Just a quick update about our birth mom. Thank you so much for praying for her. She was released from the hospital yesterday. She sounded so much better. I spoke with her and her mother, she was on her way to the transitional home that CPO has. She will stay there for the next week or so to recover and heal before she heads home. Please remember her in prayer as she goes back to her life. Remember she hid this pregnancy from all except her mom and grandma. That is a BIG secret to keep and especially now with how it all ended for her. That is a lot of trauma to not be able to deal with openly. Please pray she can grieve in a healthy way. She was so sweet, she wanted to make sure I told the whole family that she loved them and missed them. I think the kids and I will try to make it out there and visit her this next week sometime. Greg and I need to meet with the funeral home director tomorrow afternoon about baby Joel's graveside service. We are hoping to be able to maybe have it Wednesday.
Yesterday I was talking with my little sister and I mentioned to her that I really feel like sorrow and suffering have just made a home in my heart. (I don't mean to sound like a pessimist at all, but it is really just a reality for me. I actually don't mean it in a bad way, it feels familiar, like sorrow and suffering just have a place there... I know it sounds weird, but it is starting to feel comfortable at times.)
My sister right away asked if I had read the book Hinds Feet on High Places. I told her that I had made it through half of the book. She suggested I start it again. It is an allegory about the main character, Much afraid, she is on a journey to the High Places. Her constant companions on her journey are sorrow and suffering.
While at the seminary I had given an extra copy to my sweet friend Becky. Shortly after Samuel died she called me saying that she had picked up the book to start reading it and he wanted to read something to me. This is what she read to me from the introduction to the book:
We feel we would give anything if only we could, in actual experience, live on the High Places of love and victory here on this earth and during this life... able always to react to evil, tribulations, sorrow, pain, and every worthy thing in such a way that they would be overcome and transformed into something to the praise and glory of God forever.
When she read that to me back last November I just cried. That was and still is my hearts desire, that I would react to the trials we have experienced in a way that would give God praise and would glorify Him. When she read that to me I went right to the book after that conversation and reread what she had read to me... this is what it said next....
As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character.
It was such a good reminder for me, that all of these experiences, losing Samuel, and now baby Joel, were all filtered through God's loving hands. God is sovereign and He permitted it all. I know I need to work on my attitude about it at times. I can feel him working in me, and it hurts. I know he is refining me and hopefully producing in me little by little more of his character. But I know I don't see it as a glorious opportunity. I want to, but I am just not there yet. I can feel it happening, and I want it to happen but I think it may take a while before I can say it is a "glorious opportunity"
At times... and there are lots of times I just have to keep reminding myself that God loves me, He loves me, He loves my family and my husband. Quite frankly, there are a lot of times, it doesn't at all feel like love I am receiving. I think the devil is working overtime in that department. So I just have to keep repeating to myself the truths that I know. God does love me. God is good, regardless of my circumstances. He will work good for us. He is the healer and comforter. It is so easy to let my feelings and fear come into play. I am continually asking questions, will he really work good for us, because I really thought that He was doing good for us with blessing us with this birth mom in our home, and her choosing us to be the adoptive parents of her baby... but look how that ended up. Some times it feels like I am living some cruel joke . So literally, I have to just repeat the truths I know over and over to myself when those doubts and thoughts creep in. I am trying to take those thoughts captive, but let me tell you it is a struggle.
More from the introduction of Hinds Feet:
The only way to reach the High Places is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things that happen to us. Every acceptance of his will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places.
The lessons of accepting and triumphing over evil, of becoming acquainted with grief, and pain, and ultimately, of finding them transformed into something incomparably precious; of learning through constant glad surrender to know the Lord of Love himself in a new way and to experience unbroken union with him. These are the lessons in Hinds Feet on High Places.
Woooh, constant GLAD surrender, I have a longggg way to go on that and the acceptance of His will. Some days that is so much easier than others. And to see my grief and pain transformed into something INCOMPARABLY PRECIOUS. Wow, wouldn't that be beautiful. I am praying for that. I long for the Lord to make all things new and to use this situation however He sees fit. May He use it to bring glory to His name.
Needless to say, I will start the book over and finish it this time:)
THE LORD GOD IS MY STRENGTH, AND HE WILL MAKE MY FEET LIKE HINDS FEET, AND HE WILL MAKE ME TO WALK UPON THE HIGH PLACES. HABAKKUK 3:19
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
AN UPDATE
Thank you so much for all of your comments and for your prayers.
Today was a difficult day. Our phone rang around 6:30 am and it was the birth mothers grandma saying that she was getting close to delivery. I was so thankful that it would not be a long drawl out delivery for her. They called back at 8:30 to say that the baby had just been born... but to every one's surprise the baby was not a little girl, but a boy. So my thoughts of Samuel in heaven welcoming a little sister were a little off, he welcomed a little brother home.
The kids and I left the house to go up to the hospital. Greg met us up there, he had stopped to get some flowers for the birth mom. When we entered the hospital I asked Greg if that was the way we had come in last fall when we had Samuel. He said yes, honestly, the place barely looks vaguely familiar. I think that was a blessing. We stopped in the lobby and I asked Greg if he had a boys name picked out at all, if they hadn't named the baby. We had a girls name, that the birth mother liked too, but we had never talked about a boys name. Greg thought Joel was a nice name, and I thought that was fine.
We wanted to see the baby before the kids to see if it was ok for them to see him. They all wanted to. When we got up there Greg and I went to see the little baby boy.
He was sooooo tiny, only about 12 oz. They figured by how he looked and his size that he had probably passed away up to a month ago. But now that I am thinking back, her last Dr.s appt had been about 2 1/2 weeks ago and they had heard the heartbeat at that time. They had a little hat on him, and he was wrapped in a blanket. The photographer was really only able to get pictures of his hands and feet. Greg and I were both able to hold him and get some pictures with him. He was so very little and just felt so light in our arms. It just dawned on me tonight that little baby Joel is the first baby I have held since Samuel. It was actually ok, but far from the experience of holding a living baby. It is all still so hard to believe.
Right now I am just shocked as we once again realize how life can just change in an instant. All of our thoughts and plans of yesterday are changed today. At times it doesn't feel real. I can't understand it at all.
When I saw the baby's grandma I asked her if they had named him and she said yes, that they had decided on Joel. Can you believe that? We NEVER talked about boys names and we both came up with that name. Joel has never even been a name that has come up before in our house. But it is perfect for that sweet little boy. Having us both pick out that name just gave me peace that he was meant to be named Joel. Later tonight the birth mom called and asked if we wanted the baby to have a middle name. The kids were a little sad that we hadn't really had one at the hospital so she and I decided to let the kids pick out a middle name. They decided on David.
The assistant director that was up at the hospital with the birth mom was Stephanie who I asked you to pray for before. She had her daughter Tatum just 4 1/2 mos. ago. And Tatum was a full term still birth, very similar to Samuel. It was a big comfort for me to have her there. And the birth mom's doula was Marlita a girl that I have gotten to know a bit from MEND, the infant loss support group. I was so grateful to know those 2 ladies and to have their support today. That was HUGE for me. So here I was walking down the hall with these two other ladies. All 3 of us having lost babies. That made me feel like I wasn't alone. I looked down the hall and thought, I think that hall is where I had Samuel. Right after I had that thought, I mentioned something about Samuel and they both said, "Did you realize that the room the birth mom had Joel in was the exact same room you delivered Samuel in?" Greg had told them both that, I missed that entire conversation somehow. He said he remembered it, that he could never forget which room it was. I was shocked, actually it made me feel sick to my stomach that I was standing in there looking at this young girl in the bed... the same bed I had labored and delivered Samuel in. How could we have 2 baby boys that were meant to come home with us, be born still in the exact same room. I can hardly believe it. It was all too much.
Please please pray for this sweet young girl. Please pray that she is given the best support to grieve this loss and to work through all that she has experienced in the best, most healthy way possible. We are worried about her and our hearts are just so sad that she had to experience this. We were able to bring the kids in to see her. They did not see the baby. Everyone else had left and we just stayed and sat with her a while. The kids already miss having her not living with us.
Her family wanted us to plan and for Greg to do the short little graveside service we will have next week sometime at a cemetery in town.
Please pray for my Louis, he is so sensitive and such a thinker. Tonight he asked if we could make sure we put up a picture of Joel's hands or feet in our home. I asked if he wanted us to, and he was crying and said yes. I can also see that he is struggling a bit with what place little Joel has in our family. He wants to make sure he can call him his brother. He is so tenderhearted. We all agreed that this was a baby we had already really called our own. He deserves a family... and although he is a part of the birth mothers family... we still feel like he is a part of ours... little sweet Joel David.
There were a lot of tears shed today... lots of questions and not a whole lot of understanding. I could feel the Lord's presence with us today at the hospital and I was so thankful for that. But I know the enemy will be working hard to plant more irrational or doubtful thoughts in my mind. Please pray against that.
So tonight we are thanking God for the life of Joel David. As we gazed at that tiny baby boy with all 10 fingers and 10 toes perfectly formed we are again amazed at God's amazing ability to create life. We are thankful to have had the experience of having this young girl in our home and for her to have chosen us to be Joel's parents. We are thankful to have met her mom and grandma... dear, dear, ladies. And we are so thankful as we have seen death again firsthand today, that we can rest in the assurance of eternity. Little Joel is in Heaven walking the streets of gold... maybe walking hand in hand with Samuel who knows?? I am so thankful for the HOPE of eternity. But boy I am HOMESICK for my eternal home... not this earthly home with all of it's sin, sadness, and suffering.
I am exhausted, it has been such a long and draining day. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We will keep you updated. Blessings<><
Today was a difficult day. Our phone rang around 6:30 am and it was the birth mothers grandma saying that she was getting close to delivery. I was so thankful that it would not be a long drawl out delivery for her. They called back at 8:30 to say that the baby had just been born... but to every one's surprise the baby was not a little girl, but a boy. So my thoughts of Samuel in heaven welcoming a little sister were a little off, he welcomed a little brother home.
The kids and I left the house to go up to the hospital. Greg met us up there, he had stopped to get some flowers for the birth mom. When we entered the hospital I asked Greg if that was the way we had come in last fall when we had Samuel. He said yes, honestly, the place barely looks vaguely familiar. I think that was a blessing. We stopped in the lobby and I asked Greg if he had a boys name picked out at all, if they hadn't named the baby. We had a girls name, that the birth mother liked too, but we had never talked about a boys name. Greg thought Joel was a nice name, and I thought that was fine.
We wanted to see the baby before the kids to see if it was ok for them to see him. They all wanted to. When we got up there Greg and I went to see the little baby boy.
He was sooooo tiny, only about 12 oz. They figured by how he looked and his size that he had probably passed away up to a month ago. But now that I am thinking back, her last Dr.s appt had been about 2 1/2 weeks ago and they had heard the heartbeat at that time. They had a little hat on him, and he was wrapped in a blanket. The photographer was really only able to get pictures of his hands and feet. Greg and I were both able to hold him and get some pictures with him. He was so very little and just felt so light in our arms. It just dawned on me tonight that little baby Joel is the first baby I have held since Samuel. It was actually ok, but far from the experience of holding a living baby. It is all still so hard to believe.
Right now I am just shocked as we once again realize how life can just change in an instant. All of our thoughts and plans of yesterday are changed today. At times it doesn't feel real. I can't understand it at all.
When I saw the baby's grandma I asked her if they had named him and she said yes, that they had decided on Joel. Can you believe that? We NEVER talked about boys names and we both came up with that name. Joel has never even been a name that has come up before in our house. But it is perfect for that sweet little boy. Having us both pick out that name just gave me peace that he was meant to be named Joel. Later tonight the birth mom called and asked if we wanted the baby to have a middle name. The kids were a little sad that we hadn't really had one at the hospital so she and I decided to let the kids pick out a middle name. They decided on David.
The assistant director that was up at the hospital with the birth mom was Stephanie who I asked you to pray for before. She had her daughter Tatum just 4 1/2 mos. ago. And Tatum was a full term still birth, very similar to Samuel. It was a big comfort for me to have her there. And the birth mom's doula was Marlita a girl that I have gotten to know a bit from MEND, the infant loss support group. I was so grateful to know those 2 ladies and to have their support today. That was HUGE for me. So here I was walking down the hall with these two other ladies. All 3 of us having lost babies. That made me feel like I wasn't alone. I looked down the hall and thought, I think that hall is where I had Samuel. Right after I had that thought, I mentioned something about Samuel and they both said, "Did you realize that the room the birth mom had Joel in was the exact same room you delivered Samuel in?" Greg had told them both that, I missed that entire conversation somehow. He said he remembered it, that he could never forget which room it was. I was shocked, actually it made me feel sick to my stomach that I was standing in there looking at this young girl in the bed... the same bed I had labored and delivered Samuel in. How could we have 2 baby boys that were meant to come home with us, be born still in the exact same room. I can hardly believe it. It was all too much.
Please please pray for this sweet young girl. Please pray that she is given the best support to grieve this loss and to work through all that she has experienced in the best, most healthy way possible. We are worried about her and our hearts are just so sad that she had to experience this. We were able to bring the kids in to see her. They did not see the baby. Everyone else had left and we just stayed and sat with her a while. The kids already miss having her not living with us.
Her family wanted us to plan and for Greg to do the short little graveside service we will have next week sometime at a cemetery in town.
Please pray for my Louis, he is so sensitive and such a thinker. Tonight he asked if we could make sure we put up a picture of Joel's hands or feet in our home. I asked if he wanted us to, and he was crying and said yes. I can also see that he is struggling a bit with what place little Joel has in our family. He wants to make sure he can call him his brother. He is so tenderhearted. We all agreed that this was a baby we had already really called our own. He deserves a family... and although he is a part of the birth mothers family... we still feel like he is a part of ours... little sweet Joel David.
There were a lot of tears shed today... lots of questions and not a whole lot of understanding. I could feel the Lord's presence with us today at the hospital and I was so thankful for that. But I know the enemy will be working hard to plant more irrational or doubtful thoughts in my mind. Please pray against that.
So tonight we are thanking God for the life of Joel David. As we gazed at that tiny baby boy with all 10 fingers and 10 toes perfectly formed we are again amazed at God's amazing ability to create life. We are thankful to have had the experience of having this young girl in our home and for her to have chosen us to be Joel's parents. We are thankful to have met her mom and grandma... dear, dear, ladies. And we are so thankful as we have seen death again firsthand today, that we can rest in the assurance of eternity. Little Joel is in Heaven walking the streets of gold... maybe walking hand in hand with Samuel who knows?? I am so thankful for the HOPE of eternity. But boy I am HOMESICK for my eternal home... not this earthly home with all of it's sin, sadness, and suffering.
I am exhausted, it has been such a long and draining day. Thank you for all of your prayers and support. We will keep you updated. Blessings<><
Thursday, July 2, 2009
OUR HEARTS ARE SAD
My heart is so sad and my mind is just whirling around with so many different thoughts right now.
Today we went for a level 2 ultrasound with our birth mom that has been living with us. Greg even took off to get a glimpse of the little girl we hoped to bring home in September. I am so sad to tell you all that the little baby girl no longer had a heartbeat. I could see it on the monitor even though the tech wouldn't tell us anything... I knew. It was all too familiar for me. She sent us over to the Drs. office where he gave us all the news. The birth mom's mother and grandma were there too. I think they were all in shock. Mind you all of this took place right next to the hospital where I gave birth to Samuel last fall. The Dr. was so gracious, kind and compassionate. The birth mom was terrified to be around when we told the kids what had happened. She even apologized to Greg and I saying, "I'm sorry, now this has happened to you twice." The Dr. left and we all surrounded our birth mom and prayed for her and the whole situation. We have come to really love them over the last 9 weeks.
My heart is so sad, for our loss of this new daughter we had hoped to bring home, but my heart grieves for this birth mom. I know exactly what she will go through in the next few days, and the next months. Only her mom and grandma knew of the pregnancy, so I pray that she will be able to grieve this loss in a healthy way. Not even her siblings knew she was pregnant. I just keep thinking, can a 15 year old even process this all? I went through it at 37 and woooh, it can still be too much at times. This is such a HUGE life experience to have to deal with at 15. And my heart is so sad that she will NEVER experience a blissful, carefree pregnancy... at 15 her baby died inside of her. Please, please pray for this precious girl.
She and her grandma and mother are at the hospital. They will induce her tonight and hopefully the baby will come with in the next 2 days. They are going to call and keep me updated as things progress. Greg and I will head up to the hospital to see the baby after she is born. I am thankful that I can be home for her labor. I was struggling... but I think it would have been too much for me to be there and watch her experience it all. She will deliver at the same hospital Samuel was born at. My heart breaks knowing that on her hospital door there will be the little leaf with a teardrop on it, to forewarn all who enter the room of the loss of that baby. So so sad, so so fresh in my mind.
Honestly, I don't even know what to think of all of this. Really, I don't "get it" at all. I don't understand God's purpose in all of this. Babies don't die inside of their moms all of the time. How could this have happened to us twice now? Of course in my heart I know that obviously this is not the baby that God had planned for us to raise to be an adult, in our home. Yet I do feel like this was our baby. Even though I just mentioned on the blog a couple of weeks ago that she had chosen us, it has been almost 2 months that we have known. The birth mom chose us, she wanted us to have this baby. She wasn't growing attached to the baby, we were, more and more with each passing day. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I was slipping as far as that goes. Just one hour before the ultrasound I bought all sorts of baby girl things on sale at Gymboree. This baby deserves the love of a family, people who were anticipating her arrival with such joy. This baby deserves a name. This baby girl deserves a place in a family. All of it, she deserves that. We want to give her that. She was to be our daughter... handpicked for us. This baby was created by our Almighty God. He knew the number of her days.
It is easy to just say that God has a plan in all of this... I know all of the appropriate Christian answers. But really, I don't want to hear those right now. I sat on the couch just telling Greg how much it STINKS! (I had a much less classy word used there but I figured I would spare you the loss of my self control) But that is really how I feel about death and this whole situation... it stinks. I had just asked Greg on the way to the ultrasound, about the verse where is says, "Oh death where is is thy sting?" I asked him what the meaning of that verse is. I realize that knowing what Christ did on the cross for us, we can have eternal life, so as far as eternity goes, the sting is gone. There is more than just this life. But in the here and now, death hurts, death has a REAL sting. How crazy is it that Greg and I were talking about that on the way to the ultrasound.
Last night at my Beth Moore Esther study we were talking about the destiny God has for you. Esther was chosen "for such a time as this" It makes me wonder, why would God place this young girl in our home... He knew this was going to happen to the baby. Why did she pick us to parent this little baby girl, she could have picked anyone... God knows what we just experienced 8 months ago. Does the Lord need me here to minister to this girl and her family in such a time as this. By all means I am not AT ALL comparing myself to Esther. Please pray that the Lord will give me the strength to handle all that the next few days will hold. Please pray that Greg and I can be all that we need to be for this birth mom, her mom, and grandma. Please pray for the Lord's presence to be REAL for all of us. Please pray for us and our children... they are grieving again, and have some real questions.
As we are hit with tragedy again... we will continue to trust HIM for our future... once again it is not what we had hoped for. But we know that the Lord will sustain us as he always has.
Does my sweet Samuel in heaven, know this sweet precious little black baby girl that would have been his sister here on earth? Did he welcome her to her eternal home? That actually brings me comfort...
I will keep you posted...once again we are so thankful for your prayers and support.
Today we went for a level 2 ultrasound with our birth mom that has been living with us. Greg even took off to get a glimpse of the little girl we hoped to bring home in September. I am so sad to tell you all that the little baby girl no longer had a heartbeat. I could see it on the monitor even though the tech wouldn't tell us anything... I knew. It was all too familiar for me. She sent us over to the Drs. office where he gave us all the news. The birth mom's mother and grandma were there too. I think they were all in shock. Mind you all of this took place right next to the hospital where I gave birth to Samuel last fall. The Dr. was so gracious, kind and compassionate. The birth mom was terrified to be around when we told the kids what had happened. She even apologized to Greg and I saying, "I'm sorry, now this has happened to you twice." The Dr. left and we all surrounded our birth mom and prayed for her and the whole situation. We have come to really love them over the last 9 weeks.
My heart is so sad, for our loss of this new daughter we had hoped to bring home, but my heart grieves for this birth mom. I know exactly what she will go through in the next few days, and the next months. Only her mom and grandma knew of the pregnancy, so I pray that she will be able to grieve this loss in a healthy way. Not even her siblings knew she was pregnant. I just keep thinking, can a 15 year old even process this all? I went through it at 37 and woooh, it can still be too much at times. This is such a HUGE life experience to have to deal with at 15. And my heart is so sad that she will NEVER experience a blissful, carefree pregnancy... at 15 her baby died inside of her. Please, please pray for this precious girl.
She and her grandma and mother are at the hospital. They will induce her tonight and hopefully the baby will come with in the next 2 days. They are going to call and keep me updated as things progress. Greg and I will head up to the hospital to see the baby after she is born. I am thankful that I can be home for her labor. I was struggling... but I think it would have been too much for me to be there and watch her experience it all. She will deliver at the same hospital Samuel was born at. My heart breaks knowing that on her hospital door there will be the little leaf with a teardrop on it, to forewarn all who enter the room of the loss of that baby. So so sad, so so fresh in my mind.
Honestly, I don't even know what to think of all of this. Really, I don't "get it" at all. I don't understand God's purpose in all of this. Babies don't die inside of their moms all of the time. How could this have happened to us twice now? Of course in my heart I know that obviously this is not the baby that God had planned for us to raise to be an adult, in our home. Yet I do feel like this was our baby. Even though I just mentioned on the blog a couple of weeks ago that she had chosen us, it has been almost 2 months that we have known. The birth mom chose us, she wanted us to have this baby. She wasn't growing attached to the baby, we were, more and more with each passing day. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I was slipping as far as that goes. Just one hour before the ultrasound I bought all sorts of baby girl things on sale at Gymboree. This baby deserves the love of a family, people who were anticipating her arrival with such joy. This baby deserves a name. This baby girl deserves a place in a family. All of it, she deserves that. We want to give her that. She was to be our daughter... handpicked for us. This baby was created by our Almighty God. He knew the number of her days.
It is easy to just say that God has a plan in all of this... I know all of the appropriate Christian answers. But really, I don't want to hear those right now. I sat on the couch just telling Greg how much it STINKS! (I had a much less classy word used there but I figured I would spare you the loss of my self control) But that is really how I feel about death and this whole situation... it stinks. I had just asked Greg on the way to the ultrasound, about the verse where is says, "Oh death where is is thy sting?" I asked him what the meaning of that verse is. I realize that knowing what Christ did on the cross for us, we can have eternal life, so as far as eternity goes, the sting is gone. There is more than just this life. But in the here and now, death hurts, death has a REAL sting. How crazy is it that Greg and I were talking about that on the way to the ultrasound.
Last night at my Beth Moore Esther study we were talking about the destiny God has for you. Esther was chosen "for such a time as this" It makes me wonder, why would God place this young girl in our home... He knew this was going to happen to the baby. Why did she pick us to parent this little baby girl, she could have picked anyone... God knows what we just experienced 8 months ago. Does the Lord need me here to minister to this girl and her family in such a time as this. By all means I am not AT ALL comparing myself to Esther. Please pray that the Lord will give me the strength to handle all that the next few days will hold. Please pray that Greg and I can be all that we need to be for this birth mom, her mom, and grandma. Please pray for the Lord's presence to be REAL for all of us. Please pray for us and our children... they are grieving again, and have some real questions.
As we are hit with tragedy again... we will continue to trust HIM for our future... once again it is not what we had hoped for. But we know that the Lord will sustain us as he always has.
Does my sweet Samuel in heaven, know this sweet precious little black baby girl that would have been his sister here on earth? Did he welcome her to her eternal home? That actually brings me comfort...
I will keep you posted...once again we are so thankful for your prayers and support.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
MORE ST. LOUIS PHOTOS
OH, HOW WE ALL WISH THERE WAS A CHUBBY LITTLE 8 MONTH OLD BABY BOY IN MY ARMS IN THAT PHOTO... TRUSTING IN OUR LORD EACH DAY AND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
I thought I would share a few more photos with you from St. Louis. Man, we love that city... so many free things to do with the family. There are lots of wonderful people there too:) We miss them.
Praise God today was a better day... In honor of feeling better, can I share something crazy and really rotten that happened yesterday that just helped add to my crazed, sad mood? I know, I am a little weird.
I was on the way to church with 3 of the kids, Greg had taken Caleb with him earlier in the morning. I took the back country roads. I was low on gas, but knew I had time to stop to get some on the way. Right after a stop sign I got pulled over by a police officer. Honestly, I didn't know why he had pulled me over. He was not the nicest fellow. He sat in his car laughing and visiting with another officer that had pulled over behind him. Finally after about 10 minutes of letting me sit wait and squirm, he walked up. I nicely asked him what I had done wrong. He told me I didn't stop for the stop sign. I asked if maybe I didn't come to a complete stop? He said no, that I had blown through it. Honestly, I was completely shocked. I know that stop sign is there, I drive that road all of the time. Actually, it is kind of a bad intersection, so I am always careful there.
Now if he had said I made a rolling stop, I could have admitted to that, but to blow through it??? If I had done that, I would have blown through it at 40 mph... meaning I would have completely missed it. It was one of those Twilight Zone kind of moments. Were we really talking about the same situation? I was shocked, he was rude, honestly I had to wonder if maybe he wasn't a Christian, and maybe it was obvious that I was on my way to church. Even Louis in the front seat said, "But mom you stopped. There was other traffic at the intersection." Now I would be the first one to admit if I did something wrong, or was caught speeding, I deserve the ticket. But I wasn't going to argue with him. When he came up with my ticket, he had the guts to peek in my car and tell me that I better be careful with my kids in the car, that I better watch those stop signs.
It took everything in me to not just freak out right there. Obviously, I know he really doesn't care about me, my life, or what I have been through. But having lost one child this year... I am extremely careful. I usually am not an anxious person... but that is one thing I have been anxious about is losing another child. Good grief, if anyone is careful with their kids it is me. I home school my kids, I really watch what and how much they see on TV, I could go on and on. I was on my way to teach my son's Sunday school class for Pete's sake. Anyone who knows me, knows how much effort I put into raising our kids like Greg and I feel God has led us to at this point.
Well, needless to say, that had me totally fried. Thanks for lettting me vent... ahhhh, I feel a little better now. If anyone has any advice for me I would love it. I am going to go to court for it, mainly on the principle of it. He said I blew through it, and I didn't. Really, I think he had it out for me. Anyways that set me off, my gracious husband found someone else to teach the class. Thank you Rich! I was a total mess, it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I am embarrassed to admit it.... but this previously very independent, have it together kind of girl, completely loses it sometimes. Having someone living with us for the past 2+ mos., knowing we will have someone who is getting to be noticeable pregnant living with us for the next almost 3 months, has had its stresses and challenges, living with all of the "what ifs" of what may happen with this whole adoption situation, still dealing with my loss of Samuel, the daily tasks of raising my family... can be enough. Add on some crazy situation and it can put me over the edge. It is not something I am proud of. I know I need to find a better way to deal with things when I encounter a situation that can get me to that point. I sat and talked with my dear sweet husband for a while and he helped me pull myself together. What would I do without him?
So tomorrow is a new day. Praise God for new days, new beginnings. I am longing for a new beginning. I am longing for complete healing and restoration. But for now I wait for HIM and HIS timing for HIS plan for our family to be revealed.
I know I have probably posted this verse before... but I love it, it is one of my favorites:)
Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have HOPE, because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail, they are NEW every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. Yet, I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore, I will wait for Him.
Lamentations 3:23-24
Sunday, June 28, 2009
8 MONTHS TOMORROW
A very sweet girl from my church sent me this video that she made for our family. What a precious gift to me. Thank you Jamie, that meant so much to me. I thought I would share it with you all. Don't forget to pause the music on the side of my blog so you can hear the music on the video.
So tomorrow will be 8 months since our precious Samuel left this earth for his heavenly home. 8 months sounds so long. He has been gone almost as long as I carried him inside of me. That makes me so sad. Somedays it feels like 8 years, somedays it feels like we had him here just yesterday. Oh how we miss him. I know I say the same things over and over again. I am just shocked with this journey of grief and how others expect you to cope. It is such an individual journey. Every person is different. Each persons circumstances are different. I am so thankful that the Lord walks this journey with me... but at the same time that doesn't make this journey a fun one or one I would ever hope to travel again. So I know in these 8 months most people have moved on and maybe think that I have too. Nothing could be further from the truth. My heart breaks the same way it did 8 months ago when I knew he had already died. It has gotten better in some ways. And in someways and on some days the pain is just as intense as it was that night when I laid in the hospital bed waiting to deliver my still son.
Just the other night both Jojo and Louis went to bed crying because they missed him. Jojo wanted to kiss the picture he has in his room of him and Samuel. He wanted to kiss his little brother good night. Louie kissed it too. My heart breaks for them still.
I had a brutal day today. I sat in the Walmart parking lot sobbing (yep it was an ugly cry), praying, screaming because I just wish things could be different. Some days it is easier to accept, and on other days not so much... not at all. Obviously, this is God's will for us, but that doesn't mean that I always have to like it, it hurts! So I really didn't have anywhere else to go, so I drove to walmart, walked the aisles because I left my purse at home, came out to my car and did part of my bible study and filled in some of a journal we were given in the hospital. I just needed to be alone. I know I am pathetic, I went to the Walmart parking lot... to be alone. It kind of makes me laugh just thinking about it. I cranked the air... because it is stinkin crazy hot here in OK. So after 1 1/2 hours I headed home. I can't really say I felt much better. Today is just one of those days.
I think I reach a point when things just add up and then watch out.... I am on the edge, and I just slip over. I can't describe the ache I have in my heart for my son. I feel like a part of me has been amputated, gone forever or at least till I join him in eternity. I am so homesick for heaven. Each day I live with out my son, it makes the ugliness and sin of this world more and more apparent. This isn't my home and my longing for my REAL home grows with each day.
To my son,
My precious Samuel, I miss you more than I can describe. I long for the day that I can join you in praising our Savior. Samuel you will always be such an important part of our family. We will never forget you. We talk about you every single day. I am so thankful for the 9 months and one day we had with you. We treasured that time with you. Even though the pain of not having you here with us is so real and fresh still, I would do it all again, just to have had that chance to be your mommy for those 9 months. It was worth it. You were worth it. You were God's perfect, beautiful creation for our family. We miss you sweet boy. Until I can hold you in Heaven...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
ST. LOUIS
WE FINALLY GOT OUR FAMILY PICTURES BY THE WATERFALLIN FOREST PARK...
CAN YOU SEE JOJO'S GUM IN HIS MOUTH??
OUR KIDS WITH THE HAYTER KIDS, OUR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS AT THE SEM... WE MISS THEM ALL!
OUR PRECIOUS GODSON ASHER:)... I KNOW, NOT THE BEST PHOTOOF THE ADULTS, BUT ISN'T HE JUST ADORABLE?
OUR DEAR BOGGS FRIENDSWell, we are back from St. Louis... it was too quick. Honestly, all day I kind had a pit in my stomach as we drove back. I miss the life at the sem. and all of our friends there. I think part of it is that we have just had such a hard year since we left there that we remember life there as pretty carefree and happy. (I know I wasn't the one studying like crazy:)
Now life is far from carefree. Sometimes the reality of my life just hits me like a ton of bricks. We can't go back, we are forever changed. The ignorance and bliss of life is gone. I want to embrace this new life we have. But honestly it can be difficult. Each day is not easy, and it takes perseverence and determination just to get myself out of bed some morning. Not to mention all the prayer:) I continue to pray that the Lord will guide us as we journey forward as a different family than we were last fall. I pray he will use the pain we have gone through to somehow bring him glory.
I have such a way of getting off track...
I knew when we were living there, at the seminary, it was kind of like living on this Christian island, certainly it wasn't perfect, and certainly not real normal life. But it was such a good life, such a precious time for a few years. I remember thinking before we went to the sem. that we were pretty much going for Greg's education. I never could have anticipated making such incredible, precious, life long friends there.
Right when we arrived it was about 7:30 on Sunday night... Yeah!!! Just in time for Ladies Night Out. When we were living there a group of my friends would try to get the kids down for the night, or at least close to it:), and then we would head out for a couple of hours. It was such a precious time each week... so shortly after we pulled in we were able to get together with those that were still at the sem. A lot of the families have already left for the year, but it was so sweet to be together again with some of them. I know I am a sap, but for me it was so wonderful to be able to sit, laugh, talk, share, and just be together.
Our friends were so sweet to arrange their basement so we could all eat together in the evenings, the Boggs, the Hayters, and our crew. It was such a great time of just getting to hang out together like old times... I know I am getting all sappy again:) You know those friends where you just pick up right where you left off, that is how it is with them. And we so treasure our friendships with them.
It was soooo hot and humid... like CRAZY hot, but the kids loved getting to spend time with their friends again, playing games inside, splashing around in the water and just being together.
On Monday morning we went to the zoo. On Tues.-Wed. I got to go the home school conference. We tried to see a few things while we were there since our birth mom had never been there. Greg took her and the kids to the arch and Grant's Farm. It was so nice to have Greg with us, I had planned on going by myself with the kids, but it was so much nicer having him with us. We desperately needed that family time.
So we headed home today... shed a few tears saying goodbye, as usual. We pulled in around 4:15 and our company arrived at 5:00. Yeah, we are so happy to have the Stinettes here with us for a couple of days. They are headed to their vicarage in Texas so they stopped on their way down. We are so thankful these days for the distraction of having company and being busy. Normally, I love company, but don't necessarily like being super busy. But right now it feels great as we sort of look towards September with anxious hearts.
I will try to share more pictures and more about the conference soon. Ahhh, heading to bed in my own bed tonight:)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
WAITING FAMILIES WORKSHOP
We are all exhausted, but happy! We will be off to St. Louis tomorrow... still trying to pull together all of the packing....Yikes!
We had our Waiting Families workshop this past week for the ministry we will be adopting through. It was really great, but emotionally exhausting. We covered everything from the birth mother's heart, the hospital stay, trans racial adoptions, interrupted adoptions, the legal part of adoptions, drop off babies, etc. There were times throughout the weekend that I thought... How did we get to this spot, how did we arrive here at this point in our lives? It just seemed shocking, then there were moments of pure excitement, fear, and moments of feeling that this is really God's will for our family.
Let me explain part of the reason why we feel this is God's will for us...
We have always had adoption on our hearts (I will share more about that in a later post:) but after losing Samuel we thought maybe it was God's will for us now... In January we sent in our application and completed our homestudy and lifebook in February.
At the end of April, almost 2 months ago when we received an email from the director of CPO(Crisis Pregnancy Outreach), that they were in need of a host home (outside of the city) for a 15 year old pregnant girl. We felt the Lord tugging on our hearts. It was unexplainable. I have had so many emotions since losing Samuel which have made being in certain situations incredibly difficult, one of those difficult situations is being around pregnant women. (When there is a deep desire in your heart for that and it NEVER comes easily and sometimes comes with much help, you know that it probably won't just happen for you, like it does for most. Now I know this is all in God's timing... I get that, but that being the case doesn't just take away certain difficulties for me) I wondered how could I do it, have a pregnant girl living in my home, yet we felt led to let her stay with us. I even told the director that I wanted to be up front and honest... I didn't know how I would feel as she got bigger. I didn't know if I would be able to handle it. So we agreed to just do it for a time and see how I felt down the road a month or so. There have been a few rough patches but really it is by the grace of God that it has for the most part been a great situation having this young girl here.
So we opened up our home to this sweet, precious young girl about 2 months ago. She is a delight, and the day she came I told her and her mother that there was in no way any part of our minds or hearts that had her come here in the hopes of getting her baby. ABSOLUTELY NO WAY! Greg and I agreed fully that we had to just take her in and hope to love her and help her through a difficult time. We spent the first 2 weeks just getting to know each other. She is a sweet heart. We were able to have lots of great conversations and she was very open and honest with us. It was kind of fun to hear from a birth mother, her desires and heart.
Well, one evening a couple of weeks after she arrived here, Greg and I were sitting on the couch late one night. We were laughing because of all that this girl experiences with us. She sees us all disheveled when we wake up, she sees us discipline our children, she sees the kids getting at each other occasionally, the craziness of the kids, and she sees all of the love we have for our kids. She sees it all! We both agreed that there was probably NO WAY that she would ever consider us, and we were both totally fine with it.
Well the next morning at breakfast she just kind of blurted out... "Miss Sara, you know how you said you didn't mind having an African American child, well I would like you to have my baby." I was shocked quite honestly. In all of our conversations over the previous couple of weeks she had said that she was looking for a family with either 1 or no children. So I asked if she wanted to interview the other families that she thought she would interview, and she said no. I called Greg right away... he was just as shocked.
So we just kind of let it simmer for a week or so. She kept bringing it up and I spoke with her mother about it. After about a week she told me to let the director know that she had chosen us. We just mentioned it to the kids last weekend. Obviously we are all thrilled about it. But yet we are very guarded. Our hearts have been broken and we are still reeling from the loss of our Samuel, but could this be the answer to our prayers? The tough thing is... we just don't know.
I have been able to really share my heart with this young girl, letting her know we would be absolutely thrilled to raise her baby. The other side to that fact is that we just recently had a tremendous loss and hurt to our hearts... all of our hearts. Greg and I are so fearful for our own hearts but even more so for our children's. They have already lost a brother this year... could their hearts be broken again? Obviously there is always that possibility. But I have told this sweet young lady that if she is at all having feelings along the way that she might be changing her mind to please just be honest and let us know right away. I explained that although we would be thrilled... at the same time with all we have experienced with Samuel we are not ready to pull our all of the baby clothes again, baby blankets, the bassinet, the whole nine yards, we don't want to get it all out until we have a baby in our home. That is our hearts desire... another child in our home. But I am not sure that our hearts could survive packing it all up again. She has seen the daily struggle with our sadness over losing Samuel and our everyday joy of life as a family so I think for the most part she understands our situation.
We fully trust that God knows our future child or children, where they will come from, my womb or another woman's. We want the child that He has for us. So with that being said we know that if this is the baby God has planned for us we will receive it with extreme joy in our hearts and if it doesn't go that way... we will know that this wasn't our baby. I say that easily, but know that if that is the case it won't be an easy thing. So we guard our hearts, we are cautiously optimistic. For now, we want to continue to share God's love and our love with her. That is part of our ministry right now and if we end up with a baby at the end of it... that would be a HUGE bonus.
We know that in NO WAY would this baby replace our Samuel. We hope and pray that people will understand that this baby may fill our arms, but that we will still miss him tremendously and are still grieving the loss of our son Samuel and his place in our family.
So with all that being said we ask again for your prayers. Please pray for God's will to be done and that we can enjoy our summer and time with this precious birth mom. Please pray that the Lord will bless our relationship with her. It will be an open adoption should it all work out as planned:) Please pray for the Lord's protection over this sweet girl and the baby in her womb. Please pray for peace for our whole family as we wait and for wisdom for Greg and I as we go through this new experience with our kids. Thank you so much for praying!
So we wait... Will Anna be a big sister?
and will Louis, Caleb, Jojo and Samuel be big brothers...
to a sweet precious BABY GIRL this coming September?
Only God knows... and we trust in HIM!
We had our Waiting Families workshop this past week for the ministry we will be adopting through. It was really great, but emotionally exhausting. We covered everything from the birth mother's heart, the hospital stay, trans racial adoptions, interrupted adoptions, the legal part of adoptions, drop off babies, etc. There were times throughout the weekend that I thought... How did we get to this spot, how did we arrive here at this point in our lives? It just seemed shocking, then there were moments of pure excitement, fear, and moments of feeling that this is really God's will for our family.
Let me explain part of the reason why we feel this is God's will for us...
We have always had adoption on our hearts (I will share more about that in a later post:) but after losing Samuel we thought maybe it was God's will for us now... In January we sent in our application and completed our homestudy and lifebook in February.
At the end of April, almost 2 months ago when we received an email from the director of CPO(Crisis Pregnancy Outreach), that they were in need of a host home (outside of the city) for a 15 year old pregnant girl. We felt the Lord tugging on our hearts. It was unexplainable. I have had so many emotions since losing Samuel which have made being in certain situations incredibly difficult, one of those difficult situations is being around pregnant women. (When there is a deep desire in your heart for that and it NEVER comes easily and sometimes comes with much help, you know that it probably won't just happen for you, like it does for most. Now I know this is all in God's timing... I get that, but that being the case doesn't just take away certain difficulties for me) I wondered how could I do it, have a pregnant girl living in my home, yet we felt led to let her stay with us. I even told the director that I wanted to be up front and honest... I didn't know how I would feel as she got bigger. I didn't know if I would be able to handle it. So we agreed to just do it for a time and see how I felt down the road a month or so. There have been a few rough patches but really it is by the grace of God that it has for the most part been a great situation having this young girl here.
So we opened up our home to this sweet, precious young girl about 2 months ago. She is a delight, and the day she came I told her and her mother that there was in no way any part of our minds or hearts that had her come here in the hopes of getting her baby. ABSOLUTELY NO WAY! Greg and I agreed fully that we had to just take her in and hope to love her and help her through a difficult time. We spent the first 2 weeks just getting to know each other. She is a sweet heart. We were able to have lots of great conversations and she was very open and honest with us. It was kind of fun to hear from a birth mother, her desires and heart.
Well, one evening a couple of weeks after she arrived here, Greg and I were sitting on the couch late one night. We were laughing because of all that this girl experiences with us. She sees us all disheveled when we wake up, she sees us discipline our children, she sees the kids getting at each other occasionally, the craziness of the kids, and she sees all of the love we have for our kids. She sees it all! We both agreed that there was probably NO WAY that she would ever consider us, and we were both totally fine with it.
Well the next morning at breakfast she just kind of blurted out... "Miss Sara, you know how you said you didn't mind having an African American child, well I would like you to have my baby." I was shocked quite honestly. In all of our conversations over the previous couple of weeks she had said that she was looking for a family with either 1 or no children. So I asked if she wanted to interview the other families that she thought she would interview, and she said no. I called Greg right away... he was just as shocked.
So we just kind of let it simmer for a week or so. She kept bringing it up and I spoke with her mother about it. After about a week she told me to let the director know that she had chosen us. We just mentioned it to the kids last weekend. Obviously we are all thrilled about it. But yet we are very guarded. Our hearts have been broken and we are still reeling from the loss of our Samuel, but could this be the answer to our prayers? The tough thing is... we just don't know.
I have been able to really share my heart with this young girl, letting her know we would be absolutely thrilled to raise her baby. The other side to that fact is that we just recently had a tremendous loss and hurt to our hearts... all of our hearts. Greg and I are so fearful for our own hearts but even more so for our children's. They have already lost a brother this year... could their hearts be broken again? Obviously there is always that possibility. But I have told this sweet young lady that if she is at all having feelings along the way that she might be changing her mind to please just be honest and let us know right away. I explained that although we would be thrilled... at the same time with all we have experienced with Samuel we are not ready to pull our all of the baby clothes again, baby blankets, the bassinet, the whole nine yards, we don't want to get it all out until we have a baby in our home. That is our hearts desire... another child in our home. But I am not sure that our hearts could survive packing it all up again. She has seen the daily struggle with our sadness over losing Samuel and our everyday joy of life as a family so I think for the most part she understands our situation.
We fully trust that God knows our future child or children, where they will come from, my womb or another woman's. We want the child that He has for us. So with that being said we know that if this is the baby God has planned for us we will receive it with extreme joy in our hearts and if it doesn't go that way... we will know that this wasn't our baby. I say that easily, but know that if that is the case it won't be an easy thing. So we guard our hearts, we are cautiously optimistic. For now, we want to continue to share God's love and our love with her. That is part of our ministry right now and if we end up with a baby at the end of it... that would be a HUGE bonus.
We know that in NO WAY would this baby replace our Samuel. We hope and pray that people will understand that this baby may fill our arms, but that we will still miss him tremendously and are still grieving the loss of our son Samuel and his place in our family.
So with all that being said we ask again for your prayers. Please pray for God's will to be done and that we can enjoy our summer and time with this precious birth mom. Please pray that the Lord will bless our relationship with her. It will be an open adoption should it all work out as planned:) Please pray for the Lord's protection over this sweet girl and the baby in her womb. Please pray for peace for our whole family as we wait and for wisdom for Greg and I as we go through this new experience with our kids. Thank you so much for praying!
So we wait... Will Anna be a big sister?
and will Louis, Caleb, Jojo and Samuel be big brothers...
to a sweet precious BABY GIRL this coming September?
Only God knows... and we trust in HIM!
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