COULD I LOVE THESE 4 ANY MORE??

THE KIDS ENJOYING OUR BEAUTIFUL WEATHER

This week we had the best MEND meeting. That is the infant loss support group that I go to once a month. The last 2 months there have been a lot of new women there... that was so sad. It is amazing even though I only see these ladies once a month the bond that is shared there is incredible. It is a safe place to talk about my sweet Samuel and to hear about their precious children that are no longer here on earth, but still forever on their hearts. We all had an opportunity to share why we were there and what we hope to get out of the meetings. So much of what everyone said I could completely relate to. I just wanted to yell out, "YES, YES, YES!" It is so nice to feel like I can relate to people and they can relate to me and understand my feelings and thoughts. I am so thankful for this group and how it has helped me in the last 7 months. Really, I think it is one of the only places where I feel fully accepted, that people are completely ok with where I am in my grief and that is because they are walking the same path as me, some, the exact same path... full term stillbirth, cord accident. I hate that they have had the same loss, but I am so thankful that we are not alone. I know I am never alone, God is always with me. But losing a child has been one of the most isolating, lonely experiences of my life.

The crazy part of it is, I have felt so alone at times, I think partially because... I hardly recognize myself. Where did the former childbirth instructor, doula, baby lover, passionate about pregnancy person go? The girl who used to get her hands on any baby possible at any time, now can't even think about holding another baby. Just today I was talking with a sweet friend who was saying that she wishes that I could do that in a safe place, hold a baby and just cry if I needed to. Just the thought had me in tears... I know I am in no way ready for that. I was so happy she called to talk, she felt bad for having me in tears... I was so thankful for her giving me the opportunity to talk about Samuel.

You hear so often that time heals all wounds. I have had a few friends recently who have also lost babies say that they don't feel that is the really the case. After time passes you really just become more accustomed to the grief being a part of your life. You don't really get rid of the pain, you just learn how to carry it and live with it. I find that so true. It may lessen in intensity but it will still be there. I will always wish things were different and wish that Samuel was here with us. There are days I feel, as crazy as this may sound, comfortable with the grief that is ever present. It is kind of like a roommate, just there. Then there are days that the same grief is so much more intense and almost suffocating. I am sorry if this sounds like the same story over and over again, like a broken record. I guess I have a lot of the same feelings each day:) One day at a time, with the Lord at my side, that is how I take it.

We also had our parent support group meeting for the adoption agency that we are working with. That is always such an eye opening experience. This agency does all open adoptions. I love going and hearing others stories, it has helped educate Greg and I so much as far as adoption goes and open adoptions. We are actually really excited about it. Open adoption can really be a ministry to the mothers who choose life for their babies and make an adoption plan for their baby. We have a "Waiting Parents Workshop" in June for a few days. I am really looking forward to it. I think we will learn so much more during that time.

Some things are happening in that area of our lives and we are really excited, but at the same time very cautious, hesitant, and have lots of reservations. I don't want to say anything yet, because we haven't told the kids anything at all. We need to get some counsel in that area. I will keep you posted as we keep trusting in God for all of the details in this whole adoption process.

So it will be a busy weekend. We need to get the rest of the plants in the garden... ABSOLUTELY! We need to clean out the garage. ABSOLUTELY! It has been driving me a little batty. This northern girl needs a basement. We have to much stuff and no where to go with it. We have lots of cleaning out to do and rearranging. The kids are begging us to go bowling. We may try to squeeze that in with the girl who is staying with us and her mother. That would be fun, we will see if we can fit it all in. It is sure to be a busy weekend.

Continually trusting in HIM<><

Sara

BUNNIES, BUBBLES and STRUGGLES

THE 7 BUNNIES ALL SNUGGLED UP... IT TURNS OUT RUNTSY DIDN'T MAKE IT AFTER ALL... THAT WAS SAD FOR THE KIDS WHEN WE BURIED THE LITTLE GUY OUT BACK:(



I JUST LOVE THESE KIDS. THIS WAS THE SCENE AFTER I SAID, "JUST PUT IN A LITTLE BIT OF BUBBLE BATH." IT WAS PRETTY MUCH OVERFLOWING... BUT THE KIDS WERE HAVING A BLAST.

I am giving you a fair warning this post is a little all over the place... kind of like my mind:)

We had a pretty uneventful week this week. The kids are finishing up their school work and we did some testing with them. They are really excited to be wrapping things up. We do plan on doing History and Science over the summer just to lighten up the load during the school year. I think it will be a good fit for us... we will need to get out of the heat... us northerners aren't quite used to the Oklahoma summer heat.

I just got a phone call today from a dear friend at the seminary whose college roommate just had a stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation. If you think of it would you please pray for Sherrie, her husband and their 2 little boys as they grieve the death of their sweet daughter Amelia. My heart just goes out to them knowing what they are experiencing right now... but even more so what they will experience over the next months. I have never in my life felt such isolation and despair. I know because we know what the Lord has in store for us for eternity we are not to grieve as ones without hope. I know I have the hope of my salvation... But in the day to day grind of moving forward without one of your children, that time of my salvation coming to fruition for eternity seems so far off. That awesome reunion with my son and of course my Savior seems so far off. Obviously I know it could come at any time... in fact we all know that all too well since losing Samuel... tragic deaths don't just happen to others... we have faced it head on. Louis has made it a part of his prayer each night to ask for the Lord to give us another day to live... if it is His will. I know many probably think 6 months is a long time... that I should be moving on... but really it is still so fresh for me and hearing of Sherrie's situation so similar to mine brings it all flooding back. I am hoping to be able to talk with her or at least email.

I don't know if I ever mentioned my sweet friend Corie from Colorado. She also lost her 5th child, a son, a year ago this past January. I am not even sure how we connected, somehow she came across my blog just weeks after Samuel died. Her son Larson had been with his Savior for about 10 months at that time. She was such a blessing to me. To have someone who REALLY understood what I was thinking, feeling, and dealing with was an incredible gift to me from God.

Well, I did FINALLY sit on my big blue couch. I know that may sound crazy, but I haven't been able to sit on it since October 29th when I was sitting there and the fear of what may have happened with the baby was becoming a reality. So I forced myself to sit there and do my devotions today. Of course I cried the whole time. I have been reading The One Year Book of Hope by Nancie Guthrie. She has lost 2 babies within their first 6 months of their lives. Tough! It is an amazing devotional. It really helps me refocus.

One of the things that I have struggled with has been those times of real despair when Greg and I are praying for relief, peace, comfort, and hope etc. At the same time we know that the devil is attacking at that same time filling my mind with bad thoughts and doubts. I know he is deceiving me during that time. So we also always pray for the Devil to have no power at all in my life, in our family and in our home. There have been times that I have felt NO relief... what is that all about? I know God is present with me in those times but why won't He just send some comfort. I asked my bible study ladies the other week what they thought regarding that. And one wonderful wise lady said that maybe during those times when I don't feel any relief from Him or His presence he is busy fighting off the devil and all his demons that are attacking me.

And let me tell you I KNOW clearly that I have been under attack. I have FELT under attack .

The crazy thing is today in Bible study at church we were studying Hebrews 4. A central focus to the early verses of the Chapter was rest. I have been a Christian my whole life and never before has anyone ever explained to me that there will be times that we may not feel that rest or peace WHEN we call out. God will give it, but in HIS time when He wants to or has planned to and that certainly can be at a different time than what we would prefer. Obviously there are times when His peace does wash over me when I pray for it, and I praise God for those times.

I am not saying this at all about my personal church, but I think churches in general. I think many people come to church and put their "church face" on. Sometimes it seems that there isn't always a real honesty about where people are truly at, what they are struggling with. Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing if we could admit our struggles and then pray and support one another in the struggle, trial, or trouble...not pretend that things are better than they truly are. I wish we could be completely real with one another.

So in Bible Study today, I hate to admit this but my blood was starting to boil. Greg was leading the Bible Study. I just wanted someone to put it out there... There was a lot of talk about if we go to Him we will have rest, the verse Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Many people were saying when you go to him in the hard times He will give you peace, or make it easier. I have experienced the loss of my son, and I know my continual reliance on HIM, but yet I don't always feel peace or the burden being lifted, that is just the reality of it. I have a hard time that no one acknowledges that part of things. I know that God is there and sustaining me, but sometimes there is certainly not relief from the despair. I approached Greg about it, because this has been something we have talked about many times since Samuel died. He said that part of the Bible Study may be covered next week. I am interested to see what everyone has to say about that then.

So when this woman gave me that picture of God literally fighting off the evil one in those times. That made such an impact on me. I have been intrigued with the spiritual side of things and spiritual warfare since I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti in high school. It comforts me that during those times when I am under attack to literally visualize God fighting for me. It brought back to mind an awesome human video that I saw on the web a while back. Please take some time to watch it... you might need some kleenex. I love the way they show Jesus going to battle for the girl in the video. That is the same way He fights for us, you and me everyday when we feel under attack and even when we may be unaware of the attack. Praise God for that. That is just AWESOME!

So once again, I know I am not a theologian, just a woman who has lost her son and is traveling that road of grief and recovery with the Lord at my side one step at a time. I pray you are blessed by the video.

You will need to go to the bottom of my page and pause the music player so you can hear the music on the video:) Let me know what you think:)

HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY CALEB... a few days late:)

I JUST LOVED MY DARK SKINNED, DARK HAIRED BABY BOY

CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY CALEB WAS TO HAVE BABY ANNA HERE? HE WAS SITTING IN THE BACK JUST GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

SORRY, I AM NOT THE MOST COMPUTER SAVVY PERSON, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST A CROPPED PHOTO WITHOUT GETTING ALL THE WHITE ON THERE TOO:)

I LOVE THIS PICTURE MY FRIEND BECKY GAVE ME OF CALEB AND I AT CICI'S . I HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE TAKING THE PICTURE. BUT IT CLEARLY CAUGHT THE FACT THAT CALEB IS CONSTANTLY SAYING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SMILE OR LAUGH. LAST YEAR AT THE SEMINARY, WE ATE THERE LOTS OF WEDNESDAYS WITH BECKY'S FAMILY AND THEIR 6 KIDS...KIDS EAT FREE ON WEDNESDAYS:)

THIS IS TOTALLY CALEB...CONSTANTLY IN MOTION. A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN I WENT OUT FOR A RUN, I TOLD CALEB HE NEEDED TO READ TO ANNA AND JO. WHEN I CAME HOME THERE HE WAS LITERALLY READING ON THE TRAMP WHILE THEY WERE ALL JUMPING.

I AM NOT SURE IF YOU CAN SEE CALEB'S BIRTHMARK ON HIS FACE. IT PRETTY MUCH COVERS 1/2 OF ONE SIDE. CALEB HAS SUCH A SWEET SPIRIT, IT HAS NEVER BOTHERED HIM. ONE DAY AT THE SEMINARY A KID TOLD HIM THAT HE LOOKED LIKE AN OREO. CALEB JUST LAUGHED. THE OTHER DAY I TOLD HIM THAT WHEN I LOOK AT HIM, I DON'T EVEN SEE IT. THE BIGGEST SMILE CAME ACROSS HIS FACE.

I cant believe my second born is 10. Like I said above Caleb is constantly in motion. We have always called him the "TEXAS TORNADO" He is all boy and loves most sports. The poor boy tends to leave a path of destruction around the house... he just can't help it, he is always moving and knocking things over. He has grown so much, he realized his lack of self-control and asked to have that put on the family prayer board for over a year. He is hilarious and very kind hearted. He is a baby lover and a great big brother. He is not the most emotional kid, but when he is hurting, he is REALLY hurting, and you can just see it eating him up on the inside. He is very self-motivated and a hard worker. He is amazing with Math problems... he can do things in his head that there is NO WAY I could figure out. He cracks us all up.

We are so blessed to have this little guy as a part of our family. We thank God for giving us the precious gift of Caleb.

MOTHER'S DAY

Precious Mother's Day card from my sweet friend Heather

A precious gift from Jolene at our church

Mother's Day 2009 is one I probably won't forget... my first Mother's Day not having all of my kids with me... this side of Heaven. God was gracious today and it was actually better than I was anticipating. Of course there were tears shed... but He sustained me. There are so many women I have met through the Internet that have also lost children. My heart aches for them today, especially the moms that don't have any living children here with them. I feel for those moms who have maybe lost babies to miscarriage or stillbirth who arms are still empty. Those moms don't look like moms from the outside... but if we truly believe life begins at conception, which I do, then they are still mothers in every sense of the word. This year my eyes have been opened in a new way to the hurt that many feel on Mother's Day. What about those women who have tried for years to become a mother and still they wait. I have been praying for them all today.

We had a nice family day. We had to run some errands for Caleb's birthday tomorrow. He gets to be King For the Day, and pick all of the meals so I needed to pick up a few things. We had a nice lunch out, that was a treat. And my sweet hubby made dinner, another treat. We took a nice walk and watched a movie together, all in all it was a really nice day.

My sweet Northern friend Heather sent me the card above. Wow, it was so nice to have people mention Samuel today. Of course He was on my mind all day. But it was nice to know others remembered him. There was a beautiful verse on the inside of the card reminding me that in the future there will be a time when all the tears are wiped from our eyes. Praise God for that... I long for that day...Could it be today? Could He come back today? Wouldn't that be amazing?

A sweet lady from our church had a necklace made for me. You can't really see how beautiful it is in the picture above. I absolutely love it. It has Samuel's name and heaven going date on it. On the left there are 2 hearts to represent Greg and I and on the right side 4 hearts to represent Samuel's 4 siblings. I just love that it hangs close to my heart and includes our WHOLE family. Then there was a bible verse etched on the back and the last part of the verse on the front. It is beautiful and it meant so much to me to have her bless me with this precious gift on Mother's Day. This is the verse that is printed on the pendant...

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

That is something that I continually need to remind myself of, God's great love for me. When you feel like you have had the rug pulled out from under you, you need the constant reminders of Who God is and His character. I don't think it is at all a matter of faith it is more like taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ.

She also had the reference to Habakkuk 3:17-19 engraved on the pendant. We had this verse at Samuel's Memorial service. I love it, it really depicts the heart of how I feel.

Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my Salvation. The Lord God is my strength. Habakkuk 3:17-19

BABY BUNNIES

JOJO SNUGGLIN UNDER HIS SAMUEL BLANKET... THANKS MISS MARGIE

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE SIZE DIFFERNCE BETWEEN ROMEO AND RUNTSY... OBVIOUSLY HE IS THE RUNT OF THE LITTER... WE ARE HOPING HE MAKES IT. HE SEEMS FINE SO FAR:)

When we moved here we kind of wanted to live the farm life with animals, land, etc. Well we really didn't get all of that, but we have a sweet family from church that hooked us up with the pregnant rabbit, gives us fresh farm eggs, and recently invited us to come out and kill and dress the chickens. YIKES! How is that for a homeschool project? There is no way I will be able to do it, but the kids are excited about it. I am glad they get to experience the fun things about life on a farm and they are learning a lot:)

Well, everything is going well with the young girl living with us. She wants me to go to her ultrasound with her. The old me would have jumped at the chance... the new me isn't sure I could handle it. How do I explain that to a 15 year old? There is such a tangled web of emotions for me. Sometimes I think how did this happen that we have her living with us. For some reason we just felt the Lord telling us we should do it. I can't explain it. I know it makes no sense. I have a hard time around most pregnant ladies and now I have one living with me. But for some reason that hasn't been too bad. Maybe I can handle it now because she isn't showing much yet and maybe it is because she is in a crisis pregnancy. She seems to understand our grief over Samuel so that has been good. I really want to be there for her. We are having lots of great conversations. Today JOJO overhead her say that she doesn't have any friends... and he said, "Will you be my friend? Precious. I pray God is using us in her life.

Well, I am off to an overnight retreat. I will treasure the time to get away and hopefully be refreshed a bit. The speaker is actually one of the Professor's wives from the seminary. She was a HUGE mentor to me and the other sem. wives when we were there. Boy have I missed her. We were able to talk yesterday on the phone but I can't wait to get a hug from her. I will never forget her coming to my apartment last year at the sem. while we were getting checked out. After the housing guy left, she gave me a sweet gift and we just cried and prayed together. I knew how much I would miss her, my wonderful friends, and the whole seminary community.

I haven't slept well this week so we will see how that goes. I used to be able to sleep anywhere... now I NEED to be snuggled up to my man. I am not sure my friend Lula will appreciate that:)

Praying you all have a blessed Friday!

THE BALL OF YARN

PURE BOY... PURE RASCAL

I THINK WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH RAIN:)

It has been raining almost non-stop here in Oklahoma. And as you can see in the photos above the kids LOVE playing in it. They came in that day after playing in all of the puddles in the yard smelling like swamp monsters... Ick. They hit the tubs and got in their jammies right away. The weather was starting to make me a little stir crazy and weary. Usually weather doesn't affect me but these days early in the morning I am ready to raise the blinds and let some sun shine in. Praise God, today was the first day in a long while that the sun was shining again.

This morning we awoke to 8-9 new baby bunnies. There were so many and they were wiggling around so much that we kind of lost count. We didn't want to mess with them too much so we will have to recount in a couple of days. They are hairless, tiny and just precious. We knew the mama would have them anyday so the kids were just a buzz about it. They were so excited. I will try to post a picture of them in the next few days.

My new friend Tonya at http://www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com/ had a great post the other day that I just have to tell you about. It was all about a ball of yarn. She too lost her little boy Grady, also a full term still birth, very similar to Samuel.

Every day is such a learning experience for me. How do you go on with the mundane, trivial things in life after you have had such a tragedy occur. How do you practically hear and handle all of the things that people say to you? I don't think that people can understand the depth of the loss of an unborn child. I have had so many people say, "It is so nice that you have your 4 other children." I feel so tremendously blessed by God to have my other children, but I still lost a son, having other children doesn't take that pain away at all. I have told people in a loving way... you have 2 arms and 2 legs, if you lost a leg, would you miss it? Would it hurt? Would you want it back? That is how it is, it doesn't matter that I have 4 living children, there is still a piece of our family missing.

People have also said, "Thank goodness it happened now and not when he was 3 months or 3 years." I now know, I can never judge if someones loss is more significant than another... they are just different, not necessarily more or less difficult. Other's have said, "Maybe God was sparing him from something in his future." " God has a reason and He will work good from it." The hard thing is although that is true, when you are fresh on the heels of a tragic loss, no good thing really seems worth it. You just want your baby back.

OK, back to the ball of yarn and Tonya's post. She was at a bereavement conference. They got in a circle with 6-7 people and passed a ball of yarn around. Whenever the ball came to you, you needed to hold on to that spot in the ball of yarn and say one way that you bonded with your baby before it was born. Then you passed the ball on. There are so many ways that you bond with that child, especially for the mother carrying him/her... hearing the heartbeat, seeing an ultrasound, baby showers, feeling the baby kick or wiggle around inside of you, praying for that baby, feeling hiccups, making purchases for the baby, picking out names, singing or talking to the baby, planning for the future you will have with that child... you get it, the list could go on and on. So the ball of yarn goes back and forth between all of the people. Then they had to raise their arms and see the web of yarn from the underside. It looked pretty neat. Then they had to drop the yarn all at once. What was on the floor was a big jumbled mess, just like grief. It was then explained that this is what someones life is like when they lose a child, even before birth. This is the mess they need to unravel.

They then had to try to wind the yarn back up. Some of it would go together really nicely but there were places where there were knots that needed to be worked through more carefully. You see that tangled yarn is kind of how I feel on the inside. Many may think that I didn't really even get to know Samuel since he died in the womb. That couldn't be further from the truth. I carried that sweet baby boy for 40+ weeks and I knew him well, his movements well. He is my son, a part of me and my sweet husband. So even though some days or some memories might be more easy to work through there will be many rough spots, or knots that need to be worked through more carefully and that will require more energy and time.

I thought that was the perfect word picture for how ones life is after a loss. Sometimes it is really messy, sometimes it is much smoother. This is quite a process. Isn't it great that God can be a part of the process? For me, He really IS the process. I have no other choice but to trust him for the future. We are a work in progress, he is continually growing, changing and molding us... and sometimes that feels good and sometimes it hurts something fierce. I am just glad I don't have to make it through alone.

The Elephant in the Room

I got this poem from my sweet friend Shiela at church. She said she thought of me when she read it.

It is amazing to me how people can avoid the obvious... very obvious. I understand why they do it, they are uncomfortable. But if only they could see into the heart and soul of one who has lost and see the deep pain, that has made its home there. Do they have any idea how uncomfortable that is? Do they even recognize me when I can hardly recognize myself at times?

I was trying to tell one of my brothers about this elephant in the room feeling. I told him how I saw a neighbor the day after I had Samuel. I had just seen her 3 days before.... hugely pregnant, we talked all about the baby coming any time. I sent Greg out shortly after we got home from the hospital, literally 2 hours after we said goodbye to our son, to tell the neighbors what had happened. I didn't want to see them a couple of weeks later and have them ask how the baby was and then have to explain over and over again to each neighbor what had happened. I just couldn't do it. (I did have to do it once when a neighbors mom saw me running about 6 weeks after Samuel was born... poor lady, I just broke down in her arms telling her what had happened) Anyways... I digress... this women didn't say a word to me about what had happened... my missing belly, my empty arms. She was talking about getting out her Christmas decorations. WHAT???? She knew, Greg had just spoke with her the day before. I just wanted to yell, "I just delivered my stillborn son yesterday. My son is dead. Yesterday I had that sweet boys body in my arms even though his spirit was gone. Do you realize what has happened to me in the last 48 hours?" I didn't say any of that of course:) It was the strangest feeling, to have the obvious ignored. That was just the start of it... I don't know if I will ever get used to it, but it has happened over and over again.

I was trying to get my brother to understand this feeling. It would be like you are at work or church like normal. You are going about your normal routine there and everyone is happy to talk to you, hang out with you, making plans with you etc. That same evening you get in a car accident that leaves you battered and bruised and in a wheel chair. The next week when you show up at work or church in the wheelchair... no one even mentions it. It is like they don't see the wheelchair, your bandages, bruises or you... They don't bring up the accident or your condition. Wouldn't it be strange if no one said anything about any of it???

Please know I am not pointing fingers at all. I get it. I do forgive people for not knowing how to approach the subject of my son's premature death. (I guess it really wasn't premature to God... He knew the exact # of days he would live... but it was a little, a lot premature to me:) It was so sweet tonight during our family prayers Caleb thanked God for giving us 9 months and 1 day with Samuel. You could hear in his voice how much he treasured that time with Samuel.

We have had a really rough week. But you know I am thankful that the Lord KNOWS exactly what I am thinking. He knows every intricate detailed part of my son. He created him in my womb. My son is in His presence. How I wish I could be there too:) Someday.... He is not uncomfortable with me, my tears or my loss, He wants to hear all about it. He has got to be getting tired of hearing from me:) But let me tell you there is great comfort in the fact that he never tires:)

Here is the poem:

The Elephant in the Room (by Terry Kettering)
There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" And, "I'm fine:...
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else---
except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.


But we do not talk bout the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say his name.
Oh, please, say "Samuel" again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life?
Can I say "Samuel" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me
Alone...
In a room...
With an elephant.



Have I ever told you hearing Samuel's name is like music to my ears:)
Samuel, Samuel, sweet precious Samuel!! :)