Saturday, June 13, 2009


I think I have finally gotten used to the fact that Samuel isn't with us.

I don't like that, and it doesn't feel good.

Sometimes just that fact alone can freak me out a bit. I have gotten used to the fact my son has died... did it really take me almost 8 months to get used to that idea?

I should be changing dirty diapers,
comforting him as he nurses,
seeing him scoot and crawl around,
watching him giggle at his precious brothers and sister,
admiring him as he sits in his daddy's lap during dinner,
(that is one thing my sweet hubby has always done, hold the babies during dinner... so I get a chance to eat, how I miss seeing our precious baby in his arms:),
There are so many things I should be doing with my son. (I know I sound like a broken record... but I guess I keep feeling and thinking a lot of the same things I have been for the last 7+ months.)

What I mean by the fact that I am finally getting used to it is that I am finally used to the fact that my life has completely changed. He really isn't here like we thought he would be. I am not spending my time caring for my baby like I thought I would be. And my mind is always kind of thinking about him... sometimes so fresh and raw on the front burner in my mind, sometimes just below the surface, and sometimes thoughts of Samuel are just subconsciously there. So much has changed, life is SOOO different than I ever anticipated my life to be.

I am finally getting used to him just not being here, a daily physical presence with us.

I am finally waking up and not feeling like I should have a baby to care for, I wish I did, but the fact that I don't is starting to feel a bit more normal. Those first few months when you have all of the physical reminders of your recovery that make it PAINFULLY obvious that your baby is gone and things are not as they should be. I thank God that now there are less of those physically painful reminders. I would say that some days, my heart still aches like I never thought it could. And my arms do still physically ache to hold my son. But mostly now it is more just the mental reminders.

For months after Samuel's death, because we had loved, planned and anticipated him for 9 months, I just felt like I was forgetting something, someone. When we would head to the grocery store I would count heads, where was the baby? I felt like I had forgotten him at home. I had planned, thought out trips to the grocery store, trips to soccer games, sitting in church with 5 little ones alone. It all seemed so not what I was anticipating and had planned for.

Now going to church with just the 4 kids is starting to feel normal.

Now, heading off to go shopping with just the 4 is starting to feel normal.

Now just counting heads for 4 is starting to feel normal...

It doesn't feel good, but it is starting to feel normal.

I still ALWAYS feel like someone is missing, I think I always will.

But even that feeling of someone missing is starting to feel normal. How can my life be one, where knowing my son is with his creator before I made it there, is normal...

So we settle into the "NEW NORMAL"
We are trudging ahead one step closer each day to eternity.

We enjoy the simple pleasures of life... family walks at night, constant checks of the garden to see is anything new is popping up... reading books together....

Our "NEW NORMAL" is a life missing our precious Samuel EVERY single day,
it probably doesn't seem normal to most others...

But it is "OUR NEW NORMAL"

Some days I am OK with the NEW NORMAL.

Other days I just hate it... I know my mom wouldn't like that I said that word...hate... I really do reserve it for things that I truly hate, I don't take using that word lightly.... But really, some days I don't just dislike the fact that Samuel isn't here... I hate it.

So I guess I end this post thinking... I sound more confused than ever... We thank you for your prayers. They are so appreciated... and as you can tell, still so very needed. I miss him so badly today!


Pink Slippers said...

Believe it or not your writing and thoughts are really clear. It all makes sense and I think is 'normal'.
Everything you have, are and will feel is 'normal'.

Rachel said...

ACCEPTANCE is sooo hard!

Laura said...

It is a "new normal" isn't it. As painful as it is, I think it's good that you have that feeling like you're forgetting someone or missing something. Samuel truly is a part of you, a part of your family. Someone that your kids will always remember and talk about...and miss.

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing Sara. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who felt like that. I hated feeling like I'd left something important behind or missed something on my schedule all the time. I always found weekends the hardest. Blessing to you and your family.

Ryane said...

I was just thinking yesterday about how much I miss Samuel...weird I guess because I never met my little precious cousin, but Sara, I miss him. I HATE the fact that I didnt get to even see his sweet face once. I love when you share about him with me, it makes me feel like I know him a little better.
I love you and am always praying for you!

Molly Koop said...

I can totally relate to this post, Sara. I'm still "counting heads" thinking there should be five and sometimes feeling confused by it all. Although I don't comment often, I have kept track of your posting and so appreciate the honesty of your pain. May the Lord continue to bring healing to your family.

Tonya said...

This post was very clear, not confusing to me at all! Funny how our "new" normal, really isn't much different than our "old" normal - at least not outwardly! It's inwardly that it's new and different and strange and painful beyond words. I've been wanting to post about my "new normal" for a while, but I haven't been able to get my thoughts completely together on it. We are so very blessed in what we do have. We are so very blessed to have known our babies for the short time that we did. It's just such a daily struggle to live without them...


Ebe said...

Sending you hugs from a far.


The Kings said...

We love you guys so much and miss you terribly!! Thanks for your kind thgughts through our tough time.. we hope to be there for you during your first year without Samuel..we are keeping you in our prayers each day!!

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