I think I have finally gotten used to the fact that Samuel isn't with us.
I don't like that, and it doesn't feel good.
Sometimes just that fact alone can freak me out a bit. I have gotten used to the fact my son has died... did it really take me almost 8 months to get used to that idea?
I should be changing dirty diapers,
comforting him as he nurses,
seeing him scoot and crawl around,
watching him giggle at his precious brothers and sister,
admiring him as he sits in his daddy's lap during dinner,
(that is one thing my sweet hubby has always done, hold the babies during dinner... so I get a chance to eat, how I miss seeing our precious baby in his arms:),
There are so many things I should be doing with my son. (I know I sound like a broken record... but I guess I keep feeling and thinking a lot of the same things I have been for the last 7+ months.)
What I mean by the fact that I am finally getting used to it is that I am finally used to the fact that my life has completely changed. He really isn't here like we thought he would be. I am not spending my time caring for my baby like I thought I would be. And my mind is always kind of thinking about him... sometimes so fresh and raw on the front burner in my mind, sometimes just below the surface, and sometimes thoughts of Samuel are just subconsciously there. So much has changed, life is SOOO different than I ever anticipated my life to be.
I am finally getting used to him just not being here, a daily physical presence with us.
I am finally waking up and not feeling like I should have a baby to care for, I wish I did, but the fact that I don't is starting to feel a bit more normal. Those first few months when you have all of the physical reminders of your recovery that make it PAINFULLY obvious that your baby is gone and things are not as they should be. I thank God that now there are less of those physically painful reminders. I would say that some days, my heart still aches like I never thought it could. And my arms do still physically ache to hold my son. But mostly now it is more just the mental reminders.
For months after Samuel's death, because we had loved, planned and anticipated him for 9 months, I just felt like I was forgetting something, someone. When we would head to the grocery store I would count heads, where was the baby? I felt like I had forgotten him at home. I had planned, thought out trips to the grocery store, trips to soccer games, sitting in church with 5 little ones alone. It all seemed so not what I was anticipating and had planned for.
Now going to church with just the 4 kids is starting to feel normal.
Now, heading off to go shopping with just the 4 is starting to feel normal.
Now just counting heads for 4 is starting to feel normal...
It doesn't feel good, but it is starting to feel normal.
I still ALWAYS feel like someone is missing, I think I always will.
But even that feeling of someone missing is starting to feel normal. How can my life be one, where knowing my son is with his creator before I made it there, is normal...
So we settle into the "NEW NORMAL"
We are trudging ahead one step closer each day to eternity.
We enjoy the simple pleasures of life... family walks at night, constant checks of the garden to see is anything new is popping up... reading books together....
Our "NEW NORMAL" is a life missing our precious Samuel EVERY single day,
it probably doesn't seem normal to most others...
But it is "OUR NEW NORMAL"
Some days I am OK with the NEW NORMAL.
Other days I just hate it... I know my mom wouldn't like that I said that word...hate... I really do reserve it for things that I truly hate, I don't take using that word lightly.... But really, some days I don't just dislike the fact that Samuel isn't here... I hate it.
So I guess I end this post thinking... I sound more confused than ever... We thank you for your prayers. They are so appreciated... and as you can tell, still so very needed. I miss him so badly today!