Blessed....

Blessed by...

Late night smores with the kids in the back yard...

Listening to the chatter and banter of 2 teenage boys pitching a tent at 11 pm in the dark...

Cuddles on the couch with my mini me...

Back porch meetings with my MEND assistants...

Being in ministry with people who truly "GET" a side of me many don't... (what a gift to me!:)

Dinner completely made my 16 year old son...(what a treat... and delicious btw:)

The grace of God to safely get me through teaching 2 teenage boys to drive...:) (Oh my... the stressful and hilarious moments of it all!)

Late night laundry folding, Duck Dynasty watching parties in the basement with my hubby and crew...

The challenging yet humorous moments of potty training...

Homemade haircuts on the back porch for 2 little sweeties...

The pure sweetness of a 10 year old who still wants to marry his mommy... (Oh, that blondie MELTS my heart...)

Sloppy baby kisses...

Wrapping up many subjects in our homeschooling year:)

The feistiness, but yet easily corrected heart of a 3 year old... (strong willed but so tender at the same time... what a treasure!)

The curiosity of a 5 year old that constantly keeps us on our toes...

A husband who is knocking things off the honey do list:)

2 party dates on the calendar for both our parents 50th anniversaries... Yay, what an accomplishment 50 years of marriage is...

Knowing I will see my sister in a week:)

Loads of company coming...  WAHOO!!!

Most MEND (brand new infant loss support group we are starting in Chicago) details falling into place...

A backyard strewn with toys/tents/and misc. what not... what Greg says constantly looks like a scene from Sanford and Sons...

While I don't always like looking at the mess, (in the back yard and in the house:),  I am sooooo thankful for the blessing of the kids that make the messes:)

Tiny little stinker:)

As the local animal trapper came to empty the traps that had caught critters on campus, he brought over this tiny little skunk for the kids to see:)

Have you ever seen such a cute little stinker???  Never thought I could refer to a skunk as cute... but he really was... 

Probably just a few days old this little guy loved being held by the kids... so precious...  Isn't that amazing that even at a few days old those little stripes are so clearly shone?

I am ALWAYS amazed at the amount of skunks, coons, coyotes, opossums we see here on campus... The church has a decent amount of land, and we back up to a golf course, but we are still right in the city... so to see such wildlife is still surprising.  

Amazed by God's precious little creatures today:)

finally picked a spot... and Return to Zero...

It has been on my heart since we moved here to get our Samuel garden planted...

We finally picked the perfect spot beneath this beautiful flowering tree.  

It is further along than pictured here, we are getting there... mulch is down, some flowers and plants planted, but we still have work to do... :)

It feels so good to have started on it... Our Samuel Garden in Oklahoma was so special to me... not really just a place to go and remember him, but since we don't have a cemetery to visit it is sometimes just nice to have a quiet place to sit and think on him and the beautiful short life God gave him with us...

And think on him I have been doing a lot lately... The kids and I spent last Saturday up at my parents and we watched the premiere of Return to Zero with some of my nieces, my sister in law, and my parents.  

I was so thankful to be able to watch it with them.  WOW... I am so thankful that someone tackled making a film about such a hard subject,stillbirth.  (Minnie Driver has said in an interview I saw, that we as people are willing to watch movies where people are blown apart, women abused, and so much more... it was time someone tackled this subject and give support to a group of people that deserve the support of others)  It really hit me, all of the hard/ horrific things people are willing to watch... but yet it finally took Lifetime to come through and be willing to show this very real movie.  

It was very hard to watch... Lots of tears shed... I always have a hard time with rough language and as a Christian there were tough things to watch... (not a movie for little kids at all)  but it was a true story that was told in such a realistic manner.  I really appreciated that!  Of course no two stillbirth situations are exactly the same, but these actors and actresses were pretty much right on the money in depicting a lot of what couples might experience.  And I am so thankful that others can now have a realistic picture of that.  I even think that the movie will help people know how to better support their friends or family through such a loss... 

It opened up a lot of conversations for us between commercials and afterwards... that was good for me... honestly, I know that it is still important to process my emotions at times and it helps to talk about it and share my story... I was amazed when I realized that I had never told my mom how they told me Samuel was dead...(yes... a knock on the door, a head peaking in the room and saying, "your baby has no cardiac activity, your doctor in his way!"  Head was no longer peaking in and that was it... OUCH!  It still makes me angry... how about an I'm sorry... it sounded so sterile... no cardiac activity??? How about heartbeat??? It just sounds warmer to me...)  How did I miss telling my mom all of that... 

It just goes to show me again, how shock and sadness affect a person... I know we all did our very best just to get through the loss and deep sorrow.  I may not always have dealt with it in the most ideal way ( or maybe some people have thought that)... but I truly was... and still am doing my very best with what the Lord has allowed into our lives... It is still hard... really hard... Samuel is still missed each and every day... And the trauma you experience when a baby dies while still inside of you is real... 

I am so thankful that Return to Zero will help break the silence that surrounds stillbirth...  I am so thankful for family and friends who still support me... who are still are willing to talk about and mention Samuel by name... I am so amazed by God's power to heal a shattered heart... 

Sweet and sassy all rolled into one:)

Our Hopie Girl... saying "Word!!!" to her friends... 

This is girl is constant action... 

constant silliness...

constant hunger...

constant clumsiness...

constant curiosity...

constant smarty pants...

constant affection...

constant love...

A CONSTANT REMINDER OF THE FAITHFULNESS OF OUR FATHER...

She was our gift of hope in very dark days... So thankful God chose her for us...

RETURN TO ZERO

Hello friends...
This Saturday, the new movie Return to Zero premieres on the Lifetime channel.  This is a movie that I have known was in the making for the last 2 years.  It focuses on the true story of a couple that experiences the stillbirth of their first child.  I have known from day 1 that this was a hugely important film to the community of parents whom have lost a child.

I have not seen the whole movie... nor do I know all of the details of the storyline or the producer's viewpoint on Heaven... But what I do know from watching the trailer,and from everything that I have heard,  is that it seems to realistically depict the grief and sorrow of this couple as they walk the unbearable journey of the loss of their infant child.

My prayer is that this movie will help to break the silence that surrounds infant loss, that it will help families heal, and that it will open up the lines of communication and the eyes of those who support family or friends when they have received the devastating news that their baby has died while still in the womb.  

If you can, please take the time to watch this important movie this coming Saturday, May 17th.

Here is the official synopsis from the Return to Zero website... 

RETURN TO ZERO is based on the true story of a successful couple, Maggie (MINNIEDRIVER) and Aaron (PAUL ADELSTEIN) who are preparing for the arrival of their first child. Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover that their baby son has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

Maggie and Aaron attempt to go on with their lives but cannot escape their postpartum grief. Their lives and relationship have been forever altered by this loss. And no one seems to understand the hell they are going through. Aaron’s dad, Robert (ALFRED MOLINA), encourages his son to bury himself in work, while Maggie’s Mom, Kathleen (KATHY BAKER), always says the wrong thing.

Maggie and Aaron try to cope in a myriad of ways — through denial, escape, and alcohol — but when Maggie ultimately discovers that Aaron is having an affair with Dana (SARAH JONES), a co-worker, she decides to end the marriage.

Just when Maggie believes she has started a new life, she discovers that she is pregnant by Aaron (from a last ditch ‘save the marriage’ getaway to Vegas.) With the help of Claire (CONNIE NIELSEN), an empathetic doctor who experienced a similar loss years ago, Maggie finally grieves for the loss of her son. Then she and Aaron must reunite to face a turbulent and terrifying pregnancy.

“RETURN TO ZERO premieres in the US & CANADA on SATURDAY, MAY 17th at 8pm/7pm Central on LIFETIME! Please check your local listings as times may vary depending on your cable or satellite provider.”

Post by Return To Zero.

What a day... Mother's day... beautifully hard...

Today I rejoice that I was blessed with such a dear sweet mama to raise me and my siblings...  I am sure we put her through the ringer at times, but she has always been very gracious, loving, helpful, prayerful, faithful, kind, hard working, compassionate... I could go on and on...
(couldn't help but post a sweet picture of my mom and siblings... oh the funniness that abounds in that photo)

My heart also rejoices that we too have been blessed with a wonderful mother who raised my wonderful husband... I know that much blood sweat and tears went into raising him to be the man that he is today... That does not go unnoticed by me... He is a wonderful loving husband and father and I know that we owe much of that to my mother in law...:)

My heart rejoices in these 7 precious kiddos who call me mommy everyday... They are the amazing miracles on this earth that I get to pour into, that keep me humble, that consume my time and energy and that love me inspite of myself each and every day... What a HUGE gift they are to me...

(I couldn't help but post a picture of me and sweet baby Lou... the little man that first made me a mommy... 16 years has changed me a bit... wouldn't change any stretch mark or wrinkle... they were all worth it!)

To be perfectly honest,  I have struggled all day with putting into words how I feel today...   There is an aching in my heart as well as a deep rejoicing...  While it is a beautiful day to honor our moms and rejoice for many reasons... Mother's Day can be a sort of in your face kind of day to hurting women... 

My heart aches for the women that long to be a mom and for whatever reason struggle with fertility issues... (I have been there... wondering if it would ever happen for me as year after year I waited)... It is extremely difficult to desire something so much, watch it happen for so many others, and just be let down month after month... My heart hurts knowing how many women are in that place today...

My heart hurts  for the women whose mom's are no longer living and they just wish they had one more day with them... one more day to pamper them... one more day to sit and visit with them... one more day to glean wisdom, caring and compassion from them.... there is no one else like your mama...

My heart hurts for the moms that maybe no one recognizes as moms because they don't have any living children...Oh... such a difficult place to be... knowing that you have children... they just aren't this side of heaven with you...

My heart aches for all the moms that miss their children because they carried them for almost 10 long months, went through all the nausea, felt every kick, hic cup, and movement... and then UNSELFISHLY chose adoption for their children... (where would I be today with out these precious women in my life??? the biological mamas to some of my babies...)

My heart hurts for all of the moms who have a piece of their heart in Heaven with their children... It doesn't matter if that life lived inside of you for just a few short weeks or lived with you in your home for many years... The ache of the empty womb or the empty chair at the dinner table can be a void like no other... And truly it doesn't matter if that child died 10 years ago or 50... that ache remains in some way... (just last week after an announcement in church about the start of our MEND Chicagoland chapter, an older woman came up to me to offer help... she said that she doesn't talk about her loss often (a child lost at about 25 weeks)  but that she still cries about it... 51 years later... That missing remains... and truly that comforts my heart... My babies lives mattered... and they will still matter when I am old and gray... 

Mother's Day can just be a beautifully hard day...

I am so thankful for the gift of all of my children that made me a mom... 

My heart bursts with gratefulness for my sweeties here on earth  with me (the ones I have given birth to... the ones other moms have given birth to and we have adopted, and the one we adopted and I was blessed to give birth too... Still amazes me how miraculously the Lord has brought me all of my children:) 

And my heart longs for my precious children in heaven... My beautiful dark headed chunky 9 lb. 2 oz. Samuel... Baby Joel we had hoped to adopt but was stillborn at 28 weeks... and sweet baby Taylor (lost to an early miscarriage... the kids picked his/her name... I love that they wanted to name that baby...)

My heart rejoices for the work Christ has done to make a reunion in Heaven possible, one that I look forward to every single day.

Mother's Day... and all of the feelings it brings with it for me... My journey to being a mom to all of my kids has not always been easy... in fact it has been down right amazing.... wonderful... beautiful... exactly as I wanted it to be... despairing... debilitating... full of wondering... daily surrendering... full of turmoil and longing... heart breaking... exactly as I NEVER would have wanted it to be...

If I could change it, would I???  Oh that is a hard question... Selfishly, yes... but ultimately NO WAY!  

Do I wish and long for Samuel to be a 5 year old snuggled in his bed upstairs??? For sure... but ultimately, earth would be so sad for him in comparison to the glory of Heaven... I wouldn't ever want to take that away from him... 

The Lord has blessed me abundantly by the big picture of His plan for our family!  Blessings I never could have imagined or dreamt up... 

Blessings that I certainly would have missed out on if children had come to me exactly as I had wished... He knows best... I am so thankful he carries us through those HARD HARD TIMES TO THE BEAUTY that can be on the other side when we rest in and surrender to His plan for us... 

So as my heart aches for all of the women in the situations listed above... I pray for them... Praying for the Lord to comfort them and sustain them... If any of you have any hurts or friends that are hurting, I would love to pray over those needs... feel free to comment or email me at hintzmom27@yahoo.com with any requests... It would be an honor to pray for you... 

Much love to you this Mother's Day 2014

Sort of a wake up call...

How did these 2 precious little men become these two grown up handsome men???
(notice the rock in Caleb's hand...and his mischievous grin??  I think he was ready to let it loose on someone at any minute... so typical of this ball/sports loving kid!!)

Yesterday was a slight wake up call for me... in a good way...

The 2 oldest boys of the house ventured out on their own on vacation... Off to visit dear family friends and youth friends in Oklahoma...

Strangely, I was excited for them yet, there was a part of me that just wanted to yell... COME BACK!!!  YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO GO!  :):)

Honestly, I know everyone says it... But how did this happen?   How did they go and grow up on me so quickly?   It is all happening WAY TOO fast for me:)  

I know this is all part of God's perfect plan for their lives to grow up and follow Him where ever He may lead...

(Daddy dropping them off at the airport this morning!)

With one having potential aspirations of overseas missions... this was sort of a wake up call to me...

  The time will come in the not too distant future to have to let them go bit by bit more and more.  I can't even imagine one of them leaving and getting on a plane for the other side of the world... for more than a short term trip... But God may call them to that and then call us to let them go...

(Whenever Louis leaves... he has to get a pic with all the kids)

As much as I treasure EVERY SINGLE one of my kids... As much as I love homeschooling them and getting to share so much of daily life and learning with them... I know I need to let go of the crazy expectations that I have at times and treasure who the Lord is growing them into each day!  

We all have our challenges and weaknesses, but God in His graciousness has blessed me with great young men to share my days with and I don't want to waste any of the precious time we have left together... 

It has me reflecting too on all that I want them to KNOW, experience, and care about before we set them free... How are we doing on all that?   It is a good refocusing time for me on what are the most important things we want to instill in them... 

It is frustrating sometimes... All the little daily grind things that can get in the way of what really matters... 

I am so thankful that they have this time away as brothers...

I am so thankful that they get to share special time with dear friends and make special memories...

I am so thankful that they are God's great gift to us... 

But I do miss them:):)

Growing up too fast...

Oh this boy wanted and needed a haircut...

He begged for a buzz...

I warned him... It is only May... how will you keep your head warm on chilly days???

Obviously my questions were dismissed pretty quickly...:)

Since I cut all the boys hair normally (Caleb actually did Jo's this time) 

We all decided to call this the noodle hawk... It was the thinnest Mohawk I have seen.

He wanted  to wait to finish the hair cut to make sure his papa had a chance to see it:)

The end product while Jojo hangs out with Isaiah and Noah our neighbor 

There is something about shorter hair that makes them look way older!! Crazy!!

What a HUGE help Jojo is with zader:)