LUMP IN MY THROAT

CAN I JUST TELL YOU HOW INCREDIBLY HARD IT WAS TO CHANGE THE PHOTO ON MY HEADER... I COULDN'T JUST REMOVE THE PHOTO WITH SAMUEL AND THE OTHER KIDS ON IT... I JUST MOVED IT TO THE SIDE... IT IS ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PICTURES... WHO KNOWS, MAYBE I WILL PUT IT BACK UP AT SOME POINT... HUGE LUMP IN MY THROAT... CROCODILE TEARS ARE FLOWING... WHY DO THESE FEELINGS STILL CATCH ME OFF GUARD 2 1/2 YEARS LATER?... MAYBE IT IS A SIGN OF PROGRESS IN MY HEALING... NOT MOVING ON (RIGHT TONYA?:) JUST MOVING FORWARD... ONE HARD STEP AT A TIME... THINKING OF MY SWEET 5TH BORN... AND WONDERING WHAT HE IS DOING IN HEAVEN RIGHT NOW WHILE I AM THINKING OF HIM... SO MUCH WONDERFUL JOY IN MY HEART... SO MUCH MISSING... ALL AT ONCE... SO THANKFUL FOR FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND THIS JOURNEY... SO THANKFUL FOR A GOD WHO WROTE THIS STORY... OUR FAMILY'S STORY...LEVI'S STORY... SAMUEL'S STORY... TRUSTING YOU LORD IN EACH WONDERFUL AND GUT WRENCHINGLY HARD STEP OF THE JOURNEY... THANK YOU LORD FOR WALKING IT WITH ME!!!

SOME OF OUR HOSPITAL VISITORS:)

MY PARENTS WERE HERE HELPING WITH THE KIDS AND BROUGHT THEM UP TO MEET THEIR LITTLE BROTHER RIGHT AFTER HE WAS BORN... MY DAD CLAIMS HE GOT LEVI'S FIRST SMILE:) LEVI HAS ONE OF THE MOST EXPRESSIVE LITTLE FACES, AWAKE OR ASLEEP... IT IS ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS AND SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH...

MEET CHRISTY...SHE IS THE CHARGE NURSE ON THE FLOOR I STAYED FOR 7 WEEKS. SHE CAME IN AND TOOK PICTURES DURING THE DELIVERY.... SHE GOT SOME AMAZING PICTURES THAT I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE. WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MOMENT YOURSELF YOU JUST CAN'T SEEM TO TAKE IT ALL IN, SO NOW WE HAVE IT ALL ON FILM TO NEVER FORGET THOSE PRECIOUS MOMENTS LEVI ENTERED THIS WORLD.

FOR ALL YOU CHRISTIAN MUSIC LOVERS OUT THERE... CHRISTY NOCKEL'S (FROM WATERMARK) DAD IS CHRISTY'S (MY NURSE) PASTOR... DID THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? SHE WAS SO SWEET... ALWAYS TRYING TO REASSURE ME AND ENCOURAGE ME WHEN SHE WOULD POP BY MY ROOM:) DURING MY 7 WEEKS THERE.

THIS IS MY SWEET FRIEND SHELLEY FROM OUR SMALL GROUP... SHE WAS ALWAYS BRINGING BY COFFEE ICE CREAM, SANDWICHES, AND SNACKS WHEN I WAS CRAVING SOMETHING... LUCKY FOR ME SHE ONLY LIVES ABOUT A MILE FROM THE HOSPITAL. SHE ALSO BROUGHT THE MOST DELICIOUS FRIED PICKLES TO ME AFTER LEVI WAS BORN... I THINK SHE STARTED A NEW "SECRET ADDICTION" FOR ME WITH THOSE FRIED PICKLES:)

SHE WAS ALSO INCREDIBLY SWEET TO BRING UP A LOAD OF BLUE BALLOONS FROM OUR SMALL GROUP AS A WAY TO REMEMBER OUR SAMUEL ON THIS SPECIAL DAY THAT LEVI WAS BORN. WE WERE ABLE TO WRITE ON THEM AND RELEASE THEM... (JOJO SENT THE SWEETEST LITTLE MESSAGE TO SAMUEL ASKING IF HE KNEW THAT LEVI WAS BORN... MY MOM SAID THAT HE INSISTED ON MAKING SURE HE GOT TO RELEASE IT AND SEND IT TO SAMUEL. )

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO KNOW OTHERS WERE REMEMBERING AND THINKING ABOUT SAMUEL TOO...

TRICIA AND HANNAH, ALSO FROM OUR SMALL GROUP... WE ARE GETTING READY TO WELCOME LITTLE JACKSON, TRICIA'S BABY IN ABOUT 7 WEEKS... WE ARE SO THRILLED FOR THEM AND ARE PRAYING FOR THE LORD'S PROTECTION ON THAT LITTLE GUY UNTIL HE ARRIVES:)

THE TIEWS GIRLS:)...

IT WAS SO SPECIAL FOR ME TO HAVE THEM THERE THAT DAY AS WELL. LULA WAS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON BESIDES OUR FAMILY, DR'S AND NURSES, TO SET EYES AND HOLD OUR SAMUEL THE DAY HE WAS BORN. IT WAS SO SPECIAL TO HAVE HER THERE TO HOLD LITTLE LEVI TOO.

I AM NOT SURE OTHERS REALLY GET ALL THAT GOES INTO THOSE MOMENTS THAT WE SHARED WITH SAMUEL... BUT SHE KNEW...SHE FELT IT TOO...

AS STRANGE AS IT MAY SOUND, IT IS ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS TO BE ABLE TO SHARE LEVI WITH HER... IT IS LIKE A HUGE VICTORY FOR US ALL... I KNOW VICTORY SOUNDS STRANGE.... I KNOW IT IS MORE LIKE SHARING A HUGE MIRACLE AND BLESSING.... BUT AFTER THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS IT FEELS LIKE A HUGE VICTORY TOO:)

GOD IS SO GOOD!

WE HAD LOTS OF OTHER VISITORS TOO. I AM NOT SURE WHO HAD THE CAMERA AND WAS SNAPPING PICTURES, BUT I AM SO THANKFUL THAT THEY DID... I WAS JUST SITTING TAKING IT ALL IN... THE BLESSINGS OF THAT SWEET SWEET DAY THAT LEVI WAS BORN!

AGAIN GOD IS SO GOOD!

A FEW LAST PREGNANCY PHOTOS...

I HAD TO INCLUDE AT LEAST ONE OF THE SWEET LITTLE BUG:)

HERE IS ONE CORNER OF ROOM 630, MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME FOR 7 WEEKS... THE NURSES ALWAYS GOT A KICK OUT OF ALL OF THE KIDS PICTURES AND NOTES ON THE WALLS:)

A NOT SO GREAT PICTURE OF ANNA AND I OUTSIDE ON ONE OF MY WHEELCHAIR RIDES.

GREG AND I ALWAYS LAUGHED WHEN THEY WOULD BRING THIS WHEELCHAIR TO MY ROOM FOR RIDES... WE CALLED IT THE GHETTO CHAIR, AND TALKED OF EQUIPPING IT WITH SOME NICE FUZZY DICE:)

I wanted to get a few of these last pregnancy photos up...

As much as I couldn't wait to have the Levi here... I do miss being pregnant...

Now that I see him outside of the womb, he isn't a big mover or a wild mover. It makes sense that I didn't feel huge movements from him inside either. It is strange to me that as much as he changed from head up to head down those last few weeks and even the last few days, I still can't believe that I couldn't feel those big movements.

Right now, he is snuggled in his daddy's arms while the kids finish up some tres leche cake someone from church made us... YUMMY!

The boys and Greg just got back from a late soccer tournament game in town. It was freezing out so I stayed home with Levi and Hope. I really love going to the games, but not when it is cold, windy, and misty out.

I actually wanted Greg to build a fire tonight, but since they were all gone maybe we can do it tomorrow night. I sort of feel like I got jipped out of all my cozey fires this past winter being in the hospital for that time:)

This is totally off topic, but has anyone ever printed off their blog into a sort of memory book to have for their family. If anyone has done that I would love any tips or info on how to go about doing that...

We are all looking forward to Greg being home with us a few days this week... Yay, some much needed time together. Treasuring these times:)

BLESSINGS...

Please pause the playlist on the bottom right of my blog so you can be blessed by this beautiful song...


Wow...what a song...

I was so struck by the last few lines of this song by Laura Story...

What if my greatest dissapointments or the aching of this life...
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life...
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights...
are your mercies in disquise...

I know 2 years ago I could not have read those words with out being angry... but the Lord has brought me to a new place in this journey and I am thankful!

I tell you I look at my precious Levi and I am completely overcome by the faithfulness of our God to bring us through these last 2 1/2 years...

I am completely overcome by the selfless gift of our donor mom to let us adopt her 7 sweet little embryos...

I am completely overcome by the power of our God to create life again from what was frozen for 5 years...

I am completely overcome by the love of God to create life again in me to a part of my heart that I was not sure would ever be reawakened...

These days are filled with so so so much joy... but at the same time there is a new realization of the pain of losing Samuel. Seeing Levi, nursing Levi, hearing his first cry, watching his brothers and sisters loving all over him are all reminders of things that we never got to experience with Samuel. My heart is overcome with joy for getting to experience all of this with Levi... yet at the same time overcome with sadness for what we missed with Samuel. I rest in knowing that God's will is perfect... but I still miss my Samuel.

When I look into the dark gray blue eyes of Levi I am totally overcome with love for this precious little person. I can not tell you how much I love that little boy... He is such a gift, miracle and BLESSING in our life... I am blown away!!

Many times over the past 2 years people have said to me... "If Samuel would not have died, you never would have adopted Hope" That has never sat well with me... We got Hope over a year after Samuel died... We had always wanted to adopt, could the Lord have allowed us to have Samuel and still adopt Hope? I truly believe anything is possible if God wanted it to happen... Obviously that wasn't the case... but I still like to think that He could have if He wanted to...:)

But when I look at Levi and the long string of miraculous events that led up to him being a part of our family... I am overcome with feelings of wondering if God could've have allowed Samuel to live, us adopt Hope and still have Levi... it seems less probable to me...

Would we have ever considered embryo adoption had Samuel lived? I sort of think we would have just done a domestic or international type adoption... but most likely not an embryo adoption.

There are times I look at Levi and almost feel like Samuel almost had to die to allow this turn of events to get Levi here... Does that make sense? Any one who has more than one child knows that your love for each of your children is monumental, HUGE, almost impossible to be measured... I look at the possibility of having Samuel or having Levi... It would be totally impossible for me to choose... The love I have for both of them is equal, and fierce... like a mama bear...

Though surrendering to His plans in the moment can be difficult, it brings me such peace to know that God's plans always have a purpose, that He knew exactly what was happening when Samuel's heart stopped beating on October 29th 2008 and He knew exactly what was happening when Levi's heart started to beat last July 2010. He is in control... and I am SOOOOO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT!

I also think of our donor mom... I know that she and her husband probably would not have given their embryos up for adoption had he not passed away. I can not tell you the feelings that evokes for me. I have been crying the whole time as I heard this song, have been writing this post, and whenever I think about this all in regards to Levi's life.

I know the pain of losing my son. I don't know the pain of losing my husband... I can't really imagine... well I guess I can, but I know it is probably so much worse than what I can imagine. I know that is what it was like when Samuel died... as bad as I had ever thought it would be to lose a child, it was far worse. The thought that someone had to go through the loss of their dearly loved partner and husband to allow this plan to come to fruition is almost to much to take in at times.

Yet there again, I rest in His promises, His plans, Him being in control. Neither the donor mom, nor our family would have ever imagined being on this journey or this path... Yet this is where we find ourselves. And on our end of the experience we are blessed with the MOST AMAZING gift... the most precious gift of a child, Levi... again I am blown away!

Levi means united... God united our families here on earth to bring this precious little guy here. And I know He will reunite us with Samuel and her with her husband someday in Heaven. He is so gracious.

Don't get me wrong, I know that having Levi here will not take away the grief or the missing of Samuel, I am sure that will always remain in my heart. But I am so very thankful for the continued healing He brings through the tears and the blessings He allows into our lives...

I honestly, am overcome that God would see fit as to bring beauty from the ashes, gladness from the mourning, and peace from the despair in our lives...

I am overcome with thankfulness that I can actually say that after all we have been through that His ways are best, they may not make sense to us, they may hurt like crazy to go through, they may not even end the way we want or maybe they will... but I know that our Savior knows what He is doing and He will sustain us through it all...

He is good...
He is faithful...
He is in control...

LEVI'S BIRTH STORY!!

DADDY AND HIS BOY:)

SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THIS PRECIOUS GIFT.... FINALLY IN MY ARMS!!

OUR GREAT DOCTOR...

AHHHHH.... TO FINALLY HEAR THAT PRECIOUS CRY!!

OUR FIRST FAMILY PICTURE WITH LEVI:)

I have to say right off the bat that God was more gracious than I could have imagined the day we had Levi...

I do also want to say that being a previous doula and natural childbirth instructor this post may give too much information... but I will try my best to make it child friendly as I know my sweet nieces will be reading:)

LEVI'S BIRTH:

They put me on a low dose of pitocin Sunday night because they figured he was head down. They continued to bump that up just a little each hour over night and then at 5 am they were bumping it up by bigger increments each half hour. I had such a hard time sleeping overnight... but I think I managed to get in a few hours. I think my mind was totally on overload and the contractions were probably 5 minutes apart, but were totally manageable.

My wonderful doctor came in around 7 and right away asked, "They did scan you last night to make sure he is head down right??" I told him that they hadn't for some reason. He did that right away and confirmed that Levi was indeed head down. I was so thankful that God did the turning and we didn't have to even venture down that path...

I was around 3-4 cm so he tried to break my water. Greg and I had to laugh because I notoriously have a strong bag... Honestly it took probably 5-10 minutes for him to break it... And even then he wasn't sure he had gotten it... but with time and a few contractions it was quite obvious that he had gotten it done:)

I know that I said it before, that because of my total concern over Levi and the pregnancy in general that I hadn't really prepared for the labor and delivery itself. I really went into it just praying that God would help me make the right decisions as far as pain meds and everything. I have had natural births that were beautiful before and epidural births that were wonderful too. I wasn't sure what I could handle with the pitocin and really I was more concerned about how I would be emotionally this go around.

That being said, I got an epidural around 10:30 am. I was 5-6 cm. dilated. I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured the labor would go quickly seeing as it was our 6th delivery. But I have never been induced this early at 37 weeks. In fact all my babies have been after my due date, from one day late to 12 days late. This was just sort of slow and steady the whole time.

One major blessing was that Levi's heartrate was really stable for the most part. We only had one time where he was having some decels during and after the contractions... man it seemed to get way too slow for my liking, but they were still ok with it. They did have me switch sides and then he liked that much better. Besides that short bit... he had a strong steady beautiful sounding heart beat the whole time. That was such a gift from God as I could hear that he was doing great in there:)

Around 1:00 p.m. my doctor came in to check on me. I was 8 cm. dilated. He left to do another delivery. Around 2:40 ish the nurse check me and said I was complete. This is where I am just in awe of how God allowed things to work out so beautifully for me.

The nurse asked me to give a little push and when I did she told me, "STOP... don't push, don't sneeze, don't cough... we saw the baby's head." She called for the Doctor to come back over. He was just in his office which is attached to the hospital. He rushed over.

(I distinctly remember with the birth of Samuel when they said I could push, I totally broke down... I just couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to meet him knowing he wasn't alive. Greg prayed for me and then we heart breakingly pushed and delivered our still son)

This time was SOOOOO VERY DIFFERENT! When my doctor came in, the nurse quickly told him that he NEEDED TO HURRY, that the babies head was coming. I clearly remember my doctor saying if he didn't get gloves on he was good. I remember asking Greg to pray... and he just snuggled right up to my ear, grabbed my hand and prayed for Levi and me. Literally I didn't even need to push, his little head just slipped out. I gave the tiniest push for his shoulders and out he slid. It was so very peaceful. It was absolutely perfect. And then we heard that beautiful cry... it was music to my ears...

God was so gracious to make this its own beautifully wonderful experience for Greg and I. I have ALWAYS said over and over again... that Levi is his own precious person... totally separate from our Samuel... but I feared for how Samuel's birth would affect me this go around. Honestly, in the moment it wasn't even an issue. Levi's birth was so healing for me. I couldn't have dreamed for it to go any better. God showed His faithfulness to us in such a precious way on Levi's birthday and I am so grateful!

The only thing that could have been an issue with Levi's delivery was that I had a small abruption that probably occured minutes before he was born. Basically that is when a part of the placenta separates before it is supposed to. In our case it was fine because we were already delivering then... but if you have a complete abuption prior to delivery it can be catastrophic for mom and the baby. We are so thankful that it was just small and that it occured when it did where we could be exactly where we needed to be had it caused any complications... which it didn't at all, to Greg and I, there just seemed to be a bit more blood than usual.... praise God for His protection!

They put him right up on my chest and Greg and I just marveled at how small and perfectly created he was. I have to tell you the minute I saw him... from the very first second... he just totally felt like our baby. There was not one single feeling different for me than the other 5 I have delivered. All the worry and fear for Levi's life that I had over the last 9 months, totally disappeared in that instant. I had wondered if when it was born it would feel any different than my other kids because he was an adopted embryo and not genetically ours... but honestly even now if it weren't for the fact that I am completely in awe of God's miraculous work in Levi's life to get him to us as an adopted embryo... I would have to remind myself that he isn't genetically ours.

I look at him and he looks like the other kids... Our donor mom has said on more than one occasion that Levi looks like me. I think that is so funny and wonderful at the same time. God is so good to do that all, it is like a cherry on top for me.

So that is the story of the day that our precious Levi entered this world. I am so thankful that God wrote it for us... I could not have had it go any better if I tried... He is so good to us!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greg and I went out tonight to hit Walmart and get a bite of dessert with the little guy! We talked over many heavy things. I am so thankful to have such a loving and supportive husband. Due to circumstances, Greg was only able to get off the day that Levi was actually born. He is such a hard worker and I am so grateful for that... but I have missed him like crazy. This is not at all how we thought the last week would go... but God has been faithful there as well, to provide the listening ear of friends when I needed them when Greg just could not be available. And truly I am really fine with that. I know that his job is one where sometimes things just come up and there are other circumstances that have to take priority. I know we are all looking forward to being able to spend some long overdue time together celebrating that Levi is here safe and sound. Having a baby in the house has been a long time in coming:)

There are so many emotions that have come up since having Levi... it is like emotional overload at times for me. I am sure that the hormones don't help either:) I will try to post about that soon.

My mom leaves this Wednesday... we will all be sad to see her go. She has been an unbelievable help to us all. At this point, I am not quite sure how it will go with her gone... I know it won't be long and we will get into a new groove. I am thankful to have older kids that can help out so much.

But for right now... we are savoring every precious moment we have together. I am not sure that there are enough hours in the day for all of us to get in enough loving on this little guy!

SO MUCH TO SAY... SO LITTLE TIME:)

A SWEET LITTLE WELCOME HOME BANNER FOR OUR BOY:)

SEE, LEVI IS HAPPY TO BE HOME TOO:)

SNUGGLE TIME WITH LOU...

FOR SOME REASON THE COMPUTER IS ACTING UP A BIT AND NOT LETTING ME CENTER THINGS. WE HAVE ACTUALLY HAD A REALLY BUSY WEEK...

I WANTED TO GET SOME PICTURES UP AND I WILL UPDATE THIS POST HOPEFULLY LATER TODAY WITH SOME OF WHAT WE HAVE BEEN EXPERIENCING THIS WEEK...

THE OTHER PASTOR AND HIS WIFE, FROM OUR CHURCH ARE ON THEIR WAY OVER. THEY ACTUALLY HAD THEIR 2ND BABY THE SAME DAY AS LEVI JUST A FEW HOURS LATER... CRAZY THING!!

GOING TO FEED LEVI BEFORE THEY GET HERE... CAN'T WAIT TO UPDATE... I HAVE SO MUCH I HAVE BEEN FEELING, SO MUCH JOY OVERFLOWING IN MY HEART...

I TRULY DON'T FEEL WORTHY OF THIS INCREDIBLE GIFT...FROM OUR DONOR MOM AND OF COURSE GOD~!

I CAN'T HELP MYSELF:)

I CAN'T HELP MYSELF FROM POSTING A FEW MORE PICTURES OF LEVI...

I HOPE TO GET HIS BIRTH STORY UP IN THE NEAR FUTURE...

EVERYTIME I LOOK AT THIS PRECIOUS LITTLE FACE, I AM TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY BY THE HANDIWORK OF OUR GOD... CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS LITTLE PUMPKIN WAS A FROZEN EMBRYO FOR 5 YEARS??? IT IS MIRACULOUS TO ME...

I KNOW I KEEP SAYING IT... BUT I AM BEYOND BLESSED TO BE A PART OF THIS MIRACLE BOY:)

Pictures are below the last post....

Hey friends,
I had a few people ask where the photos were...

Here is another example of my great computer skills... not really:)

They are below the last post where I posted just the stats of Levi's arrival...
Sorry for the confusion...

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THEM:)


We plan on going home tomorrow afternoon sometime...

OH MY GOODNESS... HOME AFTER 50 DAYS IN THIS PLACE!!!

PRAISE GOD!!! LEVI IS DOING JUST GREAT AND WE HAD AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS DAY TOGETHER THE 2 OF US... REALLY I FEEL LIKE I AM STILL DREAMING. IT SOUNDS SAPPY, BUT IT IS TOTALLY TRUE!!! Greg had to get ready for 2 services that he has to do tomorrow...

We can't wait to go home and be a full family again... Will Levi be ready for the party to begin:)?? It is going to be wonderful!

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!!
ENJOYING THIS PRECIOUS BLESSING TO ITS FULLEST!

SCROLL DOWN 2 POSTS TO SEE A FEW PICS OF LEVI...

PRAISE GOD... HE IS HERE:)

I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS HAS TAKEN SO LONG....

I WILL POST A LITTLE LATER TONIGHT, BUT RIGHT NOW SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE FED...

LEVI RYAN HINTZ WAS BORN TODAY AT 2:56PM.

6 POUNDS 8 OUNCES.... 19 3/4 INCHES LONG...

OUR HEARTS ARE OVERCOME WITH COMPLETE JOY AND PEACE...

HE IS ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS AND A COMPLETE MIRACLE AND GIFT FROM GOD!

WE HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH VISITORS AND HE WAS IN THE
SPECIAL CARE NURSERY TONIGHT TRYING TO MAINTAIN HIS TEMPERATURE...

PLEASE PRAY THAT IS NON ISSUE FROM HERE ON OUT...

WE ARE REVELING IN THE GIFT THAT LEVI IS TONIGHT.... I WILL TO POST SOME PICTURES LATER!!!

A FEW PICS OF LEVI

I sort of had to laugh at Lou's little cover up there for Levi... I made a mistake in the last post... he was actually born at 2:58:) He is really long and has sort of thin legs and arms... He feels like a little feather in my arms...

It took him about 45 minutes to open up his eyes and look at us... And he looks absolutely precious and different with his eyes open... I could literally eat him up!!!

I really wasn't that pale... I think Lou did some funky editing on this pic... see eyes closes again:)

I LOVE THE JOY, WONDER ON AND EXCITEMENT ON THE KIDS FACES AS THEY SAW AND WERE DISCUSSING LEVI FOR THE FIRST TIME AFTER SEEING HIM...

LOUIS EDITED SOME OF THESE AND PUT THEM UP FOR ME... WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE NEW FANDANGLED PHONES SO WE WILL HAVE TO WAIT TO GET HOME TO PUT UP ONES THAT WE AS MOM AND DAD REALLY LOVE OF LEVI:) WHO AM I KIDDING WE LOVE THEM ALL:)


I WILL TRY TO POST A BIT ABOUT HIS BIRTH WHEN I GET A CHANCE... BUT IT MAY BE A FEW DAYS... I WANTED TO GET UP SOME PICTURES FOR YOU ALL... IT IS FUNNY, I THINK HE ACTUALLY LOOKS PRETTY DIFFERENT THAN HE LOOKS IN SOME OF THESE PICTURES. THAT VERY FIRST NEWBORN LOOK... I LOVE IT AND IT GOES AWAY SO FAST... I AM SAVORING IT, KNOWING HE WILL LOOK DIFFERENT ALREADY IN A FEW DAYS... SIGH!!


I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I AM OVER THE TOP IN LOVE WITH HIM... HE MAKES ME JUST MELT LOOKING AT HIM... AS MUCH AS HE ISN'T GENETICALLY OURS... HE TOTALLY SEEMS LIKE HE IS TO ME... HE TOTALLY FITS IN AND LOOKS KIND OF LIKE LOUIS TO ME AS AN INFANT...

HE HAS THE TINIEST BUTTON NOSE:)

HE IS REALLY LONG, BUT KIND OF THIN...

HE HAS THE MOST PATHETIC BUT ADORABLE TINY CRY...

(YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER BOTH JOJO AND SAMUEL WERE 9.6 AND 9.2... THEY SEEM HUGE IN COMPARISON TO HIM:)

ALL THE KIDS WERE THRILLED TO SEE AND HOLD HIM... AND HOPE REALLY DID WELL, I WAS SORT OF WONDERING HOW SHE WOULD REACT TO HIM... :)

HE IS PERFECT TO ME AND FOR ME:) I LOVE SEEING HIM IN HIS DADDY'S ARMS...

HE HAS A FULL HEAD OF HAIR...

NURSING HIM IS LIKE PURE BLISS FOR ME AND PRAISE GOD HE IS DOING REALLY WELL WITH IT SO FAR.

HE HAD TO GO TO THE SPECIAL CARE NURSERY TONIGHT... THIS MAMA HAD HER FIRST MELT DOWN SO TO SPEAK... MY EMOTIONS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE... HE WAS ABLE TO COME BACK SHORTLY THERE AFTER... HE WAS HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING HIS TEMP UP... BUT IS DOING BETTER WITH IT TONIGHT! THANK YOU GOD! WE ARE PRAYING THAT CONTINUES... THANKS FOR PRAYING FOR THAT WITH US.

TRULY IT FEELS TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE THAT HE IS ACTUALLY FINALLY HERE. WHAT A MIRACLE OF GOD WE HAVE BEEN A PART OF WITH HIM... I LOVE GOD'S CREATIVITY IN SHOWING US HIS POWER AND LOVE FOR US!

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE HIS BIRTH STORY WITH YOU SOMETIME SOON...GOD WAS SO VERY GRACIOUS TO ME:)

I CAN NOT THANK YOU FOR PRAYING SO FAITHFULLY FOR THIS LITTLE GUY!

SUNDAY NIGHT UPDATE

It is 11:40 and Greg and I are just chilling watching some TV before we try to get a little sleep. The nurses think that most likely he is head down at this point... (There was some confusion on doing an ultrasound tonight... I KNOW that was the plan... but apparantly they would have had to call the doc on call in for that... so instead of doing that they just checked to see if it felt like he is head down. Needless to say, he isn't engaged being as he is stilll turning from head up to head down all the time... so it wasn't easy to feel where he was at position wise... that was no fun:(

I so have to say that I have spent so much time trying not to get my hopes up that I really have not prepared for labor at all. This leaves me a little more worried than normal. And of course Samuel's birth leaves me with its fair share of concern. I have already had one good cry. Greg and I prayed together and I am feeling better right now. I think because I haven't really spent anytime preparing for the birth itself... I truly can not believe that we are at that point and in the labor process:) CRAZY!!


I am really thankful that he was head down... Praise God that we didn't have to make a decision on whether or not to try to turn him... the decision was made for us:) Yay God!

We will try to update at some point tomorrow:)

Can't wait to meet our Levi soon....

ONE LESS HOUR TO WAIT... YAY FOR DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME:)

MY SWEET NURSE JUST CAME IN AND SPRUNG MY CLOCK FORWARD AN HOUR... ONE LESS HOUR TO WAIT TO MEET MY BOY LEVI:)

I JUST HEARD A VERY LITTLE BABY SCREAMING IN THE HALLS... THAT HASN'T HAPPENED TOO OFTEN SINCE I HAVE BEEN HERE WHICH IS SURPRISING SINCE -I AM IN THE POSTPARTUM AREA... I HAVE BEEN THANKFUL TO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT NON-STOP... ONLY BECAUSE HEARING MY NEWBORN BABY'S CRY HAS BEEN SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN LONGING TO HEAR FOR THE PAST 2 1/2 YEARS... GOD HAS BEEN GRACIOUS:)

I HAD A LOT OF CONTRACTIONS TODAY... THEY KEPT ME ON THE MONITOR LONGER EACH TIME BECAUSE I WAS CONTRACTING MORE THAN WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE TO SEE... BUT SINCE THEY DIDN'T HURT MUCH, AND THEY WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP THEM, THEY EVENTUALLY JUST TOOK ME OFF LATER. THEY ARE STILL COMING EVERY 7-8 MINUTES... BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK IT IS REAL LABOR... JUST BRAXTON HICKS SINCE THEY AREN'T GETTING ANY CLOSER OR INTENSIFYING AT ALL.

HERE IS WHERE WE ARE AT... AT THIS POINT. AS FAR AS WE KNOW HE IS HEAD UP SINCE THE BPP ON THURSDAY. SO THE PLAN IS TO TAKE ME DOWN TO LABOR AND DELIVERY TOMORROW EVENING SOMETIME. THEY WILL DO AN ULTRASOUND SOON AFTER I GET THERE TO DETERMINE HIS POSITION. IF HE IS HEAD DOWN THEY WILL START ME ON A LOW DOSE OF PITOCIN JUST TO HOPEFULLY KEEP HIM THERE SO THAT HE DOESN'T MOVE AGAIN OVER NIGHT:)

THEN THEY WOULD TURN UP THE PITOCIN IN THE EARLY MORNING LIKE 5 AM. WE WOULD SEE WHERE I AM AT WHEN DR. W. COMES IN MONDAY MORNING AND WE WILL GO FROM THERE.

IF HE IS HEAD UP WHEN THEY DO THE ULTRASOUND TOMORROW NIGHT THEY WILL JUST WAIT AND SIT ON IT TILL MORNING. THE DOCTOR FEELS VERY COMFORTABLE WITH TRYING AN EXTERNAL VERSION (TURNING LEVI TO HEAD DOWN) ON MONDAY MORNING WHEN HE COMES IN. G AND I ARE NOT SURE HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THAT. IF WE DON'T TRY THAT THEN WE WILL BE SET FOR A C-SECTION, HOPEFULLY MONDAY MORNING.

HONESTLY, I DON'T AT ALL CARE HOW IT HAPPENS, I JUST WANT HIM HERE SAFE AND SOUND. I DON'T WANT THE RECOVERY OF A C-SECTION, BUT IF THAT IS WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED I AM TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.

HERE ARE SOME PRAYER REQUESTS:

PLEASE PRAY THAT I DON'T GO INTO LABOR BEFORE THEN... THE DOC ON CALL THIS WEEKEND IS THE SAME SWEET DOCTOR (AHEM.... KIDDING) THAT I HAD THE NIGHT WE COULDN'T FIND LEVI'S HEARTBEAT... HE IS NOT MY FAVORITE AND PROBABLY THE LAST DOCTOR I WOULD WANT TO DELIVER LEVI...

PLEASE PRAY THAT LEVI IS KEPT SAFE THESE LAST HOURS AS WE WAIT FOR MONDAY TO ARRIVE.

PLEASE PRAY FOR GOD TO PREPARE OUR HEARTS AS A FAMILY FOR ALL WE WILL FEEL AS WE WELCOME LEVI INTO THIS WORLD...

PLEASE PRAY FOR GOD TO PLACE HIM IN THE VERY POSITION HE WANTS HIM TO BE IN FOR DELIVERY.

PLEASE PRAY FOR WISDOM AND SKILL FOR THE DOCTORS AS THEY WORK TO BRING LEVI HERE SAFE AND SOUND.

THANK YOU.... THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS!

I THINK I WILL TRY TO UPDATE TOMORROW NIGHT AFTER THE ULTRASOUND ONCE WE KNOW WHAT POSITION LEVI IS IN ...

OH MY.... I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE WE ARE HERE AT THIS POINT... THANK YOU LORD!

GOD'S FINGERPRINTS THROUGH EMBRYO ADOPTION... MY HEART SWELLS...

TONIGHT MY HEART SWELLS AS I THINK OF THE WEEK AHEAD...

WILL I REALLY BE HOLDING MY BABY BOY IN MY ARMS WITHIN THE WEEK?


TONIGHT MY HEART SWELLS AS I THINK OF SOME EMAILS I HAVE SHARED WITH THE DONOR FAMILY THIS PAST WEEK...

THIS WHOLE EMBRYO ADOPTION HAS HONESTLY BEEN A MIRACLE FROM DAY ONE...
(IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER SOME OF THOSE EARLY DETAILS YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IF YOU GO BACK TO MY JULY AND AUGUST POSTS FROM LAST YEAR 2010)

I SEE GOD'S FINGERPRINTS ALL OVER THE WHOLE THING... AND THAT HAS GIVEN ME GREAT PEACE...

LAST WEEK I GOT AN EMAIL LETTER FROM THE DONOR DAD'S MOTHER... HER SON RYAN, THE DONOR DAD OF LEVI, WENT TO MEET HIS PRECIOUS SAVIOR JUST 4 1/2 MONTHS BEFORE OUR SAMUEL. IT REALLY WAS SUCH A SWEET LETTER, AND TRULY I HAVE TRIED TO PUT MYSELF INTO THE DONORS FAMILY SHOES MANY TIMES... THIS TOOK ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO HEAR HER TALK OF HER SON, LEVI'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

I LOVED THAT SHE SAID THAT SHE LOVES SHARING THE STORY OF LEVI WITH OTHERS AND THAT IT IS A TESTIMONY OF OUR INCREDIBLE GOD AND THE CREATIVE WAY HE DEMONSTRATES HIS LOVE... THAT IS SO TRUE... I NEVER COULD HAVE DREAMED OUR FAMILY STORY WOULD INCLUDE THIS PRECIOUS BABY BOY BEING ADOPTED AS AN EMBRYO:)

MY HEART RELATES TO HER AS WE BOTH HAVE LOST OUR DEARLY LOVED SONS...
MY HEART REJOICES WITH HER THAT BECAUSE OF HER SON THIS PRECIOUS BOY HAS HAD LIFE HERE ON EARTH... WILL BRING GLORY TO HIS HEAVENLY FATHER... AND HAS AND WILL BRING HEALING TO PARTS OF OUR HEARTS THAT I THINK MAY HAVE ONLY BEEN ABLE TO BE TOUCHED BY SUCH A MIRACLE... MY HEART IS AMAZED!!


I ALSO HAVE SHARED SOME PRECIOUS EMAILS WITH THE DONOR MOM. WE FOUND OUT FOR SURE THAT JOJO WILL BE A YEAR OLDER THAN LEVI ACCORDING TO CONCEPTION DATE:) JOJO WAS A LITTLE WORRIED THAT HE WAS YOUNGER:) SO THAT MEANS THAT LEVI WAS FROZEN FOR ALMOST EXACTLY 5 YEARS... AMAZING ISN'T THAT? IT IS HARD TO WRAP MY MIND AROUND THE POWER OF GOD TO GROW THIS LITTLE GUY NOW 5 YEARS LATER:)

I GOT TO SEE PICTURES OF THE DONOR MOM'S TWINS WHEN THEY WERE A FEW WEEKS OLD.... OH... MY....GOODNESS.... THEY WERE JUST PRECIOUS, THEY STILL ARE!! WHEN THE DONOR MOM WAS ASKED HOW SHE FELT ABOUT LEVI'S BIRTH GETTING SO CLOSE. SHE SAID THAT SHE FELT LIKE A GOOD FRIEND WAS HAVING A BABY AND SHE WAS EXCITED FOR HIM TO ENTER THE WORLD. SHE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM. SHE SAID OF COURSE LEVI WILL HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN HER HEART, BUT THAT GOD CONTINUES TO GIVE HER GREAT PEACE ABOUT IT ALL AND THAT SHE KNOWS THAT GOD HAS HIM IN THE RIGHT FAMILY.

SHE HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART BECAUSE OF HER GIFT OF LEVI TO OUR FAMILY...SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IN LOSING HER HUSBAND AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE... HER MATURITY AMAZES ME AND WHEN I THINK OF HER AS LEVI'S BIOLOGICAL MOM I HAVE TOTAL PEACE...HER SWEET WORDS MADE MY HEART SWELL...

THIS ROAD OF EMBRYO ADOPTION IS SO AMAZING... I AM ASTOUNDED BY GOD'S GOODNESS TO ALL OF US AND HIS ABILITY TO BRING BEAUTY FROM ASHES TO 2 FAMILIES HE CHOSE TO BRING TOGETHER TO GIVE LIFE TO THIS LITTLE GUY...


ANOTHER BPP TOMORROW... I AM SO THANKFUL THAT THIS LAST WEEK OF PREGNANCY IS PASSING BY QUICKLY AS WE WAIT FOR NEXT MONDAY... WE ARE DAILY TRUSTING IN GOD'S WILL AND HIS PLAN FOR OUR FAMILY:) THANKS FOR PRAYING WITH US:)

TO PROCLAIM THE YEAR OF THE LORD'S FAVOR AND THE DAY OF VENGEANCE OF OUR GOD, TO COMFORT ALL WHO MOURN, AND PROVIDE FOR THOSE WHO GRIEVE IN ZION- TO BESTOW ON THEM A CROWN OF BEAUTY INSTEAD OF ASHES, THE OIL OF GLADNESS INSTEAD OF MOURNING, AND A GARMENT OF PRAISE INSTEAD OF A SPIRIT OF DESPAIR. THEY WILL BE CALLED OAKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, A PLANTING OF THE LORD FOR THE DISPLAY OF HIS SPLENDOR.
ISAIAH 61:2-3

SOME PROJECTS, UPDATES AND A PRAYER REQUEST

Here are two of my crochet accomplishments since learning off of You Tube while I have been in the hospital. I made one like the green one for Levi and then Louis asked that I make a boy and girl one to put in the teen auction this Sunday at church... so that kept me busy for a bit:) Didn't my precious hubby do a good job picking out yarn for me:) I had some good laughs trying to guide him through the yarn aisle by phone... the process was pretty fun, but I think the end result turned out ok. This yarn was sort of hard to work with because you can't see your stitches real easily... but in the same breath... it also really hides your mistakes:)

Levi's BPP turned out just fine yesterday. Only 2 more BPP's before he is born...YAY! The ultrasound tech spent a lot of time just looking at his face for fun... OH my I know I am totally bias, but goodness does he look like a cutie pie. He actually looks sort of chubby in the face. I can't wait to get my hands and lips on those precious cheeks:) His non stress tests have been fine too. I have had to stay on longer at times because of contractions... but they have always fizzled out, which is great, and honestly I slept through some of them:)

I got the chance to talk with my sister just a couple of days ago. I wanted to ask you all to pray for her friend Susan. I have prayed for Susan and her family off and on for years. My heart continues to hurt for her as her family seems to continually be bombarded with challenges and trials. She has a 10 year old son Ben who is wheelchair bound and has Cerebral Palsy. This past year he has had trouble with repeated severe seizures that he has had to be hospitalized for. Please pray that they figure out how to get those seizures completely under control. Her husband lost his job and they have numerous other health issues within their immediate family. Just a few weeks ago they found a tumor on Susan's thyroid gland. She will be having surgery on the 14th, the same day we are set to have Levi.

Would you please pray for God's healing touch on her body, and the rest of her family. I am praying that the Lord would strengthen her each day and that He sustains her as she faces yet another trial. Please pray that if it is the Lord's will there wouldn't be any cancer there. Obviously, I hate that she is going through this all, but a part of my heart is glad to be able to pray for someone else. I am glad to be able to take my eyes off of myself and put them on the needs of others too, especially on the day that Levi will hopefully be born. Susan, please know this mama's heart will be praying in earnest for your mama's heart:)

If anyone else has any prayer needs, please leave them in the comments and I can focus on praying over them this week... if you rather leave it privately you can always email me at gshintz@yahoo.com

Thanks for lifting up Susan and her family before our Heavenly Father... much love all!
GOD IS STILL GOD... AND GOD IS STILL GOOD!

HERE COMES THE HONESTY...

This may not be at all what people want to read or hear... but it is the gut level truth...

As a pregnant mom just 12 days out from meeting her newest son, her 5th son, face to face... there are a very wide range of feelings and thoughts that are present for me right now.

I want to FIRST AND FOREMOST make sure I let you all know how overwhelmed I still am with joy over the fact that God allowed us to conceive this special, amazing and miraculous little baby boy Levi.

I have feelings at times where I am totally overcome with imagining what it will be like in 12 days when he is born...

First I have real fear over his birth. I want it to be beautiful, peaceful, joy filled. Yet in my heart I don't know where my emotions will be at considering my last experience delivering Samuel was FULL of some pretty traumatic memories. I do not know that I will be able to separate the two fully. Just like many people who have a serious car accident may have some difficulty getting in the car and driving again... I fear giving birth again.

At times, I will sit and can not help but let me mind go to the beautiful precious places of what it might be like to snuggle this precious little boy, to soak in his newborn smell and precious peach fuzz on his face, watching my kids see Levi for the first time, nursing my sweet little guy...All those beautiful warm fuzzy things most people anticipate with such joy.

Then there are totally conflicting times where I almost want to kick myself for letting my mind go to those places where I feel it could be a reality for us. I have had many friends who have literally lost babies hours before their scheduled C-sections...HOURS... Knowing full well, that I do not know God's plans for Levi's life or ours for that matter... it is a matter of surrendering my will to His! I know that His plan may be for this sweet little guy to live a long life with us, and that is the great desire of our hearts... but I need to surrender also to the fact that God's will may not be for that to happen... As much as that would totally break my heart all over again, I would need to surrender to His will if that is the case as well.

There are times like this morning when it takes them 10 minutes to find him on the monitor. Meanwhile the nurse is nonchalantly chatting about her kids $35,000 smile. In my head i am thinking, please just find the heartbeat and we can talk for as long as you want about whatever. But at the same time I just want to scream, "please take him now, he is still alive!" There is a little bit of controlled chaos going on in my mind right now. It wears me out sometimes.

This is sort of a side note... I know I am having all of these sort of conflicting emotions, that I really haven't shared with many at all... I wonder about the kids. Louis has requested that we wait to get all the baby stuff down until Levi is born. We do have some clothes for the first few weeks that we had set aside over a year ago in case we got a drop off baby through our adoption agencies... but all the rest is still boxed up in the attic where we put it the weekend after Samuel died. Last night Jojo stayed up here at the hospital with me while the bigger kids and Hope went to a friends house while Greg had a meeting up at church. At one point he was overjoyed because I had told him that Levi's birthday would be the day after his. He said, "This is the best day of my life." We continued to talk about when Levi may arrive and of course he stated, like he normally does, "I hope Levi gets to live."

Not but 3 minutes later he was just sobbing saying how much he misses Samuel... We spent quite a few minutes talking about it. I never mentioned anything about Samuel, it was all him. I know they are all processing Levi's upcoming birth in different ways... it will be extremely interesting to see how they all do when he is born. I pray that it is a healing and totally different experience for them compared to Samuel's birth.

I also have struggled a bit with wondering how I will feel emotionally after Levi comes. I have had friends warn me or tell me that they are already praying for me regarding that. As much as I know that Levi will NEVER replace Samuel in anyway... I know that just looking this precious baby in the face will evoke feelings I am not sure how I will handle. I know it will bring my loss of Samuel probably right to the surface. I will, Lord willing if all goes well with Levi, be experiencing everything that I didn't get a chance to experience with Samuel. As much as I will be TOTALLY thrilled to be experiencing all of that with Levi, I know realistically that there may be a part of that, that will be so hard. (Please know that I will never take Levi being born healthy for granted, I would be overjoyed... but yet I know there may be more emotions present as well.)

These are my thoughts on that, I know that many will not be able to understand all of that. I know that may make people uncomfortable. I know that people will just want me to be happy. But for me, this is all part of the journey that the Lord has me on. I NEVER asked or desired for the loss of a child to be a part of my life. But this is the path the Lord has us on. I have always prayed for him to lead me and guide me through each day in this journey of life, whether it is a grief filled day, joy filled day or a mix of both.

I really want this birth and experience to be what the Lord would desire it to be. I want to feel fully all that He has for our family to feel and experience through this... that is how He works. I know that Levi's birth could bring great healing to us... but I also know that sometimes you really have to go through that pain to get to that place of healing. Sometimes you have to go through the muck and mire before He places your feet upon the rock to stand firmly. I want our family to be fully open to what the Lord may have planned for us in this whole experience.

My prayer is that even though I know others may not understand all that fully... I just pray that those that will surround us would be understanding and non judgemental in how we journey through the next 12 days and beyond that. That the Lord would remind their hearts that you can not judge how someone walks the path they are on, especially if they haven't walked in their shoes. And that they would deal with us mercifully, no matter how we are feeling at times.

I thank God for the sweet dear friends that have already acknowledged Samuel amidst these last days of waiting and have even told me that He will not be forgotten in the days when Levi arrives. Unfortunately, these ladies either live out of town or will be out of town most likely when he comes... but it is nice to know that even from afar they will be celebrating Levi's birth, if all goes well, and crying tears with me knowing the wide array of emotions I will be feeling in those days and moments.

Ok, enough rambling on and on... it is just a lot to think through and process... Thank you for praying for some of those specific things. I also would love for you to pray specifically with me that Levi would be a mover in the morning. My specific prayers have been that the Lord would allow him to move in the night when I awake and move quickly in the morning when I get up for good. There are many mornings... he won't move for at least 40-60 minutes ... I really try not to panic and I usually find his heartbeat right away on my home doppler... but I would love to just feel him move right away when I awake over the next couple of weeks. I know that may sound so specific and silly, but it would do my heart good:) Thanks friends. I will keep you posted... another BPP tomorrow....


Blessings to you all!