Balloons continued

I had to laugh at Jojo's balloon message to Samuel. Going along with his whole "I love you more than a rock Mom" comment the other day... He said he loved Samuel more than a bird. What a cutie pie.

OUR BALLOON RELEASE

The kids all wanted to write messages on balloons and send them heavenward. It was so incredibly windy... they really just blew east, but then seemed to lift off.

I have to say I have a lot of mixed emotions now that we are past a full year with out our son. There were many amazing little notes that I received, gifts that were delivered, or friends that I was able to talk with over the last couple of days. I will try to either post some pictures or tell you a little bit more about them in the next week.

Just a few thoughts a couple of days later. Actually, today I think I feel worse than the last 2 days... why... I have no idea. I know I had friends praying me through the last few days... it feels kind of like Christmas... you know how you can be kind of depressed when all the hoopla is over with? I don't really mean depressed just kind of the let down after all the anticipation... it feels a little like that for me. I am not at all meaning to say that the last 2 days were a party... they weren't but I think you may be able to follow what I am saying.

Thursday which would have been the day we found out Samuel had died just a year later, was actually a really nice day. I was completely struck by the fact that I didn't really feel like I was reliving it. That is how I thought I would feel, like I was reliving it all day. And of course I did have thoughts that morning thinking... "Yeah, this was about when I called Greg home from work worried sick that something might really be wrong with the baby, this was when we went to the Dr. and were told the heart beat was great...(It was really my heart beating exceptionally fast)... I could go on and on. The thing I was struck with though was that it didn't really feel that much different than the 365 days before.

One thing I have been since day one of this journey of grief.... is real. (The only time I haven't been would be if I clearly could tell people really didn't want to know how I was doing, or if I knew the reaction I would get would just cause me further pain.) Other than that, I have been open and honest about how it feels to lose your child. If it struck me in Walmart and I cried there... then so be it. If I would start to cry during communion, where I know I am communing with all the saints gone before... (thus communing with my son, that makes me feel close to him) then I let the tears fall... When it hits me I let it hit me and go with it. I haven't stuffed it, I have grieved fully when I have needed to.

With that grieving fully and deeply comes the reliving of the whole experience. I guess those that stuff things maybe don't really relive the experience all that often... when it comes up they push it off or just don't let themselves go there. But I haven't done that, and quite honestly, I have thought about the memories of that day and how it all went down soooooo sooooo many times. I think for the first 3 months, I truthfully thought about it all the time. And since then I relive the memories of those days at least a few times a week, sometimes a few times a day. So to relive it all a whole year later really didn't feel that much different to me.

I think that has been one of the blessings of grieving fully when I need to, just that this one year anniversary of losing Samuel was not as bad as I thought it would be. The anticipation of the 2 days was actually worse for me. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of tears shed by all of us. When we watched the video that our photographer had made for us yesterday, (I still want to try to post that on here as well at some point. She did such a beautiful job... still am trying to figure out how to do that... not the smartest with the computer that is for-sure) we all just sat on the couch crying. Poor Anna was a real mess. We discussed all the precious things we remember about him and our time with him. It is so hard to go there. We still just miss him deeply, and it still hurts so much. Our hearts are still broken that we don't get to spend this life with him. You know we have gotten used to the fact that he really isn't here, but we still miss what life with Samuel would have been deeply. I am not sure that will ever go away. There will always be someone missing from our family memory making.

Thursday, Greg and I were able to go out for lunch together to our favorite, cheap, hole in the wall, Chinese restaurant. A friend watched the kids and we got some time to talk. He took off that day, and Friday is usually his day off. It was a great comfort to me, just to know that he would be here. That was really nice. Then we took the kids to see the new movie Astro boy. It actually was really good, I of course was so tired I couldn't help falling asleep during it. Then this will sound crazy, but we had a gift certificate to Babies R Us that we received for our shower for Samuel a year ago. It was going to start to lose value... so we headed over there and got something for the baby we hope to bring home through adoption or biologically if the Lord would see fit to bless us in that way. It kind of felt good. I know, that may sound a little twisted, but I let myself go there, look at the baby clothes, walked the store, picked out what we wanted and left... all on Samuel's birthday. I just had a lot of peace that day. Really it was almost strange, kind of like the day we buried Joel, there was unexplainable peace. It was a really a miracle to me, and I was so incredibly thankful to God for that.

Friday was much rougher... again, I have no idea why. We pretty much just hung out all day, slept in late, went for a run and got ready to have friends over. We did our balloon release and watched our video. I think it was the reality of just seeing our time with him on that day. Those are such precious memories to all of us. We all talked about what we remember of him, what we miss about him. It was just nice to talk about him.

We were so blessed to have some dear people who have meant so much to us this past year join us for cake. We had our friends the Tiews... Lula was the only other person to hold Samuel and they watched the kids when we had Samuel. Grandma Bottom was able to come, she is like family to us. The Dinklemans, our new friends from Sweden, they have just embraced us fully as new friends. I often think, wow, they knew what they were getting into with us as friends, they knew we were and are in the midst of sorrow and they took us on exactly where we are... that is a gift. And the Odom girls came over. Carla, has been one or those few who put their own feelings aside to be what I needed when I needed it. She was one of just a couple of people who came and sat with me, just to talk, let me let things out that first 1/2 year. We will be forever grateful to them for all they have done for us here in Tulsa over the past year. They wanted to see the video, so all the adults watched it together. I love sharing my son with people... even though I know seeing pictures of a family with their stillborn son isn't normal, it is all a part of who we are, and it is so nice to be able to be who we are with people who want to know more about Samuel. That is a gift to us.

It is strange looking back on the last year. There have been people who I never would have expected to come forward to walk this grief journey with us. That has been such a beautiful thing, to see old friends, friends from around the country where we have lived prior, rally around us. There has been the amazing blessing of completely new friends through my support group or blog land that have also had losses and completely get me. And there have been many disappointments, people who we would have expected to be there and offer support, who haven't... Friendships or relationships that you would have thought would have grown closer, have actually been distanced. It is all just so interesting to me. Disheartening at times, weird and uncomfortable at other times and amazingly beautiful at other times. All in all I would just say it is hard, very hard.

So as we head into year 2 without our son... we are thankful. Thankful that we survived, really that is how I feel. I look back and think I survived a year... how many more, Lord? We managed to have food on the table, keep the house somewhat in order, managed to home school, managed to laugh and smile, managed to be there for each other. If we can weather this, with God's help, I know we can manage whatever comes our way, with the Lord by our side. It may not be pretty, but we will manage to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. We are much closer and stronger as a result of all of this. I am amazingly blessed to have the kids that I do, they are amazing and such a blessing. It has comforted me to have them to hold, snuggle, and love on.... Greg too of course... but there is something about snuggling your kids when you have lost one.

We are thankful for all God has done for us this past year... and we cling to the hope that we have in Him... and we continue to trust Him for our future. Here is a little crazy trivia for you. On my wedding day I sang to Greg, it was a surprise for him... the reason that I mention that is because one of the lines in that song said, "We don't know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds tomorrow." Boy, that is so true... and I am glad it is God and not me holding tomorrow.

Thank you for walking this last year with us.... the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful... We are thankful for you...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

A BRIEF BIT OF THE LAST FEW DAYS

WE HAVE HAD A GOOD LAST FEW DAYS... I AM COMPLETELY WORN OUT

PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY... I WILL TRY TO POST TOMORROW ABOUT ALL THAT WE DID TO REMEMBER OUR PRECIOUS SAMUEL, BUT FOR NOW I WILL POST A FEW PICTURES BEFORE I HEAD TO BED.

OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS ANNA

THE PICTURES GOT POSTED IN THE WRONG ORDER, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM TOO TIRED TO EVEN CARE... HERE IS THE INSIDE OF SAMUEL'S RAINBOW CAKE:)

I DECIDED, REALLY FOR MY OWN PERSONAL BENEFIT... (I AM NEEDING THE ENCOURAGEMENT)... THAT SINCE WE WERE MAKING A RAINBOW CAKE FOR SAMUEL THAT WE WOULD FOCUS ON GOD'S PROMISES. THE RAINBOW WAS A REMEMBRANCE THAT GOD WOULD NEVER DESTROY THE EARTH AGAIN WITH A FLOOD. WE STARTED WITH THE BARE CAKE BELOW. THEN WE HAD ALL OF OUR GUESTS HELP DECORATE THE CAKE. WITH EACH SKITTLE THEY STUCK TO THE CAKE THEY TOLD A TRUTH ABOUT GOD OR HIS WORD. I REALLY JUST WANTED TO HEAR THE TRUTHS OF GOD OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I HAVE NEEDED THAT REMINDER THAT REGARDLESS OF HOW I FEEL, HIS TRUTHS ARE STILL THE TRUTHS I CLING TO... HE LOVES US... HE DIED FOR US, SO ONE DAY WE CAN BE REUNITED WITH HIM AND SAMUEL... HE IS OUR PROVIDER, COMFORTER, AND HEALER... HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US... BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID FOR US WE CAN BE A NEW CREATION... HE CONQUERED DEATH AND THE GRAVE.

OF COURSE FOR ANNA AND JOJO, THEY JUST LOVED PUTTING THE SKITTLES ON AND IT BECAME A LITTLE MORE OF A "WHAT CAN WE THANK GOD FOR... OUR HOME, OUR FAMILY, OUR FRIENDS, OUR CAR, CHRIST... FOR ME THAT WAS FINE... THAT IS THEIR WAY OF EXPRESSING THEIR FAITH... THE FAITH OF A CHILD, I LOVE IT.

I WILL NEVER FORGET LAST YEAR RIGHT AFTER WE LEFT THE HOSPITAL AFTER SAYING GOODBYE TO SAMUEL FOR THE LAST TIME, WE WENT TO THE AIRPORT TO PICK UP MY MOTHER. WHEN WE OPENED THE DOOR FOR HER TO GET IN, JOJO JUST BLURTED OUT, "GRANDMA, MY BROTHER SAMUEL IS DEAD, HE IS IN HEAVEN WITH JESUS."

HE WAS SO MATTER OF FACT. IT ALMOST BOTHERED ME A LITTLE AT THE TIME. HE JUST STATED IT, LIKE IT WAS OK. AND REALLY IT IS, (OF COURSE I STILL STRUGGLE WITH IT DAILY, BUT) WE HAVE ALWAYS TAUGHT HIM THAT IS WHERE WE LONG TO BE AT THE END OF THIS LIFE... SO WHY WOULD HE THINK ANY DIFFERENT THAN THAT IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT HIS LITTLE BORTHER WAS ALREADY THERE . IT JUST SHOWED HIS CHILD LIKE FAITH AND ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT GOD HAS ALLOWED IN HIS SHORT LIFE AT FOUR YEARS OLD.

I WILL POST MORE PICTURES AND MORE ABOUT HOW WE CELEBRATED OUR SON SAMUEL'S SHORT BUT PRECIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL LIFE....

SAMUEL'S CAKE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NIGHT:)

TO TURN BACK TIME...

FOR MONTHS IT WAS JUST TOO HARD TO LOOK AT ANY OF MY PICTURES FROM SAMUEL'S PREGNANCY... IT STILL IS SUCH A MIX OF EMOTIONS... TO THINK HE WAS ALIVE IN ME IN THESE PICTURES. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND FEEL HIM MOVING WITHIN ME AGAIN. I LOVED EVERY BIT OF BEING PREGNANT... I TREASURED ALL THOSE KICKS, WIGGLES, AND HICCUPS... EVEN THE BACK PAIN AND PUKING... IT IS ALL A PART OF THE MIRACLE AS GREG WOULD SAY:)

MY HEART LONGS TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN...

MY HEART LONGS TO REMEMBER SAMUEL'S LIFE WITH JOY, NOT SUCH HEARTACHE... WILL THAT EVER HAPPEN?

IT IS HARD NOT TO THINK... A YEAR AGO TODAY WAS MY DUE DATE IT WAS THE NIGHT THAT I LAST FELT HIM ALIVE WITHIN ME... LOTS OF MOVEMENT WHILE I SAT ON THAT COUCH... I EVEN LAUGHED AS I DREW GREG'S ATTENTION TO IT... LOTS OF MOVEMENT, BUT NOTHING THAT ALARMED ME IN THE LEAST...

IT IS HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE TRAUMA OF ALL WE EXPERIENCED IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS... REALLY WHEN I LOOK BACK IT ALMOST SEEMED LESS TRAUMATIC AT THE TIME THAN AS THE MEMORIES OF IT ALL, I WAS COMPLETELY IN SHOCK. I REMEMBER IT ALL VIVIDLY, EVERY LAST DESPAIRING DETAIL OF IT ALL... AND EVERY LAST BEAUTIFUL DETAIL OF IT ALL.

A PART OF ME WANTS TO REMEMBER IT ALL, THINK THROUGH IT ALL... GETTING THE NEWS THAT THERE WAS NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY, LABORING KNOWING THERE WOULD BE NO WONDERFUL REWARD AT THE END... JUST SADNESS, NURSES PRAYING OVER ME WHEN THE SOUNDS COMING OUT OF ME WERE UNRECOGNIZABLE, WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PUSH... JUST SAYING, "NO WAY, I CAN'T DO IT, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS", SAYING HELLO TO HIM, TELLING HIM OVER AN OVER AGAIN HOW MUCH WE LOVED HIM, INSPECTING EVERY DETAIL OF HIS BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, BUT STILL, MOTIONLESS BODY, HANDING HIM OVER TO THE NURSE FOR THE LAST TIME...

BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW WHERE THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THAT WILL TAKE ME TO... A VERY DEEP DARK PLACE. BUT CRAZILY, I KNOW THIS WILL SOUND WEIRD, BUT THAT IS WHERE I FEEL CLOSE TO SAMUEL... SO IT FEELS GOOD TO BE THERE FOR A TIME. I JUST KNOW I CAN'T STAY THERE...

SO MANY MIXED EMOTIONS ALL AT THE FOREFRONT OF MY MIND... SO MANY PRECIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, YET GUT WRENCHING MEMORIES. I WANT TO HONOR HIS SWEET SHORT LIFE... I WANT TO HONOR MY PRECIOUS SON SAMUEL. THANKYOU FOR REMEMBERING HIM WITH ME.

IS THIS JOJO'S BLOG??

I COULDN'T RESIST... HE IS JUST THE FUNNIEST KID... FROM WHAT HE SAYS DOWN TO WHAT HE WEARS... (I KNOW I COULD MAKE HIM WEAR OTHER CLOTHES, BUT SOMETIMES WHAT HE PICKS OUT IS JUST DOWN RIGHT PRECIOUS) DOWN TO HIS CRAZY ANTICS... HE BRINGS US ALL SUCH JOY:)
JOJO... OUR SWEET LITTLE BLUE EYED BLONDIE...

TONIGHT DURING PRAYERS JOJO ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS FOR CALLING CALEB... SWEET SUSIE FRANCIS... WHO KNOWS WHERE HE CAME UP WITH THAT ONE:)

AFTER I SAID GOODNIGHT TO THE BIG BOYS HE CALLED TO ME AS HE WAS CLIMBING UP TO THE TOP BUNK... "MAMA, I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU MORE THAN A ROCK, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CLOTHES, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY DRESSER, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CLOTHES, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN A PULL UP."

OK, ABOUT THIS TIME, I AM THINKING... MORE THAN A ROCK? THAT REALLY DOESN'T SOUND ALL THAT GREAT.

THEN HE CARRIES ON TO SAY, "MAMA WHAT WAS THAT ANIMAL WE STUDIED?... LIKE A BEAVER, ALL SPIKEY FUR..."

WELL AFTER MUCH CHATTERING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ANIMAL HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HE SAYS, "ACTUALLY MAMA, I LOVE WOMBATS AND YOU!"

SO REALLY AT THE END OF IT ALL, I KIND OF WONDERED IF I SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME... OR WHAT?

REALLY HE IS JUST GOOD COMIC RELIEF FOR ME THESE DAYS.... NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM READY FOR OCTOBER TO COME TO AN END... READY TO MOVE ON TO NOVEMBER...

WE HAVE LOTS OF THINGS PLANNED FOR THURSDAY AND FRIDAY... I WILL TRY TO POST PICTURES AS WE TRY TO HONOR THE PRECIOUS LIFE OF OUR SWEET SAMUEL. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

BLOG FRIENDS CAN BE REAL FRIENDS:)

I just got off the phone from a 3 hour conversation with my sweet friend Tonya. It was the first time I had talked to her... she is my blog friend, I feel kind of funny saying it... but it is true and really I love it:).

I have to laugh because a year ago I never would have guessed I would be so excited to talk with someone I met through my blog...

I remember a few months after my loss, telling someone that I knew what I was feeling was normal because I had read many of the same things I was feeling and thinking on other women's blogs who had also had losses. This person proceeded to tell me, " What makes you think it is normal to feel that way.... come on, blogging is a little odd, don't you thin, blogging isn't really normal. So maybe these people aren't really normal, because do normal people blog?"

I can never respond quick enough... but now I could and would respond that yes, us bloggers are normal. It is just like journaling, just online. I love to write, yet never got up the gumption to journal. For some reason, blogging works for me to get my thoughts out.

I can honestly say that I am not quite sure how I would have survived the first 6 months after losing Samuel had it not been for my MEND group and for the friendships I have formed and the support of other blog moms who have lost babies.

Really, I am not sure I remember how I even stumbled across Tonya's blog at http://www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com/ But what I do know is that I have found a precious friend in Tonya. There are quite a few moms I have really connected with through their blogs and I can tell you I am so encouraged by them, strengthened by their prayers and comforted by knowing that we don't travel this journey alone.

But with Tonya, it is almost uncanny the amount of things we have in common. We both have taught childbirth classes, are baby loving fools, we both planned on making the same birthday cake for our babies heavenly birthdays, and we even have the same name picked out if either of us are blessed to ever have another daughter. We think a lot alike and I am always saying, "Yes, Yes, I think or feel that same way." while I read her blog. Her precious baby boy Grady went home to His savior last November, just 13 days after Samuel. I like to think of Samuel welcoming Grady home when he arrived. I just wish I would've known Tonya last November to walk this road together from the very beginning. Because our boys birthdays are so close together we are experiencing a lot of the same emotions right now. It was so nice to talk that all over with her. She is an incredible woman of God and the more I learn about her, the more I get to know about her, the more I respect her and am encouraged by how she has persevered under great trials in life. I am so blessed to call her my friend.

One thing that was different about us is our voices... she just had the most precious southern accent... I am not sure the midwestern accent I carry would be considered precious:)

So as I sit here tonight... up too late again:) I am thanking God for the precious friends that He has brought to me from some of the most unlikely places. This week I have seen God in some of the small things in life and that feels really good. I have also seen God working to bring friends my way, and that is a special gift.

Praising God even when it hurts.... Sara

CAN YOU SAY RASCAL??

THIS KID JUST CRACKS ME UP... AND I NEED THOSE LAUGHS.

JOJO, FUN LOVING, SILLY, SO SWEET, SO QUIET AT TIMES, SO ENERGETIC AT OTHER TIMES, BIG 2 WHEEL BIKE RIDING BOY, SO SERIOUS SOMETIMES, SUCH A HAM AT OTHER TIMES, SUCH A GOOF BALL, SUCH A TENDER SOUL...

KEEPS US ALL ON OUR TOES, KEEPS US ALL LAUGHING OUT LOUD...

SUCH A LITTLE LOVE BUG...

SUCH A PRECIOUS GIFT AND TREASURE FROM GOD...

I JUST LOVE SNUGGLING WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY... EVEN IF HE HAS A PLASTIC MOUSE SUCTIONED TO HIS NOSE...:)

NOW THE RABBIT ON THE HEAD, THAT WOULD BE REAL, COURTESY OF LOUIS...