8 MONTHS TOMORROW

A very sweet girl from my church sent me this video that she made for our family. What a precious gift to me. Thank you Jamie, that meant so much to me. I thought I would share it with you all. Don't forget to pause the music on the side of my blog so you can hear the music on the video.

So tomorrow will be 8 months since our precious Samuel left this earth for his heavenly home. 8 months sounds so long. He has been gone almost as long as I carried him inside of me. That makes me so sad. Somedays it feels like 8 years, somedays it feels like we had him here just yesterday. Oh how we miss him. I know I say the same things over and over again. I am just shocked with this journey of grief and how others expect you to cope. It is such an individual journey. Every person is different. Each persons circumstances are different. I am so thankful that the Lord walks this journey with me... but at the same time that doesn't make this journey a fun one or one I would ever hope to travel again. So I know in these 8 months most people have moved on and maybe think that I have too. Nothing could be further from the truth. My heart breaks the same way it did 8 months ago when I knew he had already died. It has gotten better in some ways. And in someways and on some days the pain is just as intense as it was that night when I laid in the hospital bed waiting to deliver my still son.

Just the other night both Jojo and Louis went to bed crying because they missed him. Jojo wanted to kiss the picture he has in his room of him and Samuel. He wanted to kiss his little brother good night. Louie kissed it too. My heart breaks for them still.

I had a brutal day today. I sat in the Walmart parking lot sobbing (yep it was an ugly cry), praying, screaming because I just wish things could be different. Some days it is easier to accept, and on other days not so much... not at all. Obviously, this is God's will for us, but that doesn't mean that I always have to like it, it hurts! So I really didn't have anywhere else to go, so I drove to walmart, walked the aisles because I left my purse at home, came out to my car and did part of my bible study and filled in some of a journal we were given in the hospital. I just needed to be alone. I know I am pathetic, I went to the Walmart parking lot... to be alone. It kind of makes me laugh just thinking about it. I cranked the air... because it is stinkin crazy hot here in OK. So after 1 1/2 hours I headed home. I can't really say I felt much better. Today is just one of those days.

I think I reach a point when things just add up and then watch out.... I am on the edge, and I just slip over. I can't describe the ache I have in my heart for my son. I feel like a part of me has been amputated, gone forever or at least till I join him in eternity. I am so homesick for heaven. Each day I live with out my son, it makes the ugliness and sin of this world more and more apparent. This isn't my home and my longing for my REAL home grows with each day.

To my son,

My precious Samuel, I miss you more than I can describe. I long for the day that I can join you in praising our Savior. Samuel you will always be such an important part of our family. We will never forget you. We talk about you every single day. I am so thankful for the 9 months and one day we had with you. We treasured that time with you. Even though the pain of not having you here with us is so real and fresh still, I would do it all again, just to have had that chance to be your mommy for those 9 months. It was worth it. You were worth it. You were God's perfect, beautiful creation for our family. We miss you sweet boy. Until I can hold you in Heaven...