I am SUCH a work in progress...
Sometimes I have to almost laugh when some people give the impression that they have it all together, ... that they have arrived, so to speak... that there isn't much room for improvement or growth in their life...
(Am I the only one who feels like they will never fully arrive or have it all together until we meet the Savior face to face??)
I was so excited to be able to participate in Linny's blog hop... Memorial box Mondays... because this is a story that shows the Lord's deep love for us, His amazing power to transform us and His faithfulness through every step of the journey...
I am a little ashamed to admit my response to my dear husband after we had returned home from the hospital after Samuel was stillborn at 40 weeks and one day... If you can imagine in a matter of 24 hours I had gone from thinking any second I would have this precious boy in my arms to having to deliver and then hold the still, lifeless body of my 5th born... He wasn't moving... wasn't pink... But in spite of it all He was beautiful and precious and dearly loved!
I distinctly remember Greg trying to comfort me and telling me, "God is going to use this Sara, He is going to use you to help someone else down the road!'
My response... (I can remember it as plain as day) "That is not good enough... that still does not make losing my son worth it! Let someone else do it!" I know Greg heard that response from me over and over again... (I cringe now thinking I said those things!!)
I remember others, who hadn't really been through any major trials quoting Romans 8:28 to me... "That the Lord will work good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose." In those early days, right after my loss... I knew God's word would hold true... but right then it sounded so cliche... it just didn't help, especially coming from those who hadn't known deep pain or couldn't possibly understand the trauma of what I had just gone through. I know that they meant well and I can totally appreciate that now... but in those first weeks it just seemed to make me feel more and more like people didn't understand the depth of what I was going through... and that if I didn't embrace that immediately that there was something wrong with me... something wrong with the way I was grieving...
(This is a side note... if you ever quoted scripture to me in those early days...please don't be offended by what I just said... I don't at all mean it to be taken badly. I am so appreciative of those who reached out to me... I am thinking maybe some day I will do a post on ways that you can physically and practically reach out to those in the throws of grief...I do appreciate every effort that people made)
I know part of it was being totally in shock and adjusting to the fact that my baby didn't get to come home with me... I know that there were a lot of things that came into play but ultimately in those early days of my grief that is truly how I felt...
I was soooo sad... I was soooo angry... I could not think of one possible reason that would be worth the Lord allowing my child to be taken from me...
Oh how a few years can change a perspective... It didn't take me real long... maybe months before my prayers changed from literally the only desperate 3 words I could get out... "HELP ME, LORD, HELP ME!!!" (I even shudder know remembering being in that place that there is literally all my prayers consisted of... I was such a shell... just trying to survive...)
But finally a few months later my prayers had progressed and changed to "Lord please don't waste this pain... Please use if Father... for something... for anything... Please just allow something good to come from this hurt... Please put the pieces of this shattered heart back together again so that I can help other hurting people!"
And now, almost 4 years later, I am hearing those words my husband said, echoing in my ears... "He will use it Sara... He won't leave you here... in this desperate place!"
In the last year the Lord has been so faithful to allow me to see how God is still using Samuel and using the deep wounds and hurt that my heart had felt, to minister to others. I have spoken numerous times with women (some that I barely knew before) that specifically searched me out to talk to when they were hurting because they knew that I had experienced deep pain and could understand what they were going through.
I have had friends share things that they are going through that they haven't shared with many if any people, but they did share with me specifically because they knew that I had been through the fire and somehow (only by the grace of God) survived it and was still moving forward.. They specifically said that seeing my life or hearing my story had given them Hope for their future... even though at that moment their world was turned upside down.
I am not being prideful at all. I can recognize that it isn't me at all, but completely the Lord working... I find it hard to believe, honestly. I am just totally in awe of our father to truly take that which was a jumbled tangled up mess of a life just trying to survive...Literally living moment by moment...
To moving me to a place to show me plain as day the good that has come from Samuel's life. I can see clearly the word's of Roman's 8:28 played out. He can work through the most unlikely people, even the likes of me...:) and the likes of my son who only lived the 40 weeks, one day in my womb:)
I am thankful that He is using the ordinary,short, life of my sweet precious Samuel to bring extraordinary comfort to others...
I am so thankful that the Lord is the one who can bind up the broken hearted... and then use that battered, wounded, and shattered heart to point others to His love and faithfulness to them.
Thank you Lord for not wasting that pain...
He won't waste yours either...:)
