BLOGGERS BLOCK

For the last few days I have wanted to post but have struggled with what to post about or where to start. Sometimes I wish people could get a glimpse into my mind. Someone last night described the mind of of woman as spaghetti... all over the place. I immediately thought, and that is how the grief is, all over the place, all tangled up with everything in my mind.

As much as I know many would hope that I was"over my grief" enough to stop posting about it, the truth is... that is how it is... as much as there is great joy in my days, the grief is still there intermingled with everything. I still miss Samuel so so much. As much as I had hoped that grief was a steady climb to feeling better eventually... it isn't. There is a line in one of Steven Curtis Chapman's songs off of His new album where he is talking about his wife. He specifically says, "I know the wound's so deep inside your heart, it's there for good." That is how I feel... this wound is there for good. As much as the wound is healing... there is still a scab there and at times that scab gets ripped off and is bleeding or oozing... then it heals a little more... then it bleeds again. Eventually there will be a scar there but the wound will still be there.... ALWAYS!

Sometimes I wonder if the other things that have occurred (losing Joel the baby we were going to adopt, the miscarriage, the crazy situation with the adoption of sweet baby girl) since losing Samuel have accentuated the loss at all... but I really doubt it. It maybe had added some other stressful situations to the mix, but loss is loss.

Last night at MEND, there were two new girls there, both having losses within the last 8 weeks. One at 32 weeks and one at 38 1/2 weeks. It was so hard to watch them... my heart just breaks for them... knowing exactly the shock they are experiencing and even more so the journey that will be ahead...Right now they are feeling so surrounded in love and support... I know the journey ahead there in people's reactions too.... so hard!

Just a couple of weeks ago Greg and I went to a big social sort of outing at church. It was a bowling fundraiser for a ministry at church. During the event I just leaned over and whispered in my honeys ear, "Why do I have such a HARD time being myself?" There are those safe places or safe people... people who you know completely love you for you... or that you clearly get the sense that they are ok with your loss, talking about it, seeing you cry... or they may even cry with you. I am so thankful for those safe places in my life... so incredibly thankful... But not all places feel safe, does that make sense?

It is really hard to hardly recognize yourself at moments. I used to thrive on those big party like atmospheres... now not so much. After the event Greg brought up the fact that it was really the first time since Samuel died that I was at an event like that and he thought I did really well. I managed, but I knew how my heart was feeling.

I am curious if any of you struggled with being the "the new you" after a loss. How do you get used to yourself? (I know that sounds silly:) How did you learn to grow to be comfortable with the "new you"? It is one thing to trudge through your sorrow over the loss of your child, but it something different to trudge through the loss of your old carefree life that you had, now things are different. I long for those deep, safe friendships, and I know that I am blessed to have those. (I know that being my friend isn't what it used to be either:)

I just had the random thought that I am sure my extended family wishes for the "old me" too. How do you get others to understand, love and appreciate the "new you"? How do you help them understand that because of your loss you can't go back, you are forever changed by what you went through. I can hear the words of certain people... "That I am doing it to myself, just pick myself up by the bootstraps, and just be who I was. That it is all with in my control... That it is my choice... That I can be me, the old me. Just do it." How do you help them understand that it just doesn't work that way?

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that the Lord WILL bring beauty from these ashes. I KNOW that the Lord will bring healing, He continues to and I praise Him for the progress He has brought in my heart. I KNOW He is sovereign. I trust Him. I KNOW that I will have joy in my life and I do now... but I also know that I am different. Being the "new me" is still uncomfortable, does that make sense?

Obviously I came up with something to blog about huh?:)

I will try to give an update on Sweet baby girl sometime soon.


Any suggestions from any other fellow loss mamas or anyone who has experienced loss in general would be appreciated... thanks for your prayers too.

A FEW RANDOM THINGS... AND CPO

A few days ago, Greg was out of town and I stayed up late to watch a movie, Julia and Julia. I don't think I started it till 10:30. Louis kept coming out every once in a while saying he was having a hard time falling asleep. This morning he admitted why he didn't fall asleep more easily. (I know this is going to sound really random, but here goes,) I had been eating an egg roll. He said he didn't want to fall asleep because he wanted to make sure I didn't choke on the egg roll. For some reason, it struck me as so funny. What a sweet kid though.



Then Jojo and I had the following conversation later that afternoon... He is such a funny kid...




Jojo says, "Momma , I wish you were my mother."


I say, "Jojo, I am your mother."

Then Jojo says, "Oh... then I wish you were my birth mother."


I almost died laughing... can you tell there has been adoption talk at our house??:) So we did a little talking about what makes you a birth mother... I just happen to be both, his mommy and birth mother:) It was so cute.



Then just tonight after our dinner devotions, he said out loud in a very loud, and somewhat worried voice, "How come my skin is all furry over here." He was pointing to his sunburn that was starting to peel.

He just cracks me up with the funny things he comes out with. I am so thankful for his silliness and the joy that it brings me.

My in-laws are in town and they blessed us by watching the kids so Greg and I could go to the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach fundraising banquet last night. We took two other ladies from church. This was the organization that we had Faith through last year. In fact, I remember calling Faith's mom for the first time on the way home from the banquet last year. Faith came o stay with us the next afternoon.

When I look back I am just in awe over all that has occurred and truly am so so thankful that she was with us. Even though there is still hurt associated with the death of her baby Joel, that we were going to adopt... we were so blessed by getting to know her family. And I would like to think that she was blessed by being with us for those few months. We enjoyed taking her to Nebraska and St. Louis with us... they are good memories. I miss her. We need to call her and have them over real soon.

That being said, I am amazed by the ministry of CPO, they said last night that they started with a budget of $200 wanting to reach out to girls in Crisis pregnancies. It is just awesome to think that 27 years later God has used these ordinary people, all volunteers I might add, to do extraordinary things, to save babies lives, to show Jesus to girls in Crisis, and to build families. It just gets me pumped to see the body of Christ at work, really being the body. It makes me just burn inside for my family to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. For my kids to really see their lives as a way to serve others and be Jesus' hands and feet to those in need.

We will enjoy my in laws for the next couple of days and then they will be back off to Texas... boo hoo!!

A POEM BY LOUIS

MY BABY BROTHER,

A PRECIOUS GIFT.

A LOSS SO BIG,

HIS NAME IS SAMUEL.

HIS SOFT HAIR,

HIS SILKY SKIN,

HIS RED LUSCIOUS LIPS,

HE'S BEAUTIFUL.

WHEN HOLDING HIM,

I CRIED A LOT.

EMOTION

SADNESS

AND WITH SUCH GRIEF

MY LOVELY BROTHER,

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE,

AGAIN SOMEDAY,

FOR ETERNITY.

I LOVE YOU SAMUEL!

LOVE, YOUR BIG BROTHER LOUIS.

WHAT HAS BEEN KEEPING US BUSY

SWEET JOJO ENJOYING THE SPRING WEATHER:)
CALEB SAILING ONE BY THE THE GOALIE... FOR SOME REASON HE SEEMS TO ALWAYS END UP ON THE GROUND:)

ENJOYING COUNTRY LIVING... YOU CAN DO THINGS LIKE THIS IN THE COUNTRY... JUST A LITTLE NEIGHBORHOOD BURN PILE.

BIT BY BIT, WE ARE GETTING THERE WITH THE PLAY SET... WE WERE SO THANKFUL TO HAVE HAD KURT FROM OUR CHURCH COME AND SPEND A TON OF TIME, HELPING GREG CUT NEW BOARDS AND GET THE TOUGH PART DONE... NOW IT IS JUST ADDING THE REST OF THE PIECES. I KNOW THE NEIGHBORS WILL BE HAPPY TO SEE IT ALL UP AND IN ONE PIECE INSTEAD OF IN PIECES ALL OVER THE YARD.

IT WAS SO FUNNY, THE DAY GREG DISASSEMBLED THE PLAYSET TO BRING IT HOME... THE FIRST WORDS AFTER HE ARRIVED WERE, "I HOPE MY KIDS KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM:)"

FRIDAY WHEN I CAME HOME FROM MY BIBLE STUDY AND HE HAD BEEN WORKING ON ASSEMBLING IT, THE FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH WERE, "WHEN I DIE, NO MATTER HOW OLD I AM, I WANT A PICTURE OF THIS IN THE PHOTO COLLAGE AT MY FUNERAL:)" I THOUGHT THAT WAS KIND OF CUTE... HE HAS BEEN WORKING SO HARD AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. HE HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY BUSY, BUT HAS MADE IT A PRIORITY TO GET IT PUT TOGETHER. EVEN THOUGH IT ISN'T FINISHED THE KIDS ARE ALREADY LOVING PLAYING ON WHAT HAS BEEN PUT TOGETHER... AND THERE IS ALREADY TALK OF SLEEPING OUT THERE... WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT, IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT WILL BE SOME PAPA AND SON MEMORY MAKING.

I HAVE A LOT OF IDEAS FOR THINGS I WANT TO POST ABOUT THAT ARE SWIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD... THOSE WILL HAVE TO WAIT AS IT IS LATE ALREADY...

I WOULD APPRECIATE PRAYERS AS THE TAIL END OF THIS WEEK AND THE BEGINNING OF NEXT WEEK WILL DETERMINE SOME ISSUES WITH SWEET BABY GIRL... IT MAY STILL BE A LONG TIME TILL ANYTHING IS FINALLY DECIDED UPON, BUT THIS IS THE NEXT STEP IN THE JOURNEY... PLEASE PRAY THAT THE TRUTH WILL BE REVEALED AND GOD'S WILL FOR HER LIFE IS DONE... THANK YOU FRIENDS... I WILL TRY TO UPDATE ON THAT AS SOON AS I AM ABLE.


BLESSINGS<><

LOCKS OF LOVE... MAKING MEMORIES

THE BEFORE SHOT
WE TREATED OURSELVES TO A LITTLE TREAT BEFORE THE "FREE" HAIRCUTS:)

YIKES... THERE IT GOES... (Oh my, when I saw this picture, I thought... wooh... I look like my mother... that was a little wild:)

COULD SHE LOOK ANY MORE PRECIOUS?... I KNOW I AM A LITTLE BIAS:)

AFTER... WITH A HANDFUL OF HAIR IN MY HAND.

Anna has been asking to have her hair cut for probably the last year. Honestly, with having older brothers, I just love having the opportunity to put her long hair in braids, pony tails etc... it is so special after having boys. So I have held her off for a long time. But, all for the sake of making a special memory together we went today to BOTH get our hair cut for locks of love. Truly, I have never been one to spend time doing my hair so to have it long and just be able to wash and go has been the best for me. I have had my hair short before, but it has been a long time. I think this will still be easy to take care of, so I am thankful for that.

My friend Nikki came along to take pictures and Anna was beside herself with joy through the whole thing. She kept saying I want it shorter and afterwards was a little over the top excited... I would have sworn she had eaten a whole pack of Easter peeps... but she was just happy. It was pretty funny.

I love spending time with my little girl... ( Although the haircut has made her look older... I don't really like that too much) I love making memories with my little girl... This was a good day:)

HE IS ALIVE!

Easter Sunday after the egg hunt:)


The kids after they hunted down their Easter baskets in the yard... the sun was setting... it was a LONG but beautiful day:)

Oh Easter, what a wild mix of emotions for me. Can I first of all say I am completely exhausted... I am not sure what did it...maybe it was getting the kids ready for all the services we had this past week... or maybe it was actually trying to keep sweet little girl somewhat quiet in church each day for the last 4 days. She is so super busy right now, you have to be on your toes constantly keeping her distracted... don't get me wrong... I love it... totally love it. I would have it no other way:)

We were blessed to be invited over to the house of a friend for Easter. It was a real treat to not have to cook up the whole meal, but rather just bring some stuff to share. The kids had an absolute blast and it was really nice to visit and relax a bit. We got some amazing pictures of the whole family that I am just dying to post... but I still better not. UGH!! SIGH!!! Sweet girl is getting more precious by the day as her hair is growing and getting curlier and curlier... I just love it!

I had a moment tonight in the bathroom after brushing her teeth and looking at her in the mirror in my arms... oh my, what if after all of this we don't get to keep her? We are all so in love with her. She just fits in perfectly. I have to be honest, we have loved her and treated her fully as ours from the day we got her. But in the back of your mind there was always this thought... she may not stay. Now the longer she stays, the more it feels like she has always been here, that she fully belongs here, that she is completely just one of us.... and it feels so good and right. Then you remind yourself of the reality that it really doesn't matter how perfect it feels, it is totally out of our control and hands. I know God is in control, yet I have seen fully that even if He is in control... it may hurt like crazy. It can be a hard balance... and tonight is one of those nights that I am just scared that my heart will be broken again.

Surrender... surrender... I have to continually remind myself to surrender!

Some Easter thoughts...

I was so struck yesterday with the picture of Heaven. All day long I was just envisioning my Samuel and a few of his special friends up in heaven celebrating the risen king. But can you imagine celebrating the risen king WITH THE RISEN KING HIMSELF. What a wild and crazy thought. Oh how I long to be in on that celebration with them all.

I think last year I was still in the fog... This year I felt Samuel missing even more profoundly than I think I did last year. Seeing sweet little girl gives me a clear glimpse of what Samuel would be doing.

I know this will sound so trivial and simple minded... but this year I was so struck by Christ's work on the cross. Obviously I have always known that His death and resurrection is what has made a way for me to be forgiven and spend eternity with him. And ultimately that is my hearts desire... but right now the ache in my heart is to also see my son again. How I long for the day when I can scoop him up in my arms and be with him again. And Christ's death and resurrection has also made a way for that... for me to spend eternity with my Samuel. I am so thankful that God has made a way for me... for me to spend eternity with Him and with my son.

I remember someone telling me that I better be careful to not just long for Heaven because I am longing to be with Samuel again and not my Savior. But that isn't it at all. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song entitled Heaven is the Face that captures my feelings so acutely ... I know that Heaven will be so much more than I can envision or even conjure up in my mind. But God also knows what my heart is aching for here on earth... my son. So since I can't really see into Heaven... but do know my son is there... I can't help but to think of going there to see him also.

Ultimately, I long for eternity and the assurance it gives. No more pain, no more tears, no more suffering. The trials, sin, darkness, ugliness of this world, a distant memory... Oh to just rest in Him, to be present with all the saints and to be in the presence of our Risen King... our King who is alive. Truly, I just can't wait for it... can't wait for eternity...

Here is a video done by K-LOVE (I have no idea why that guys face is cut off in the intro??) of Steven singing Heaven is the Face... (By the way, His new CD Beauty will Rise is amazing. It was written since the loss of his daughter Maria... so touching, the whole CD) don't forget to pause the music on the side of the blog so you can hear him singing... enjoy it...

Ahhhhh...SPRING:)

The disassembled swingset in the back yard... It doesn't look like much, but there really are a lot of pieces there:), and up along side of the house.

We have had a beautiful week here in Oklahoma. It was 85 degrees yesterday.

The menfolk in the house, and that includes the littler menfolk, have been busy at work with a swingset deal we found on Craigs List. WOW! It will be amazing when it is done... but it will be a lot of work. When Greg got home after taking it apart and pulling it with the trailer, he looked at me with a smirk on his face and said, "I hope our children know how much we love them." I think he was just a little tired...:) I will try to post a picture after we get it up.

Have I told you I really like Craig's List? Just a couple of weeks ago, we also traded for a guitar for Louis to use for his lessons.

Today the boys spent almost the whole day restaining the outside of it... they were troopers and worked really hard for a really long time. I think we are expecting rain tomorrow so we wanted to get a coat on and maybe we will do the inside once it is up. I am really looking forward to having it for the kids to play on. Really it is probably more of a gift to me than the kids...haha! Being home all the time homeschooling, we really wanted to have some fun outdoor stuff for the kids, especially the littler ones. I know this will bring loads of enjoyment to our kids... it is a HUGE blessing.

Not much else is new... looking forward to Good Friday sevice at church tomorow night.