A NEW ADVENTURE

THE ADVENTURE OF CLOTH DIAPERS....

I THINK I TRIED THIS WHEN LOUIS WAS A BABY...

BOY HAVE CLOTH DIAPERS COME ALONG WAY SINCE THEN...

I STILL PLAN ON USING DISPOSABLE WHEN WE ARE OUT AND AT BEDTIME...

WE WILL SEE HOW IT GOES... SO FAR SO GOOD:)

BACK HOME

DEENA AND ME

On the way down we stopped at Grandma and Grandpa Bottoms for lunch and a quick visit. It was such a treat. As usual we left feeling like we had to roll ourselves out of there. She is an amazing cook. It was so nice to see them and visit with them. We still really miss having them up here and being able to enjoy time with them at their home. But it was a huge blessing that they were right on the way to the conference I was attending. The kids were so excited to be able to see their adopted "Oklahoma grandparents" again.

GREG'S SISTER LISA, DALE, AND MEGS AND MADDIE.

I got the nicest card from Lisa while we were down there... she had all these little cards with verses of encouragement on them packed into the envelope. It was just what I needed.


ANNA AND GREAT GRANNY

THE KIDS WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

I am realizing one thing... it is hard to find pictures that sweet baby girl is not in. But here are a few from our trip and I will post more as I tell you a bit more about our vacation.

We had such a nice time... besides the whole being sick part:) I also realized during this trip that being sick in your own home, makes for an easier situation. When the littlest girl in the house started vomiting, I really thought it was a food allergy thing. She seems to have some issues with food that we need to get checked out. We are almost 100% sure that she has a potato allergy. ( I know that is pretty weird huh?) Anyways she was great from Sat. afternoon on so we figured we could go ahead with the whole extended family Christmas celebration. Unbeknownst to us we passed the bug to 2 other families. I still feel bad about that.

Once we were all feeling better we did have a great time. It went too quickly as usual. Greg's parents are always great hosts... even when they are sick with a bug that we gave to them:) It had been almost a year since we were down there, so it was especially nice and it was great to have them all get a chance to meet baby girl:) I think at first she was wondering about all the new faces... but she warmed up pretty quickly. Given all that she has been through, she really does amazingly well around new people. I remember praying the first night as we rode to get her, that God would protect her from any lasting trauma from all that she had gone through. We were so glad that our Texas friends and relatives could meet face to face the little one that they are lifting up in prayer.

I hope to post more about our trip and lots of crazy things I have been processing in my mind...

I will try over the next couple of days.

NOW, JUST BLESSINGS

Thank God, that all of the barfing has stopped at least in our home...

I still feel awful, Greg's cousin and niece both seemed to have come down with it now... and my sister in law may be next. Big bummer. I am praying that they recover quickly...

It all reminds me of our trip to Wisconsin, the one where now all my relatives remember it by saying, "Remember the time we all got the Louis fluie?" That was a long time ago...

We had a beautiful day... I can't post any pictures from my in laws computer, but will when I get home. It was gorgeous out, so we headed to the park. We also let the kids jump rope, roller blade and rip stix around the cul du sac. Caleb was hilarious, he totally was pretending to be Apollo Ohno. I think he did over 50 laps around that thing... and he still had tons of crazy energy when we were playing our board game tonight. It was so nice to get out and get some fresh air today. We all needed it.

Well, I wanted to share too, that as far as the sweet little girl goes... the appeal has been made... so the wait till we know the outcome of this will be even longer. Ugh! Really, I knew it could happen, but it still makes me a little mad... is that wrong? Caleb, last night was crying about how unfair life is. It was all in reference to losing Samuel, then faith's baby, then the miscarriage, and still being unsure if we will get to keep this sweet little girl. I had to ask him if he thought we should still pursue conceiving and adoption or if it was just too hard for him and the other kids. He right away said that it was worth the risk to him. Of course these are all great teaching moments to talk with him about how life isn't fair, but that God will sustain us through whatever He allows to come our way. There are so many who have it far far worse than us... We have much to be grateful for... I always want my kids to know that.

Anyways, we should know a bit more within the next couple of weeks but I am sure the appeal to the OKla-oma Supre-e court will take a long while. Your prayers are always appreciated. Please pray that the Lord fills all of our hearts with great peace that can only be from Him. Pray for things to happen as quickly as possible. Pray for wisdom for our family. Please also pray for the Lord's protection on this little girl's life all of the way through.

This makes me fear what could happen even if we end up with her in the end...Obviously, this is my great desire, of course, but there is a fear that we can protect ALL of our children. I wonder if I will need to make my blog private. I already am thinking of changing things so that it becomes a little more anonymous. I need to get to that soon. I am so computer illiterate which means that may take a lot of effort for someone like me... Anyone have any tips for me?

Thanks again for hanging with us on this journey... God is faithful... He can move mountains... He will strengthen us for the road ahead... He will walk it with us!

Ok, I need to run... Hoping to hit IKEA tomorrow:)

BLESSINGS AND A WHOLE LOT OF BARFING...

Well, I know that is not the best title for my post... but it is what we are experiencing at the moment.

We headed down to Texas to FINALLY celebrate Christmas with my in-laws. (My mother in law was ready with Christmas cookies and the tree still up) Greg was such a gem to drop me off in Dallas to attend a Mother's conference with Sally Clarkson. I met up with my precious friend Mary and a bunch of her friends. It was an absolute blessing for me to be with those ladies. I am so thankful my dear friend has such wonderful friends. When we moved and left my sweet friend Mary and her husband Chris almost 11 years ago... we cried... we still cry when we talk about us moving. But I am so thankful that God blessed her with such great, welcoming, loving friends... they accepted me right in as one of their own... so neat to be with other sisters in Christ. The conference was awesome, the fellowship great... an absolutely delightful time....

But back on the home front sickness was brewing...

Greg was up all night Friday to Saturday with Hope while she was throwing up... We all thought it was something that she ate because we are thinking for many reasons that she has some major issues with some food allergies that we are trying to figure out.

Hope was fine on Saturday afternoon and all day yesterday. We even had a wonderful night celebrating with all the extended family... (I cringe thinking that we may have exposed them all to something) ... But then Jojo started later last night, then Hope restarted... then Anna, then my father in law, and then my mother in law....

Ahhh, break out the disinfectant... I feel awful that we brought this with us somehow... I feel bad for them... and am praying that the Lord protects the rest of us from getting it:)

I was thankful for the opportunity to rest with Jojo all night and help him and pray over every inch of that little guys body... to place him repeatedly back in the Lord's care... Praise God he is on the mend... keeping things down, Hope too, and hopefully Anna and the in-laws are close behind:)

I am thankful that we have a God that heals... I have seen first hand that it may not always be a healing on this side of Heaven, but if He doesn't chose to heal here on earth... He certainly does heal them for all of eternity...

Praying that we get over this quickly so we can enjoy some good family and friend time for the rest of the week.

It was really nice to get a break from life... but I do feel a little out of touch:)

grieving mama guilt

I should warn you... this isn't a real feel good kind of post... but I need to unload a couple of things.... this is my place to do that:)

I live with regrets...

I never thought that I would say that, because I am pretty much a very honest, seize the moment kind of person, but when it comes to my loss, I do have regrets. I don't beat myself up about them because I do truly know that I did the best I could at the time. There are so many things I would do differently regarding Samuel. I will share a few with you...

If I could turn back time, I would have had my Doctor induce me a couple of weeks earlier. I had planned on having Samuel at home, but did have a back up doctor that did end up delivering him in the hospital. I was receiving care from both him and my midwife. A couple of weeks before Samuel's due date, the Doctor said, " You look pretty big, we could always induce you." Of course being a natural child birth teacher I didn't want to. Really there was absolutely no reason to... everything was going along perfectly... but now I do regret that. But Greg has told me that if Samuel's days were what they were, he still wouldn't be here... Sigh...

I would NEVER have left the hospital when I did. I delivered Samuel at 9:40 am and left by 2:40. We went straight to the airport to pick up my mother and went home... Why didn't I send someone to get her and bring her to see her grandson. No other family members besides our other children got to see Samuel. In fact only 1 friend got to see him. I regret that sooooo much. I think if others had seen him and held him, they would have had such a different perspective on our loss and grief.

I would also have spent much more time, like days, at the hospital with him. At the time they told me take all the time you need. Honestly, at the time, I thought maybe 5 hours was a long time. Now I know that many of my baby loss friends were able to spend days with their babies. They may seem odd to some, but wow, 5 hours was way, way too short.

I would have taken more pictures... Praise God for Kaycee our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer and our kids who took pictures... but me the picture taker didn't even pick up the camera... I just wanted to hold him and soak him up...I cherish every photo I have of him, but still wish I had more.

I also would not have left the hospital with out him. I know that might sound crazy, but I wish I would have waited till the funeral home came to get him or that I had taken him there myself. I don't even know if they let you do that. But then I would have KNOWN that his body was cared for properly and with respect. That still bothers me, that we just left him there... ugh...what was I thinking?

I wish I would have taken a picture of his precious little rear end... opened his eyes to see what color they were...I could go on and on.

I know that I was completely in shock, and wasn't at all thinking straight, I just wish someone would have told me some of those things or said something that would have made me think differently at the time. I forgive myself for those things but they do still bother me.

SO THERE ARE JUST A FEW OF MY REGRETS FROM BACK THEN... there are also the regrets I live with now...

Just last week, when I was at MEND, we always at the beginning of the meeting go around the circle and introduce ourselves and share what our loss was. I remember driving out there and thinking so much about Samuel. I had just taken a run before I left for MEND and had some specific thoughts that I will blog about soon. He was on my mind and I was really missing him. Well, when I introduced myself, I said my name, that I had 4 living kids, well really 4 1/2. Then I had to go on to explain Hope as the half. Then I mentioned that I had just had a miscarriage the week before. Then I was done and let the next person share. After the last few gals shared, it totally dawned on me.. "Did I not mention Samuel?" All of these ladies know me, know my story well, have walked this road of grief with me for the past 16 months... they just sort of shook their heads yes, that I hadn't mentioned Samuel. OH MY!!! I just put my head in my hands and cried. What is wrong with me that I would think about him the whole way there and then not mention him. I still think about him all the time and miss him like crazy... How did it slip my mind in that moment?

Then the guilt sets in. It drives me absolutely crazy when others purposely don't mention him because they are uncomfortable with the whole thing... but me fail to mention him at my infant loss support group. These women of course were there for me, they have seen my deep grief and know that just because I didn't mention him in my introduction doesn't mean, "I am over it" or that I miss him any less. I really think all the craziness with Hope and my miscarriage were at the forefront of my mind because these ladies didn't really know about those situations yet... but who knows, another example of how my mind is not what it used to be pre loss.

So that is just one of the crazy things that happen that I regret as I move forward with life... one step at a time, one day at a time. Even though I am in a much better place than I was this time last year... it is such a process, it still affects so much of what I do and think. I know that may be kind of tiring to read about still, for some of you. But this is where I come to unload and experiences like last week need unloading for me.

Ahhhh... that feels much better.

I am so thankful that the Lord knows my heart and my love for Samuel and all my other kids... I am so thankful that there in no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus... He doesn't condemn me for all of those little things that I regret... and I know that through this all He is working a mighty healing journey in my heart. I can feel it, I feel progress. I know I have a long way to go... but each step forward is one more step closer to eternity. Each step is one day closer to meeting my savior face to face and being reunited with my Samuel... each step is another one taken with ,Him, my Jesus, right along side of me, or ahead of me leading the way.... I will leave with one of my all time favorite verses...

Now to Him is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory and power in the church and in Christ Jesus, now and forever! Amen!

I would tell you where it is from, but at the moment I am too lazy to look it up... But no matter where it is from, isn't it an awesome verse? Immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. I don' t know about you but I can imagine some pretty amazing things... but He can do immeasurably more than the best that I can imagine. Now that is awesome.

It is late, I better hit the hay...

JOJO BRINGS JOY

Doesn't this picture just scream... rascal?

This sweet faced, blue mouthed little guy is a joy...



Today he told me that he wanted to be in the Olympics, running... a fast runner... He was so serious. It was precious and hilarious all at the same time.

He also is adamant that when he has his birthday in few weeks that He will be turning 4 again... He informed us that he does not want to grow any older. Ahhh, wouldn't that be nice if you could just keep them young forever?

He is at such a fun stage. I think I have said that about every stage with Jojo. I just look over at him and marvel at God's goodness to us. He brings us such joy.

BIRTHDAY GIRL IN THE HOUSE...

It was sweet girls birthday yesterday. I had bible study in the morning and came back to find the cake made by the big boys... They did such a good job. We had a couple presents for her but the funny part was that the kids were all coming out of the woodwork with things of their own that they wanted to give to her. It was really the first time that they were totally into what they could give one of the other kids. It was so fun to see.

Maybe someday I will be able to post pics of her eating her cake... She was so funny, it took about 5 minutes of no handed face diving at her cake before she realized she could pick it up and stuff in in her face. The kids got a total kick out of it. All in all, she didn't eat that much of it, really just played around. She is just precious, and we were so thankful to be able to have her here for her birthday. What a little sweetheart. I can't help but in my mind be thinking... I hope she stays... will she be here for her next birthday... But for now we will be thankful for the time we are given.

Then we headed to church for the chili supper for the school. Since we home school, we always want the school teachers, parents etc to know that we REALLY do support the school. Homeschooling has really not a lot to do with the church having a school. We love the school, we love the teachers, the kids, the activities, all of it. But for now, and who knows how long, we LOVE the lifestyle that homeschooling provides us. We are excited that we can pick up next week and FINALLY get in our Christmas trip to Texas. We love the flexibility and time together that it allows us. And we just plain down right love being with our kids. Before we know it, they will be out of our home, (Louis is turning into a young man before my eyes... YIKES!) and we are treasuring our time with them in our home, and the times that we have to train and teach them all we want them to know about life and their Savior before they go.

Anyways, I didn't at all want people to think that we just were out for a free meal last night, but rather a time of fellowship. The food was great, the company really nice, and by the way... my mouth was ON FIRE! I love spicy food... and the chili was great. They had a mad scientist come and do a program for the kids, which they loved. It was a nice evening. I am so glad we were able to be a part of it.