SUMMER FUN...AND RANDOM THOUGHTS

BROTHERS...
I HAD TO POST THIS PICTURE FOR RYANE...
WHEN I CAME OUT WITH THESE SUNGLASSES ON,
THE WHOLE FAMILY SAID, "THOSE ARE JAZZY GLASSES:)"




JOJO WAS THRILLED THAT HE COULD FLOAT ON HIS BACK.
CAN YOU SEE HIM SMILING?...


WHEN WILL THIS SWEET GIRL GET SOME FRONT TEETH?... PRECIOUS

For the first time Greg and I watched the video he took of Samuel at the hospital. We maybe have 1 minute of video. I had to watch it over and over and over again. I so regret not taking more video, why didn't we? In the video it was just maybe 10 minutes after he was born. I look totally calm and normal, wierd, can you say shock?

To see him being stroked on the head, face, chest and hand by my midwife and Greg and to see no response from Samuel.... oh it makes my heart hurt. Greg commented that he just couldn't get over how quiet it was. Greg says he just has that same vivid picture in His mind of Samuel. I don't, I really can't remember in my mind what he really looked like, kind of, but not completely. Oh that makes me sad, as much as I was trying to sear that memory into my mind... I think my mind was just out the window that day. Our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer did an excellent job editing the pictures to make his skin not as noticably dark. But I love my color pictures too, because to me they look more like him. Does that make sense? The color pictures really look like him.

So here are my random thought for the week:

Sunday I almost choked on my communion wine because I was crying so hard. Yep, I am an ugly crier:)

I got so much less done than I was hoping to while the kids were at VBS this morning. I did get a run in though:)

Most of the baby bunnies are gone except for one the neighbor mom is going to get for her daughter. Caleb called and left a message for the mom yesterday, "Miss Tommy, Savannah's package is ready for you to come pick up anytime." Her package??? He is so funny:)

The other day JOJO wanted some powder on his rear, (I know this is probably too much information but this is how he asked, "Mom, I want some fertilizer on my crack." Really, I am serious, fertilizer??? and crack??? This kid cracks us all up.

One step at a time, one day at a time, laughter, tears, and all.

BUSY WEEK...

CALEB AND HIS FOUR LEAF CLOVER

CAN YOU SAY...I NEED A HAIRCUT:)

PAINTING AT THE TIEWS



A TIRED, BUT MOSTLY HAPPY BUNCH

So tonight I find myself feeling a little strange... feeling in a way I wasn't really expecting. The sweet pregnant girl who is staying with us is not here with us this week. I had told her mom that she would be alone A LOT with Vacation Bible School at church every morning this week and then our Waiting Parent's Workshop Thurs. - Sat. pretty much all day every day. She is staying at the Transitional Home that our agency owns. The more I learn about the agency we are working with the more I am amazed at it. It is purely all volunteer, every single bit of it. That helps to keep adoption costs down, but wow, what they do for the girls who are in crisis is inspiring. The transitional house is a great house with a delightful house mom.... really, she was so sweet. She takes great care of the girls and her love for them is so evident. Girls that are pregnant or just had babies stay there till they are ready to go back home or to a new home. I am praying that she has a great week there...

But the strange thing is... I find myself missing her. When she left, Louis kept saying, "Why does she have to go?" I kind of laughed at the time... but then I started to think... Good grief what is going to happen come Sept. after she has the baby? She does have a life that she is planning on and is excited to get back to. I know we will see her after she has the baby, but it will be really different not to have her here like she has been. I know we will enjoy this time with just "our Hintz Family". It is really nice to just be completely free... well not completely, but you know what I mean... be completely at home in your own home:) So we will enjoy it, until we lovingly welcome her back this next weekend. So many adjustments for all of us.

So she will come back on Saturday and then we will all head to St. Louis on Sunday. I can not tell you how excited I am to go, we all are. She has never been there so it will be fun to show her our old stompin' grounds.

Blessings!

I THINK I HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN USED TO IT

I think I have finally gotten used to the fact that Samuel isn't with us.

I don't like that, and it doesn't feel good.

Sometimes just that fact alone can freak me out a bit. I have gotten used to the fact my son has died... did it really take me almost 8 months to get used to that idea?

I should be changing dirty diapers,
comforting him as he nurses,
seeing him scoot and crawl around,
watching him giggle at his precious brothers and sister,
admiring him as he sits in his daddy's lap during dinner,
(that is one thing my sweet hubby has always done, hold the babies during dinner... so I get a chance to eat, how I miss seeing our precious baby in his arms:),
There are so many things I should be doing with my son. (I know I sound like a broken record... but I guess I keep feeling and thinking a lot of the same things I have been for the last 7+ months.)


What I mean by the fact that I am finally getting used to it is that I am finally used to the fact that my life has completely changed. He really isn't here like we thought he would be. I am not spending my time caring for my baby like I thought I would be. And my mind is always kind of thinking about him... sometimes so fresh and raw on the front burner in my mind, sometimes just below the surface, and sometimes thoughts of Samuel are just subconsciously there. So much has changed, life is SOOO different than I ever anticipated my life to be.

I am finally getting used to him just not being here, a daily physical presence with us.

I am finally waking up and not feeling like I should have a baby to care for, I wish I did, but the fact that I don't is starting to feel a bit more normal. Those first few months when you have all of the physical reminders of your recovery that make it PAINFULLY obvious that your baby is gone and things are not as they should be. I thank God that now there are less of those physically painful reminders. I would say that some days, my heart still aches like I never thought it could. And my arms do still physically ache to hold my son. But mostly now it is more just the mental reminders.

For months after Samuel's death, because we had loved, planned and anticipated him for 9 months, I just felt like I was forgetting something, someone. When we would head to the grocery store I would count heads, where was the baby? I felt like I had forgotten him at home. I had planned, thought out trips to the grocery store, trips to soccer games, sitting in church with 5 little ones alone. It all seemed so not what I was anticipating and had planned for.

Now going to church with just the 4 kids is starting to feel normal.

Now, heading off to go shopping with just the 4 is starting to feel normal.

Now just counting heads for 4 is starting to feel normal...

It doesn't feel good, but it is starting to feel normal.

I still ALWAYS feel like someone is missing, I think I always will.

But even that feeling of someone missing is starting to feel normal. How can my life be one, where knowing my son is with his creator before I made it there, is normal...

So we settle into the "NEW NORMAL"
We are trudging ahead one step closer each day to eternity.

We enjoy the simple pleasures of life... family walks at night, constant checks of the garden to see is anything new is popping up... reading books together....

Our "NEW NORMAL" is a life missing our precious Samuel EVERY single day,
it probably doesn't seem normal to most others...

But it is "OUR NEW NORMAL"

Some days I am OK with the NEW NORMAL.

Other days I just hate it... I know my mom wouldn't like that I said that word...hate... I really do reserve it for things that I truly hate, I don't take using that word lightly.... But really, some days I don't just dislike the fact that Samuel isn't here... I hate it.

So I guess I end this post thinking... I sound more confused than ever... We thank you for your prayers. They are so appreciated... and as you can tell, still so very needed. I miss him so badly today!

SEWARD... SUCH SMALL TOWN CHARM

A PRECIOUS GIFT FROM MY FRIEND HEATHER

JOJO... ASLEEP ON THE WAY HOME FROM NEBRASKA
WHAT A GOOF BALL

Nebraska is beautiful. I don't know if I have ever seen Nebraska except for maybe driving through it as a kid. I thought it would be all corn fields and flat land. But it was so pretty, green, rolling hills and so many trees. And the little town of Seward was just so charming. Lots of older homes with amazing porches. It even has the cutest little old town movie theatre. We loved it. Greg will finish up his class tomorrow and will head home shortly after... Jojo said today, "I want my papa at home:)"

It was really nice to get away for a bit, even if it was a really short trip. We were so blessed to be able to get together with our dear Seminary friends brother and sister-in-law, Seth and Megan. They were so very sweet to have us all over for dinner. It was great getting to know them. They were so gracious in asking about Samuel and wanting to get to know more about him and our time with him. I can't tell you how much that touches me, someone who is just getting to know me, but still wants to hear about our son who is gone. They were sweet sweet people and we are so thankful for the prayers that they have prayed for us over the last months. I just love how the body of Christ can do that for one another, you don't REALLY have to have known each other forever, to be the hands and feet of Christ in the flesh for someone who is hurting.

So when I came home in my mailbox was the photo book that was pictured above. I LOVE IT! My sweet friend Heather from up north had it made for us. She too lost a son, her first child many years ago, sweet baby Noah. The book was so neat. It had pictures of our WHOLE family in it. Samuel is splashed through out the whole book. Just like he is a PART of the family. I know he is... but I know many others, because they don't see him, and we lost him so early in his life, they certainly don't think of him as the BIG PART that he is. I think most people have moved on, and think that we have too. Nothing could be further from the truth. I still miss my son just as much as I did last October 30th when we left the hospital without him. So to see all of the kids with Samuel and all of the pictures of him with pictures of the other kids, all such important parts of who we are as a family just touched my heart.

What a sweet and precious gift. I just sat at the table crying... that someone would be so kind as to do that for me, acknowledge my sons important part in our family was so wonderful. She was the same person who sent me a letter a couple of months ago telling me all of the ways that Samuel has touched and changed her life. Wow, that is ALL I want is for people to not forget my son, not think that we have forgotten him or moved on, to value his short precious life, and for his life to have had meaning. We know it has great meaning to us, but when someone else shares that, I can not tell you how wonderful that makes me feel.

My friend Becky too just mentioned when I was talking to her on the phone, how our whole situation with Samuel has made her look at things so differently. She said her eyes have been opened to others who maybe need someone to reach out to them. Wow, sweet words of how my sons life HAS made an impact on others outside these walls of our home. I was so thankful that those 2 women took the time to share that with me.

So we are off to another Christian concert by the river walk, John Waller who sings the song, "While I'm Waiting" from the movie fireproof. We have Vacation Bible School and the waiting parent's workshop for the adoption agency we are working with next Thursday through Saturday. Then Sunday, the kids and I will be off to St. Louis for 4 days. We will hit the home school conference there and stay at the Seminary. We are so looking forward to seeing our friends there... many of them have left already but a few special friends are still there. It will be a busy next couple of weeks. I am actually REALLY thankful for the busyness of it all.

I can't believe that it is the middle of June already. I have never been one to wish the time away. But I do find myself just wanting to get through this first year without Samuel. I am ready for the firsts to be over... I know that really won't make much difference but for some reason in my mind it is a comfort to know we will have made it through, survived, the first year with out our son. And we are one year closer to spending eternity with him and our Savior. So thank you for your continued prayers for us. We are clinging to the HOPE that we have in Christ each and every day... and I do mean clinging:)

GRIEF AND MOURNING

I received the following in an email from a friend at church who worked in Hospice. It was an eye opener for me. I know how I am feeling but I can't always describe it... This described it for me. I grieve for my son everyday. My sister laughed the other week when we talked. I had told her that I still haven't made it through a day without shedding tears over our loss of Samuel. She asked what makes me cry. I went on to tell her, it might be a song, looking at his pictures, something someone says to me, or something nice that someone has done for me, or just my empty arms aching. We both agreed it might be MANY more months until the tears stop falling on a daily basis. So I grieve deeply for my son, but I am also mourning... I never really understood the difference until I read the following:

“Let’s remind ourselves of the importance between the terms grief and mourning. Grief is the internal thoughts and the feelings of loss and pain, whereas mourning is the outward, shared expression of that grief – or grief gone public. All bereaved families grieve when someone they love dies. But if they are to heal, they must have a safe, accepting atmosphere in which they can mourn.”

“To companion the bereaved means to be an active participant in their healing. When you as a caregiver companion the bereaved, you allow yourself to learn from their unique experiences. You let the bereaved teach you instead of the other way around. You make the commitment to walk with them as they journey through grief.”
Alan Wolfelt




The above quotes recognize that we need each other when journeying through life’s losses and this includes our need for God as well. This past Memorial Day marks a day of remembrance for those living and for those who have died. It is through the life experience of bereavement that we realize how important remembering is to the healing of those who are grieving. It is in the remembering that we attend to our grief. The phrase “time heals all wounds [our grief]” is a myth. Like any wound, it takes time to heal, but the healing usually does not happen without careful attention. The careful attention of a physical wound might include cleaning, debriding, stitches, and the application of medicines. In the same manner, the careful attention of someone with an emotional/spiritual wound like grief would include:
*Remembering the one who has died in his/her fullness (things he/she did well and not so well)
* Honoring and accepting the pain (tears) of the loss of the individual
* Remembering that the healing process leads us through the grief, not away or around it
* Learning to adapt to the major changes in life (there is no getting back to normal — whatever normal was)
* Walking through the grief with others at times and sometimes walking alone (yet always knowing that God and other trusted loved ones continue to be a resource)
* Realizing that the grief work does not get easier ­— we adjust, though, and get stronger in dealing with life.

Thanks for letting me share that with you. I am praying it helps you in your interactions with those around you who are grieving and mourning.

Peace and Love in Jesus<><

BLOCK PARTY AND BUGGING OUT

We will be bugging out of here tomorrow after church and heading to the big state of Nebraska. Greg will be taking his class and the kids and I will be finding fun things to do around Seward and Lincoln. We were even invited to have dinner with my sweet friend Becky's brother and sister-in-law. We are really looking forward to that. How kind of them to invite us strangers:)


So we hosted the neighborhood block party tonight. One of our routines is to take a family walk each night. So when we first moved in if anyone was outside we would introduce ourselves and visit with them a bit. I was amazed that it seemed like many didn't know each other even though they lived next to each other. Greg and I have been saying that we needed to do this since shortly after we moved in. Then when everything happened with Samuel dying, entertaining was not high on the priority list... Heck, I could barely get dinner on my own table. I didn't actually for a good month... others did.


It was beautiful night, besides the crazy Oklahoma wind. We only have 16 homes in the neighborhood so it isn't real big. And we had a great turnout. The kids had a blast playing together and all of the adults REALLY visited with one another. Everyone was mingling and getting to know each other. It was great. Everyone even wanted to do it again... so that was good... mission accomplished. I learned a lot more about many of them so that was really nice. With having little ones, getting to know my neighbors has always been a priority for me. We love our neighborhood, it is perfect for us. It is far enough out of the city to feel like country. There are enough kids for the kids to have others to play with. Our yard is big enough to keep this homeschooling family busy and have lots of space to run around. It is also pretty quiet and we are thankful to have really nice neighbors.


Well, I better go run, I need to prepare to teach the big boys Sunday School class. I told the boys I wouldn't have treats every week like Miss Shelley did, I think they are already disappointed that they have a new teacher:) Actually, they seem excited that I will be doing it. It should be fun.

Not much else is new... I kind of feel like I don't have too much to say... lots of the same, missing my sweet Samuel like crazy and forging ahead day by day... step by step appreciating the blessing of each new day. Thanks for joining us on this journey.

Praying you have a blessed Sunday.
Sara

PRECIOUS BOY:)

I know that I post a lot of pictures of the little ones sleeping. I just can't help myself... they look so peaceful. It gives my soul rest to just sit and watch the kids sleep. I always go in to check on each child before I go to bed. Usually I am so tired that I think I will just buzz in and out of their rooms quickly, but when I see them in all their preciousness sleeping I can't help but just sit and watch a bit... even the big boys. I think it is the fun fact that they are NEVER that still during the day. Anna and Jojo sleep together in the same bed... the bottom of the bunk bed and the top stays open every night. They just love to be together and that warms my heart. Sometimes I even crawl in there with the two of them for a bit.

Anyways, not too much else is new. The big boys and the birth mom who is living with us went out to a farm today to work all day for some people at church. The boys were looking so forward to it. We will head to Nebraska next week for Greg to take a family life class there. I think the kids and I will just go for a couple of days. So seeing as how it is time to pack again... I should probably unpack from our trip to Texas THE WEEK BEFORE EASTER. YIKES... so unlike me to let something go like that.

I would love for you to pray for me... I really feel the Lord stretching me in BIG ways. Having another person in our home full time is part of it. I love having company but I have never really had another person other than family live with us for an extended time. She is a real delight for the most part. We really do enjoy having her here, but sometimes my own selfishness kicks in and I long for some good "alone" family time. And just today I was stretched when her morning sickness got the best of her on the Living room floor and I had to clean it up:) (I really did feel so bad for her) I would love for you to pray that we can continue to have things go smoothly with her here. Pray that we can love on her and serve her while she is here and that the Lord protects her and her baby. Pray that she is drawn closer to her Savior during this time. I would also ask that you pray for the Lord to sustain me over the next 3+ months until she is due. (It isn't easy to see an ever growing baby belly in my own home with the longings I have in my own heart) Thank you so much for your prayers...

That is one of the best parts of being a part of the body of Christ, that we can go to the Lord on behalf of our friends. When we went to the sem, we started our family prayer board. It has REALLY helped hold us accountable to pray for people when we say we will. I love it and I love that we get to see answered prayers. The kids love that and I also love that the kids get to focus on praying for others and not just ourselves. That prayer board has been one of the best things we have done as a family. That being said I would love to pray for any of you that need prayer. So just leave a comment or email me if there is something that you would like prayer for. My email is gshintz@yahoo.com if you don't feel like posting it for everyone to see:)

What a journey. Sometimes I feel like it is an ever present balancing of myself... grief and joy with my family, longing and contentment. I am so thankful that the Lord walks this road with us but it can still be exhausting at times.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31