I just got off the phone with my sweet (blog in real life:) friend Tonya at www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com What a sweet conversation we had. I absolutely treasure and am so very thankful for the friends I have made through the loss of Samuel. These are friends that truly understand the road I have walked and continue to walk as we expect this precious little miracle next March. It was just nice to receive encouragement and understanding from someone who has lived it too. (She just had Matthew back in July, and had lost Grady not quite 2 weeks after we lost Samuel) I think back to my brief, but oh so special visit with her and Ebe last January on our way home from Florida... She was so brave to take on my crew and I for a night, when we had never met in person... I will always treasure the memories of that special night we had getting to meet in person.
So much is going on here with Christmas and church activities, yet at the same time I am thrilled that we are not making any more travel plans. As much as I LOVE spending some of the Christmas time with family in far away states... I am a bit worn out this go around and I treasure the fact that of not planning another vacation, leaves us with so much more time just to focus on Christmas, Jesus' birth and being together. The older boys did remind me before bed that tomorrow morning is St. Nick's and that Jojo was expecting some surprises in his stocking in the morning.
I am the world's most boring stocking stuffer... Nuts, an orange, apple and pomegranate, and a few chocolates... I must confess I ate Hope's pomegranate tonight, is that bad or what??? ... I am kind of hoping she won't notice... it would have been far too messy and I think she can share off the older kids... I just had such a craving:)
As far as new little baby boy goes... he does have a name... we both love. And I am thrilled with it. I love calling him by name. I am not sure if I will share it on the blog till he arrives but who knows:) We had an ultrasound last Thursday and all looks great. He was measuring just a couple days larger than expected. I don't know why, but in my head I am just thinking... grow baby boy grow!!! I am at about 23 weeks and feeling more consistent movement... He is usually pretty quiet in the morning and that can be a bit unnerving (as that was just what happened with Samuel when I first noticed no movement) but usually within a couple of hours he starts to get busy in there and I love that:)
Please know that I often think of those still trying to conceive and my heart just aches for them. I know how easily this Frozen embryo transfer could have turned out differently for us. I do not take a day for granted while this little one is safe , healthy and alive inside of me. I know that God is sovereign and I trust Him and His plans, but I know too how hard it is for one to sit by and watch person after person, many of which aren't even trying to conceive, announce their pregnancies so carefree like, and be blessed with healthy babies, as your heart is longing for the same.
Life is hard... I get that. A few things I am thinking about with this little one.
My heart is rejoicing that we have made it this far. I think about our embryo donor mom so often. I am so incredibly thankful for her gift to us. I know that I can't fully comprehend all that she must feel in regards to this little guy. But I also wonder if she can fully comprehend what this little boy means to us all ... how much we love him already... how often the kids and G and I thank God for him in our prayers... Sometimes I feel like my heart could explode that God has blessed us with this miracle gift. I am just so grateful.
While there is such excitement in our home, there is still fear. I know that fear is not from the Lord. It has been a while since I have had a moment of heart gripping fear. God has been faithful to calm my heart. At the same time there is the constant struggle of balancing the hope with reality. Louis asked me a couple of weeks ago if we were going to get down all of the baby stuff, and the bassinet. He didn't want to have to put it all away if for some reason this baby didn't come home to live with us. (Since we had hoped to adopt, and didn't know if we would get a drop off newborn, I never put the baby clothes up in the attic. It is all clean and in little containers in Anna and Hope's closet. So all that needs to be done, is to put the baby girl clothes away and wash up the boy stuff)
I struggled with knowing how to answer Louis. Part of me knows we have bags already packed for the hospital, that we had just in case we got a call from the adoption agency. (Is that bad that I never officially unpacked those?) And that after the baby arrives Greg can easily get all the other stuff down at a moments notice. Then, there is the other part of me that wants to do it up big... paint the extra bedroom, get it all set as a nursery. I have such mixed up feelings at times. I am a very practical person and know that Hope is still in the crib so practically speaking she may still be in it when this guy arrives... so that may all have to wait... See can you tell how back and forth I am:)
Well, I will leave you with a verse, I don't think I have posted before... I have clung to this verse for the last couple of years... hoping that some day it would apply to me...
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
There have been so many times of feeling surrounded by the wilderness and wasteland in the last 2 years. Praise God he is doing new things in our hearts and lives... He is growing this new baby... totally separate from Samuel... totally separate from Joel... totally separate from our adoption journey with Hope. But yet they are all a part of what He has walked with us through these past 2 years. They are all a part of the story He is weaving throughout our family. Tonight I am so thankful for these streams of water in the wasteland... God is good! He always is... regardless of what is going on around us.