With any anniversary comes strong memories... especially when it comes to spending the one and only day with the little one that you carried for close to 10 months...
I seem to do a lot of thinking while I run... This week that thinking has been on my boy... my sweet Samuel...
So with the running and the memories inevitably come the tears... boy that can get ugly... at least for any passersby... it kind of makes me laugh just to think of how it all must look...
Of course there are the precious memories of that day... taking in every single little bit of him that I could absorb in my mind... How I wish I could have multiplied that time with him by 1,000... It was painful and so beautiful all at the same time...
Yesterday Anna hit the nail on the head when in her writing journal she wrote, "I kept trying to take him away from my mom because I wanted to keep holding him." She did! Boy was it hard to balance letting everyone have a chance with their brother and me just wanting him the whole time in my arms...
My biggest regret... not have the wear with all in my mind to stay at the hospital till my mom got there to see and hold him... Why I thought it was a good idea to say our goodbyes and hand him over and then drive to the airport to pick her up is still beyond me... Why someone didn't say, "She will want to see him." Heck, why we didn't turn around and go back to the hospital for her to see him... His body was there in the refrigerator just waiting for the funeral home... I honestly, can't beat myself up over it... You do the best you can in the shock of what you are experiencing, but it still makes me sad and angry...
Of course a million things run through my mind as I was running this week...
The incredible pain of the loneliness I felt that first year... on top of my grief...
The struggle to get through the days with my living kiddos...
The many times insensitive things were said, or done (for example the sweet grandma who just couldn't contain herself my first night back at church less than 2 weeks later and had to gush and show me all the pictures of her new grand baby... knife to the heart!) Truly, she is more than forgiven... :)
(My sweet Anna, so tenderhearted...)
(One of my all time favorite pictures... no fear of death... no uncomfortableness... only true, deep love for her little brother... and she wanted to show it!)
I was going to write out some of those hard hard things that daily made my life hard, really made Sundays the hardest day of the week for me...
Instead I wanted to share with you the beautiful precious things and people who made such a difference in the early days of my sorrow and loss... Their actions, stepping out of their comfort zones to do what must have been hard is so remembered by me... I know I will forget many and my intention isn't to make anyone ever feel bad... These are just the things that have popped into my head today as I remember my son...
(Inspecting every detail of my little guy)
There are those...
There were those nurses who prayed over me during labor when I couldn't go on... Thank you Lord for the bible belt... they were the two sweetest nurses ever...
There are those friends who put their boots on with their umbrella in hand, to stand with me in the falling rain of the early storms of sorrow... (you know who you are!)
There is the friend who barely knew me who asked, "Do you want to talk about him or would you rather not?" You gave me the chance to share him with others... I SOOOOO needed to do that... I wanted his precious life shared...
There are those family members who drove hours arriving late into the night to share their love and gifts of music at His memorial service... Then driving through the night home... your sacrifice was precious to me... His service was exactly as I would have wanted it!
There are those total strangers to me who at my brothers church laid hands on me and prayed for the healing of my heart... That hadn't happened at our church and oh how I had needed that from day one and they supplied a need abundantly... Thank you Jesus!
There is the family member who said to me, "Take as long as you need!" and he meant it... healing nonjudgmental words from his heart... Never to be forgotten!"
There is the friend, who after noticing the kids and I weren't at our home church for two months, just took it upon herself to drive over, sit at the computer and pour over pictures of Samuel with me... I will NEVER forget it... she cared, she went out of her way to be Jesus in the flesh to me... I don't know when I might have returned without her...
There is the friend who consistently prayed for the rain of God's healing to flood my soul and stood with me in God's perfect plan for our family... Boy this friend got the "crazy" calls from me... and again and again reassured me that "I would be ok... she would feel the same way... and what I was feeling and thinking was normal"... What would I have done with out you sweet Nebraska friend???
There were the packages sent by dear family of my favorite fruit, pomegranates, and my favorite cookies just to make sure I felt loved and I did...
There was the sweet older lady who become our Oklahoma grandma to our kids... she too had lost a daughter... the conversations are precious to my heart that we shared...
There were those new "baby loss mamas" that became dear friends who lent so much support as we walked this new road together...
There were prayers offered hand in hand by sweet out of town friends when they would visit... Just what my heart needed at that time...
There was the calls from a few friends, truly that I didn't know super well from out of town, that made a point to call me... I didn't have the energy or strength to make many phone calls myself, but I so needed someone to talk to on the days she called... God knew...
There was the sweet elderly couple who called to bring dessert, we invited to dinner, and stayed asking to see what he looked like...They stayed for hours... My heart was so touched... a special bond was shared...
There were those that drove to us to spend special weekends and holidays with us knowing we were alone and needed company that loved and knew us...
There was the friend, I hadn't talked to in years that upon hearing the news called me right away to let me know how much she cared and how sad she was...
There were those at MEND who lovingly remembered honored and valued our sons life with us... And gave me hope that I would heal in time...
There were those who even meeting the first time shed tears over our story of loss... I knew I had just found a dear friend right in that moment... Thank you Jesus!
There were those that celebrated his first birthday in Heaven with us... lovingly knowing we may cancel at any minute, but were game to share memories, tears and love...
There was the friends that God sent to care for our kids while we delivered Samuel. The wife was the one and only person we knew to see my Samuel and shares such a special piece of my heart knowing that at least someone else we know and loved held that precious boy in their arms... God knew and ordained mighty plans to place us in the same city...
(Brothers then... today... forever!)
Truly, being in a new place made my grief so hard and lonely but I know God had big plans he laid in my heart to even in that loneliness weave a compassion in my heart for people to not have to grieve alone...
To focus on all the beautiful things people did for us... those friends near by and mostly those who made a point to do it from afar brings my heart great joy today...
It is a beautiful thing to see the body of Christ be the body... especially when it takes great effort from a distance...
They had to make even more of an effort and it didn't go unnoticed... Their love for Jesus and our family stretched across the miles to my broken heart and showed me our family was worth the effort to love, support and care for in our hardest days...
Beautiful ruby red lips of our Samuel Mark... Forever loved... Forever missed...
