UPDATE...

Thanks for all of your prayers...

God answered in allowing it to happen quickly, I started to miscarry on Saturday afternoon. I wasn't surprised, but that is not saying that I am not still incredibly sad about it.

God was faithful in allowing me to feel peace that afternoon. Yesterday, not quite so much... am I just weak or what?

My humanness makes me question and wonder with all that happened over the last 15 months if this week will not go our way with sweet little girl... Yesterday I was standing with 3 elders at church after the service, telling them in a joking way that I don't think Oklahoma likes me very much. Then I completely lost it when Anna walked up. It just hit me again, what will my kids think, feel, do, if this doesn't go well this week. I was expressing that, and completely lost it, one of the ugly, ununderstandable ( I know that is probably not even a word), talking, crying moments... I don't think they could understand what I was even saying... poor men. They were gracious and started to pray for me. I know God is capable of all things... but like I said I balance that with the reality of how things may go, that we may have to say goodbye to her this week... that breaks my heart in two.

I will be praying and fasting on Wednesday and I think the elders of our church will be praying for us after the Wednesday nights activities.

I am praying for His will to be done... and for the very best for her to be done. (Selfishly and in my mind it seems so clear that should be her with us) The crummy part is this week is just step one, there will be step two down the road a week or two, and we should really know within a month the end result... too much waiting in my mind right now... but really, we have no choice but to wait and rest in His promise of eternity... ahhhh, there I go again... eternity... I can't wait for that!

Really, that is what brings me peace these days, thoughts of eternity... my sweet, precious, Samuel there, this new little life there...When I think of how long off that may be, I really try to focus on the fact that in the Big Picture... this life here on earth is just a little dot, the first dot on an unending line... The rest of the line is eternity... Ahhhh, resting in that thought right now.

AT A LOSS FOR WORDS...

I struggled with what to share here not really knowing exactly who reads my blog. For me, my blog has been a place for me to share my heart and I need to do that today. I have made dear and precious friends through my blog, women who truly understand where I have been and where I am today because of all that I have experienced, women who I know would want to pray. I have appreciated the prayers of ALL of you over the past 15 months. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

One thing that has always bothered me about church in general (most churches) or Christians is that it seems that many have the Sunday mask that they wear... DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT? Please know I am not at all trying to sound critical, and I want to repeat that am not talking about any church specifically, but in general. I know that happens everywhere... but why is it that I seem to be the only one who has a tear stained face on Sundays? I know others must be suffering and must not have it all together like it appears. I know that I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and quite honestly I have gotten much more careful about who I share what with... I don't like feeling burned... I guess I don't even mean burned, just more hurt by the reactions I will get. Does that make sense? But for the most part I am completely honest, vulnerable, and real with who I am and where I am at. So here goes for honest sharing...

The reason I share is to ask for your prayers... I have learned through all that I have been through in the last 15+ months that I am weak... I need the encouragement of the body of Christ.

So most of you know that I don't have an easy time conceiving, we have always struggled with getting pregnant... have had the diagnosis of SUB FERTILITY not infertility, but SUB... It doesn't sound good either way. Well, by the grace of God, I had a positive pregnancy test last week. Greg and I were so thrilled and totally surprised. After 2 blood tests, the doctor confirmed that this pregnancy will result in a miscarriage. It hasn't happened yet, but will apparently.

I don't share this to add more drama to my life. Please, please, please, know that. I don't share this to try to get any attention. I share this knowing many people have things FAR, FAR ,worse or more difficult than my current circumstances that they are dealing with... I realize that. But I share, knowing how weak and weary I have become over the past 15 months. I share knowing how powerful and faithful our God is... even in the moments when He seems silent. I share knowing all that He is capable of doing in our lives. I share also knowing I don't know what His plan is. I praise Him that it appears that I can still get pregnant. I praise Him for that life that He created no matter how long or short it is in my womb. I also share that knowing full well that things don't always go anywhere near the way that we would like them to. UGH! I can't tell you how excited we were, how quickly, even knowing full well the risks, that we/I embraced the whole idea of all that another child would mean for us.

It is hard... I know people's reactions to miscarriage vary greatly... but I know for me this will be hard.

This may sound nuts... but I am praying for a miracle... I know that may not be God's plan and I will accept that. I guess I am also praying that if it isn't His will for this little one to miraculously "make it:)" that things would progress smoothly and quickly if possible. The doctor said it could take up to 4 weeks... that feels like a long time to me. Please pray that I would take every thought captive... my mind is weak and weary and easily can get all mixed up. Please pray that God's presence would be very real to me. I feel a strong need to feel Him near me, walking through this with me, I just want His presence and peace to be undeniable. Please pray for Satan to have no way here in our lives and in this house. Please also pray for the kids, as usual, Louis took the news the hardest... but all in all I admire their child like faith and trust in God. I am praying that all of these difficult things will draw them closer to their creator and draw them into trusting Him even more.

Last night the boys and I were able to go to the Casting Crowns and Kutless concert. Truly we went to see the Chapman boys, Caleb and Will Franklin... We talked with both of them... amazing young men... truly amazing. Will Franklin and I compared our photo necklaces, his of Maria, mine of Samuel. I had seen them a couple of months ago at a concert here and knew I had to take my boys if they ever came back. We had a great picture of the 4 of them... that accidentally got deleted on the way home from the concert... big bummer. They were an absolute delight and watching them, for some crazy reason made me so proud for their mother... knowing all they have gone through with losing their sister and yet seeing them proclaim God's faithfulness was just an encouragement to me.

Their mom, Mary Beth Chapman, recently said on her blog how hard it still is for them 21 months after maria's death. She said to her girls, "We can do hard." You know I agree with her, we can do hard... it will be hard till all things are as they should be when the Lord returns or we meet Him in the clouds... we can do hard this side of heaven... that doesn't mean it will be easy, but with God's help and the love of His people surrounding us, we can do hard.

The end of this week will be big as far as the sweet little pumpkin girl we hope to make our forever daughter... I will keep you posted on that as well.

Obviously, I started by saying that I was at a loss for words, but I found a way to try to articulate it all...

Thank you again again and again for your prayers... Sad for all we are experiencing right now, but, Hopeful because I know how this will all one day end... Praise God!

15 MONTHS

IT HAS BEEN 15 MOS. SINCE WE KNEW OUR FAMILY WOULD NEVER BE COMPLETE THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN... OH HOW WE LONG FOR THE DAY WHEN WE CAN ALL BE TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY.

THESE PRECIOUS EARS HAVE BEEN HEARING THE PRAISES OF HIS CREATOR FOR A FULL 15 MONTHS... WOW, JUST TO IMAGINE IT...

FOR 15 MONTHS THESE BEAUTIFULLY FORMED LITTLE FEET HAVE BEEN WALKING THE STREETS OF GOLD... OR CRAWLING ON IT:)... WHO KNOWS IF MY SWEET BOY IS A BABY FOR A FULL GROWN MAN IN HEAVEN... I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT...

FOR 15 MONTHS THESE STRONG ARMS HAVE BEEN A CONSTANT SUPPORT TO ME.

FOR 15 MONTHS OUR HEARTS HAVE ACHED.

FOR 15 MONTHS OUR ARMS HAVE ACHED TO JUST HOLD HIM ONE MORE TIME.

FOR 15 MONTHS WE HAVE THANKED GOD FOR THE PRECIOUS GIFT OF OUR 4TH SON SAMUEL MARK AND FOR THE TIME WE HAD WITH HIM.

FOR 15 MONTHS THIS MAMA'S HEART HAS LONGED FOR MY SON. MAN, DO I MISS THE SMELL OF HIM. THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE BUT, ONE DAY I ACTUALLY TRIED TO SMELL THE LOCK OF HAIR WE HAVE ... JUST TO SEE IF I COULD SMELL HIM AGAIN... UGH... SIGH...IT STILL MAKES ME SAD THAT HIS SMELL IS GONE. I CAN BARELY DESCRIBE TO PEOPLE THE AMOUNT OF WAYS THAT SAMUEL HAS CHANGED ME OR HOW I HAVE CHANGED FROM EXPERIENCING ALL THAT WE HAVE IN THE LAST 15 MONTHS. SOME ARE WONDERFUL CHANGES, SOME NOT SO MUCH. I AM STILL REALIZING SOME OF THESE CHANGES. EVEN THOUGH 15 MONTHS HAVE PASSED, THERE ARE DAYS THAT IT FEELS LIKE LAST WEEK.THAT IS HOW VIVID AND CLEAR THE MEMORIES ARE. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE VIVID, CLEAR MEMORIES OF MY BOY. THANKFULLY FOR 15 MONTHS MY SAVIOUR HAS HELD ME IN HIS ARMS JUST LIKE I WAS HOLDING SAMUEL IN THE ABOVE PICTURE.

SAMUEL, MY SWEET PRECIOUS SON, I STILL MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY. I THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY AND WONDER WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE FOR YOU. I WONDER IF YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FRIENDS OR IF ALL OF YOU ARE TOO BUSY PRAISING OUR GREAT GOD. I WONDER IF YOU WERE THERE TO WELCOME LITTLE ZOE HOME LAST THURSDAY. I WONDER SO MUCH ABOUT YOU SON... WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE NOW. HAVING HOPE HERE HAS GIVEN ME A GLIMPSE OF ALL OF THE THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT BE DOING RIGHT NOW HAD YOU BEEN ABLE TO STAY. WE ARE SO THANKFUL TO HAVE HER HERE WITH US, BUT OUR HEARTS WISH YOU WERE HERE TOO... NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE YOU. SAMUEL, I TREASURED EACH DAY I HAD WITH YOU... I AM SO THANKFUL I KNEW THEN HOW INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS YOUR LIFE WAS... IT IS STILL JUST AS PRECIOUS TO ALL OF US. YOUR BROTHERS AND ANNA TALK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME. TONIGHT LOUIS THANKED GOD FOR YOU WHEN WE ALL PRAYED BEFORE BED. SWEET LITTLE ANNA CONTINUES TO SHED LOTS OF TEARS FOR YOU. WE ARE SO THANKFUL YOU ARE SAFE, WHOLE AND WITH JESUS... OUR HEARTS MISS YOU TERRIBLY HERE ON EARTH WITH US. WE ALL CAN'T WAIT TO JOIN YOU SOME DAY... SAMUEL I LOVE YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE MY SON... TILL WE MEET AGAIN FACE TO FACE...

MOM

COME LORD JESUS, COME!

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A COUPLE OF HOURS CAN MAKE

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON....:)

THE SNOW HAS BEEN FALLING FOR HOURS AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS OUT. I TOOK ANNA, SAVANNAH, AND JOJO OUT FOR A WALK OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD... MY NORTHERN ROOTS WERE SCREAMING..."I LOVE THIS... IT FEELS REFRESHING!!!"

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME AND BEING OUTDOORS IN ANY SORT OF FALLING PRECIPITATION. I LOVE IT.

I THINK WE HAVE ABOUT 4-5 INCHES AND IT IS STILL COMING DOWN. BLESSINGS ON YOUR WEEKEND!

THE ICE HAS ARRIVED

DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKE THIS VAN NEEDS TO TURN AROUND AND HEAD RIGHT BACK TO FLORIDA?

OUR BENCH IN SAMUEL'S GARDEN



AS COLD AND NASTY AS IT IS OUTSIDE... THE ICE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL! WE ARE SO THANKFUL TO STILL HAVE POWER. I WAS AMAZED EVEN MORE AFTER GOING OUT AND SEEING WHAT LOOKS LIKE 3/4 OF AN INCH OF ICE ON OUR CARS AND TREES. THANK YOU GOD! WE ARE PREPARED, BUT IT IS KIND OF FUN TO HANG OUT, WATCH MOVIES, TRY TO CATCH UP ON SOME SCHOOL WORK, SNUGGLE TOGETHER ON THE COUCH WITH THE HEAT STILL RUNNING:)


THE HEARING WAS CANCELED AND WILL BE POSTPONED FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON THAT. I VACILLATE BETWEEN FEELING SO AT PEACE AND THEN JUST WANTING IT TO BE OVER AND HAVING A SENSE OF IF SHE WILL STAY OR NOT... IT CAN BE REALLY HARD TO WAIT. IN THE CAR ANNA TOLD HOPE, " I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH OUT YOU LITTLE SISTER.":)


OK... MELT MY HEART. DO YOU THINK SHE UNDERSTOOD THE PART ABOUT NOT KNOWING IF SHE IS ABLE TO STAY? I LOVE THE INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN... I LOVE THAT SHE LOVES HER... I LOVE HOW RESILIENT CHILDREN ARE IN COMPARISON TO US ADULTS... I KNOW GOD'S HANDS ARE ALL OVER THIS SITUATION. I PRAY HE WILL CONTINUE TO HOLD MY KIDS HEARTS THROUGH THIS ALL.


I HAD TO TAKE THE KIDS TO THE DOCTOR YESTERDAY... THEY ALL CAME HOME FROM FLORIDA WITH COLDS. THAT WAS THE ONLY BUMMER THING OF OUR TRIP. BUT THANK GOD THEY ALL SEEM TO BE ON THE MEND.


STAY WARM EVERYONE!!
SPEND SOME TIME SNUGGLING WITH THOSE YOU LOVE...

BLOG FRIENDS CAN BE REAL LIFE DEAR FRIENDS

MY SWEET NEW FRIENDS EBE AND TONYA
TONYA'S TWO GIRLS WITH ANNA AND JOJO... MY KIDS WERE LOOKING SO FORWARD TO MEETING THEM, AND THEY HIT IT OFF GREAT.



I ABSOLUTELY HAD THE NICEST TIME WITH MY BLOG GIRLFRIENDS TONYA http://www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com/ AND EBE http://www.blogger.com/www.riskingloss.blogspot.com (side note, I am so computer illiterate... I need to figure out how to put a link in... I am sure it is an easy thing... I am just not that computer savvy:) IT WAS JUST FAR TOO SHORT OF A VISIT.

AND CAN I SAY MY FRIEND TONYA IS SO EASY GOING TO JUST LET US PLAN TO VISIT A WEEK AND A HALF IN ADVANCE, AND TO WELCOME ME AND MY 5 THERE TO STAY THE NIGHT.

I HAVE BEEN HOPING, WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE, TO GET TOGETHER WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS THAT I HAVE ONLY MET ONLINE BECAUSE OF OUR SIMILAR JOURNEYS OF LOSS. AND I HAVE TO JUST TELL YOU IT WAS SUCH A BLESSING TO ME. I FELT AS IF I HAD KNOWN THEM FOREVER... WE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT EACH OTHER FROM READING EACH OTHERS STORIES... BUT IT WAS SUCH A DELIGHT TO ACTUALLY SIT ACROSS FROM THESE SWEET LADIES AND LOOK THEM IN THE EYES... NOT JUST AT THEIR PICTURES. I LOVED SEEING WHAT THEY WERE REALLY LIKE. I LOVED SHARING ABOUT OUR BOYS TOGETHER. EBE'S BOY, OWEN, WENT TO HEAVEN ABOUT A YEAR BEFORE SAMUEL, AND TONYA'S BOY, GRADY, WENT TO HEAVEN JUST 12 DAYS AFTER SAMUEL. WHEN JOJO AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT WHO WE WERE GOING TO STAY WITH IN GEORGIA, I EXPLAINED ABOUT THEIR LITTLE BOYS IN HEAVEN. RIGHT AWAY HE SAID SO JOYFULLY, "OH, I BET SAMUEL, GRADY AND OWEN ARE FRIENDS AND ARE PLAYING TOGETHER IN HEAVEN." THAT THOUGHT OF OUR BOYS IN HEAVEN TOGETHER DOES BRING ME JOY. I KNOW THEY DON'T NEED EACH OTHER, THEY HAVE GOD, BUT I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF THEM HAVING EACH OTHER.

I CAN'T DESCRIBE TO YOU THE FEELING I HAD WHEN I GAVE THESE WOMAN A HUG IN PERSON... I JUST FELT LIKE I WAS HUGGING MY SISTER. WE ARE SISTER'S IN CHRIST... BUT THIS MAY SOUND STRANGE BUT I THINK THERE IS KIND OF A SISTERHOOD IN THE SHARED THINGS THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND EXPERIENCED. I WAS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION DRIVING THERE JUST KNOWING THEY KNEW EXACTLY ALL I HAD BEEN THROUGH, THEY HAD BEEN THROUGH IT THEMSELVES, THE SHOCK, THE DEVASTATION, THE DELIVERY, THE TIME WITH OUR BOYS, THE SAYING GOODBYE HERE ON EARTH. IT WAS SO NICE TO BE WITH THEM KNOWING THEY TRULY UNDERSTAND. I REALLY MISS THEM ALREADY... I SO WISH WE LIVED CLOSER. PRAISE GOD FOR THE INTERNET... OK, I KNOW THAT SOUNDED STRANGE, THE INTERNET??? BUT REALLY I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE. THEY GIVE ME SUCH SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

EBE IS DUE WITH HER PRECIOUS HANNAH MAE THIS MAY... WE ARE PRAYING FOR THAT SWEET LITTLE BLESSING. SHE AND HER HUSBAND ARE PLANNING ON MOVING TO ST. LOUIS.... I AM HOPING THEY WILL COME SOUTH FOR A GET AWAY ONCE THEY ARE IN OUR NECK OF THE WOODS. AND TONYA, YOU JUST HAVE TO COME VISIT ME TOO. I KNOW THAT MAY HAVE TO WAIT FOR A BIT:) BUT WE WILL HAVE TO PLAN ANOTHER TIME WHERE WE CAN SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER:) WHEREVER THAT MAY BE, MAYBE EVEN MEETING IN THE MIDDLE.

I ARRIVED TO TONYA'S HOUSE ON TUESDAY AT AROUND 5 AND THEN LEFT WEDNESDAY MORNING. IT WAS QUICK... BUT SUCH A GIFT FROM GOD TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM... THEIR FRIENDSHIPS ARE A GIFT FROM GOD.... AND I FEEL BLESSED!

WE ARE BACK AND BRACING OURSELVES FOR AN OKLAHOMA STORM

CALEB IN THE HEATED OUTDOOR POOL:)
LOUIS AND JOJO TAKING A BREAK AND HAVING LUNCH AT DISNEYWORLD.

THERE IS HOPE IN THE ERGO... CAN YOU SEE HER? I KNOW, I WANT TO POST PICTURES OF HER TOO:) ... CALEB CHOOSE TO SKIP DISNEY AND GO GOLFING A 2ND DAY WITH GRANDPA... I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LITTLE CRAZY, BUT THAT IS SO CALEB. HE IS ALL ABOUT ANY SPORT.

CAN YOU SEE THAT TRUCK FILLED WITH ORANGES? WE TOOK A FIELD TRIP TO FLORIDA NATURAL'S FACTORY FOR A LITTLE BIT OF EDUCATION AND FREE SAMPLES OF THEIR DIFFERENT ORANGES... YUMMY. DID YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES 45 ORANGES TO MAKE A GALLON OF NATURAL OJ? THAT SURE SEEMED LIKE A LOT TO ME.

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WITH THE KIDDOS, MINUS HOPE, BEFORE WE LEFT.

OK, WE ARE HOME, BUT REALLY I WISH I WAS STILL IN FLORIDA. WE ARE HOME JUST IN TIME FOR A NASTY STORM... THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH PREDICTING ICE BEFORE THE SNOW AND A GOOD CHANCE THAT WE COULD LOSE POWER. FUN:) WE ARE TRYING TO GET ORGANIZED AND UNPACK AS WELL AS PREPARE A LITTLE.

OUR HEARING IN COURT TOMORROW REGARDING HOPE IS A LITTLE UP IN THE AIR... TOTALLY UP IN THE AIR. THE COURTHOUSE IS CLOSED DOWN FOR TODAY ALREADY AND IS PLANNING ON REOPENING WEATHER PERMITTING. I JUST DON'T SEE US BRAVING THE ROADS FOR THE 3 HOUR DRIVE WHEN THEY DO NOTHING TO CARE FOR THEM, ESPECIALLY IF IT ICES. IT WOULD TAKE US FOREVER AND PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE SAFE. SO MOST LIKELY, IF THEY HAVE THE HEARING OUR ATTY WILL BE THERE TO REPRESENT US. PLEASE BE IN PRAYER FOR THAT IS YOU THINK OF IT, OTHERWISE IT WILL BE POSTPONED FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. MORE WAITING... UGH:)

WE HAD AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING TIME IN FLORIDA... BESIDES THE FACT THAT ALL OF THE KIDS GOT SICK... BAD COLDS. THE PLACE MY PARENTS WERE STAYING WAS SO NICE... ALTHOUGH I THINK WE WERE THE ONLY KIDS IN THE WHOLE PLACE. I WENT TO THE LINE DANCING CLASS WITH MY MOTHER, THAT WAS HILARIOUS. I AM NOT THE MOST COORDINATED AND THESE OLDER FOLKS COULD WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ME. I GOT A TOTAL KICK OUT OF WATCHING THEM.

WE SWAM, HIT DISNEY WORLD, AND DID A LOT OF RELAXING, MOURNED THE LOSS OF THE VIKINGS (AS WELL AS THE ABUSE OF BRETT FAVRE, MAN THAT GUY IS TOUGH), AND ENJOYED TIME WITH MY PARENTS. WE EVEN GOT TO SEE MY AUNT ADRIENNE AND UNCLE THOMAS FOR ONE NIGHT. THEY WERE COMING DOWN FOR THE NEXT WEEK WITH MY PARENTS.

AND THE RIDE HOME... OUR STOP IN GEORGIA WITH MY BLOG FRIENDS... SUCH AN AMAZING TREAT FOR ME, SUCH A GIFT FROM GOD.... THAT WILL BE MY NEXT POST... YEAH, THERE WILL BE PICTURES:)

SO HERE WE ARE THANKING GOD FOR MORE TIME WITH HOPE, SAFE TRAVEL FOR ME AND THE KIDS, WONDERFUL FAMILY AND FRIENDS, BEING REUNITED WITH MY HUBBY...AND PRAYING MAYBE WE CAN SKIRT THE WORST OF THIS STORM:)