Happy 3rd Birthday Sweet Samuel

My dear Sweet Samuel,
How can 3 years have passed since I held you?  At times it feels like 10 years and then there are so many times it feels like 10 months or even less.  Samuel, having you in my life has changed me.  At times it is still hard to fully accept that God's plan for your life was just a short 9 months in my womb.  But I KNOW and I TRUST that His ways are best.  There are moments when I think that you are by far the best off of all of our children... but in the next moment I selfishly wish I still had you here. 

I miss you still so much.  Every time I see a dark haired little 3 year old, I picture what you would have looked like or been like.  Would you have been tender hearted like Louis, more of a go getter like Caleb, or a goofball like Jojo?  It make me sad to think that I will never know any of that about you.  To think that you are my child, one of my greatest loves and treasures yet there is so much I didn't get to know about you here on earth. 

I have learned so much from having you as a part of our family.  I appreciate so much more.  I am so thankful that this life here is just a blip in time and eternity is FOREVER!!!  I can not wait to see you again and scoop you up in my arms and love on you like I have imagined doing for the past 3 years... then again, who knows how old you will be in Heaven... I do secretly hope that you will be little, but then again, I know it won't even matter when I am there.  I just know that I miss you... I love you so so so very much son... just like I love the rest of my kids.  I would do it all again sweet boy to carry you for those 9 months... in a heartbeat, I would do it again. 

Samuel, you are such a precious gift from our Savior.  We think about you so much and we talk about you so often.  Our whole family here can't wait till we are a WHOLE family again in Heaven...

Love you son!
Mom

HEADING OUT WITH THE LITTLE MAN

I am so blessed to be heading away for a day with the little man.  Never have I done this, just get away by myself or just with one of the kids.  I was so blessed to have a friend get me hotel room with her hotel points.  What a sweet sweet gift to me.

We have a very busy weekend with Caleb's confirmation this Sunday.  It will be a special day for him and us... but it will be hard too... That morning the 30th I gave birth to my sweet still Samuel... I am hoping to have some time today and tomorrow to look through my bag of Samuel things and to do whatever the Lord sees fit for me to do as we come upon Samuel's 3rd birthday with Jesus.  Honestly, it feels like about 10 months to me since I last held him.

 I know that regardless of the busy weekend, I need to spend time reflecting on the precious gift that Samuel is to us.  I need to still grieve that loss... it still hurts... a lot...

But I know too, that I will reflect on all that the Lord has brought us through; carried us through in the last 3 years and His bountiful faithfulness to us.  Last night I was in the youth worship at church and we were singing...

And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise... from the inside out... oh my soul cries out Lord!!! 

The youth leader and I talked afterwards... I was telling her... that is truly my heartfelt desire... from the inside out to be able to praise Him in ALL things... Praise Him for Samuel... Praise Him for his all too short life... Praise Him for all that He has done through the situation of my son dying inside of me...

I am so thankful that some days, I can honestly genuinely do that... and then there are other days... that it is just still hard to praise Him for allowing that incredibly deep painful experience in our lives...  I can accept it from His hand... I can understand that His ways are best, but not necessarily be praising him and thanking Him for it...

The Lord continues to grow me... what a process.

Lord, use this time God for what you want to do in my heart... the continued healing you will bring.  Thank you Father that my son is safe with you.  Thank you for that sweet sweet gift of Samuel and the precious joys you have brought since.  You are so faithful God!  I cling to you with the Hope I have for the future you have planned for us!

Joplin... 5 months later

 The youth group literally pushing over the shed... The owners of this property survived by sitting in their bathroom.  This shed was the only thing standing besides the bathroom that they were in. 

 Jojo worked so hard.  He is sleeping good right now.  The Joplin Hospital is in the background.  We were told that it was moved 6 inches off of it's foundation during the tornado and will need to be destroyed. 

 The whole crew after demolishing the very last thing on this property... Some of the kids dug up a small tree from the property and took it to the owners at their new place.  I heard they were so touched by this and came by the church to thank all the kids.   We had already left for home, so we didn't get to meet  them. 

 Yesterday we worked to remove nails and screws from salvageable wood.  This wood is being used to build sheds for people who are living in FEMA housing right now.  The wood is also being used by people who can't afford to go out and buy new wood for construction projects.  This was Louis' 5th trip to Joplin to help. 

We were blessed by our time in Joplin again.  This is the first time that myself and the little ones were able to go.  Tracy, our churches youth director, was so gracious to invite our whole family along.  The youth kids were a great help with our little ones. 

There is still SO MUCH work to do there.  There are things that literally STILL seem untouched since the tornado, like the hospital, high school, and various businesses.  But there is so much that has been done.  It looks so much cleaner in general.  The devastation is still incredible to me.  The tornado was a mile wide and was on the ground for 13 miles.  Crazy!

We stayed at the same host church that they have in the past.  And let me say that these people are stinking incredible.  Man do they go over the top in serving those workers who come to help in Joplin.  It is inspiring.  The young man who is in charge of all of the volunteers that come through their church, has a home that is totally in tact... but he has been sleeping on a cot in the fellowship hall for the last 5 months. He said he just couldn't see sleeping in his bed, when everyone else is giving up their beds to come help and serve his city.  I don't know too many people that would do that... He is so humble.  These are some amazing people with amazing servant hearts...   The stories these people tell are absolutely gut wrenching... Please continue to pray for the people of Joplin, as the healing is going to take a long time... 

Another kind of fun thing, was that Extreme Home Makeover is in Joplin right now building 7 homes in 7days.  We were just about 5 blocks behind the street where they were doing the 7 houses.  We got to go and check out what they were doing.  It was strange to see 7 beautiful, but somewhat modest homes up in an area that was totally wiped out.

 Because we were already working in the restricted area for the show we were able to walk right over and watch for a little bit.  Louis said the guy right next to him went to church with 2 of the families that were having homes built for them by the show.  He said one had lost 1 child the other 2.  Louis said he was crying just telling him about them.  They had big pictures of each family outside the home that was being built for them.  Honestly, they are all smiling, but immediately all I could think of was the trauma that they have gone through...I can't imagine... It is so neat to see so many working to help Joplin... but the helping is still going to be needed for so long.


I was talking with some others about it, and there is just something about that city and all that they have gone through that sort of gets under your skin, and you can't help but want to go back...

October... Infant loss Awareness Month

This is an article written in the Milwaukee Journal.  They have really done a lot of articles this month focusing on the high infant mortality rate there.  I had a sweet friend the other day cut out and send me one of the articles in the mail.  I can relate to so much of what the author wrote...

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.
Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

This was written in the Milwaukee Journal/Sentinal by Laura Schubert from New Berlin Wisconsin.

WHAT IS NEW...

 SWEET LEVI IS 7 MONTHS OLD...

 SOME OF THE KIDS SNUGGLING IN MOM AND DAD'S BED:)

ANNA, HOPE AND JO PLAYING UNDER THE KNEELER...

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE DUST ON THE KNEELER SHELF... OH MY!

MY SISTER IN LAW PICKED THIS OLD CHURCH KNEELER UP SOMEWHERE YEARS AGO. I USED TO USE IT...BUT HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THE HANG OF ACTUALLY PRAYING AT IT... I WANT TO PICK THAT UP AGAIN...

I came home from the doctors office stentless today... PRAISE GOD!!  They said that the one kidney looked clear and that the stent could come out.  Within an hour I passed 2 fairly large stones that I am assuming were stuck above the stent and were too big to come out with it in... I am sooooo glad to have that thing out.  I do have some stones in the other kidney that he wasn't sure would be able to pass on their own with out getting stuck... so it looks like I will probably have the lithrotripsy done one more time in the next couple of weeks I am hoping.  They won't need to put a stent back in so I am so happy about that. When I saw the stent, that was no lie about 10 inches long, I thought, it was no wonder I have been uncomfortable for the last 5 weeks.

I am so excited to be starting a women's study at church on Sunday mornings. It is one I did a few years back at our church in Wisconsin... Just getting into the homework for it has been amazing!!!  It is called Wisdom for Mothers. It is sooooo good and God is so faithful to bring it back into my life at just the right time.

We had a balloon release tonight at our MEND meeting.  Gosh, it was a precious time.  I love those ladies so much and it was such a blessing to me.  I think that I may share some different loss/grief types of things over the next week or so as we get ready for Samuel's birthday.  My new friend Katie and I have some plans for a way to commemorate her baby.  I will try to get her permission to post a picture maybe at some point.  It is crazy, she is almost 1/2 my age, but I so enjoy the time that we can share together.  We laughed that her mom would think that the 40 year old Pastor's wife that she is hanging out with is a bad influence:)  Can you guess what she might be planning on doing?

The youth group from church is heading to Joplin again to help in the clean up... The youth director invited our whole family... so off we will go on Friday.  I am not sure how long the little ones and I will stay... maybe a day or two.  I am really looking forward to helping in some way, even if it is just cooking or sorting things at the church...

Although as of today... ( I wrote all of the above last night) the littles, myself and Caleb will have to be postponing Joplin for at least another day... Caleb has some sort of stomach bug... We are praying that none of the rest of us get it.  I had to sort of laugh, within minutes of his first episode of throwing up....Louis was giving out our immune builder tincture, emergence drink and vitamins to the rest of us... Praying it works! 

LOOK....

LOOK....

WHOSE GARDEN IS BLOOMING...

JUST IN TIME TO CELEBRATE AND HONOR SAMUEL'S SWEET LIFE...

IN A COUPLE SHORT WEEKS...

GOD'S TIMING IS GOOD...



2 1/2 years of pure energy:)

 She can look so calm...

 and endearing... but...

 This is what she is really like...

 99% of the time...

And we love her just the way she is:) 

We have had Hope in our lives for almost 2 years... it seems crazy that she has been with us that long.

 

I still feel like we are getting to know her in many ways.

She has mastered the potty...YAY!

She has really seemed to be turning a corner in her behavior...

It seems to have clicked for her in so many ways.

Normally she is constantly getting into things... like chap stick, deodorant, nail polish, etc...

You name it... if you turned your back for literally 15 seconds she was into it...

And she is smart as a whip...

Seriously, her vocabulary is incredible...

And she knows when to say certain things that you would NEVER think she would understand...

God has grown us and challenged us in so many ways through this journey of adopting...

We are so thankful for the stretching of us that He has done...

And we are so thankful for Miss Hope Jubilee:)



OH MY PRECIOUSNESS....

This little man is a heart melter...
His BIG eyes...
His sweet smile...
His chunky thighs...
His plump little toes...
His sweet crystal clear dribble...
His absolutely precious laughter...

God is so good and faithful to give us this sweet yummy miracle baby boy!

A WALK TO REMEMBER....

A WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES....

This weekend we took the whole family down to Dallas to participate in their Walk to Remember Ceremony.  We had to go as a part in our training to take over our Tulsa chapter of MEND...

Needless to say, it was an emotional day...HARD!

The boys and I worked really hard with the Dallas team on all the preparations and Greg held down the fort at the hotel with the little ones.... he did amazingly well:)

It was such a special day... we had over 1,000 people attend the walk to honor the lives of their babies.

As we started the walk to go to where the ceremony would be held, Greg and I  looked ahead of us and behind us at how many people were there remembering the lives of their babies.   He right away said, "This will certainly show you that you are not a lone!"  Sometimes you feel so alone in the loss of a baby or child and yesterday I didn't feel that way at all!

Everyone who attends gets to release a balloon for their baby... blue for boy, pink for girl, and white for a miscarriage... Once we started to release the balloons it was absolutely breathtaking...

 They also give you an ornament for each loss and when the call the names of your babies you get to take your ornaments up and hang them on the MEND tree... special!

I am so thankful for MEND, an organization that works so hard to help validate the life of your baby, no matter how short....