Another year closer to Heaven...

How do I adequately put into words what it feels like 8 whole years later...

Do I live constantly with this deep heartache I feel right now as I sit quietly alone at Starbucks at nearly 11pm?  Not at all... But am I feeling it now? 

Down to my very core...

But I thank God we don't grieve with out hope... 

I know it may seem odd or depressing to some that my heart still aches over the loss of my precious son 8 years later... 

But I am ok with it... On a daily basis, I barely have time to catch a breath...  So when the hurting hits, it is ok with me... Grieving is healthy and it is a process... 

I have learned it is a process that no one else can judge or tell you how to work through... 

This precious baby boy, my son Samuel, His life had value...

It still does... It ALWAYS will...

It really is hard not to think back to what was happening this time 8 years ago... 10-28-08 (I wrote this a couple of days ago now) 

It was my due date and he was moving like crazy late that night... 

and just like that it would be the last I felt of him...

I don't dwell often on the events that had to occur to bring his body forth... 

But on anniversary days... it is hard for me not to think about it... 

The birth... it was traumatic of course... I will never forget when it was time to push, just crying out that there was no way I could do it... I wasn't ready to really see him, lifeless... 

But the minute all 9 lbs. 2 oz. of him was born there wasn't a dry eye in the room... It was sort of an out of body experience for me... I could hear everyone sniffling... See the tears falling down their faces... Hear the silence from my baby... but  I was just in awe of how absolutely perfect and precious he was... I could not take my eyes off of him...

And so we spent 5 sacred precious hours with him before we handed him over to the nurse... a memory I will never forget... 

(Seriously, could Anna and Samuel be more sweet?)

There were tears... there still are...There was A LOT of passing him around... Not one of the kids hesitated to hold, hug, and kiss him... 

They loved him fully... Something I will cherish and never forget... They were prepared  for this baby boy... They were so excited for him to be born... and I thank God that it was a beautiful time for all of us to spend with Samuel.  How odd... the most difficult time... but yet one of the most beautiful of times...

Now... as I look at the these pictures, I can hardly believe how little my kids were when they experienced the loss of a brother... They look so small... Yet to handle something so big... 

My sweet family... 

I know we don't own the corner on grief or sorrow... There are many that go through much worse... But heartache is heartache... no matter what the cause...

And Life is life... no matter how tiny... 

And his life mattered then while I was carrying him, holding him still in my arms... and now as I remember the precious gift God gave us in Samuel... 

I remember thinking... That if I lived to 80 I would have to live 40+ years with out him here with me... 

Now I think... Wow... 8 whole years closer to seeing him again... Not a month closer... not a year closer...

8 WHOLE YEARS CLOSER TO HEAVEN!!!! 

I rejoice in that... Truly... 

I know my life here is precious... My family here is precious beyond belief...

But I know HEAVEN will be all that more amazing!

I rejoice that we will all have that time together... forever...

No more goodbyes... ever...

Samuel Mark,  I loved you from the minute I knew you existed... 

And I will love you till we meet again...

I wonder what kind of trouble you and Jojo would be getting into each day...

I often think about when Jesus was calling your name as He welcomed you home... 

samuel... Samuel....SAMUEL... SAMUEL... as you got closer...

And when you will call mine when I go home...

mom...Mom... MOM... MOM... 

Oh the joy that fills my heart as I think of Heaven...

I really don't know how people do it without faith in Jesus...

We have so much to look forward to... 

This life is not the end... It really is just the very tiniest of beginnings to eternity... 

To forever... to eternity... 

To forever praising our savior together...

To thankfulness in my heart for the beautiful gift that you are to our family...

To the grace of God in collecting ALL of our tears...

To no more goodbyes...

To making it 8 years closer to Heaven...

To our amazing creator who fashioned your precious body so perfectly... 

To the compassion He works in our hearts to reach out to love others in loss...

To a mother's great love that only grows deeper with time...

To HEAVEN...