WHAT A WEEK!

First day of 2011-2012 school year:)  Already I think Hope may have gotten a good grip on using the big girl potty:)  Yay Hopie!!

This may seem crazy, but I couldn't help posting. I was fixing lunch one day last week and  Jojo was holding Levi on the couch.  Levi started crying... It didn't take long and Jojo started crying.  He told me that it just made him so sad that Levi was sad... I scooped up Levi real quick and everyone was doing much better instantly:) Oh my, it was precious... Jojo loves Levi so much!

Sweet 5 1/2 month old Levi and Anna:)

It has been quite the week.  I got a call last Friday from a gal at our church.  One of her daughter's best friends was 39 weeks pregnant and just had found out that she was going to be delivering her baby that day... but that her baby had died.  I was on my way to Wichita to see the Boggs family when I got the call.

  I was so blessed to be able to visit on the phone with this sweet young gal the night before her daughters funeral service.  The first tearful words out of her mouth to me on the phone were. " How do you do this Sara... I don't think I can do this."  My heart was splitting in a million pieces for her in that instant.  I remember those moments like I was feeling them last week... wondering how on earth you are going to survive the next hour because the pain and suffocating feeling is so intense. 

Anna, Greg, and I went to the service and it was beautiful.... but gut wrenchingly difficult all the same.  This was the 2nd baby funeral in 4 days for us.  I am not going to lie... it is hard for me... very fresh memories... But the hardest part is just watching the moms and knowing exactly what they are probably thinking and feeling.  My heart just breaks for them. All that being said, I would never in a million years pass up the chance to be there for a newly grieving mom.  It is moments like that where I can see a nugget of goodness coming from Samuel's life.   

The crazy thing is this young gal literally lives about 5 minutes from me.  I went over to her house a few nights ago and we just talked and talked. I was able to see the pictures of her daughter and try to encourage her.  She is such a sweet young lady.  Hopefully the Lord will allow me more opportunities to be there for her in the coming days and months.  I have to admit that all of this has had me missing my sweet Samuel all the more.  If you think of it, please be praying for these 2 mamas...

We have had such a busy week with starting school.  Actually the school week went great.  I always think that it takes a good month to get into the swing of things as far as school goes.  Levi is totally easy going and loves to hang out with all of us. 

Hope is a different story...she is 2 and busy as all get out:)  Honestly she has done so much better than I was expecting.  She has been enjoying blanket time playing with her big beads, looking at books and especially playing with her Fisher Price little Loving family dolls and accessories.  As long as she is kept busy, she does so much better.

This is the first year we are doing a home school coop.  I am really looking forward to it.  I think it will be great for the older kids to be responsible to another adult and they are all really excited about it.  The kids spent a couple days at the coop last year when I was in the hospital on bed rest and loved it.  We start with the coop next week, it should be interesting. 

A QUICK TRIP...

 BECKY AND I AND THE 2 YOUNGEST GIFTS FROM GOD...

 THE WHOLE CREW... MINUS CALEB... if you look close you can see the kids Anna on down holding hands... sweet!!

 SWEET ASHER

CHAD, BECKY AND HOPE
(I have no idea why this picture posted this way... hmmmm.)

Last Friday we had a really quick 3 hour drive up to Kansas to visit with our sweet friends the Boggs crew.  Greg and Caleb stayed home... Greg still wasn't feeling well from his pneumonia... (He still isn't 100%)

They drove down about 3 1/2 hours and we met up at a mall.  We were really trying to find someplace fun to meet... but given that it was supposed to be around 100 degrees we opted for the indoor play area at a mall.  Honestly, the kids did extremely well for having to hang out there for over 5 hours. 

These are such treasured friends to me... our 2 years at the seminary together flew by... Becky was an absolute God send to me after Samuel died as well. She still tells me how Samuel short life has changed her thoughts or views on things... I love that she mentions him:) What an amazing friend she is...

They are 2 of Hope's godparents and were definitely used by God to open our hearts even more so to the blessing of adoption.  I am sure that little Hope is a part of our family due to the influence of their family on ours.  While we were at the sem.  they asked us to be godparents to their, at the time, newly adopted Asher... It is funny because our kids have always said that they wanted one like Asher in our family... now we have the female version in our Hope:) 

It was a super sweet time to get to sit and visit with Becky, and Chad too, while the kids played.  Such a treat to have 5 hours to chat chat chat... Man, I miss those days where I could just run across the street to her place or see her and all the kids right outside our my back door at the sem playground...

 Those seminary days were precious! 

OFFICIALLY 1 YEAR A HINTZ

Oh the sweet joys this little wild woman has brought into our lives... 

1 year ago today, after many many months of not knowing if she would stay with our family, she officially became our forever daughter... Little Miss Hope Jubilee...

God was so faithful to carry us through those months of unknown...

She is full of the spunk, a whole lot of fiestiness, intelligence and love...  goodness is she smart:)
She is learning to use the big girl potty...
She challenges me more than any of our kids at this age...
She is cute and knows how to turn on the drama and charm...
She is super affectionate and friendly...
She is a total dare devil...

She is God's gift to us and a clear display of His love for us... Just as we adopted sweet little Hope into our family, He adopts us into His family by the blood of His son Jesus....

We are so thankful for the the gift of HOPE!

And by the way... Happy birthday to my mama... It is so sweet that this special day for Hope and our family is shared with your birthday... Yay God for the extra sweetness:)!!

A BOY AND HIS TOAD:)

I have never seen a more ginormous toad....

So close to my boys face...

Making him squeal in absolute delight...

Making his eyes smile...

And making this mama's heart melt like a puddle of love:)

God is so good to give us these sweet moments:)

REALITY...

Wow, I have thought about posting the last few days and have struggled with how to put out what is really in my heart.

My heart has been heavy... a family from church has a daughter that just delivered a baby girl yesterday... she was 23 weeks along. They had just gotten a fatal diagnosis for their daughter 2 weeks ago. I have cried many tears for them... knowing how much different their lives will be from here on out; knowing how much sadness they will be experiencing; knowing the torment and despair that can be consuming at times when you lose your child. Please pray for the Lord's peace to cover them during this time.

I have cried more tears in the last week than I have in the last few months. Honestly, there is a part of me that is struggling.

I had a couple of comments that were said to me while on vacation that hurt this mama's heart. It was clear that in the moment that the comments were said that this person literally had forgotten about Samuel...clearly forgotten him... this wasn't a person that I would ever think could forget about His life... but they did... in the moment they did:( And OUCH!!! it hurt!

 

 

Then there is the comparing of grief or loss... that somehow it would have been harder to lose a child that lived for a couple of hours versus not living beyond the womb....

The ironic thing was that I had just the day before had a conversation with my sister and mom about how I was doing in regard to Samuel... I was telling them how when I look at Levi I am just amazed by the little things, watching his chest rise and fall, seeing him blink, wiggle, or flinch...I never got to see even the slightest movement from Samuel... I wish I had been able to... even if for just a couple of hours...

 

 

I struggle with knowing that this person would NEVER intend to hurt me... I know that...I love this person so much and I know that they love me just as much:) But it still hurt... It still hurt to have the loss of my son minimized and to have it literally forgotten in that moment...

I get that for others it will never be the loss that it is to me... I understand that fully and don't hold that part against them at all...

 

 

I do not want people to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me...I have heard that before...I know people will make mistakes in what they say to me...it is inevitable and truly I still want people to talk to me about him :) (I guess the difference is when the person who said something not so good realizes how they said it or what they said versus not thinking a thing of it.... does that make sense??) It is one of those sticky situations to have to process and have to maybe respond to.

The reality is that it still hurts to walk this life here on earth without one of my kids with me... I still miss him... I still want his short life to matter to others besides me...I don't think that any of that will ever fully change...

 

 

This week I also had some very strong feelings confirmed in my heart... I knew I had been talked about badly by people... I just felt it for a long time...

(I had to come back and rewrite this part of this post...)

 

 

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you know how hard church was for me that first year, even to the point of the kids and I attending else where for a couple of months. You know how alone I was in my grief while there...

Basically, it has come to my attention that people were talking about me, my blog (it being wrong for me to share the inner most hurting parts of my heart in a public forum... that should have been kept private in their opinion) that it was taking me too long to grieve the life of my son. I know it was said in a public place to many people. (The sort of funny thing is that I am sure it has happened soooo many more times than I am aware of...:)

 

 

I am soooooo incredibly thankful that the Lord has brought more healing to my heart with time.... I can totally deal with hearing it... it won't put me in a bad place emotionally like it would have in that first year. But it still is sort of like salt in the wound, a bit of a knife in the chest...it still hurts.

 

 

It is still hard to accept that in my pain others felt fine to judge me, point fingers, and not at all try to help or be there for me.... It is a little hard to accept that there are people that are that mean...OUCH!

 

 

So here I am almost 3 years later pondering how to process these difficult things. Any other mommas out there who have lost children want to share how they let things like this just roll off their back?

 

 

I know I need to just pray for them.... pray that somehow the Lord would prick their heart and grow them when and how He wants to... it isn't my job...

 

 

I think it has been just the combination of all of these situations and circumstances that has allowed that ache in my chest to return... And I can't help but think of the fact that in just 2 months it will be 3 years with out him... I get a lump in my throat just thinking that it has been that long since I held him in my arms, smelled his wet hair...

But in the same instant, I have to just remind myself that I am 3 years closer to eternity where there will be no more goodbyes...

All of this growing, stretching, aching, longing, hurting... all because of one precious little baby boy the Lord graciously allowed me to carry for 40 weeks and 1 day... I would not trade one second of Samuel's sweet short life...

I miss him...

VACATION MEMORIES

The kids enjoying the beauty of Fence Lake and the Northwoods:)

A photo of all the cousins that were present at the land for a few days together... The older kids watched all the little kids... they were brave and did a great job while the adults all went out to eat:)

Sibling dinner, all of us except for Greg who was home in bed with Pneumonia... poor guy, that was such a bummer... more on that in a bit... Oh my, it was a night to remember, lots of laughter cruising around all together in my big white van... GOOD TIMES...

I am so thankful for the healing that the Lord has done in my heart to allow me to feel like I can finally FULLY participate in fun times with my siblings again. There have been 3 other baby boys added to our family, 4 including Levi, in the last 3 years since Samuel died and at times that was more than difficult for me. God has been so faithful to restore joy to my heart even amidst the sadness of still missing Samuel. My family is such a gift from God... such neat people, grief has a way of making even the best relationships hard at times... Bummer, but it is the hard truth...

I gave them all, including my parents the book, Tear Soup... it is in my opinion one of the best books on healing after a loss. I am hoping that it will continue to help my family and others understand where I am at even now almost 3 years after Samuel died.

This trip was one of such sweet times with my family and I am so thankful...

The kids outside of Paul Bunyans... why are trips home to Wisconsin all about the food at times?? :)

Jojo blowing out the candles on Greg's cake. We didn't want Greg spreading any germs to the rest of us. By far the biggest bummer of the trip was that Greg was sick almost the whole time. He literally spent the first 5 days in bed... We went up from southern Milwaukee to northern Wisconsin and he went right back to bed for the next 2 days. After a trip to urgent care, a blood draw, a chest x-ray... it was determined that he had pneumonia. I have not seen him that sick since his cancer 19 years ago. At one point, I found him in bed on his hands and knees with his face in the pillow. He said it was the only way he could stop from coughing. POOR GUY!! How is that for vacation time huh?:(

The last 2 days of vacation he did make it up to the couch and even twice outside with the rest of us. Needless to say, the family time was almost non existent... big bummer... the kids and I had a great vacation, but it was not at all the same as it would have been had Greg been able to hang out with us. I went from taking care of and playing with the kids, to checking on him. We are hoping and praying that some how the Lord will bless us with some sweet times together in the next few weeks before school gets into full swing for us.

He is still really tired, but thank God for His healing touch on Greg that he seems to be on the mend now:)

On the way up to Wisconsin when we stopped in St. Louis for me to share our story at the seminary, I was blessed to have a couple of hours with my sweet "blog in real life friend Ebe" She and I met in Georgia about a year and a half ago with our other blog friend Tonya (we missed you so much Tonya:(

Since the last time I saw her we have both added healthy, living, precious children... It was such a sweet time to just visit and know that the other "gets it" She and her husband are now in St. Louis at a different seminary than we were during our time there:) It was a gift to get a chance to visit with her again... God has been so good to bring friends into my life because of Samuel that I never would have had the chance to meet otherwise...:)

LOOK WHO IS 5 MONTHS OLD:)

Oh my.... is he yummy or what? I am absolutely blown away that 5 months of life with this precious miracle have already passed me by...

We all love his chubby legs, beautiful grayish colored eyes, kissable cheeks, silky soft bottoms of his feet, crystal clear drool... I could go on and on....

Praising God for the precious gift of life in Levi Ryan... Greg is sharing a little bit about how this little guy came to join our family in church tomorrow. We don't ever hide his story from anyone, but I know that there are many at church that may not know that he came to our family through the miracle of embryo adoption. It should be fun to see and hear some of the reactions:)

I have tons to share about our trip in the coming days... but for now... tonight... we are praising and thanking our gracious God for 5 months with this sweet little baby boy who brings such delight to our hearts! We never take a day for granted...

STATE FAIR

Levi, Louis and Ella at the pig races... who is that crazy guy in the background picking his nose??? Oh yeah, just uncle Josh being a total SPAZ! Oh brother...:)

Jojo totally enjoying his cream puff... Honestly, I can only get 1/2 of one down they are so filled with cream... only in Wisconsin:)

Even though I can only get a 1/2 down... not the bigger boys, they go for the full one:)

A very tired Hopie girl:)

Anna, Jo, Levi, and I at the end of the night...
Jojo's words were, "I think my muscles are all used up!:)"
It was an extremely full day of cows, pigs, goats, horses, tons of kids, the vendor hall, and lots of food. Lots of memory making for another year:)

COUSIN TIME

A bunch of the cousins in the cow barn at state fair... man we learned a lot and did a whole lot of laughing yesterday:)
We were even fortunate to get to hang out with our good friends, the Dinkelmans from Tulsa who happened to be up on vacation too:)

The kids hanging out in Pretty Lake... it is the perfect lake for kids, shallow and sandy... It is so nice to have a way to stay cool and literally just be across the road from the lake... what a blessing!

Anna and Sophia playing dress up:)

Izzy and Hope... could these 2 look any more different? They are having a ball getting to know each other this go around... Hope is totally into her new buddy:)

We are enjoying our vacation immensely. We picked up Greg from the airport and unfortunately he is not feeling well at all. We are praying that he gets to feeling better quick so he can enjoy his vacation and not spend it in bed:( We are planning on doing our sibling dinner... just the 5 siblings, spouses, 2 babies, and the rest are staying home being watched by the bigger kids. I think that they have a dance party planned... Should be a fun night for us all:)
It is just such a blessing to all be here an have this time together. I am so thankful for the healing that the Lord has brought that I truly feel like I can enjoy all these things kind of like I used to:)
I will admit that when we do take a big family picture I am always thinking that Samuel is missing... but God has been so faithful to continue to heal my heart each day...

I just watched a video about Heaven with one of my nieces and we were remarking all about what it will be like when we see Samuel again... I told I was so thankful that she was thinking about him too:) Thanks Lindsday Ladybug for remembering your little cousin:)