BLESSINGS...

Please pause the playlist on the bottom right of my blog so you can be blessed by this beautiful song...


Wow...what a song...

I was so struck by the last few lines of this song by Laura Story...

What if my greatest dissapointments or the aching of this life...
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life...
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights...
are your mercies in disquise...

I know 2 years ago I could not have read those words with out being angry... but the Lord has brought me to a new place in this journey and I am thankful!

I tell you I look at my precious Levi and I am completely overcome by the faithfulness of our God to bring us through these last 2 1/2 years...

I am completely overcome by the selfless gift of our donor mom to let us adopt her 7 sweet little embryos...

I am completely overcome by the power of our God to create life again from what was frozen for 5 years...

I am completely overcome by the love of God to create life again in me to a part of my heart that I was not sure would ever be reawakened...

These days are filled with so so so much joy... but at the same time there is a new realization of the pain of losing Samuel. Seeing Levi, nursing Levi, hearing his first cry, watching his brothers and sisters loving all over him are all reminders of things that we never got to experience with Samuel. My heart is overcome with joy for getting to experience all of this with Levi... yet at the same time overcome with sadness for what we missed with Samuel. I rest in knowing that God's will is perfect... but I still miss my Samuel.

When I look into the dark gray blue eyes of Levi I am totally overcome with love for this precious little person. I can not tell you how much I love that little boy... He is such a gift, miracle and BLESSING in our life... I am blown away!!

Many times over the past 2 years people have said to me... "If Samuel would not have died, you never would have adopted Hope" That has never sat well with me... We got Hope over a year after Samuel died... We had always wanted to adopt, could the Lord have allowed us to have Samuel and still adopt Hope? I truly believe anything is possible if God wanted it to happen... Obviously that wasn't the case... but I still like to think that He could have if He wanted to...:)

But when I look at Levi and the long string of miraculous events that led up to him being a part of our family... I am overcome with feelings of wondering if God could've have allowed Samuel to live, us adopt Hope and still have Levi... it seems less probable to me...

Would we have ever considered embryo adoption had Samuel lived? I sort of think we would have just done a domestic or international type adoption... but most likely not an embryo adoption.

There are times I look at Levi and almost feel like Samuel almost had to die to allow this turn of events to get Levi here... Does that make sense? Any one who has more than one child knows that your love for each of your children is monumental, HUGE, almost impossible to be measured... I look at the possibility of having Samuel or having Levi... It would be totally impossible for me to choose... The love I have for both of them is equal, and fierce... like a mama bear...

Though surrendering to His plans in the moment can be difficult, it brings me such peace to know that God's plans always have a purpose, that He knew exactly what was happening when Samuel's heart stopped beating on October 29th 2008 and He knew exactly what was happening when Levi's heart started to beat last July 2010. He is in control... and I am SOOOOO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT!

I also think of our donor mom... I know that she and her husband probably would not have given their embryos up for adoption had he not passed away. I can not tell you the feelings that evokes for me. I have been crying the whole time as I heard this song, have been writing this post, and whenever I think about this all in regards to Levi's life.

I know the pain of losing my son. I don't know the pain of losing my husband... I can't really imagine... well I guess I can, but I know it is probably so much worse than what I can imagine. I know that is what it was like when Samuel died... as bad as I had ever thought it would be to lose a child, it was far worse. The thought that someone had to go through the loss of their dearly loved partner and husband to allow this plan to come to fruition is almost to much to take in at times.

Yet there again, I rest in His promises, His plans, Him being in control. Neither the donor mom, nor our family would have ever imagined being on this journey or this path... Yet this is where we find ourselves. And on our end of the experience we are blessed with the MOST AMAZING gift... the most precious gift of a child, Levi... again I am blown away!

Levi means united... God united our families here on earth to bring this precious little guy here. And I know He will reunite us with Samuel and her with her husband someday in Heaven. He is so gracious.

Don't get me wrong, I know that having Levi here will not take away the grief or the missing of Samuel, I am sure that will always remain in my heart. But I am so very thankful for the continued healing He brings through the tears and the blessings He allows into our lives...

I honestly, am overcome that God would see fit as to bring beauty from the ashes, gladness from the mourning, and peace from the despair in our lives...

I am overcome with thankfulness that I can actually say that after all we have been through that His ways are best, they may not make sense to us, they may hurt like crazy to go through, they may not even end the way we want or maybe they will... but I know that our Savior knows what He is doing and He will sustain us through it all...

He is good...
He is faithful...
He is in control...