WISCONSIN CONTINUED

The cousins taking a break from hunting for sheds(deer antlers) in the woods.

The kids with the Boggs Bunch

Our sweet Godson Asher...could he be any cuter or have longer eyelashes?

We are completely enjoying our time up here in Wisconsin. But boy do I miss my hubby back home. I don't think we have talked as much in the past 15 years of marriage combined as we have in the last 4 months. No, that is probably not true, but I really miss just hanging out at night on the couch, after the kids are in bed, watching an episode of the office, and talking about everything that is going on in our crazy life.

My parents live on a big plot of land with my 2 brothers and one other family. Before we moved to the seminary we lived less than a mile away just on the other side of this little lake called Pretty Lake.... Yep, that is really the name, and it really is Pretty. So it has been so nice to be back in our old neighborhood.

The big boys are having their 3rd sleepover of the week with their cousins. Tonight after I told them they could have yet another sleepover Louis bust out with, "This is the best week of my life!" They are having a ball. Anna actually had her first little sleepover with her cousin and best little buddy Sophia. They were so excited to be a part of what the big kids do.

So tonight we went and had dinner at my brother's church. It is sort of a fellowship dinner that they do each week that my sister-in-law helped organize. Afterwards my brother leads a bit of worship before a time of prayer. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay for that, but it turns out I did. I think the Lord just nudged my heart. With Greg being in ministry I am always interested to see different things that different churches do and how they do it. It was a beautiful time of worship, praise and prayer. My brother requested prayer for me regarding healing from the loss of Samuel. It was amazing to be surrounded by mostly complete strangers, who just laid their hands on me and prayed for healing for me, the rest of my family, strength for my marriage, and unity in our whole extended family. Wow, the Lord knew I needed that. It was so neat to see the body of Christ at work, reaching out and approaching the throne of God on behalf of a sister in Christ, someone they didn't even know. They weren't afraid to minister to me in my grief. Ahhhh, it was a comfort. It blessed me greatly.

All of that just makes me realize more and more the pain that people experience in this life. I don't want all that we are going through and all that we are learning through this experience to be wasted. I know that this side of Heaven I may never see why the Lord took Samuel so soon, but I do want to be able to see some purpose in it. I have seen how when people minister to me how it can encourage and refresh me in those heavy, clouded times. I want to use this for God's glory... to really be able to minister to others who are suffering. I don't want people to feel alone or to feel that people don't care about them when they are suffering. We are all so busy nowadays, so concerned with what is going on in our day to day lives, that it is so easy just to look inward and not be looking outward at what our neighbor or maybe even a complete stranger might need. I was on the receiving end tonight and wow, to see the body of Christ at work was so neat. So, I really have no idea how God is going to use this suffering in our lives... but I know I want to be completely open to his leading. I pray He will reveal it to us in time if it is in a certain type of ministry for Greg and I or it may be bit by bit, day by day, as we minister or help those He brings across our path in this life.

WE'VE ARRIVED

We pulled in later Sunday night after spending 2 nights with the Boggs crew...(pictures to come:) They were so gracious to let us hunker down with them. It was really a blessing to be able to see some of our friends there at the seminary. I loved hanging out and visiting with my friends. I even got to stop by the resell it shop and campus food bank. We volunteered there at least once a week, the kids still talk about how fun that was for them. Boy do we miss those places. The kids immediately were out running around with all of their old buddies. It was so fun to see that. We will never live in a community like that again. I remember kind of dreading moving there, it is sad to even admit that. I really felt like we were really moving there for Greg's education alone. Wow, God knocked my socks off with that one. He blessed us beyond our wildest dreams with our time there, the friends he gave us, the community of like-minded people to live with, it still amazes me. It was so neat to have great, wonderful people in the exact same boat you were in right outside your door, ready and available at any minute. It was awesome. So it was a treat to be in that community again.

Then we were able to see my friend Rebecca and her family. I have known her for as long as I can remember. I have pictures of her in my photo album from my birthday parties when I was probably 5. We grew up in the same church. We have been friends ever since. What a treat to sit and eat the traditional Sunday night dinner of popcorn and fruit. We laughed... all these years we never knew that she and I both grew up doing that and have carried it over to our families. I would encourage all you ladies out there to do it. It is one free night of cooking... throw some peanut butter or cheese out there and you are good to go.

Yesterday my sweet college roommate Samantha and my brother John and his wife Katy came and hung out with us. The kids had a sleepover with cousins and are already begging to stay as long as we can. Right now they are out feeding the goats, cats, and chickens. They are having a ball. I just can't say how wonderful it is to be home and feel the love of family and long time friends. My heart has needed this so badly.


Thank you Lord for the comfort of those close to me. Thank you for the healing and peace that it brings to my heart. Thank you Lord for taking care of my sweet son Samuel for the last 4 months. Thank you for holding him in you arms. I can't wait till I can join him and scoop that precious boy up in my arms and hold him myself. Will it even matter then Lord? Will he even be small enough to hold? Lord I just can't wait to be in his presence again and more importantly be in your presence for eternity. Come Lord Jesus Come!

WE'RE OUT OF HERE:)

The Sun is finally shining here in Oklahoma

Anna and Nigel (what the kids named him:), another roaming neighborhood dog.

Well I literally decided this morning that we, the kids and I that is, will hit the road tomorrow morning to head up to Wisconsin to visit family and friends. So needless to say, it has been a busy day getting us all packed and ready to go. Actually I think I like the spur of the moment travel. I am a planner so it is kind of nice to just fly by the seat of your pants and just try to pull it all together quick. The kids were a huge help, we even got the house cleaned... I can't stand coming home to a messy house. We will see how Greg does while we are gone. So we will be off to the frozen tundra tomorrow. I have been needing the physical presence of people... and you know my husband does have a job to go to:) So it is time to head north and be with my loved ones. I can't wait to just hang out and be me with those who love me in the good, bad and the ugly times:) It will be nice. My dad just called me last night to remind me that we will make it through this together. He is becoming more of a softie as he gets older... Such a sweet man.

We will be stopping in St. Louis on the way to visit with friends from the sem. Our dear friends the Bogg's are willing to house us for the night, very last minute I might add. So it will be a party, the 8 of the them and the 5 of us in their 750 sq. ft. seminary apartment. We are so grateful for their generosity. I am not sure how long we will get to stay up north. We may need to head back the middle of next week. That was the main reason I wasn't sure about or planning on going. But I decided I needed to go that bad, that it is definitely worth the 12 hour trip even if we only stay for 5 days.

The funeral service was rough. They seem to be holding it together well. I think God just puts your body into a state of shock so that you can function and attend to all of the tasks and decisions that need to be made quickly in those first few days when a death occurs. Their daughter was precious. It was so hard to see them and their grief, all too fresh for us. We were able to greet them and let them know we are here for them, and know just how they feel. Our hearts just ache for them.

So I am not sure if I will get the chance to blog. My parents literally just entered the 21st century by purchasing a computer just this past month. Who knows, Louis will probably be teaching them how to use it:)

So it is goodbye Oklahoma, hello WISCONSIN. Ahhhhh HOME! We are looking forward to the cold weather and maybe some snow... More importantly looking forward to being loved on by all of our loved ones! Praise God for family and friends.

A MOTHERS HEART

My mommy heart is aching today. My arms physically ache today for my baby. It is the strangest feeling to know that I no longer carry my baby inside of me...(I miss his presence there so greatly) yet I don't carry my baby in my arms either. He should be in my arms. I still sometimes get phantom movements where I honestly think I feel him kick. I wonder how long that will go on. I miss my sweet boy more and more with each passing day.

Today while at the Doctor's office the nurse was asking JOJO about the cowboy boots he was wearing. She asked if he was going to need a new pair soon. He went on to explain that when he gets too big for these boots Samuel will get to wear them. The nurse then asked if Samuel was Jo's little brother. So I had to explain to her and him that I don't think Samuel needs those cowboy boots in Heaven. Weird, Jojo knows where Samuel is, yet I am not sure he completely gets that he will never be here with us.

I was so blessed by my time away with my 2 girlfriends Mary and Lula. During worship on Friday evening they literally surrounded me, held me and cried with me as we sang. Being with good friends is so precious to me. How I thank the Lord for them. I got to meet some of Mary's friends from Houston. What sweet ladies and sisters in Christ. They were not afraid to come up to me and talk to me about my loss. It was so refreshing to have complete strangers come up and mention my son. They have been praying for me since October when Mary brought back the picture of Samuel from the memorial service. One of the gals had her baby there. She even said I could hold her baby if I thought that might help me heal in some way. I just said that I couldn't yet at this point. I am not sure when I will be able to hold a little one.

Anyone who knows me knows I am ALL about babies. I gravitate to them. Greg always has to tell me to not stare or approach a mom with a newborn because I might freak them out:) I am so different now. I literally have to go the long way around Walmart, so that I don't go near the baby section. I can't really even look at a newborn. It isn't a good feeling... so not me.

I continue to wait on the Lord's timing for healing. I am clinging to the fact that He will heal me bit by bit, and trusting that He will bring it in His time. Is it still normal to cry every single day 4 days out from my loss? I guess you can't put a time table on grief, it is different for each person. I prayed for that baby for 2 1/2 years, I guess 4 months isn't long when you consider that. When I called my dad today in tears... poor guy... he prayed with me and tried to cheer me up. I know it hurts him to see me in pain. He even said he feels that there is a hole in his heart because of the loss of Samuel. For some reason that made me feel good. I talked with my sister 3 times today, I told her is was such a treat. She said it was almost as if we were neighbors, just calling to ask a question or two... what I wouldn't give to have my little sister closer than Massachusetts.

We will be heading to the funeral service for the little baby that was still born this past weekend. I know it may be hard to be there... at the same time I want that women to know that she is not alone. I want her to know that there is someone who completely understands how she feels right now, how she may feel a month from now, how she may feel in the middle of the night, how it feels to have your milk come in and have no baby to nurse, how it feels to lose a child, and how it feels to have her mommy heart broken. I want to be available to her in the next months... whenever, however she may need it. Please continue to pray for them.

PLEASE PRAY

My heart is heavy. On Saturday night I received an email from the director of CPO the Crisis Pregnancy Center that we may adopt through. One of the director's assistants was due to have her baby girl any day. She found out that afternoon that the baby had died in the womb due to a cord accident.

Oh, I know all too well, the pain they are feeling today as they leave the hospital empty handed when they had anticipated leaving with their arm's full and hearts overflowing with joy and love. I know the range of emotions and grief that they will experience over the next months and my heart is broken for them. Knowing where I am at just 4 months later and how raw my heart still feels I grieve for them.

Please pray for the Johnson family that the Lord would wrap His arms around them and fill them with an immeasurable peace right now. Pray that the Lord would send just the right people to minister to them during this difficult, heartbreaking time.

Thankyou!

OUR PROVIDER... EBENEZER #2

He provides food for those who love him, He remembers His

covenant forever. Psalm 111:5

This is the verse we are memorizing this week. We have seen Him provide and we are clinging to the promise that He remembers His covenant forever.

Our God is our provider. This is our 2nd family Ebenezer. Do you remember Samuel raising the Ebenezer in 1 Samuel 5:12 saying, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."? Oh how I wish our Samuel were here to raise our family Ebenezers with the rest of us.

When we first started talking about our Ebenezers we asked the kids what are some ways the Lord has helped us so far in our life? Every single person had to mention how the Lord has provided for our family. We have seen his provision so clearly during the past 2 years at the Seminary. When we stepped out in faith moving there, basically jobless so Greg could attend classes, we knew the Lord would provide. But WOW, how he provided was amazing.

He provided food from the seminary food bank, inexpensive clothes and things for the kids at the seminary re-sell it shop, better friendships than I could have ever imagined, so many playmates for the kids, a wonderful place to live on campus (700 square feet was tight, but we had some of the best times for our family in that cozy apartment:), and He provided financially for us. Both Greg and I were able to work part time while there, me teaching my childbirth classes and doing doula work, and Greg by using his culinary:) skills in the campus kitchen. We wondered how would we balance all we had to do to make it work with out a "real job" or income during those 2 years. God used so many family member, churches and even strangers to provide for us. It was so neat to see the hands and feet of Christ in our lives through all of those people. God was so faithful to provide all we needed and so much more... abundantly.

I remember when we were first married and had Louis. We decided I would stay home with Louis and take care of some other children before and after the school day. When we figured out the finances it seemed like we would be $200 short each month from what we thought we would need. Right around that time Greg and I had gotten up in church and given a sort of testimony during the service. Just a month later we received a check from some members of church that we really barely knew. They could have had no idea what amount of money we were going to be short each month...we didn't say anything to anyone. Their check covered that $200 each month and even had a little extra in the end. They had seen our testimony in church and knew that I had stopped teaching at the school and that Greg was also working for the church. The Lord had laid us on their hearts. That was one of of the first times that God visibly laid His financial blessings in our lap. We were amazed and so grateful. And similar situations have happened over and over again in our life.

So now we come to such a different place in our lives. We know God had the power to make our situation with Samuel so different last October. Honestly that is a struggle at times. He is all powerful, He easily could have allowed that cord to be the continuous source of life for my son, and not what caused his death. I have always known that ultimately my children are Gods... on loan to us for a time. I just never anticipated having to give one of them back to him so much earlier than expected. I still pray to the Lord as I check on the kids before I go to bed each night, and place them back in His care while I sleep. I know they are always in His care, but I verbalize it every night.

When I think of how God is providing for my son now, I am jealous. How I long to be in His presence with Samuel. I am homesick for my eternal home. But until I am there with him, I know He will provide for me and my family here on earth. He has proven it over and over again.

This week He provided :

My MEND support group, a place where I feel free to share honestly about my grief and I know people completely understand.

A dear sweet young mother at church who came and hugged me and cried with me while a song was played that we had chosen for Samuel's memorial service. Oh to have the physical touch of someone who cares. It was a blessing.

A get away for me this coming weekend to spend time with 2 dear, lovely, longtime, Christian friends.

A call for Greg to continue serving here at our church permanently. (Now we just need to pray for the Lord to make His will and plan clear to us.)

A great lunch with the director at CPO, the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach, who we may adopt through. We are excited to see how God may use us to parent a child who needs a loving, Christian home.

Sometimes God provides for a need before you even know you have it. Now that always feels so good. And Greg and I have talked lately how sometimes it feels like He provides things for you in the 11th hour, when you are hanging on by a thread. That doesn't always feel as good. But today we are thanking God for being our PROVIDER early, what feels late to us, in the past, today, and in the future.

COUNTRY LIVING:)

People who know me well will get a kick out of our life here in the country. I guess we really don't live that far in the country, but it feels and looks like country living and we like that.

The day we closed on our house here last June, our new neighbor introduced himself to us as we unpacked a carload before heading back to St. Louis. Our neighbor is a great guy, but one of the first things he said to us when he met us was, " I hope you like dogs." The crazy thing is, I have never liked dogs. I didn't tell him that of course.

Now I don't want to offend any of you dog lovers, my husband is one of you. I know most people like dogs or at least don't mind them. But when you grow up in a home where your mother is HIGHLY allergic to dogs there is no possibility of having a dog as a pet. I grew up in the suburbs, but strangely, having pets like a chicken, and many ducks that we hatched. I think we did end up with some mice when my oldest brother let hundreds of them go at school as a Senior prank... and my next oldest brother caught some and brought them home. I don't remember those mice lasting too long:)

Anyways, after seeing old family movies of me growing up Greg claims he knows why I don't like dogs. There was one movie where I am at the petting zoo feeding the goats. I was probably 4 years old. They were jumping all over me and I was crying hysterically. I know it is silly but I am just afraid of dogs, all dogs... Big, small, it doesn't matter. In my mind, all dogs have teeth, and all dogs can bite. I used to map out my runs, knowing where all of the neighborhood dogs were are and avoiding them at all costs, weaving up and down streets. Crazy, I know.

Well, back to our country living. The above picture shows what our home is like here. The neighbors 2 dogs like to hang out here during the day because there is a fair amount of action here with the kids. Doofus, as we like to call him, the black dog lives outside of the neighborhood but hangs out here everyday. And the newest hairy beast, Nigel, as the kids have affectionately named him, the big brown dog, joined the crew last week. He must have a home, but he hasn't left since he arrived last week. We even had a puppy that we think was dumped off near our home just before Christmas. We took him to a vet to try to find him a home. You would think one roamer might be it, but come on, 4-5 dogs in our yard... just hanging out on a daily basis?? It is crazy.

As crazy as this sounds, the dogs are actually growing on me... I never thought I would say that. They all trail me on my runs and it actually keeps me company. They are all really nice dogs, they don't jump on you or bark much. The best part is they aren't ours... the kids can play with them, but we don't have to feed or take care of them. And usually they go home at night:)

Kind of a random post... signing off and hitting the hay.

Loving my four kids here with me but missing my sweet Samuel in Heaven.

Sara