ALMOST 3 YEARS....

Grief is a funny thing....
Grief is a awful thing...
Grief is a beautiful thing...
Grief is a crazy thing....

I have thought about this post numerous times... can I really post about this?   Can I really share my heart with openness and honesty... knowing that some will think that what I say is CRAZY?? 

Why do I share?
I share to literally have a way of remembering what I am thinking or feeling during these days... I know someday the memory may fade or the memories fail me... I want a way to remember...
I also share to help others.  I know most people will experience themselves or have someone close to them who experiences the pain of loss... Maybe somehow my words could help others in their time of pain...

I have always wanted to be real about the grief  that tears at your heart and life after you lose a child... I just want to be real about what it is like for me... I know every one's journey is different...

I remember in the early days of my grief being so thankful that the Lord had led me to some baby loss mama blogs about 8 mos. prior to losing Samuel... I know that was totally the Lord preparing me in a small way...

Grief can be a funny thing...
I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM ON THE VERGE OF ENTERING OCTOBER AGAIN!!!  As the weather cools a bit in the mornings... just my senses send me back to those early days... it is inevitable and sort of strange all at the same time...

Grief can be a beautiful thing....
My Jojo drew the above picture... I laughed when I first saw it and teased him saying, "Jojo, that must be you with the beard and Jesus next to you."  Right away he told me with determination in his voice, "No Mom, that is Jesus with the beard and Samuel next to Him in Heaven!"   So many mixed feelings... pride that this sweet boy remembers his little brother in the normal activities of life... sadness that having a brother die is even a part of this young boys life... JOY that He values his little brother and knows exactly where he is... Oh, my sweet Samuel and my sweet Jojo... brothers...

Grief can be a crazy thing...
A couple of weeks back when I had my procedure for my kidney stones done,  I had a bit of a difficult time saying goodbye to the kids.  There was a part of me that thought... what if I don't wake up, I have never been put under before... I couldn't help but pray, Lord bring me back to these sweet kiddos...

This is where the crazy and strange thing occurs... as much as I think about Samuel many times on any given day... I didn't remember consciously thinking of him that morning before my procedure...

When I woke up in the recovery area... the very first thing that came into my mind was the thought, "Oh no... I didn't get to see my Samuel again..."  Please don't get me wrong... I know that may sound strange... honestly there was a part of me that immediately thought,   Wow, Really?  This is my first thought?  I would have thought that my first thought would have been one of relief that I would be safely going home to Greg and the kids ... but as much as it is strange to admit, that wasn't my first thought....I first thought of him... my sweet Samuel in Heaven...

AND IT HURT... I immediately started crying... crying for him... crying for me... crying for missing him... crying for the shear fact that even when I am not necessarily consciously thinking of him, my self consciousness must be on Him... on Samuel...

That set me off for a day of just feeling down... of missing him all the more on top of the fact that I was feeling miserable...

Even almost 3 years later, I am still learning about this life long journey I am on here on earth... until that day when I can see my son again face to face...

There are sweet beautiful moments now when I think of him, when I feel a pang in my heart but yet it is mixed with a sweetness that has come from walking this path, a path that can't help but have me appreciate life and my loved ones differently.

 I am not going to lie, then there are still the times that aren't at all sweet... but just down right painful... Those times when the strangest of things throws me back to October 29th all over again, the sights, the smells, the fears, the despair, the deep deep empty sorrow as I clutched my very full belly... full of baby... but not a living baby anymore...The absolute terror as I thought of actually having to labor and deliver my son who would be limp and lifeless...   And then the absolute sorrow of doing just that...There are still those moments where I can't believe this is my life... Where I still wish things were different... Where I just miss him with a heartache that throws the lump in my throat, and the tears falling from my eyes now even as I write this...

I am so thankful for the shear strength and power of God to get me through those early days and the hard days now...

I am so thankful for His graciousness to literally CARRY me through...

And I am so incredibly thankful for the gift of life... for His Sovereign plan for our family.  As much as I NEVER in a million years would have written this all out the same way... I trust that His way is best... as much as it still hurts at times... I trust that He knows best...  He knows exactly what He is doing and allowing to enter into our lives...

I have been able to surrender to His will... and I am thankful for that... because let me tell you... I fought it long and hard in those early months... it was an extremely difficult struggle, all my own... a struggle I think I needed to go through... and it feels good to be on the other side of that...

But I still do have daily surrender it all to him... to continually lay it at His feet... because even now I struggle with the many layers of this grief onion so to speak... lay it down Sara, lay it down... I have to keep telling myself... I am so thankful that He can carry this burden for me... the burden of living with out my son...

He is good...
He is faithful... to carry me through this funny, awful, beautiful, crazy journey...

505th post...

 

 This is pretty much what the family looked like when I started blogging...sigh... time passes too quickly for me...

 Picture taken out behind St. Paul's right before we left for the seminary...  Oh it was hard to leave... but God was so faithful and knocked our socks off with sweet friends at the seminary:)

 Our family of 7... oh how we miss that little boy each and every day!!

 The day after we picked up our Hope... Look at those cheeks:)

Our family now... notice Hopie's little Samuel lamb:)

We are so blessed!

Wow, the days seem to be flying by right now... I think that they might even be moving more quickly if I didn't have this constant ache in my side from the stint that will be sitting inside of me for at least the next month... it could be soooooo much worse...:)

I sort of thought that maybe for my 500th post I would post 50 things that people may not know about me... then time got away from me and here we are on the 505th post... and really I am not sure I could come up with 50 or if anyone would even want to know 50:)  Oh well....

I have always thought it would be fun to have a diary, but NEVER got around to writing one.  I do love writing and with all that has happened in our lives over the last 5 years... blogging has been the perfect thing for me to help me get things off my chest, process all that has gone on, and most of all to be able to reflect on God's faithful hand in our lives through it all:) 

And besides that, (I know this will sound strange to any of you out there who don't blog) I have made some really special friends from my blog...

I even found our donor mom for Levi from a blog... I am so thankful for this crazy tool and how God can use even blog world to accomplish amazing things for His glory...

6 MONTHS...

 THIS SWEET BUNDLE OF LOVE...

 WHO MAKES OUR HEARTS SWELL WITH JOY...

 WHO MAKES US ALL WANT TO LAUGH AND GIGGLE WITH HIM....

IS 6 MONTHS OLD!!!

Oh my goodness, this little man just makes my heart melt. 

There are so many moments where I feel like I am just bursting inside with thankfulness for the opportunity to be his mom.

There was a part of me that thought that I would never be the mother of a baby again. 

I am so thankful to God for giving me this sweet precious little one to love. 

He is a miracle, our miracle... and we feel so blessed!

Levi Ryan is such an easy going guy.  He just goes with the flow...

His first 2 teeth just broke through this week and he barely fussed.

He is rolling all over the place.

In the morning the older kids all sort of fight to see who can get him out of bed... he is just so dog gone cute... greets you with a smile every time.  Usually, we all end up going in to get him:)

We are loving life with this sweet little man... so thankful for the 6 months of life we have shared with him...God is so good and gracious!



AT HOME:)

Can I just say... I love my bed:)

And can I also say that a 6 inch stint is not really "little"  OH MY GOODNESS!:)

I busted up laughing at the fact that it will stay in there for at least a month and that they can take it out in an office visit.... ARE YOU KIDDING ME???:)  They weren't :(

I am at home recovering...

All in all, I feel pretty good...

I was more nauseous than I expected... and this is going to be TMI but...
going to the bathroom is way more painful than I thought it would be and hurts far more than any kidney stone that this northern girl has ever passed ... still waiting to pass the fragments they blasted the stones into today... hmmmm I wonder how long that will take:)

I had a surprising thought (to me) enter my mind  the first thing after I woke up in recovery... we will see if I share about it in the near future or not... not sure...

They weren't sure if they got it all, they will be able to tell when they do a scan a month from now... so we will see if we have to back for round 2 or 3...

Greg and I laughed at all the funny things the guy next to me in recovery was saying... needless to say, I think he had just had a vasectomy done...:)  Funny... is that bad?  We totally weren't eavesdropping, you couldn't help but hear it:)

Ok, going to lay back on the couch and snuggle with my littlest boy... and probably the rest of the kiddos too...  Thanks for the prayers friends!

SWEET TIMES

Today I had the most precious moment.  I was on my back porch TOTALLY enjoying the cooler weather.  Hope and Jojo were out running the yard in just a t-shirt and undies.  Anna and Caleb were doing school with me.  Louis was inside working on Math... and sweet Little living breathing Levi was sound asleep in my arms.  It was absolutely perfect.  After hurting so badly, it is so precious to have such joy in my heart!!!  God is so good!

Tomorrow morning we go in early to the hospital for my procedure to be done with my kidney stones.  Honestly, I am a  little nervous.  I have never really been put out before.   I know God is in control and His will be done.  I will try to update and let you know how it all goes....  I really appreciate our prayers that all goes well tomorrow. 

The weather is finally cooler.. Thank you Lord.  It is such a relief to me to be able to sit out back and do school and just feel a cool breeze versus the 105 degree breeze we were feeling not too long ago... Thank you God for the seasons:) 



FRESH GRIEF...:(

This morning I got a call from the sweet young lady right here in my town whose precious daughter was born without a heartbeat just 3 weeks ago.  When we got together a couple of weeks ago, I told her, "You call me anytime, day or night, I mean it!" 

And she did just that, and I am so thankful for it... When I picked up the phone, I could hear her few words, between her tears, " I  miss my baby, I want my baby." 

Oh my heart breaks for this young 21 year old girl.  I remember those days so unbelievably clearly.  I remember the utter despair and torment that overtook me many times.... really most of the time.    I remember feeling like NO ONE understood what I was REALLY feeling... or thinking (which was even worse at times)...

So this morning I jumped in the car and met her for coffee in our little town... although we couldn't find a coffee shop open.  We just sat in her car and talked.   It is crazy, she is almost 1/2 my age...yet I feel a closeness to her, just because we share the same heartache.   I can't imagine going through losing Samuel at that age... It makes me so sad for her, the blissfulness of pregnancy that is gone for her now.  It makes me so sad that she doesn't have the distraction of other kids at home.

We talked a lot about the guilt you feel as a mom that you couldn't protect your baby.  We talked a lot about how much differently a daddy feels when they lose their child... We just talked... I ache for her, knowing how much different she will be as a person as a result of losing her daughter. 

I can tell she is a super special girl...  I find myself just loving what a sweet girl she is and wanting to take her pain away... it is so hard... I know that there is no way I can... no one can.  Only the Lord can soften the edges of her breaking heart so help to heal her in time.  I am so glad that He brought her into my life...

Please be praying for Katie if you think of it... the road ahead is a long difficult one that is for sure... But God is faithful... I know He will carry her though it... He already had carried her through the first 3 weeks...

3 weeks closer to Heaven Katie, 3 weeks closer...

Look who is growing up:)

THIS LITTLE SASSAFRASS I BELIEVE HAS GOTTEN CLOSE TO MASTERING THE USE OF THE BIG GIRL POTTY... WOOHOO GO HOPIE!:)

WE ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE HER IN THE FAMILY...

SHE IS SO AFFECTIONATE... SHE ALWAYS HAS A HUG FOR YOU AND SO OFTEN, OUT OF THE BLUE, TELLS US THAT SHE LOVES US. 

SHE REALLY IS GROWING UP...

SHE TALKS LIKE CRAZY...BIG WORDS... BIG SENTENCES FOR A 2 YEAR OLD. 

SHE HAS GOTTEN SO MUCH TALLER.

WE LOVE YOU HOPE JUBILEE... SO PROUD TO CALL YOU OUR OWN...

FAMILY CAMP

 LEVI CHILLING AT FAMILY CAMP...HE IS SO YUMMY!

 JOJO AND ELLIE STAYING WARM IN THE MORNING AFTER THE COOL FRONT CAME IN... PRAISE GOD FOR COOLER TEMPS FINALLY!:)

FIRST WORD... QUIET TIME TO START THE DAY ON THE RIVER...

We are all exhausted after our first Family Camp experience at camp Lutherhoma.  We had sooooo much fun.  We were there with 3 other families from church, the Armors, Fausts, and Dinkelmans, and a whole bunch of other people that we didn't know before, and were totally blessed by our time together.  Greg had to leave to get back to church to preach, but I was so blessed by the other families ALWAYS pitching in to help me with the kids while he was gone.  We were so happy to have him return:)

It was an immense treat to have our food cooked for us, dishes done, etc... That was one of the best parts for me. It was so nice to have that little break.  The camp staff was amazing.  The were such servants and had the best attitudes ever.   Anna and Jojo literally had tears over leaving and having to come home.  All of the kids are already talking about going back next year. 

The camp activities were a ball, but totally wore us out:)  Jojo was especially impressive on his funniest jump in the pool during the family pool Olympics and Caleb, Anna, and Louis did great at the minute to win it games.  We had some good laughs... it was just tremendously nice to get away and be together even if it was just for a couple of days. 

Thanking God for good friends and great family time together.  Back to the grind tomorrow.  Actually we are starting our very first day of home school coop... It should be exciting! 

THE VERDICT IS IN ON THE KIDNEY STONES... YIKES!

So I finally got into a doctor about my kidney stones.  I had an ultrasound done 5 years ago that showed that I had multiple stones in each kidney.  With moving to seminary and then Samuel and the usual craziness of life, I never had things rechecked. 

While I was pregnant with Levi I probably passed at least 8 kidney stones.  So I figured there is no better time than the present to look back into things.

Well, the cat scan I had last week showed that I have 3-4 large kidney stones, probably around the size of Greg's pinky fingernail in one kidney and probably some small ones in the other kidney... The big ones are obviously too big to pass.

So the plan is for me to have lithotripsy done in a couple of weeks.  They will have to put me under, but it will be done out patient.  The plan is to blast those little babies and then put a stent in to hopefully allow the fragments to pass more easily.  The doctor said that he foresees having to do it a few times before they are all blasted... ugh!  I am a little nervous... 

I will have to pump and dump because of the meds I will have.  Levi, is not a good bottle taker.  In fact Greg is working on one right at this moment.  He thought that I would have to give him a bottle for a couple of days.  I know this might sound silly to some, but I LOVE nursing and am praying that this won't cause any permanent disruption to our nursing.  It is my favorite cuddle time with him:)  I know God has it under control that is for sure... I am also praying that I don't have any complications with the procedure and passing the fragments afterwards...

So hopefully we will get rid of these things once and for all:)  And then figure out why I form them and hopefully put an end or slow that process down too...  I will keep you all posted:)

Thought I would leave you with a pic of my sweetest little guy:)  I could cuddle up to him and soak up his sweet smell and soft skin all day long...

I am still so in awe of God's miraculous gift to us in the life of this sweet little guy!