PLAYING BY THE ARKANSAS RIVER WITH THE STINETTES
HANGING OUT WITH THE HAYTERS They left Monday and we had our upstairs neighbors, the Hayters, from the seminary come down for a few days. They left Friday morning and that afternoon the Stinettes, other friends from the Seminary came and stayed 2 nights on their way through Oklahoma. I have to say, that the Lord must have knew I was going to need friends in my home. I had just felt completely in a funk for a good week+, more like in the pit, unable to drag myself out. Honestly, I am learning a lot about the process of grief and myself through all of this. Having people here was the perfect kick in the shorts, or change of scenery to help me. I think I have figured out that if I get to feeling that BAD again for that long of a time I may just need to pack the kids up and head up north for a week or two. That is part of the beauty of homeschooling:)
Anyways, I was so blessed by getting to talk with my girlfriends, have them pray for me, listen to me talk about Samuel, and again cry with me. I know I have said it before but living in a new city and losing a child has had its share of challenges. Honestly, it completely stinks. I have wondered...ok Lord, why now, why here, what is your purpose in this?My friends and family get me and get that. It was such a treasure to just be able to be me, and know that as real friends they aren't afraid or uncomfortable with me or my grief. They love me and are with me in the grief, no matter what that looks like. And in those times I am cared for, ministered to, and I think I heal a little bit more. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyways, I miss them all already... but thankfully more visitors are on the way. Tomorrow one of Jojo's godmothers is coming to town. Yeah! Ryane, is Greg's cousin, but I claim her as a dear friend:) Then after Ryane leaves my parents may come down for a few days.
My sister asked if it was a good thing to have all of the company. I immediately said yes. It has broken up the monotony of my sadness. It has been a blessing to have friends and family who lighten the load just by being here. Last week prior to the visits I went to church to talk with the retired Pastor, he too has lost a child. I was talking to him about the despair I had been feeling over the loss of Samuel and he was saying that when you are at that low, low point, at the bottom of the valley that God's love is deeper still underlying that valley, basically still supporting you in that valley. He actually drew it out and it was a good visual for me. When the pain feels so deep, his presence is deeper still. When I feel alone and abandoned, his presence is deeper still. I keep praying that in those moments as I am begging for His help, comfort and peace that he will make Himself known to me. That I will feel his presence.
I have heard people say in the past that when you don't feel that God is close it isn't God who has moved, it is you. I have REALLY wondered about that in the last couple of weeks. When it is dark in the morning my mind has a tendency to wander and be consumed with not so great thoughts. I have had Greg pray over me, I myself pray, begging God to take away the thoughts and fill me with His peace. I have demanded that Satan leave me alone, and have no way with my thoughts. Honestly, there have been times there has been no relief. It is then that I wonder Ok Lord, I am not asking for my circumstances to be different, I am not asking for my sons life back, nothing like that, just peace and relief from the despair. I am just wanting to feel Him present with me in the despair. I don't know maybe someone can shed some light on that for me. I know He is there regardless of how I feel, but why not allow me to feel that closeness. I will keep calling out. I know He hears my cries.
So this week He sent dear friends and family to my home to comfort me and support me. I am so thankful for that tonight. I needed it:) Thank you God!
