Saturday, September 18, 2010

HONEST TRUTH

This is the honest truth...

This pregnancy after our full term loss of Samuel is MUCH harder than I EVER thought it would be.

You see, when you have a baby make it to full term, where they are as good as in your arms... and they die inside of you... you know full well, there is no safe time... you are NEVER in the clear...

I have thought since Samuel died, that the risk was getting pregnant again was 100% worth it... the end result if it goes as you desire is to have this beautiful precious living child in your arms... That is worth pretty much anything in my mind... but if you have experienced the loss of a baby, you know the depth of that kind of pain... deeper than I ever knew possible... even with knowing that the end result could be the same deep pain, it is still so worth it!

But here is where the rubber meets the road...

I will try not to share TMI but give you the basics... a couple of weeks ago, I started spotting some. It was never bright red blood, but looked like "old blood" to me. I had it for a couple of days, and then had an ultrasound right before we left for Louisiana that looked great. That sort of set my mind at ease.

I had some more earlier this week and called an spoke with a nurse, who was incredibly sweet. She gave me a few possible reasons for the spotting and said to call back anytime with any questions. Well, from what she said we figured it would slow and stop and not come back. Well, when it came back WAY MORE PRONOUNCED on Friday... you could say I sort of freaked.

I called them right away. It was still not bright red, but "old blood", but it was a larger amount of spotting than what I had previously. They said to come in and have the tech do an ultrasound. I right away asked, "But she won't be able to tell me anything right?" They said they would have me talk with the DR. right afterwards.

Here is where I DO NOT FIT THE NORMAL MOLD OF A PATIENT!!! I know their rules... but when you have had one child die in your womb and you know it in your heart, but they can't tell you... make you wait 15 minutes until the nurse just pokes her head in the room to just mention... "Your doctor in on the way... there was not cardiac activity in the baby." and she steps out.... the waiting for info just doesn't sit well with me.

The same exact thing happened with Joel the baby we were to adopt... I could see clear as day... no heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. We had to leave the ultrasound place go to another whole building and wait on the doctor... the whole time I was the only one who knew the truth about that baby... and everyone else was hoping everything was just fine... In fact I remember sitting with he birth mom, her mother and grandmother after the ultrasound, waiting for the tech to come back in. They all wanted to talk about what we would do after the baby came... where would the birth mom stay then since she had been staying with us? Would we come visit her with the baby? The whole time we are having this conversation... I am thinking the baby is gone... all we are discussing will never happen. It was just bizarre and felt totally wrong.

The crazy thing is we know our tech... and she is awesome!!! We love her, she is actually a member of our church and has done 3 other scans on me already with this baby! We trust her completely and she has treated us so incredibly well! (If you are reading this L... you know how much we love you and appreciate you!!!!)

Anyways, I left all the kids home, picked up Greg at work and headed down there. Right away when we met the tech...she tried to reassure us that all would be well. To be honest, I was 100% convinced that the baby as gone. I know that may sound weird to some, maybe understandable to others. I honestly told Greg that if it was still with us... that it may not be for long. I was a mess. My eyes were already puffy from the tears... I just wasn't sure how I would get through another miscarriage after I had made it so far... and the kids were worried and praying at home.

I have always been a really optimistic person... not so much anymore... How do you balance knowing that the most amazing thing may happen or that maybe that isn't God's plan and the most difficult thing may happen just as well? I REALLY struggle with that balancing your hope for the future with the reality of what you have already experienced? Does that make sense? (More on that in another post)

Ok, back to the the ultrasound. Well the minute she got it focused on the baby... I could see the heart beating nice and strong. I was so relieved... ahhhhh praise God! She checked a couple of things and then focused on the heartbeat and took the rate of how fast it was going. We could hear it loud and clear... it was beautiful. And then my husband did the MOST thoughtful thing. He very sweetly said to the tech, " Now we have had some not so good experiences in the past... how can we set Sara's mind at ease... that this really is the baby's heartbeat and not her own."

You know at that moment that thought hadn't even crossed my mind... I could see the baby's heart beating on the screen. But the minute he said it, I immediately started the ugly cry, noisy, shaking and all. (You see, when we suspected that Samuel was gone, we went to the Dr... we heard the heartbeat... was told it was his... but it wasn't. I even asked at the time... "Could that be my heartbeat?" I was reassured by some noise the dr. could hear of the valves... I know it was an honest mistake but, It was mine... panicked and racing. We were sent to the hospital, I even sent Greg off with some of the kids to Goodwill to find tennis shoes thinkig we were fine. I went up stairs with a couple of the kids only to see moments later that they couldn't find a heartbeat with the monitor... and there I sat alone... waiting for Greg to return... waiting hours for the ultrasound machine to make its way in the room... all the while knowing... THIS IS NOT RIGHT!)

Ok, back to the present, so there I sat a complete mess weeping on the ultrasound table. Two moments colliding in my mind... I was sooooooo very thankful and grateful to God for the precious sound of this baby's heartbeat... but at the same moment feeling the full weight of our previous experience. It was just hard. I am amazed sometimes that Greg has the insight to think of those kinds of things that may be worrying me... I love that about him... absolutely love that He totally understands my worries and concerns!

We got lots of great pics from our tech of this precious one again...

I then met with the Doctor who reassured me that everything looks great. He went on to say, "You know you measured about 12 weeks, you are as good as in the clear... Well, we all know you are never really in the clear." And that is the honest truth in a nutshell. As much as I feel great that I am heading into the 2nd trimester and all looks great. I will NEVER feel like I am in the clear with this little one. The doctor and the ultrasound tech both talked to us about what was causing the spotting. It looks like when the baby implanted... it sort of dug in so to speak... leaving some blood there. It is called a subchorionic Hematoma. I asked if it is normal for this to happen... he said, "Yes, well no, not normal, but it isn't uncommon... it is so common we would almost say it is normal" He said it does increase your risk of miscarriage. But that mine has gotten smaller on the ultrasounds which is a good thing.

Of course I googled it, not a good thing to do. It seems that there may be an increased risk of preterm labor or placental abruption... OK, that is a very bad thing... But the majority of women go on to have healthy babies. I really have had minimal spotting all in all, but enough to freak me out. The doctor really didn't seemed concerned. I am glad to know more of what to watch for just in case though... and I am not going to focus on all the what ifs... right now this baby is here and I am incredibly thankful for that!

So the funny thing is, I can rest in peace knowing that the Lord knows the number of this baby's days... I of course long for them to many many many. But I am not in control of that. I know He already knows exactly how this will all play out with this little one. There is not a single thing I can do to change that outcome. I have peace knowing it is out of my hands... yet I say that knowing I may not like the way it plays out. Do I know that God is capable of bringing this baby safely to us... 100%. I pray that is His will, but I will surrender to whatever His will is for this baby.

Would you pray for the safety and protection of this little one growing inside of me:) Pray for the Lord's will to be done and for peace to cover my heart! Would you also pray for the hemorrhage to disappear or be absorbed into the body, which is what can happen. I so appreciate knowing that others are praying for this precious little life that God has created! Thank you so much!

All of that to say.... the honest truth is that this pregnancy after loss thing is hard... totally worth it:), but really hard none the less... Thanks for walking it with me:)

Sorry for getting long winded....:)

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

praying sweet Sara! I remember that sick feeling when I saw blood and miscarried...I am praying and praising God with you today that your little one is safe inside you with the always-safe hands of our Heavenly Father wrapped around your womb...call me if you need to talk and pray....I love you~! mary

Tonya said...

Sweet friend, I will most certainly pray. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with complications on top of the already emotional roller coaster this pregnancy brings about. It's just plain hard. And you won't rest until that baby is alive in your arms. And even now, I don't completely rest because I'm consumed with thoughts that something is going to happen to him now. Uggh. Will it ever get better? Please keep us posted. Would love to talk soon!

Love you!
Tonya

Stacy said...

Continuing to pray and covering all that you requested. God is holding you all in His might and righteous right hand and deepening your faith, moment by moment as you trust in Him. He is faithful to see you through.

I so remember being pregnant with Jed after Joshua went into Jesus's arms. You become sensitive to every ache and pain and fear can easily begin to dwell as you relive all that happened before. I will be praying that you can take each and every thought and fear captive as unto the Lord and that you will "cast your cares on Him for He cares for you."

I am praising God today for that beautiful heartbeat and praying that the spotting stops completely and His peace will flow over you continually.

Thank you for sharing all the details with us. I am so sorry you have had to go through this, but thanking God with you for ordering the details.

Stand strong, friend, He has counted you worthy!

Much love,
Stacy

Lisa said...

Sara, you are so brave. Yes, I am praying. I know every moment is in the hands of the father, but I also know you can't be brave every moment. So I'm praying that you be covered in peace and security especially during those moments. Peace to you~

Laura said...

Sara I totally understand what you're talking about. Even with my 2nd pregnancy after losing Mya I was a mess at the end. I think I went up to the maternity ward 3+ times in the last few weeks for non-stress tests and stuff...worried. And that feeling that something is wrong is SO BAD. Heart racing, stomach in your throat...can't think about anything else. Panic! God really blessed me though - both Jaxon and Jada were very active in my womb and I never felt the need to do kick counts with Jaxon cause he moved so much, and only one scare with Jada. I will pray that you will feel your little one move soon and that you will feel LOTS of movements to keep you reassured.

I also hear what you're saying about balancing hope and your past experience. For me it's learning what trusting God really means.

I'm so thrilled for you that you've got a baby growing inside you. I can't remember if I commented on your previous post about this or not but I really believe that there is a part of a woman (who has lost a baby) that can only heal after giving birth to a healthy baby. Do you think?

Bethany said...

Loved the honesty...praying for you and the sweet little one.

Christa said...

Praying for you and that sweet little baby growing inside of you! :)

Rachel said...

Praying for you, Sara and your sweet little one!

Angela said...

We will be here praying with you and your sweet snowflake baby! Thanks for sharing your heart. It must be so hard to do! bless you!
Angela

Carolina said...

Sarah- thank you for your honesty. Those are very similar emotions I had during my pregnancy with Jack except I never wrote them down like that. I understand your fears and I'd probably feel the same way too in your shoes! thankfully God is still in control despite all these scary pitfalls along the way. He will carry you through and I pray He will bless you with a little one to hold. I believe with all my heart He will!


There were times during my pregnancy when I was too frustrated, angry, or too tired to pray. During those times it was so encouraging to have a friend pray over me to ask for all the things I desired, but didn't have the strength to ask for. Please remember that when you feel you can't go on any longer, your family and friends can pray along with you and help along the way!

Carolina

Cecilia said...

Oh how I understand those feelings. My loss admittedly wasn't full term (29 wks), but I do struggle with the emotions of losing Ethan while carrying this little one. I didn't think it would be easy (and I wouldn't give up this time carrying her even if we don't get to bring her home) but the emotional side of things is a lot stronger than I imagined. Thinking of you and your little one today.

Anonymous said...

even though we know God is in control, it has always been hard for me not to worry about my babies - no matter how old they get! it's just so hard, isn't it? a mom's love is so deep. i'll keep praying for you......
connie

mom2many said...

Sara, I think it's safe to say that EVERYTHING is harder after a loss. But I know what you mean. I am struggling to see my two babies make it past 2 years of age. I know it's silly, I have 6 others who survived, but it's still there. As Aaron is getting close to the age Jacob was when he passed and doing so many of the "two year old" stuff, well, it's just hard. But God does know the number of days and He is ultimately in control. I pray that the experience of your past doesn't foreshadow the joy of this new life...that you will be afforded all the fun and memories of growing a baby!!!

Ebe said...

Sara, it's so so hard and you can't know until you live it. It's a terrible feeling- a fear that consumes and robs and paralyzes, I'm sorry.
I am still praying. Friend, you will survive these fear filled days.

If you're ever having an intense moment, please email me. I'd love to intercede right then and there!

love you,
ebe