I know we all are busy these days. Our life seems to cycle through those super busy times, so I am looking forward to it settling down. The crazy thing is with Samuel's birthday around the corner, all I want to do is be "not busy" Do whatever we want to do as a family, whatever we need to do to remember our time with our precious son...

Anyways, back to my walk. I was doing some talking with the Lord ( more like I was doing some talking, venting, and He was listening) over my memories of this time 2 years ago... my heart was weary and my tears were flowing. As I rounded the bend to turn around and come back towards our side of the neighborhood... my eyes were amazed by this beautiful pink sky with a double rainbow right by our neighbors house. The sunset never even shows on that part of the sky... It was the oddest thing. I cut through the yards to try to grab my camera and get some pictures, it was just beautiful. This is what I saw....

This is really how vibrant it looked... I have never seen a rainbow on a pink sky...

Once I got some pictures, I headed back around the house to cut back through the yards to start my walk where I left off, but I was literally stopped in my tracks... it was like the sky was on fire. That whole horizon was ablaze in God's glory... It was like he was reminding me of His promises to NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US... as much as that may have been how it felt 2 years ago... I now can look back and see Him walking us through the past 2 years. And I knew he would walk through this next week with us as well!

It was so beautiful and such a VIVID reminder of the Lord's presence in our daily lives. It was exactly what I needed to see and hear from the Lord. I was so thankful to just have that 10 turned into 30 minutes with him soaking in the beauty of His creation.

So it is with a heart that is feeling a bit heavier as each day passes, that we step forward one day at a time. I am not really sure what the Lord has in store for us for Samuel's birthday. We have a few special things planned. More than anything else this mama just wants to remember His preciousness, every single bit of him, and our time with him. I know it will be hard, but I choose to trust Him, the one who knew my Samuel before he was even created in my womb.

THANKFUL THURSDAYS

I am joining in my sweet son, Louis', blog hop Thankful Thursday. I think it is ALWAYS good to look at all the blessings we have in our lives and thank God for the gifts He has given to us.


1. Tonight I am thankful for my sweet friend Becky. (I love my friend Mary too:) Becky is on the left in the picture below.

(I know this may embarrass you Beck, but I can't help myself... I just got off the phone with you, and you sat and listened to me, tears and all, as usual. And I love you for it!!!) She is one of my sweet seminary friends, we are so like minded in many of the ways that make us somewhat usual to others:) She is getting ready to have their 7th child anytime in the next month. It is Becky and her husband Chad that really made adopting a reality in our future when we met them... they had already adopted 2, and we were so blessed to walk through the adoption journey of their precious Asher, our Godson, while we were at Sem with them.

She is one of the most compassionate people I know. I tell her all the crazy things that grief causes me to think, feel or even do... and she never freaks out... in fact, her reactions always reassure me. She was one of the few people we called when we knew Samuel was gone... I knew she would get people on campus praying for us. And she has received many a tear filled conversation since. We can be crying one minute and laughing at the reality of our crazy filled lives in the next minute. Really, God has given her the most tremendous heart and I am so fortunate to call her my precious friend...

2. I am thankful for this sweet pumpkin JOJO, that God blessed me with 5 1/2 years ago.

He is such a funny kid and comes out with the funniest remarks that just make my day. Yesterday, he and I were sitting on the couch and he says, "Mama, I see something sweet." I said, "Really, what?" And he says, "YOU!" He really has such a tender heart, and is so easy going. He is actually a breeze to raise, so far at least:) This goofball is one of my hearts delight:)

Dancing in the Minefields

A few weeks back, late one night, after the kids were in bed, my honey and were dancing in the dark to this amazing song... DANCING IN THE MINEFIELDS by Andrew Peterson. (I have to add here that one of my first heart thumping... I really like this guys moments, was when Greg asked me to dance at a costume dance my sophomore year of college:)

I have to say Andrew Peterson is one of my all time favorite artists...very folksy... such a great story teller...and absolutely hilarious in concert.

As I sit through my husband leading he Love an Respect Bible class at church on Wednesday nights... really I fall more in love with the guy! Now I will never be one to sugar coat our relationship and pretend that our life is perfect... it is far from the Perfect that I think that the Lord would desire...(and it really can get under my skin when someone candy coats things and makes it seem like everything in life is peaches... maybe that is how their lives are.... but ours certainly isn't.... and honestly I have seen some of those "perfect lives"completely come crashing to the ground)

I pray that this song ministers to your heart and helps you appreciate the loved ones you have in your life.

The following are just some of the reasons I love my husband so much and some of the minefields we have danced through in the for better and for worse of the last 17+ years...

2 1/2 months after we started dating Greg was diagnosed with cancer... His faith was SO SO strong... I remember his parents telling me that when he went into surgery, he wrote on a paper notebook, "I CAN NOT LOSE!" He was too choked up to say it, but he knew if he didn't make it through surgery he would wake up with the Lord, and if he did make it, well then he would have more days to live out here on earth... He has an unshakable faith, even in life's harshest times... still does

He is so humble and a true peacemaker... when he very unfairly lost a job... I was ready to raise some serious heck... I wanted him to write a letter to the board of directors. I wanted the truth to be told. Not Greg, he didn't want to keep a record of wrongs, he knew the Lord would take care of that in the long run.

He lovingly walked with me through some times struggling with infertility and always encouraged me to hang on... He knew I had dreamt of being a mommy ever since I was a little girl...

He has helped lead our family through 5 different and some very difficult moves.

He has been so supportive, way more so than I ever could have imagined or thought when our son Samuel died. Truly, he never questions the tears that still come. He validates my longings and missing of my boy. As much as my mommy heart grieves so differently than his daddy heart does... he never judges and just wants to let me get it off my chest or to get me whatever I might need at the time to help me. He has gone above the call of duty OVER AND OVER AGAIN on this one, and know he will continue to.

He has walked through miscarriage, and the loss of a perspective adopted child, Joel.

Shoot, he puts up with me... I know there are times that I am not the easiest to live with... I am just being real! I would love to say that life with me is a bowl of cherries, but I know that wouldn't be completely true:)

He was a rock during a very up in the air, ever changing adoption of our sweet Hope Jubilee.

He was willing and on board with adopting our sweet 7 embryos... one of which is safely growing in my womb... Praise God!

I remember when were engaged talking about having 4 kids... who would have thought we would have 6 and another on the way, and Greg has been so along for this ride the Lord has brought us on.

There have been times of incredible joy, fun, laughs and amazement... and many times of incredible sadness and trials. But through it all there isn't anyone else I would want to be dancing through these minefields with... no one but him.

As we see marriages all around us falling apart, and I am not lying... I can think of 5 just off the top of my head...It is so obvious that the devil is roaring around looking for someone, looking for marriages to devour.

I am so very thankful that Greg is in it for the long haul... So thankful that he knows it will be a lot of work to navigate the minefields from the past and the ones in our future and he is willing to do that work. He knows we need the Lord's guidance every step of the way...we can't do it on our own... we really aren't capable of not messing things up on our own... We are 2 imperfect people joined as one:) We are a marriage of 3... Him... God... and me:)

I look so forward to weathering the storms with him... they are sure to continue to come as we walk through this life. I can't wait to grow old and wrinkly with him if that is the Lord's will for us... I pray that it is...

Now I am off to take my honey out on a date (Thank the Lord for kids who are old enough to finally babysit...yay Louis! ) and then I think later after the kids are in bed... we will crank up the music, not too loud of course:) and do some dancing:)

Enjoy the song... don't forget to hit the pause button on my play list on the side!