That familiar chill in the air...

October for me is hard... there is no other way to slice it...

Is it as hard as it was 7 years ago?  NO WAY!

But it is still hard...

Truth be told... when we had the first chill in the air this year, it was the first time in the last 7 years that I didn't feel like I had been punched in the gut... As wonderful as that is...
Yes for the past 7 years every time I felt that first fall chill my breath was taken away...

Whoosh... fall... cool... cold... sorrow... loneliness... despair... emptiness... shattered heart... it all came back...

But this year was different, praise God... I just took in that first fall crisp air and marveled that it felt OK... it actually felt totally good... Wow... my heart is thankful for the whole process of healing that has taken place and continues to take place in my heart...

But even since then... the tears have come...
First when I caught Jojo looking at Samuel's photo album tears in his eyes as he snuck upstairs not wanting anyone to see... (You can bet I followed after him...:)

More as midwives came up in History and they asked all about their births and Samuel's hard birth...
Jojo then 3 1/2 and Anna was then almost 6 (we held Samuel's memorial service on Anna's 6th birthday... They see it much differently now and have a much deeper understanding of all that is missing from life as we miss Samuel.  They know the fun of their little siblings and know he would have been their partner in crime... especially for Jojo... That hurts my heart for him more than I would ever admit to him:(

Then tonight as Louis and I drove downtown together for a really special night...  more tears from both of us as he asked all about the details of Samuel's death... Being stuck in Chicago traffic left lots of time for recalling details he never knew as an 11 year old but now sees very differently as a 19 year old young man...

It is hard recalling the nurses cold words as she stuck her head in the crack of the door that Samuel didn't have any cardiac activity... WHAT???  Her coldness and lack of compassion left me honestly wondering if she really said what she had just said?

It was hard sharing with Louis the noises that emerged from me in the darkness of night as I labored to bring a stillborn son into this world...

It was even hard sharing through tears what sweet nurses God gave me when he was actually born... Only in the bible belt do nurses put their hands on you and pray boldly for the Holy Spirit to bring comfort...

So even now... these conversations come up... more so this year on a more adult level with the older kids than ever before... I think they are seeing Samuel through different eyes, maybe me through different eyes and the whole situation differently.

Wow... what a gift that beautiful little guy was... despite the pain and sorrow it still brings to my heart... He was worth every single second and every single tear!

Truth is... We still miss him...
It still hurts... some days more than others...
We will never forget him...
We will always honor him...
He is forever loved...

And we are so very thankful for the amazing healing restoring power of our gracious God... I literally thought my heart would be shattered into a million pieces forever... But like I have said before... the Lord has planted those shattered pieces and grown a new, different, but still wonderful and beautiful life!

If you are hurting today...
Be encouraged... It is 100% OK to be right where you are... I firmly believe that we need to feel what we need to feel... We can't just blow off grief... It is a process that needs working through... But it won't hurt like it hurts right now forever...

Continually give the Lord your pain and sorrow... Some days he takes it from you and lifts that burden and fills you with peace... Other days, I felt he left it right where it was, where it needed going through, feeling, and processing all of it (in light of HIS faithfulness to walk right beside us in it) to be able to eventually heal in a healthy way...

We love big... we hurt big... and God heals big... You can't really rush the process or skip over any part of it...

My heart is with yours if you are hurting tonight... I would love to pray for you if you need prayer... It would be my privilege... and May you feel the strong arms of our Savior holding you close tonight...