They call him Dark Zader...

d

Could this little sweetie get any cuter... 

I am so in love...

We are so blessed each and every day by this mover and shaker...

The Zader Tator... 

(as you can tell the number of  nick names for this little man continues to grow:)

Almost 17???

How can this young man, my son, be almost 17...

Goodness ,that makes me old:) 

There are some days, I just wish I could be his mom and not his mom and his teacher... But I am so very thankful for the wonderful opportunity to teach my son, daily share our family values, and experience all that he has grown up into being in the last 17 years... It has been a joy and treasure for me to be able to spend all of that extra time with him over the years... such a gift to me...

Pregnancy never came easy for us... I wondered... will this ever happen for us... Louis was such an answer to prayers for us...

And now... even as he thinks, wonders and plans all that he wants to do in the coming years... (today when I went into his room, he let me know he would love to be a mattress tester... he loves his bed...funny kid...  this of course, just days after him reiterating how much he wants to be a missionary to Uganda someday... ) Obviously, the mattress tester idea was just a joke... and really he is a funny kid... there are days I just want to clobber him because he will be joking during school... I just want him to be focused, but he is so funny, I can't help but be distracted and laugh... He adds joy to my days:)   God gave him a good sense of humor:)

Truly though, I so often pray that God makes it abundantly clear what HIS plans are for Louis... 

I see God molding and making him into HIS precious work day after day... I can't wait to see the finished product, although I know we are all a work in progress... always growing, learning, changing... hopefully becoming more of who God intends us to be, all the time... So I guess, I can't wait to see the finished product when he leaves the nest of our home... but there is a part of me that doesn't even want to think about that... This growing up thing, happens WAY too quickly for me!!

Just last week, he was asked to do the Children's message at church for 2 of the services... a task usually taken on by the Children's minister or Elementary school teachers... kind of a big task for a 16 year old kid...  We are not a small church by any means and he was a bit nervous... but he did great!  He also was a part of the human video that Greg used for his message in all 4 services.  I am so thankful for the kind heart that the Lord has given him and the willingness he has to serve at church... I am so grateful and in awe of who God is making him to be... 

Is he perfect... by no means... (and sometimes I hate to admit I focus on those imperfections more than I should)  neither am I... but I am so very grateful that God gave him on loan to Greg and I... 

He is a treasure and gift from God...

June can't come soon enough...

I have a friend...

Just 2 days ago she messaged me about a friend of hers whose baby girl was found to no longer have a heart beat at 37 weeks pregnant...

This was the 3rd such message I have gotten from this same friend in the past 10 months...

All of these 3 young women live pretty close to me...

I have been blessed to get together with 2 of these precious young women in the past few months... There is for me an undeniable automatic bond I feel to someone whom I know has experienced the same  heart wrenching loss of a child.

My heart absolutely breaks for this young couple whose sweet baby girl is already safely in Heaven...

Don't get me wrong... I am the wife of a pastor... I know FULLY the HOPE we have in HEAVEN... and my heart fully rejoices now in the reunion I will one day have with Samuel, baby Joel we were to adopt, and baby Taylor (the baby we miscarried in February 2010)

But in all honesty, when Samuel died even Heaven seemed TOO far away... what if I lived to be 70... or 80?  That meant that I wouldn't be with my baby, that I so desperately wanted right then, for at least 33 years... That thought was unbearable...

So even though I don't know this young mama... my heart hurts with her... my heart grieves with hers... She is not far from  my mind... She has been in my prayers so often over the last few days...

For this reason... June can not come soon enough... Of course I am happy to offer any help or support right  now at any time... but I can not wait to have MEND Chicagoland up and running where women like these young ladies can know that they do not have journey through this loss alone...

We will be there to support them, listen to them, remember their babies with them, care for them, pray for them... cry with them... As much as I hate that there is another family that will walk the hard journey of life with out one of their child here with them...

I am so thankful that there will soon be a place here where they can go where people really do get it... they get it because they too have experienced the same... walking forward each and everyday missing their babies... walking forward in HOPE of eternity... walking forward with the support of other moms and dads who truly understand...

I appreciate any prayers for getting MEND going here... All of our brochures and sympathy cards are being printed and soon we start the push to promote MEND here in the Chicagoland area in Hospitals, church, funeral homes, and Doctor's offices... Thanks so much friends...

Missing...

My heart is heavy tonight...
Tonight I miss...

Cuddling up with these precious kids...( inevitably one was asleep in my arms in minutes... a safe place to finally relax)

Seeing the joy on their faces even with so little of anything that belongs personally to them...

Watching sweet Grace worship our same Savior...( Such a deep thinker at times....)

My Daniel... (Here as I get ready for bed... I wonder... Did he eat today?  When was the last time he ate? Where did he find a place to sleep last night on the streets?  Is he safe?  I miss his fun loving personality and passion for scripture... My heart hurts just thinking he has lived on the streets for 11 years... Oh Lord be with Daniel and all the street boys in slums tonight....)

Loving on Lawrence... I would bring that little sweetie home in a second... What a precious child...

Seeing the joy, laughter, love, and passion these orphaned children had for life and their Savior...

Watching the absolute delight in Lawrence's and the other 70 kids eyes as they picked out their Christmas presents...

Singing... "Higher Higher" with the street boys...

Being able to serve, love, care for, diaper, pray with, feed, the precious kids of Uganda...

It is wonderful being home...
It is hard being home... life gets busy and takes over...
The daily grind of raising, loving, homeschooling my 7 kids (which I totally 100% love doing and thank God for every single day) takes priority, which it should...

But I miss Uganda, the kids, and the ministry there...
My heart has been changed...
I don't EVER want to forget it...
I don't ever want to forget them...

As I head to my comfy bed in my warm cozy house... I am Praying for every single one of those precious orphans who have so very little... I am so very thankful for the opportunity to have spent time with them, and am praying continually for how the Lord wants to use those experiences to grow, shape and change me.  I continually pray for God to show us how we as a family can continue to be used in their lives...

I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you... John 14:18

This kid... and another young one...(at least young compared to me:)

So today his birthday wish finally came true....
He was able to use his money to bless some very special kids in Uganda...
Jojo has been bugging me for the last few weeks if we could finally purchase something for a special friend in Uganda.  He was so excited!

He was sort of hoping to get a washing machine, but when he heard the real need was for cribs... he jumped at the chance...
So today when our friend finally went public with the launching of her new ministryhttp://www.thegemfoundation.com/  to special needs orphans in Uganda Jojo said, "Let's do it now!"

And he did...  You should have seen his smile! Almost every penny he has to his name... but he couldn't have been happier!
I do not share this at all to speak boastfully... but truly to share how God can move in anyone's heart... old ... young... sick... healthy... anyone...
And He will take a willing heart and do so much more than we ever thought possible in our own minds...
And that is exactly what He is doing in the life of Jojo and of our young friend Emma in Uganda.
Here she is 20 years old starting a ministry to some special treasures in Uganda... at 20 years of age!!!

I continue to learn from Jojo... and Emma:)

Never squelch a generous heart... let the holy spirit work in the hearts of your kids... (Greg and I almost wanted to encourage him to give less and purchase a smaller gift... He insisted, and I know God will be glorified in it!)

Never underestimate what God can do through anyone... yourself included!  He will take the most ordinary people and do extraordinary things through them for His glory!

Please go look at Emma's new ministry, The Gem Foundation and consider supporting this amazing missionary and her new ministry... She is the real deal!  http://www.thegemfoundation.com/  I know you will be blessed by seeing this amazing young servant!

Here is Emma at our Christmas party this past January,  for some very special orphans:)

When does 3 = 8???

When does 3 = 8???

Sounds crazy, I know... Yesterday we celebrated the living, breathing, miraculous life of this little guy Levi Ryan... and that is exactly when...

3 = 8!!!

Yesterday Levi turned 3... but in all honesty he is really a whole lot closer to 8 years old...  This precious little man was frozen as an embryo for 5 years...

I know that maybe most of you have heard his story before...but maybe some of you haven't.  To us, this story deserves telling again and again... All Glory to God!  My mind can still hardly fathom it all... God breathed life into Levi nearly 8 years ago for a sweet young couple longing for a child... And then while other embryos were transferred he, along with many more of his tiny little siblings, were frozen.  After a 2nd embryo transfer resulted in twins for this couple, using the rest of the embryos was put on hold...  Waiting for their perfect time... the time God ordained for them to have life... even if only for some of them, for a few more days.

Then sadly this young mom was widowed with 2 year old twins... (I know that this young dad's passing, Ryan, whom Levi Ryan is named for... was the pivotal point in eventually Levi becoming ours... but I still am so sad that Levi won't ever know his biological dad here on earth... I am sad that we won't know Him this side of Heaven...  We will all have to wait to meet him in Heaven...  I can not wait for all of the reunions that will take place on that day:)

And one comment on a blog about a year and a half later led us down the crazy but absolutely wonderful journey to this little guy!  After many months many many emails full of questions, answers and getting to know one another on both our part and Levi's biological mom, the amazing decision was made that we would adopt Levi and his other siblings... there were 7 embryos total...

Within a couple of months all 7 had a chance for life... in fact, all 7 survived the thaw but a few days later 4 were no longer growing... I still think it is neat that God knew the number of those little tiny ones days... They still had life in them... while not longterm here with us... He knew the exact number of days ordained for them...

And Levi, the lone survivor of all 7... the 3 they transferred were only given a 30% chance for one, and the others both a 25% chance of surviving... and here he is... 3 years old... full of life... full of silliness... full of the best hugs and kisses... What a miraculous gift...

Honestly at times I can hardly still believe it happened... that it worked and that He is ours... What an incredible gift from God!

(Can you believe how absolutely precious and funny he is???)

Our little Levi has got some swag:):)  Every single year as his birthday draws near, I am overcome with emotions...

Overcome, remembering the fear I had while I was pregnant with him...

Overcome, thinking about the 49 days I was in the hospital before he was safely born into our arms...
(I don't think anything has ever felt so good as His safe, wiggly, soft, sweet smelling, perfect little body alive in our arms!!  Thank you Jesus!)

Overcome by recalling the boredom of 10 weeks of bedrest... and the amazing giving of our sweet friends to help keep our family afloat during that time...

Overcome by the visits from sweet friends and a pastor friend who would literally walk to the hospital at least once a week to make sure I was being cared for spiritually during this stressful time...

Overcome by the miraculous power of our God to breath life back into something that was frozen for 5 years...

Overcome by how much we are FULL of love for him!

Overcome by how perfectly God made HIM, LEVI RYAN, for us...

Overcome by the sheer fact that He lived... We adopted him and 6 of his siblings... but yet, he grew inside of me... a TOTAL MIRACLE!

Overcome that there could have been more of his same sweetness... I often think of the other 6 siblings that could have been here with him (at one point or another... the doctors never would have transferred more than 3)... But I am always gently reminded that the Lord knew the exact number of their days as well!

Overcome that God saw fit to open our hearts and lives to adoption... Oh we would be missing out on so much sweetness in our life!

I could go on and on with how absolutely amazed I am that this little sweet bundle of love is ours...

He's got eyelashes that just don't quit and sometimes a strong will to match:):)  We are so thankful for the gift that he is to us every single day... Happy 3rd Birthday precious boy!

Our sweet Jojo

This sweet little man turned 9 today...  our JOJO!

He chose iced coffee and coffee ice cream for his breakfast of the day... yes, the kids were jazzed up early!:)

He is tender, incredibly generous, funny, joyful and kind hearted... seriously, his generosity blows me away... Last fall he was totally committed to buying bunk beds for some kids in Africa...for $150... That opportunity fell through, but he has been wanting to share that money so badly ever since... He has asked over and over again what person or group of people might have a need... He wants to give...

He had been asking for $6.81 for his birthday... Weeks ago I had told him of a potential need for a gal in Africa and he was determined to be able to get it for her.. .He just couldn't imagine her living with out it...

And he was $6.81 short when we totalled how much he really needed.  But he is only 9... should we really let him clean out every last penny he has saved?  He is thrilled to be able to do it!  How can we hold back his generosity?  What a precious heart the Lord has given him...

We are so blessed to be his parents!  Happy 9th Birthday Elijah Thomas... you bring my heart great joy!!

Not HOME yet...

I am literally amazed at God's perfect work in bringing us to our new church...

He knew EXACTLY what He was doing...

Oh yes I miss our friends, our great neighbors,  the wonderful people that were at our old church... the great potential there...

Was it hard moving a family of nine, 12 hours away... A resounding YES!!!  I Never want to do it again!  Unless that is what God wills... :)  And Greg may have to take me kicking and screaming if that occurs:):)  Kidding...

I will tell you that on our visit to this church when we brought the whole family to take a look... My immediate reaction was and I told Greg that day... "It felt like HOME!!"  He agreed...

I know how can that be, that I truly felt at home right away??  Honestly, I don't know... but the church buildings, the people, the welcome, our potential home on campus, the deep dish pizza, (I am kidding... but it was delicious!!!) all of it put together made it feel like home right from the start...

And we still feel at home... Even amidst the rough spots of helping 7 kids adjust to a new home, new church, new friends, all of it... even with Greg and I leaving extremely special friends behind the Lord has been so gracious to bring us to such a special place... Faithfully He provides for ALL things...

And yet, while it feels like home... right here  on the campus there is the ever present reminder that this is not our home...

It isn't our permanent home... And praise God for that...
As wonderful as it can be... This decaying earth is not all there is...

As a kid... I was always a little creeped out by cemeteries... never would I have wanted to live by one...

But yet here on the church campus we have a beautiful cemetery...

We walk through it every day to pick up Hope from preschool... The boys weed eat all around the headstones all summer to keep it looking nice when they work the maintenance crew... We have a friend from seminary buried here... We take family walks there in the summer time... I have spent hours just walking through it and reading the headstones... Totally amazing! (I will post soon about a family that I found buried here that just broke my heart!!!)  It is really a beautiful, quiet, quaint, cemetery...

And it isn't creepy at all... It is wonderful...
Yes, I said that... WONDERFUL...

I think I now have a little different perspective on cemeteries... I know people's loved ones remains are there... and I respect that... just like I would want someone to respect where my Samuel was if he was buried somewhere... And honestly I have walked through this cemetery a hundred times thinking, "I think I would feel comfortable burying Samuel's ashes here."  And then as soon as I think it... I cry... so much emotion... Even that though is a sign that God is healing my heart more and more with time...

And every time as I drive past the cemetery, around the old historic chapel on campus, past the tall majestic pines and into my driveway... that beautiful cemetery serves as a constant reminder that this earth is not my home... Praise God there is SO much more...

So much more than the sadness of loss and betrayal that this world offers...
So much more than the fleeting joys of this earth...
So much more than the fruitless material goods that so easily entangle us here in this life...
So much more than the empty promises of more money, more weight loss, straighter teeth, shinier hair etc, etc... of  our earthly life...

So so much  more...

And my full heart rejoices at that....
Life is breathlessly short...
Life is fleeting...
We can't take a bit of it with us...
Only that which is eternal will remain...

I am so thankful for the daily reminder that...

Heaven is our home... reunions... rejoicing... worshipping our servant and risen king FOREVER...

 I CAN NOT WAIT!  

My cup runneth over...

I know... terrible quality photo...

But I couldn't resist these two snuggling in bed this morning... 

Usually if Isaiah gets up early he will get a bottle in our bed and sack back out... 

Levi just happened to join us... you can just see the Love Levi has for his baby brother... It melts my heart...

My cup runneth over...

I love the way Isaiah absolutely clings to you in a wrap around snuggle...

I love the way Levi is the squishiest, snuggliest little man... (I know squishy is a weird description, but he truly is... skinny, but oh so soft and squishy:)

I love the way that they love each other so much...

I love the way that by the grace of God, regardless of their biological make up... they are brothers in every sense of the word... They love each other so much...

I love that they remind me of Louis and Caleb in our early years as parents... little boys so close in age...

I love the way that they can be so different from one another... one dark/one light... one skinny/ one thick... one silly/one serious... one, though biologically not my own, but came from my womb/one carried by another mom and handed over in love and sacrifice...

Both TOTAL  gifts to us from their biological parents and our gracious God...

Both TOTALLY  meant to be "ours"...

Both TOTALLY loved and adored by all of us... 

When I think of every single one of my kids, both here and in heaven... My cup runneth over... I am so incredibly thankful to have the privilege to be their mama... 

Lessons learned from a 4 year old...

Grief is a funny thing...

More like grief is a brutal, mind blowing, life altering, new normal starting, awful, beautiful, funny thing...

I think doing the prep work for starting my MEND infant loss support group here in the Chicagoland area in a few months has me reflecting more often...  knowing I will soon be working even so much more closely with new friends in fresh grief... Trust me... losing a child is something you never forget or get over...  but as of late I can't help but reflect more on the whole process of grieving someone you love so much...

When I look back over the last 5 1/2 years I am in awe and so confused at the same time...

I am in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of our God to carry me and our family through the deepest despair and sorrow I ever thought possible and to lovingly carry us to the other side with a joy I never thought possible...

I am confused too by the "crazy" things people say to you when you are grieving...

I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious... Back to that in a minute...


Just a few examples of some of the things that people say... some of these said to me within days of my loss...

You should be so thankful for the 4 kids you have at home...
You can always have more...
He must have had something wrong with him...
He is in a better place...

The last one I will share with you today... the friend, who said this said she was upset with me for "not expecting her to get it". and I truly believe she meant this... Her words..."I do get it, I look at his picture every once in a while and I cry."   Really??  Unless a person has walked through 40 weeks and 1 day of a baby growing and wiggling inside of them, only to deliver them lifeless, discolored and still into their arms... I don't think they can really "GET IT"  Nor does looking at his picture and crying every once in a while qualify as getting it... It is totally ok that they don't understand it... How could I ever expect them to if they haven't ever, praise God for that, experienced it for themselves... 

The funny thing is.... while those responses HURT big time at the moment... I can for myself write them down with a much more understanding heart now...  knowing where I have come from... I am not in any way invalidating someone's hurt feelings when insensitive comments are said.  In a time of fresh loss and for much time after, some things said can seem to add to your pain... But now I know most people said them meaning for good... not intending to hurt me... I think they wanted to help, didn't  know what to say, or maybe didn't even think before they spoke... Truth be told, I am sure I have said things that didn't help or were maybe inappropriate in others times of loss.  (I give those examples not to point any fingers at all... my heart has forgiven the hurt...)

( I think I will write a post soon articulating how those words can hurt... what a freshly grieving person is really thinking when those words are said... and what might be a better thing to say:)

Again, I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious...

This is my nephew little Luther.  He was the baby that came into our family just a few months after Samuel died... 

Isn't he a cutie pie??

Being a person who has dealt with "sub fertility" my whole life... He came to my brother and his lovely wife Lyndsey, (who I like to say, gets pregnant when they look at each other... I mean that joyfully now:) and is the 4th of their 6 kids now 9 and under)

Here is where my lacking grace came in...
While I am a firm believer in being gentle to yourself after a loss... not putting yourself in "extra tough" situations, doing really whatever it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other on those hard days... I KNOW that I didn't always tackle things in the best manner... No where close...

Looking back I can honestly say that the 4-8 month time period after Samuel died was the hardest for me... Luther was born around 4 months after Samuel died...

Luther had a stroke in uetero right at the end of the pregnancy... and had some early issues with some seizures that were closely monitored in the NICU... There were many many people praying for this little guy... (who just happened to walk up to me with the CUTEST CHOCOLATE PUDDING MUSTACHE EVER!!!) And praise God he recovered really well and is doing great... I think it was one of those wait and see kind of deals to reevaluate progress as he has grown older.

The very sad thing... in my grief... combined with some words spoken that I just couldn't shake...when he was born and arrived with concern, while I was concerned and praying for him,  all I could think was "He is alive... they need to be so thankful He is alive"  And I even had the nerve to write those words to my brother in an email...

Ugh... it makes me sick thinking about it... How could my eyes have been so focused on myself?? I know personal perspective is something, but, I said one of the dumbest things... in one of their most trying times... very similar to the silly things people said to me... OUCH!  It is embarrassing to admit...

My grief journey has been full of apologies for ways that I made people uncomfortable... I think most people with babies didn't know how to react to me... so they avoided me... then I felt really awkward... built a wall and started to avoid them... kind of a vicious cycle... Like I said... I have made many apologies for behavior like that... Most were received REALLY well.... most tried to understand... other apologies were not so well received... :(

Thank God for this sweet little bundle of love, Luther... 

Thank God for Luther's understanding parents to not hold a grudge against me when I said stupid things and for being patient with me and the time I needed to spend time together like we always had before I lost Samuel...

 Thank God for His healing touch to literally bring my heart to a beautiful place of fully enjoying this little guy. I love Luther so much... Big lump in my throat over how much I do love him and would have loved seeing Samuel and him raising a ruckus together:):)

I admit, there were many times I would snuggle him up this past weekend and just sort of ponder what it would feel like to have Samuel in my arms... He would be so very big, almost ready for Kindergarten... It boggles my mind:)

So as I move forward... I pray that the Lord would fill me up... fill me up with...

• The grace to be more forgiving... (really who I am to be stingy with forgiveness after how many times the Lord has lavished His grace on me)
• The grace to stop, slow down and pray for the right words to say to someone when they are hurting...
• The grace to expect less from others and more from myself... With the lord's help...
• The grace to look at the heart intent of people, not just at what I think or feel that they might be saying...
• The grace to pour into others and not expect A THING in return for myself...
• the grace to extend that hand of gracious love, kindness, and peace to others... even when my heart is stinging...   

That is truly where the rubber meets the road... It is easy to forgive and be gracious when someone is mostly kind to you... but oh, so much harder when they seem to be oblivious to your hurt or are even insensitive at times.  Only through His strength in our lives is that possible...

I am so very thankful that God saw fit to bring little Luther into our family...

I am in awe of how God can use something that brought such hurt in those early days of grief to teach me so much and to bring an extra special dose of healing to my heart!