I am so blessed to be heading away for a day with the little man. Never have I done this, just get away by myself or just with one of the kids. I was so blessed to have a friend get me hotel room with her hotel points. What a sweet sweet gift to me.
We have a very busy weekend with Caleb's confirmation this Sunday. It will be a special day for him and us... but it will be hard too... That morning the 30th I gave birth to my sweet still Samuel... I am hoping to have some time today and tomorrow to look through my bag of Samuel things and to do whatever the Lord sees fit for me to do as we come upon Samuel's 3rd birthday with Jesus. Honestly, it feels like about 10 months to me since I last held him.
I know that regardless of the busy weekend, I need to spend time reflecting on the precious gift that Samuel is to us. I need to still grieve that loss... it still hurts... a lot...
But I know too, that I will reflect on all that the Lord has brought us through; carried us through in the last 3 years and His bountiful faithfulness to us. Last night I was in the youth worship at church and we were singing...
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise... from the inside out... oh my soul cries out Lord!!!
The youth leader and I talked afterwards... I was telling her... that is truly my heartfelt desire... from the inside out to be able to praise Him in ALL things... Praise Him for Samuel... Praise Him for his all too short life... Praise Him for all that He has done through the situation of my son dying inside of me...
I am so thankful that some days, I can honestly genuinely do that... and then there are other days... that it is just still hard to praise Him for allowing that incredibly deep painful experience in our lives... I can accept it from His hand... I can understand that His ways are best, but not necessarily be praising him and thanking Him for it...
The Lord continues to grow me... what a process.
Lord, use this time God for what you want to do in my heart... the continued healing you will bring. Thank you Father that my son is safe with you. Thank you for that sweet sweet gift of Samuel and the precious joys you have brought since. You are so faithful God! I cling to you with the Hope I have for the future you have planned for us!
1 comment:
Sara,
Thank you for continuing to share your heart. The joys, the grief, the remembering...it is important for people to understand that they aren't necessarily ever done grieving something so precious. And it's important for people to understand that that is okay. Thank you for giving it a voice, and for writing your words out loud so that your peeps can walk along side of you, and so that people like me remember to give myself permission to grieve my inability to ever bear a child. In all honesty, it will always cause me some pain. Thank you and I send you love and light. Jessica Fashun
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