Finding out who this little one is... Part 1

Here is the latest picture of Baby H...

I couldn't believe that you could get such a perfect little profile shot of this tiny person who is only about 4 inches from head to rump... God's handiwork is truly amazing!

We have never known the sex of any of our babies before the day that they were born...

Greg always wanted to find out, but I didn't... I guess since I was the one carrying the babies... I won:)

This time around we are going to do it a little differently...I want to explain why that is the case, but first I want to give you a little back ground...

I want to post a copy of the article Greg wrote for our church's newsletter from November 2008...

The crazy thing about our old church newsletters is that they were written in the month prior so that they could arrive at people's homes by the beginning of the month...

What is below is what came to all of our church member's homes on October 29th 2008... the exact day that I realized the baby wasn't moving and we found out he was a boy and that he was already experiencing the glories of Heaven with his creator... I of course didn't see it until I came home from the hospital the next day.

This will give you a bit of background on how we normally did things when our little ones arrived...

NAMING RIGHTS

As of this printing, we are awaiting the arrival of our fifth child. We actually don't know whether the baby will be a boy or a girl because Sara wants it to be a surprise. I would rather know. So we made a compromise... we'll do what we did with the other four. We will wait and see who the baby is when he or she is birthed.

In case you didn't follow that, there really is no compromise:) Even though it is the same disagreement as before, I find myself getting excited because our family tradition that we have continues. When the baby is born, I get to announce who is coming into the world. I still even remember the day my oldest son was born. I excitedly shouted out, "It's Louis! It's Louis!" It was the first time we knew who he was. And it was the same for the other children as well. We made huge deals over naming our children_ we gathered names and made lists, took polls, read books on meanings of names and did then other different things.

Well, just when I think that I have the naming rights for the kids, I am humbly reminded of Who really has the naming rights. God has the rights! God knows who you are. David declares the awesome power of God in making you His precious creation. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

So be encouraged that God has created you and calls you His own. He knows your name:)

HE KNOWS YOUR NAME

I have a maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

my life was in His hands.

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when I call

I have a father

He calls me His own

He'll never leave me

No matter where I roam

He knows Your name

He knows your every thought

He sees all those tears that fall

And He'll hear you when you call.

I am still struck by the irony of that coming out the exact day that we knew Samuel would never breathe a breath on this earth in our arms. God knew the number of his days here on this earth and they had already come to pass.

We had that same song, He Knows My Name, at Samuel's memorial service just 5 days after the newsletter arrived at our house. I have always loved that song... now when I hear it... it evokes some strong emotions... still...

So that was the previous routine... things are different now... we are different, and we think about many things quite differently... So in my next post I will explain more why we are doing it differently this time around and why we are finding out as much as we can about this precious little one that is growing inside of me. :)

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS

A few random thoughts and updates:

1. Our MEND bunco bash fundraiser turned out great. The boys took the day off of school and helped all day to get things ready. It was a lot of fun and a great success. Now we get ready for our very first Walk To Remember in less than 3 weeks. The main purpose is to offer a Christian based remembrance service for infants. There are other remembrance services, but nothing else that is Christian based. We want to offer HOPE to those who are hurting.

I know it be very special and probably will come at the perfect time for me... just 2 weeks before Samuel's 2nd birthday in Heaven.

2. I am 13 weeks along and growing like crazy... truly crazy. I am not sure if it is just because it is my 6th pregnancy or the fact that I graze constantly to curb the nausea... I am having a lot less spotting than I was a couple of weeks ago. That has been nice... I did find out that I have 2 abnormalities in my blood work, but thankfully nothing real serious. All we had to do was add a baby aspirin and new prenatals with a folic acid supplement as well. They will check for a few things on the anatomy scan that can be more common with the abnormalities I have. Truly I am not worried about that part. I know God is forming this baby perfectly as He desires...

I am still really nauseous, which I see as a good thing. And the older kids are just awesome in letting me nap when I just can't get through the afternoon with out one:) They have been such great helpers.

3. We had beautiful cool weather today. Fall has always been my favorite season. But I will be honest, for me now with the coolness of fall comes a whole lot of memories of the saddest time in my life. It is bizarre how just the cool wind in my face can vividly bring things back. Since Samuel's birthday is just about a month away... I am really starting to think of how we will celebrate it this year. I do feel different than last year... Last year we spent the 29th alone as a family. Then on the 30th we had special people come over... Local people who had really supported us in that first year with out him. The real reason for that was, honestly, that I wasn't sure I would survive the day without people supporting me in the flesh:)

This year I know we will make it through... there has been much progress in the healing, but at the same time I know the grief and memories will be REALLY hard to manage all the same. At this point all I know is that I want to be able to do whatever we need to do... whatever feels right to us at the time... Whatever will get us through the 2 days as a family... I know that those things that we choose to do may not be "normal" to the average person... I know for me as Samuel's mommy, the carrier of that precious life, the grief will be different than it will be for everyone else...we will see how that all plays out.

So in the crisper weather tonight we went for a really nice family walk and even put a fire in the fireplace... while we enjoyed some apple cider and popcorn for dinner.

4. The other night Lou, Greg and I watch the movie AMISH GRACE. I had never heard of it. Oh... my... goodness.... what a story of forgiveness. If you ever get the chance to rent it I would highly recommend it. I think Caleb would get a lot out of it as well, but it probably would be too much for Anna. It is based on the true story of the shooting at the Amish school that killed 5 Amish girls. It was done very respectfully and well. Wow... it is an excellent movie.

5. We should be able to find out the sex of this little one in 2-3 weeks. This is brand new to us... I will share more all about our reasons for finding out this time around, in a post coming up soon!

Well that is about all for now... off to clean up the kitchen and hit the hay!

IT DOESN'T MATTER...:)

ANNA ON CHRISTMAS DAY 2007

IT DOESN'T MATTER...


WHAT COLOR YOUR SKIN IS...






WHEN YOU ARE SISTERS....:)








A short little story here...


Christmas was different when we were at the seminary, living on only what I made teaching my childbirth classes, Greg's very part time job at the seminary cafeteria, and the extreme generosity of friends, and loved ones...





We had a campus re-sell it shop. We found great deals here all through out the year... but at Christmas they had a morning where they put out all that they had stockpiled through out the year. Anytime they got a gift that was actually new or in really good condition they put it aside for this morning. In the early hours on that Saturday in December, you could go down to the
re-sell it shop and pick out one toy per child in your family. It was awesome.





I think it was our second year there and I stumbled upon this precious little black baby doll and I knew that was the gift for Anna. You see, I had a little black baby doll when I was little and it was one of my favorites.





Some of my friends sort of laughed when I picked it out. I really didn't think anything of it... I just thought it was precious. I did wonder a little what Anna would think of it.





The absolute best thing about it was that when Anna opened that present on Christmas morning... she just snuggled that baby doll and truly she didn't even notice what color it was. We actually had to point it out to her at some point...





She named that dolly SCHNOOKEMS... and she is SCHNOOKEMS to this day:)

HONEST TRUTH

This is the honest truth...

This pregnancy after our full term loss of Samuel is MUCH harder than I EVER thought it would be.

You see, when you have a baby make it to full term, where they are as good as in your arms... and they die inside of you... you know full well, there is no safe time... you are NEVER in the clear...

I have thought since Samuel died, that the risk was getting pregnant again was 100% worth it... the end result if it goes as you desire is to have this beautiful precious living child in your arms... That is worth pretty much anything in my mind... but if you have experienced the loss of a baby, you know the depth of that kind of pain... deeper than I ever knew possible... even with knowing that the end result could be the same deep pain, it is still so worth it!

But here is where the rubber meets the road...

I will try not to share TMI but give you the basics... a couple of weeks ago, I started spotting some. It was never bright red blood, but looked like "old blood" to me. I had it for a couple of days, and then had an ultrasound right before we left for Louisiana that looked great. That sort of set my mind at ease.

I had some more earlier this week and called an spoke with a nurse, who was incredibly sweet. She gave me a few possible reasons for the spotting and said to call back anytime with any questions. Well, from what she said we figured it would slow and stop and not come back. Well, when it came back WAY MORE PRONOUNCED on Friday... you could say I sort of freaked.

I called them right away. It was still not bright red, but "old blood", but it was a larger amount of spotting than what I had previously. They said to come in and have the tech do an ultrasound. I right away asked, "But she won't be able to tell me anything right?" They said they would have me talk with the DR. right afterwards.

Here is where I DO NOT FIT THE NORMAL MOLD OF A PATIENT!!! I know their rules... but when you have had one child die in your womb and you know it in your heart, but they can't tell you... make you wait 15 minutes until the nurse just pokes her head in the room to just mention... "Your doctor in on the way... there was not cardiac activity in the baby." and she steps out.... the waiting for info just doesn't sit well with me.

The same exact thing happened with Joel the baby we were to adopt... I could see clear as day... no heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. We had to leave the ultrasound place go to another whole building and wait on the doctor... the whole time I was the only one who knew the truth about that baby... and everyone else was hoping everything was just fine... In fact I remember sitting with he birth mom, her mother and grandmother after the ultrasound, waiting for the tech to come back in. They all wanted to talk about what we would do after the baby came... where would the birth mom stay then since she had been staying with us? Would we come visit her with the baby? The whole time we are having this conversation... I am thinking the baby is gone... all we are discussing will never happen. It was just bizarre and felt totally wrong.

The crazy thing is we know our tech... and she is awesome!!! We love her, she is actually a member of our church and has done 3 other scans on me already with this baby! We trust her completely and she has treated us so incredibly well! (If you are reading this L... you know how much we love you and appreciate you!!!!)

Anyways, I left all the kids home, picked up Greg at work and headed down there. Right away when we met the tech...she tried to reassure us that all would be well. To be honest, I was 100% convinced that the baby as gone. I know that may sound weird to some, maybe understandable to others. I honestly told Greg that if it was still with us... that it may not be for long. I was a mess. My eyes were already puffy from the tears... I just wasn't sure how I would get through another miscarriage after I had made it so far... and the kids were worried and praying at home.

I have always been a really optimistic person... not so much anymore... How do you balance knowing that the most amazing thing may happen or that maybe that isn't God's plan and the most difficult thing may happen just as well? I REALLY struggle with that balancing your hope for the future with the reality of what you have already experienced? Does that make sense? (More on that in another post)

Ok, back to the the ultrasound. Well the minute she got it focused on the baby... I could see the heart beating nice and strong. I was so relieved... ahhhhh praise God! She checked a couple of things and then focused on the heartbeat and took the rate of how fast it was going. We could hear it loud and clear... it was beautiful. And then my husband did the MOST thoughtful thing. He very sweetly said to the tech, " Now we have had some not so good experiences in the past... how can we set Sara's mind at ease... that this really is the baby's heartbeat and not her own."

You know at that moment that thought hadn't even crossed my mind... I could see the baby's heart beating on the screen. But the minute he said it, I immediately started the ugly cry, noisy, shaking and all. (You see, when we suspected that Samuel was gone, we went to the Dr... we heard the heartbeat... was told it was his... but it wasn't. I even asked at the time... "Could that be my heartbeat?" I was reassured by some noise the dr. could hear of the valves... I know it was an honest mistake but, It was mine... panicked and racing. We were sent to the hospital, I even sent Greg off with some of the kids to Goodwill to find tennis shoes thinkig we were fine. I went up stairs with a couple of the kids only to see moments later that they couldn't find a heartbeat with the monitor... and there I sat alone... waiting for Greg to return... waiting hours for the ultrasound machine to make its way in the room... all the while knowing... THIS IS NOT RIGHT!)

Ok, back to the present, so there I sat a complete mess weeping on the ultrasound table. Two moments colliding in my mind... I was sooooooo very thankful and grateful to God for the precious sound of this baby's heartbeat... but at the same moment feeling the full weight of our previous experience. It was just hard. I am amazed sometimes that Greg has the insight to think of those kinds of things that may be worrying me... I love that about him... absolutely love that He totally understands my worries and concerns!

We got lots of great pics from our tech of this precious one again...

I then met with the Doctor who reassured me that everything looks great. He went on to say, "You know you measured about 12 weeks, you are as good as in the clear... Well, we all know you are never really in the clear." And that is the honest truth in a nutshell. As much as I feel great that I am heading into the 2nd trimester and all looks great. I will NEVER feel like I am in the clear with this little one. The doctor and the ultrasound tech both talked to us about what was causing the spotting. It looks like when the baby implanted... it sort of dug in so to speak... leaving some blood there. It is called a subchorionic Hematoma. I asked if it is normal for this to happen... he said, "Yes, well no, not normal, but it isn't uncommon... it is so common we would almost say it is normal" He said it does increase your risk of miscarriage. But that mine has gotten smaller on the ultrasounds which is a good thing.

Of course I googled it, not a good thing to do. It seems that there may be an increased risk of preterm labor or placental abruption... OK, that is a very bad thing... But the majority of women go on to have healthy babies. I really have had minimal spotting all in all, but enough to freak me out. The doctor really didn't seemed concerned. I am glad to know more of what to watch for just in case though... and I am not going to focus on all the what ifs... right now this baby is here and I am incredibly thankful for that!

So the funny thing is, I can rest in peace knowing that the Lord knows the number of this baby's days... I of course long for them to many many many. But I am not in control of that. I know He already knows exactly how this will all play out with this little one. There is not a single thing I can do to change that outcome. I have peace knowing it is out of my hands... yet I say that knowing I may not like the way it plays out. Do I know that God is capable of bringing this baby safely to us... 100%. I pray that is His will, but I will surrender to whatever His will is for this baby.

Would you pray for the safety and protection of this little one growing inside of me:) Pray for the Lord's will to be done and for peace to cover my heart! Would you also pray for the hemorrhage to disappear or be absorbed into the body, which is what can happen. I so appreciate knowing that others are praying for this precious little life that God has created! Thank you so much!

All of that to say.... the honest truth is that this pregnancy after loss thing is hard... totally worth it:), but really hard none the less... Thanks for walking it with me:)

Sorry for getting long winded....:)

Back safe and sound

What a whirlwind of a weekend... I of course took tons of pictures with the mother of the baby's camera and not one with mine... ugh! But Louis did capture this goofy one of Hope. What an expression huh? She is still full of the hootspa. Honestly, I think she may be the smartest of our kids yet... and the most strong willed... WOOH! I just keep telling her, "I will win this one!:)" I don't think she has fully understood that yet... she is still pushing... So she brings us much laughter and smiles and some challenges, just like any kid:)

We had a great time with Ryane and Blake and sweet little Payton. I wondered how it would be with a newborn around. And truly, praise God, it was better than I anticipated. I couldn't help but hold her. She was tiny... I just kept thinking, Samuel was this big at birth. Payton is around 2 months already. She was just precious. Man to have that little nugget in my arms felt strange, but good. The best part was when she just fell asleep as I held her... Oh... I have missed that snuggly feeling so much! What a precious little gift from God. The baptism went well. We got to see Greg's parents, aunt and uncle, and cousins. But it was incredibly fast... and I am incredibly tired:) But it was so worth it!

I am extremely nauseaus today and I think I have a sinus headache... I think I am actually having some of the terrible Oklahoma allergies everyone talks about. I am praying that it will all lift a bit as this is the week for our big fundraiser for my infant loss support group M.E.N.D. There is tons of work to do... Last year the fundraiser, a bunco bash, was really fun. Louis and Caleb will take Thursday off of school to help with everything for this years potato supper and bunco bash. We have some awesome prizes... I am hoping that it is a big success, that will enable us to continue to reach out to hurting families who have lost babies.

Well, I wanted to do a quick update on all that has been going on... physically, soon I will update on all that is going on in my mind...

On the way home from going out for yogurt tonight, ( I was too nauseaus to cook dinner:) Jojo said that he wanted to tell Samuel about this lady we saw that had a beard. Ok, that part made me laugh, about the beard. It just seems so funny to me all the every day things we still want to share with our boy. That we wish he was still a part of. I think with his 2nd birthday just around the corner... the mind goes back to the details of it all so easily. That of course, combined with the hormones of pregnancy... can make for some busyness in the mind that is for sure. I will post about that soon.

So thankful for the encouragement you all give me and for your prayers for this little one on the way....

ON THE ROAD AGAIN...

We are about to get back in the big white beast... and hit the open road...

I tell you I never used to think it was difficult to get ready for a trip...

But that was probably 4 kids ago:) That said, I wouldn't have it any other way:)
Well, except having one other precious little almost 2 year old boy in the car with us too:)


We all got another sneak peak at the little one yesterday...

He/she is the size of a peanut... only a peanut and there was the heart just chugging away... LOVE IT!

I can now be pretty much out from under the care of the California clinic... they said to call when I deliver... I have a little bit of a hard time believing that may really happen... a healthy, living, squirming, pink, screaming little baby in our arms next Spring...

We are trusting God each step of the way...

OH... MY.... GOODNESS... my husband was in rare form at our Love and Respect Bible Study last night... I feared I might be under the table in embarrassment by the end of the night... There were over 40 people there which made my heart swell for him... He is working so hard right now, between all he does at church, another masters class at night, and everything around the house... With a class at church you just never know what the turn out will be, but I am so thankful that people are seeing the value of this class. It is really good.

Anyways, I think what sent me OVER THE EDGE was when he was talking about how women and men are different and that we like to get together often and sit and visit over tea and GIBLETS...

What in the world are GIBLETS... AHHHHH CRUMPETS MAYBE??? oh my... he really did have me in stitches. I think the family life area is really his nitch and I am so happy he has finally found it:)

Well, I better run. We don't have a thing packed...

Be back in a couple of days:)

FLOWERS FROM SAMUEL'S GARDEN

ZINNIAS... I LOVE HOW THEY CAN HAVE 30 PETALS OR 100... THEY ARE ALL SO DIFFERENT AND INCREDIBLY VIBRANTLY COLORFUL:)
COSMOS... WISPY AND SO DELICATE... DO YOU SEE THAT TINY LITTLE BEE I CAUGHT COMING FOR A DRINK?

THE FINISHED PRODUCT...

WHEN THE FLOWERS IN SAMUEL'S GARDEN ARE IN BLOOM, MY HEART IS FILLED WITH JOY. I LOVE COLOR AND I LOVE FLOWERS. I LOVE SITTING OUT THERE AND WHEN THE FLOWERS ARE IN BLOOM IT GIVES ME AN ALIVE FEELING...

WE ARE REALLY TRYING TO GET INTO A GROOVE WITH SCHOOL. IT IS ALWAYS SLOW GOING IN THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR... BUT I DO FIND THIS YEAR I REALLY NEED TO COMMIT MYSELF TO STAYING HOME AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE DURING THE DAY TO GET IT ALL IN AND HAVE IT BE ENJOYABLE FOR US ALL.

HOPE DOESN'T ENJOY PLAYING BY HERSELF TOO MUCH (YOU KNOW BY HERSELF, BUT IN THE SAME ROOM:) SO SHE IS LEARNING THAT IS A PART OF HER LIFE TOO:)

WE ARE GETTING READY TO HEAD TO LOUISIANA FOR A SUPER QUICK TRIP FOR GREG TO DO A BAPTISM. LITERALLY WE HEAD DOWN THURSDAY AND HEAD BACK SATURDAY. HIS COUSIN RYANE HAD A BABY AND SHE HAS BEEN SUCH A HUGE SUPPORT TO ME OVER THE PAST YEAR. WE CAN'T WAIT TO CELEBRATE WITH THEM.

WE ARE SO ENJOYING THE COOLER WEATHER... IN THE 80'S TO LOW 90'S. WE CAN ACTUALLY GO OUTSIDE AND NOT FEEL LIKE WE ARE INSTANTLY GOING TO MELT:)

BRING ON THE FALL WEATHER...

SOME PHOTOS I CAN NOW SHARE:)

I AM DRIVING GREG CRAZY WITH ALL THE HATS, FLOWERS, AND BOWS... BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF:)

EASTER SUNDAY... HOPE IS GETTING SOME LOVIN'


I JUST LOVE HER EXPRESSION IN THIS PICTURE.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES FROM MOTHER'S DAY

WELL TONIGHT I AM GLORIOUSLY NAUSEOUS AND FULL OF HEARTBURN FOR THE FIRST TIME:) YAY... ALL GOOD SIGNS:)

I WENT TO THE DR. TODAY AND HAD ANOTHER ULTRASOUND... STANDARD PROTOCOL FOR THE CALIFORNIA CLINIC. ANNA CAME WITH GREG AND I AND WE COULD ACTUALLY SEE THE LITTLE GUY/GIRL MOVING AROUND... HE/SHE IS ABOUT AN INCH LONG, BUT YOU COULD LITERALLY SEE THE MOVEMENT... IT WAS AMAZING! WHAT A MIRACLE IS GOING ON INSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW! WE ARE STILL IN AWE!

ALL THAT WORK TO GET MY HOME SCHOOL SCHEDULE READY BEFORE THE YEAR AND I HAVEN'T STUCK TO IT AT ALL. I AM DETERMINED TO DO BETTER NEXT WEEK:)

WE HAVE CANNED 15 QUART JARS OF APPLESAUCE, AND HAVE 3 GALLON SIZE FREEZER BAGS FULL OF DEHYDRATED APPLES FROM OUR NEIGHBORS APPLE TREE... WHAT A BLESSING... AND A WHOLE LOT OF HARD WORK:)

WE HAD A LOT OF RAIN TONIGHT AND IT WAS FINALLY A LITTLE COOLER TONIGHT. GREG AND I WENT FOR A WALK AND THE CLOUDS WERE BREATHTAKING... I COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK OF MY BOY ENJOYING HEAVEN IN ALL IT'S GLORY WHEREVER THAT MAY BE.

WE WILL BE FINALLY FINISHING UP OUR LOVE AND RESPECT BOOK WITH OUR SMALL GROUP TOMORROW NIGHT. IT HAS ONLY TAKEN A YEAR... BUT BOY HAVE WE HAD FUN AND HAD SOME LIVELY DISCUSSIONS. GREG IS NOW STARTING IT ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT CHURCH... LAST NIGHT WE HAD A GREAT TURNOUT... 38 PEOPLE CAME... WE PRAY THAT THEY CONTINUE TO COME. GREG AND I ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING THROUGH THE BOOK AGAIN...

SO THANKFUL TONIGHT FOR A GOOD ULTRASOUND, WONDERFUL, REFRESHING RAIN, AND THE GRACE OF GOD THAT HAS GOTTEN US THROUGH ANOTHER DAY:)