When I try to describe what grieving the loss of a child is like to someone, one way I have described it is that at first truly it takes up almost all of you. I remember in that month that followed I went through the motions of life, being a mother to my living kids... but physically I was about 95 % consumed with the loss of my son. I was physically recovering from having a baby, but had no precious baby to show for it. I remember hugging people at Samuel's memorial service, and with each hug, my chest hurting more and more from the pressure of my milk coming in but having no baby to nurse. With each hug, a reminder that it would take weeks for that pain to go away, not getting relief how I was intended to get relief, by putting my sweet round faced child to my breast to bond and nurture. I know any of you who have had babies know the rest of the physical part of recovering from a having a baby. I guess I NEVER minded the recovery in the past, because it was just so worth it, you had your child to show for it. But I didn't have Samuel here... Was it worth it??? 100% yes, but the recovery process seems especially cruel when you are missing the child that you were expecting to take up all of your time.
About 6-8 weeks later when the physical side of things was getting better I think the emotional side then comes full circle. Now my mental state was pretty much 95% consumed with my loss. The shock had worn off and the reality of my loss had set in. Really, I think I did fairly well, caring for my other kids. We had food on the table, they were loved, cared for and nurtured, but I will admit that I wasn't completely there... mentally my mind was consumed with my baby who was gone. I had the realization that my purpose just wasn't what I thought it was going to be. You expect to have that new baby that would demand you attention almost 24/7... and that just wasn't there. The older kids are more independent and don't need the same type of care. Does that make sense??? I remember getting places and panicing, feeling like I had forgotten the baby at home, only to remember that baby would never fill that car seat... I didn't leave him at home... he would never be at home. I remember so badly just wanting to talk about him to someone... I didn't understand why people didn't want to hear about him. The poor dear friends and my sister who would call me would always get an earful about how I was feeling. There was so very much to accept emotionally and it really just takes so much time to get to the point where you fully have dealt with that all... and quite honestly, probably as you can tell by reading this post, that, I believe may be a life long process.
Where am I at now, you ask... well you didn't really ask, but I am going to share anyway:) I am so amazingly thankful for the healing that has taken place. I still have a long way to go:) I still think about him so much. I am a work in progress. If I had to put a number on it, I would say that 10% of me is still consumed with him. I guess, I think of all my responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, mothering, teaching, being a wife... Samuel is included in that... I am still his mother, and I can't help myself but think about him. I don't purposefully think about him, or cry about him.... it just happens. I have had some people ask if I feel like I HAVE to still grieve him... if I force myself to? ( I couldn't help but feel like they thought maybe it was unhealthy or I was milking it too much) But maybe it is something you wouldn't understand unless you have lost a child... you can't help yourself... you are a still a mother to that child, even if they aren't here with you... and just as you think of your other kids, you think of the child you lost....
These are things that make me think of you sweet precious Samuel...
When I lay on the bench in your garden in the dark at night and see the innumerable stars in the sky... I think of you in your heavenly home. What are you doing??? What is it like??? Will you welcome me when I join you someday??
When I feel the wind in my face... I sometimes imagine it is like a touch from you...( I know that may sound weird, but I am just keeping it real... and it feels good:)
When I am running in the rain... I can't help but feel lost in my love for you as the rain pelts my face.
I love when I see the rays from the sun shining though a really beautiful cloudy sky... I can't help but think of you.
A lot of time when I hear sweet baby girl making sweet sounds... I wonder what your voice would have sounded like???
I always think of you when I see any of the flowers blooming in your garden... new life... new life... they scream.
I always think of you when I see cardinals... this past Easter when I was getting the kids in the car for church there were 4 red cardinals playing around in the bird bath in your garden... love it!
When I think of the work the Lord is doing in my heart and in our home... I think of you... so much of it is a result of our experience of you in our life...
When I seeing hurting people and my heart breaks for them... I think of you... I know my heart has been softened as a result of losing you... I don't want hurting people to feel alone....
I always think of you when people remark on our children... Just the other day, Jojo came up to Greg at a funeral we were at... and someone asked is this your son?? Greg said, "Yes, it is our youngest. He looked at me and sort of snickered, thinking of Hope, we both said, "Well, not really." Then Greg said, " Well, actually it is my youngest son. " Then we both snickered again thinking of you Samuel, and both said, "Well, not really." There is so much in those glances between your dad and I and sometimes it is just too much to get into with some people... we know though... we know that our love for you is deep boy... so deep and intense... that love hasn't changed one bit boy since the day we said goodbye to you Samuel.
I could go on and on with all the things that make me think of you Samuel... I am so thankful that our minds work the way that they do... that they can help to keep your memory alive... keep you as a part of our family each day... Your family misses you son, and can't wait for our joyful reunion someday....
OUR FRIENDS WHO INVITED US TO THE SPLASH PAD...
MY SWEET JOJO
SISTERS... ENJOYING THE WATER AND EACH OTHER:)
