ALMOST 3 YEARS....

Grief is a funny thing....
Grief is a awful thing...
Grief is a beautiful thing...
Grief is a crazy thing....

I have thought about this post numerous times... can I really post about this?   Can I really share my heart with openness and honesty... knowing that some will think that what I say is CRAZY?? 

Why do I share?
I share to literally have a way of remembering what I am thinking or feeling during these days... I know someday the memory may fade or the memories fail me... I want a way to remember...
I also share to help others.  I know most people will experience themselves or have someone close to them who experiences the pain of loss... Maybe somehow my words could help others in their time of pain...

I have always wanted to be real about the grief  that tears at your heart and life after you lose a child... I just want to be real about what it is like for me... I know every one's journey is different...

I remember in the early days of my grief being so thankful that the Lord had led me to some baby loss mama blogs about 8 mos. prior to losing Samuel... I know that was totally the Lord preparing me in a small way...

Grief can be a funny thing...
I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM ON THE VERGE OF ENTERING OCTOBER AGAIN!!!  As the weather cools a bit in the mornings... just my senses send me back to those early days... it is inevitable and sort of strange all at the same time...

Grief can be a beautiful thing....
My Jojo drew the above picture... I laughed when I first saw it and teased him saying, "Jojo, that must be you with the beard and Jesus next to you."  Right away he told me with determination in his voice, "No Mom, that is Jesus with the beard and Samuel next to Him in Heaven!"   So many mixed feelings... pride that this sweet boy remembers his little brother in the normal activities of life... sadness that having a brother die is even a part of this young boys life... JOY that He values his little brother and knows exactly where he is... Oh, my sweet Samuel and my sweet Jojo... brothers...

Grief can be a crazy thing...
A couple of weeks back when I had my procedure for my kidney stones done,  I had a bit of a difficult time saying goodbye to the kids.  There was a part of me that thought... what if I don't wake up, I have never been put under before... I couldn't help but pray, Lord bring me back to these sweet kiddos...

This is where the crazy and strange thing occurs... as much as I think about Samuel many times on any given day... I didn't remember consciously thinking of him that morning before my procedure...

When I woke up in the recovery area... the very first thing that came into my mind was the thought, "Oh no... I didn't get to see my Samuel again..."  Please don't get me wrong... I know that may sound strange... honestly there was a part of me that immediately thought,   Wow, Really?  This is my first thought?  I would have thought that my first thought would have been one of relief that I would be safely going home to Greg and the kids ... but as much as it is strange to admit, that wasn't my first thought....I first thought of him... my sweet Samuel in Heaven...

AND IT HURT... I immediately started crying... crying for him... crying for me... crying for missing him... crying for the shear fact that even when I am not necessarily consciously thinking of him, my self consciousness must be on Him... on Samuel...

That set me off for a day of just feeling down... of missing him all the more on top of the fact that I was feeling miserable...

Even almost 3 years later, I am still learning about this life long journey I am on here on earth... until that day when I can see my son again face to face...

There are sweet beautiful moments now when I think of him, when I feel a pang in my heart but yet it is mixed with a sweetness that has come from walking this path, a path that can't help but have me appreciate life and my loved ones differently.

 I am not going to lie, then there are still the times that aren't at all sweet... but just down right painful... Those times when the strangest of things throws me back to October 29th all over again, the sights, the smells, the fears, the despair, the deep deep empty sorrow as I clutched my very full belly... full of baby... but not a living baby anymore...The absolute terror as I thought of actually having to labor and deliver my son who would be limp and lifeless...   And then the absolute sorrow of doing just that...There are still those moments where I can't believe this is my life... Where I still wish things were different... Where I just miss him with a heartache that throws the lump in my throat, and the tears falling from my eyes now even as I write this...

I am so thankful for the shear strength and power of God to get me through those early days and the hard days now...

I am so thankful for His graciousness to literally CARRY me through...

And I am so incredibly thankful for the gift of life... for His Sovereign plan for our family.  As much as I NEVER in a million years would have written this all out the same way... I trust that His way is best... as much as it still hurts at times... I trust that He knows best...  He knows exactly what He is doing and allowing to enter into our lives...

I have been able to surrender to His will... and I am thankful for that... because let me tell you... I fought it long and hard in those early months... it was an extremely difficult struggle, all my own... a struggle I think I needed to go through... and it feels good to be on the other side of that...

But I still do have daily surrender it all to him... to continually lay it at His feet... because even now I struggle with the many layers of this grief onion so to speak... lay it down Sara, lay it down... I have to keep telling myself... I am so thankful that He can carry this burden for me... the burden of living with out my son...

He is good...
He is faithful... to carry me through this funny, awful, beautiful, crazy journey...