A LITTLE UPDATE ON BABY BOY

LOUIS TOOK AND EDITED BOTH OF THESE PICTURES... I THINK I LOVE THEM BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THE KIDS ARE TRYING TO SKI... I HAVE GREAT MEMORIES OF SKIING UP NORTH WHEN I WAS A KID:)

YOU CAN DOWNLOAD A MONTHS FREE TRIAL OF LIGHTROOM ON LINE. LOUIS DID THAT AND HAS BEEN HAVING A BALL WITH IT:)

Well, I am sitting here eating leftover Mexican food. Yesterday I was blessed to have lunch with a newer girl from M.E.N.D. It was so nice to talk about Samuel and Brooke and how their impact on our lives have affected the holidays. My heart just hurts for her knowing that the first Christmas was the hardest for us... but she is making it and I am so proud of her.

I just got back from an unexpected Doctor's appt. Last week I just felt like my blood pressure was up. I have been hitting Walmart to check on it over the last couple of weeks and it has consistently been high. After I sit there for about 10 minutes it will always come down. That is a good thing, but it still bothers me that it is high to start off with.

I wasn't surprised when it was high when I went in today. It is just too early to be high. I love my doctor. He ordered some blood work to be done and will call me with the results tomorrow hopefully. He said at this point, he wasn't too concerned. I asked if I needed to stop doing housework yet? (jokingly of course:) He said no, not at this point, but that might be down the road a little bit.

I have kind of decided I really need to lighten up what I am doing around the house. I just stopped teaching Sunday School, which will be good for now. And when I came home the older 2 boys said, "Mom, we decided that you need to stay in bed and can help us with school from your bed... and we will make breakfast and lunch and do the cleaning." I almost fell over. They can be the sweetest kids, and I don't doubt at all that they could keep things going just fine around here.

I don't think that I will hit the bed:), but maybe will make a concerted effort to hit the couch and put my feet up some more. Greg and I did talk about getting some meals in the freezer this weekend. As silly as that may sound, just to know that they could pull out a meal and throw it in the oven would ease my mind a lot.

Dr. W. did say that he feels confident that we will be able to get this little guy to a safe point to deliver, even if it is earlier than expected. We set an appt. to see the high risk doctor on a regular basis starting in 2 weeks.

Would you all please pray that my blood pressure would be under control, that the doctors would have wisdom in recognizing anything out of the ordinary that needs to be addressed, and that my heart will be calm:) Would you also pray that this baby boy continues to grow strong and healthy each day. And most importantly, that God's will would be done in his little precious life. I so appreciate it!

LOOK WHO IS SAYING HI:)

HERE IS OUR SWEET LITTLE GUY GIVING A WAVE TO YOU ALL:)

I just got off the phone with my sweet (blog in real life:) friend Tonya at www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com What a sweet conversation we had. I absolutely treasure and am so very thankful for the friends I have made through the loss of Samuel. These are friends that truly understand the road I have walked and continue to walk as we expect this precious little miracle next March. It was just nice to receive encouragement and understanding from someone who has lived it too. (She just had Matthew back in July, and had lost Grady not quite 2 weeks after we lost Samuel) I think back to my brief, but oh so special visit with her and Ebe last January on our way home from Florida... She was so brave to take on my crew and I for a night, when we had never met in person... I will always treasure the memories of that special night we had getting to meet in person.

So much is going on here with Christmas and church activities, yet at the same time I am thrilled that we are not making any more travel plans. As much as I LOVE spending some of the Christmas time with family in far away states... I am a bit worn out this go around and I treasure the fact that of not planning another vacation, leaves us with so much more time just to focus on Christmas, Jesus' birth and being together. The older boys did remind me before bed that tomorrow morning is St. Nick's and that Jojo was expecting some surprises in his stocking in the morning.

I am the world's most boring stocking stuffer... Nuts, an orange, apple and pomegranate, and a few chocolates... I must confess I ate Hope's pomegranate tonight, is that bad or what??? ... I am kind of hoping she won't notice... it would have been far too messy and I think she can share off the older kids... I just had such a craving:)

As far as new little baby boy goes... he does have a name... we both love. And I am thrilled with it. I love calling him by name. I am not sure if I will share it on the blog till he arrives but who knows:) We had an ultrasound last Thursday and all looks great. He was measuring just a couple days larger than expected. I don't know why, but in my head I am just thinking... grow baby boy grow!!! I am at about 23 weeks and feeling more consistent movement... He is usually pretty quiet in the morning and that can be a bit unnerving (as that was just what happened with Samuel when I first noticed no movement) but usually within a couple of hours he starts to get busy in there and I love that:)

Please know that I often think of those still trying to conceive and my heart just aches for them. I know how easily this Frozen embryo transfer could have turned out differently for us. I do not take a day for granted while this little one is safe , healthy and alive inside of me. I know that God is sovereign and I trust Him and His plans, but I know too how hard it is for one to sit by and watch person after person, many of which aren't even trying to conceive, announce their pregnancies so carefree like, and be blessed with healthy babies, as your heart is longing for the same.

Life is hard... I get that. A few things I am thinking about with this little one.

My heart is rejoicing that we have made it this far. I think about our embryo donor mom so often. I am so incredibly thankful for her gift to us. I know that I can't fully comprehend all that she must feel in regards to this little guy. But I also wonder if she can fully comprehend what this little boy means to us all ... how much we love him already... how often the kids and G and I thank God for him in our prayers... Sometimes I feel like my heart could explode that God has blessed us with this miracle gift. I am just so grateful.

While there is such excitement in our home, there is still fear. I know that fear is not from the Lord. It has been a while since I have had a moment of heart gripping fear. God has been faithful to calm my heart. At the same time there is the constant struggle of balancing the hope with reality. Louis asked me a couple of weeks ago if we were going to get down all of the baby stuff, and the bassinet. He didn't want to have to put it all away if for some reason this baby didn't come home to live with us. (Since we had hoped to adopt, and didn't know if we would get a drop off newborn, I never put the baby clothes up in the attic. It is all clean and in little containers in Anna and Hope's closet. So all that needs to be done, is to put the baby girl clothes away and wash up the boy stuff)

I struggled with knowing how to answer Louis. Part of me knows we have bags already packed for the hospital, that we had just in case we got a call from the adoption agency. (Is that bad that I never officially unpacked those?) And that after the baby arrives Greg can easily get all the other stuff down at a moments notice. Then, there is the other part of me that wants to do it up big... paint the extra bedroom, get it all set as a nursery. I have such mixed up feelings at times. I am a very practical person and know that Hope is still in the crib so practically speaking she may still be in it when this guy arrives... so that may all have to wait... See can you tell how back and forth I am:)

Well, I will leave you with a verse, I don't think I have posted before... I have clung to this verse for the last couple of years... hoping that some day it would apply to me...

ISAIAH 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

There have been so many times of feeling surrounded by the wilderness and wasteland in the last 2 years. Praise God he is doing new things in our hearts and lives... He is growing this new baby... totally separate from Samuel... totally separate from Joel... totally separate from our adoption journey with Hope. But yet they are all a part of what He has walked with us through these past 2 years. They are all a part of the story He is weaving throughout our family. Tonight I am so thankful for these streams of water in the wasteland... God is good! He always is... regardless of what is going on around us.

RANDOM THOUGHTS AND REQUESTS:)

Greg playing horsey with the little girls:)

I always think Izzi looks like a little elf (I mean that in a totally good way:)... she is so petite and precious:)

Anna and Sara Beth


I was a complete slacker over the Thanksgiving holidays as far as taking pictures goes. We did grab a few of the kids with my sister Beth's kids from Boston. Since my parents live right next door to my 2 brothers there were up to 16 kids running around but only my sister's family and her 4 kids, and our family actually stayed with my parents. It made for a ton of fun for the kids...and a lot of busyness that is for sure.

Thanks to my sister's planning we were able to actually get all 5 of us siblings and spouses together for dinner out. Louis and a couple of the older girls watched the little ones for us. I can't tell you how nice it is to have a child old enough to babysit. At the same time, it makes me a little sad that I have one that old... I know that sounds crazy. We had a lot of good laughs over dinner... it was just nice to be together. My sister and I rarely get home at the same time, so when we do, it is a treat. She is a great listener:)

My parents had a really nice gift made for Samuel's garden. I will need to go out there and get a picture and then post about it. It meant so much to me for them to do that for us in memory of Samuel.

I had an absolutely delightful night out for tea with my college roommate Samantha. She has been one to TOTALLY hang with me over the last 2 years... she is always reminding me that her boots are still on for the stormy weather we may face at any time. She never tires of hearing what I have to say. We had a lot of time to talk about what is new with her, and she is so intuitive... she asked lots of questions about how I am doing with being pregnant again after Samuel. She knows how absolutely overjoyed I am, but yet understands the fears that can also be involved after losing a child full term. It was so nice for me to be able to talk freely, and be real about ALL the feelings I am experiencing as a part of this pregnancy. I love you my sweet friend Sam:)

As far as feelings... I think we have got a name... pretty sure that is. I am not sure the kids all love it... but that is why they will get to name their kids. Greg and I love the meaning behind why we may name this baby boy these names.... I am not sure we will actually share it before the birth or not. It is funny, this is the first time we have actually known the sex, so it is a bit different. This little pumpkin is moving more and I just love it. It sets my heart at ease, and truly, I feel like when I feel him move... my heart falls more and more in love with him. I am 22 weeks today and that would make it about 16 weeks until we can meet him unless we have a reason to meet him earlier. I know 16 weeks seems like a ton, but my heart rejoices that we are getting closer. This may sound crazy but I always breath a sigh of relief at 24 weeks, viability, when this little guy would have a chance of surviving if born. I am also thrilled that we are so close to the holidays... It always makes these couple of months go by so quickly.

I want to cherish the moments and memories with my family... but I would be lying if I didn't say... that I just plain can't wait to get to Spring when hopefully we will meet this precious little gift God has blessed us with.

I have a prayer request for you... I don't know why I didn't post it right away... I was totally a lazy blogger while up north...

While we were up in Wisconsin, my sister in law Katy's niece Brienna was in a really serious car accident. She was actually outside of her vehicle at the time and was hit by a drunk driver who was going 50 mph. She was hit and thrown 50 feet. The driver fled the scene, but thankfully was caught by police later that night. It is a TOTAL miracle that Brienna survived and she is doing miraculously well. She did have lots of facial lacerations, some broken bones and some bleeding on her brain. She will require a lot of therapy and some more surgeries. She is only 18 years old. The Lord is clearly using this to draw her and her family closer to Himself... but I know it is going to be a long road. Would you please pray for her physical healing and that the Lord would sustain her through the months ahead... where I know there will be many difficult times. Thank you so much for lifting her up to our Heavenly Father.

A FULL HEART....

(I can never figure out how to make a scanned picture appear the normal size... sorry... can you squint and see his preciousness??:)

On the eve ( Well actually, since it is after 12, it isn't really the eve anymore) of my sweet Samuel's 2nd birthday in heaven, my heart is full...

Full of love for my Gracious God for blessing us with this new son growing in my womb.

Full of thankfulness for the good news at today's ultrasound, of a healthy baby thus far... growing exactly as He should be. (As crazy as this may sound to those of you who haven't lost babies, and as normal as this may sound to those of you who have... I truly feel like at any ultrasound we may see that precious heart not beating anymore... so so so VERY thankful for a strong healthy beating heart today! :)

Full of love for this precious boy, I CAN NOT WAIT to meet at the appointed time God has for us to see each other face to face.

Full of amazement in a God who could create this life. Today at the ultrasound, as I was watching that little boy wiggle and squirm... I COULD NOT believe that this little one was literally frozen for 5 years... only God could work that kind of miracle! Isn't that incredible!?

Full of prayers for those who are hurting tonight.

Full of prayers to be able to fully ENJOY this pregnancy with a heart full of love and joy... not the fear that can sometimes grip me.

FULL OF ABSOLUTELY UNENDING LOVE FOR MY LITTLE BOY SAMUEL, WHOSE LIFE WE WILL CELEBRATE THE NEXT TWO DAYS.

(MANY ASK WHEN WE CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY... THE ANSWER WHICH MAY SEEM STRANGE TO SOME, IS BOTH DAYS. THE 29TH WAS THE DAY THAT HE STOPPED MOVING, WE FOUND OUT HIS SOUL WAS ALREADY WITH JESUS, AND WE STARTED THE INDUCTION. THE 30TH WAS THE DAY THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY BORN AND THAT WE GOT TO SPEND WITH HIM, LOVE ALL THAT GOD CREATED IN THAT SPECIAL BABY BOY. I JUST CAN'T PICK ONE DAY, THEY BOTH WERE FULL OF SO MANY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES)

FULL OF SORROW, SADNESS, AND BROKEN HEARTED CHEST HURTING GRIEF AS I STILL MISS HIM SO SO MUCH.

FULL OF SOME JOY AND THANKFULNESS FOR EVERY MINUTE WE HAD WITH HIM INSIDE OF ME.

FULL OF MEMORIES.... PONDERINGS... WHAT IFS?... WHAT COULD HAVE BEENS?... KNOWING FULL WELL THAT ALL OF THOSE THINGS AND PLANS IN MY MIND, WEREN'T THE SAME AS THE LORD'S AND JUST WEREN'T MEANT TO BE.

FULL OF SURRENDERING TO, AND TRUSTING IN THE ONE WHO PERFECTLY CREATED THAT SWEET BOY AND GAVE US THE GIFT OF BEING HIS EARTHLY FAMILY.

So there you have it... in a nutshell... The perfect blend of joy and pain all that the same time. That seems to be the new normal for us now. We honor one life and celebrate a new life... totally different and separate from Samuel's life, and in no way a replacement. No one could ever replace him. Each child is unique. This is the perfect new person that God has planned to be a part of our family.

I will try to update over the next couple of days to share how we honored the precious life of our Samuel.

Thanks for your love and prayers.

IT'S A .....:)

CAN YOU GUESS FROM ANNA'S EXPRESSION WHAT KIND OF PRECIOUS SIBLING WILL JOIN THE FAMILY, LORD WILLING IN THE SPRING???

YEP, A SWEET LITTLE BOY:)

WE COULDN'T BE MORE THRILLED! ANNA WAS REALLY HOPING FOR A SISTER, BUT BY THE TIME WE MADE IT HOME IT ONLY TOOK ABOUT 30 SECONDS FOR HER TO RUN TO THE NEIGHBORS TO TELL THEM THAT SHE IS GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY BROTHER... WE ARE ALL SO HAPPY!

WHEN WE GOT TO THE ULTRASOUND PLACE, I ASKED LESLIE TO JUST GET THE SPOT IN VIEW AND LET ME SEE IF I COULD GUESS IT. WELL ONCE SHE GOT IT THERE... WE ALL SORT OF STARTED GIGGLING... IT WAS SOOOO OBVIOUS!

LATER IN THE DAY, WE WENT OVER TO THAT SAME NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE TO LOOK AT A LOFT THEY ARE PUTTING IN A BEDROOM, AND THE MOTHER HAD ALREADY RUN OUT AND GOTTEN THE CARD ABOVE... THAT WAS SO SWEET. OUR VERY FIRST CARD FOR THIS LITTLE GUY!


THE ULTRASOUND TECH TOOK A GOOD LOOK AT WHAT SHE COULD SEE IN THAT 15WEEK OLD BOY. THERE WERE A COUPLE OF THINGS THAT THEY TOLD US WE MIGHT HAVE A SLIGHTLY HIGHER RISK OF BECAUSE OF THE 2 ABNORMALITIES IN MY BLOOD WORK THAT I MENTIONED A COUPLE OF WEEKS BACK... BUT PRAISE GOD EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD AT THIS POINT. I HAVE MY FULL ANATOMY SCAN IN 2 1/2 WEEKS. WE WILL GET AN EVEN BETTER LOOK THEN:)

THIS LITTLE GUY IS IN THE LORD'S HANDS!!!:) THE VERY BEST PLACE FOR HIM TO BE:)

FINDING OUT WHO THIS LITTLE ONE IS PART 2

So it looks like maybe this Saturday we will find out if we will, Lord willing, be adding a little boy or a little girl to the family in the Spring.

The funny this is... last Thursday when we went to my regular appt. with my OB, he did another ultrasound. I was so enamored with the beautiful profile of this little one and the perfectly beating heart that I didn't even think to look for the gender. After visiting with the Dr. for a bit, he left and Greg looked to me and said, "I think that I know what it is..." I laughed, "Are you kidding me?" The doctor happened to walk back in and asked what we were laughing about. We told him and he said that if he had to make a guess he would say he thought that Greg was right. What is funny is, that Greg can normally barely make out the face on an ultrasound.

In our previous pregnancies, we never found out the sex of the little one that we were carrying. For me there was something so fun about the surprise of it all. When I had Anna and Jojo, I didn't have any medications or epidurals so I really wanted the surprise at the end to look forward to. It was so fun to not have the Doctor announce the sex when they were born, but to hear Greg tell me who it was by naming them whatever we had chosen for a boy or a girl.

This may sound strange... but since Samuel was stillborn, I have totally changed my view on all of this. After we had him, and only had the 5 hours with him, before we handed his sweet little body back to the nurses and left the hospital, I have wished I had known it was him in there for the 9 mos. that I carried him. I know that I bonded with him... but I had just wish I had known it was him...had been able to call him by name even. Since the 9 mos. was all we had with him, I wish I had known everything that was possible to know about him during that time.

And quite honestly as far as the surprise goes... after you have given birth to a baby that isn't alive anymore... just having a living baby that is pink and screaming, will by far take the cake over the surprise of the gender of that little one.

So this Saturday, we will all head to the ultrasound office to meet with our friend Leslie and see if we can figure out who this little pumpkin is. We have never cared one bit if we were had a boy or girl, and it is the same this time... although Anna is pulling for another girl:) We are just praying for a healthy little one. Hopefully, we will get that sneak peek, and then I have my full anatomy ultrasound in a few weeks.

I have my guess... but do any of you have any guesses? We have had 4 boys and 1 girl biologically... as well as precious Hope through adoption... don't forget this little one is adopted as well... It won't be long and we will hopefully know:)

Finding out who this little one is... Part 1

Here is the latest picture of Baby H...

I couldn't believe that you could get such a perfect little profile shot of this tiny person who is only about 4 inches from head to rump... God's handiwork is truly amazing!

We have never known the sex of any of our babies before the day that they were born...

Greg always wanted to find out, but I didn't... I guess since I was the one carrying the babies... I won:)

This time around we are going to do it a little differently...I want to explain why that is the case, but first I want to give you a little back ground...

I want to post a copy of the article Greg wrote for our church's newsletter from November 2008...

The crazy thing about our old church newsletters is that they were written in the month prior so that they could arrive at people's homes by the beginning of the month...

What is below is what came to all of our church member's homes on October 29th 2008... the exact day that I realized the baby wasn't moving and we found out he was a boy and that he was already experiencing the glories of Heaven with his creator... I of course didn't see it until I came home from the hospital the next day.

This will give you a bit of background on how we normally did things when our little ones arrived...

NAMING RIGHTS

As of this printing, we are awaiting the arrival of our fifth child. We actually don't know whether the baby will be a boy or a girl because Sara wants it to be a surprise. I would rather know. So we made a compromise... we'll do what we did with the other four. We will wait and see who the baby is when he or she is birthed.

In case you didn't follow that, there really is no compromise:) Even though it is the same disagreement as before, I find myself getting excited because our family tradition that we have continues. When the baby is born, I get to announce who is coming into the world. I still even remember the day my oldest son was born. I excitedly shouted out, "It's Louis! It's Louis!" It was the first time we knew who he was. And it was the same for the other children as well. We made huge deals over naming our children_ we gathered names and made lists, took polls, read books on meanings of names and did then other different things.

Well, just when I think that I have the naming rights for the kids, I am humbly reminded of Who really has the naming rights. God has the rights! God knows who you are. David declares the awesome power of God in making you His precious creation. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

So be encouraged that God has created you and calls you His own. He knows your name:)

HE KNOWS YOUR NAME

I have a maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

my life was in His hands.

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when I call

I have a father

He calls me His own

He'll never leave me

No matter where I roam

He knows Your name

He knows your every thought

He sees all those tears that fall

And He'll hear you when you call.

I am still struck by the irony of that coming out the exact day that we knew Samuel would never breathe a breath on this earth in our arms. God knew the number of his days here on this earth and they had already come to pass.

We had that same song, He Knows My Name, at Samuel's memorial service just 5 days after the newsletter arrived at our house. I have always loved that song... now when I hear it... it evokes some strong emotions... still...

So that was the previous routine... things are different now... we are different, and we think about many things quite differently... So in my next post I will explain more why we are doing it differently this time around and why we are finding out as much as we can about this precious little one that is growing inside of me. :)

HONEST TRUTH

This is the honest truth...

This pregnancy after our full term loss of Samuel is MUCH harder than I EVER thought it would be.

You see, when you have a baby make it to full term, where they are as good as in your arms... and they die inside of you... you know full well, there is no safe time... you are NEVER in the clear...

I have thought since Samuel died, that the risk was getting pregnant again was 100% worth it... the end result if it goes as you desire is to have this beautiful precious living child in your arms... That is worth pretty much anything in my mind... but if you have experienced the loss of a baby, you know the depth of that kind of pain... deeper than I ever knew possible... even with knowing that the end result could be the same deep pain, it is still so worth it!

But here is where the rubber meets the road...

I will try not to share TMI but give you the basics... a couple of weeks ago, I started spotting some. It was never bright red blood, but looked like "old blood" to me. I had it for a couple of days, and then had an ultrasound right before we left for Louisiana that looked great. That sort of set my mind at ease.

I had some more earlier this week and called an spoke with a nurse, who was incredibly sweet. She gave me a few possible reasons for the spotting and said to call back anytime with any questions. Well, from what she said we figured it would slow and stop and not come back. Well, when it came back WAY MORE PRONOUNCED on Friday... you could say I sort of freaked.

I called them right away. It was still not bright red, but "old blood", but it was a larger amount of spotting than what I had previously. They said to come in and have the tech do an ultrasound. I right away asked, "But she won't be able to tell me anything right?" They said they would have me talk with the DR. right afterwards.

Here is where I DO NOT FIT THE NORMAL MOLD OF A PATIENT!!! I know their rules... but when you have had one child die in your womb and you know it in your heart, but they can't tell you... make you wait 15 minutes until the nurse just pokes her head in the room to just mention... "Your doctor in on the way... there was not cardiac activity in the baby." and she steps out.... the waiting for info just doesn't sit well with me.

The same exact thing happened with Joel the baby we were to adopt... I could see clear as day... no heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. We had to leave the ultrasound place go to another whole building and wait on the doctor... the whole time I was the only one who knew the truth about that baby... and everyone else was hoping everything was just fine... In fact I remember sitting with he birth mom, her mother and grandmother after the ultrasound, waiting for the tech to come back in. They all wanted to talk about what we would do after the baby came... where would the birth mom stay then since she had been staying with us? Would we come visit her with the baby? The whole time we are having this conversation... I am thinking the baby is gone... all we are discussing will never happen. It was just bizarre and felt totally wrong.

The crazy thing is we know our tech... and she is awesome!!! We love her, she is actually a member of our church and has done 3 other scans on me already with this baby! We trust her completely and she has treated us so incredibly well! (If you are reading this L... you know how much we love you and appreciate you!!!!)

Anyways, I left all the kids home, picked up Greg at work and headed down there. Right away when we met the tech...she tried to reassure us that all would be well. To be honest, I was 100% convinced that the baby as gone. I know that may sound weird to some, maybe understandable to others. I honestly told Greg that if it was still with us... that it may not be for long. I was a mess. My eyes were already puffy from the tears... I just wasn't sure how I would get through another miscarriage after I had made it so far... and the kids were worried and praying at home.

I have always been a really optimistic person... not so much anymore... How do you balance knowing that the most amazing thing may happen or that maybe that isn't God's plan and the most difficult thing may happen just as well? I REALLY struggle with that balancing your hope for the future with the reality of what you have already experienced? Does that make sense? (More on that in another post)

Ok, back to the the ultrasound. Well the minute she got it focused on the baby... I could see the heart beating nice and strong. I was so relieved... ahhhhh praise God! She checked a couple of things and then focused on the heartbeat and took the rate of how fast it was going. We could hear it loud and clear... it was beautiful. And then my husband did the MOST thoughtful thing. He very sweetly said to the tech, " Now we have had some not so good experiences in the past... how can we set Sara's mind at ease... that this really is the baby's heartbeat and not her own."

You know at that moment that thought hadn't even crossed my mind... I could see the baby's heart beating on the screen. But the minute he said it, I immediately started the ugly cry, noisy, shaking and all. (You see, when we suspected that Samuel was gone, we went to the Dr... we heard the heartbeat... was told it was his... but it wasn't. I even asked at the time... "Could that be my heartbeat?" I was reassured by some noise the dr. could hear of the valves... I know it was an honest mistake but, It was mine... panicked and racing. We were sent to the hospital, I even sent Greg off with some of the kids to Goodwill to find tennis shoes thinkig we were fine. I went up stairs with a couple of the kids only to see moments later that they couldn't find a heartbeat with the monitor... and there I sat alone... waiting for Greg to return... waiting hours for the ultrasound machine to make its way in the room... all the while knowing... THIS IS NOT RIGHT!)

Ok, back to the present, so there I sat a complete mess weeping on the ultrasound table. Two moments colliding in my mind... I was sooooooo very thankful and grateful to God for the precious sound of this baby's heartbeat... but at the same moment feeling the full weight of our previous experience. It was just hard. I am amazed sometimes that Greg has the insight to think of those kinds of things that may be worrying me... I love that about him... absolutely love that He totally understands my worries and concerns!

We got lots of great pics from our tech of this precious one again...

I then met with the Doctor who reassured me that everything looks great. He went on to say, "You know you measured about 12 weeks, you are as good as in the clear... Well, we all know you are never really in the clear." And that is the honest truth in a nutshell. As much as I feel great that I am heading into the 2nd trimester and all looks great. I will NEVER feel like I am in the clear with this little one. The doctor and the ultrasound tech both talked to us about what was causing the spotting. It looks like when the baby implanted... it sort of dug in so to speak... leaving some blood there. It is called a subchorionic Hematoma. I asked if it is normal for this to happen... he said, "Yes, well no, not normal, but it isn't uncommon... it is so common we would almost say it is normal" He said it does increase your risk of miscarriage. But that mine has gotten smaller on the ultrasounds which is a good thing.

Of course I googled it, not a good thing to do. It seems that there may be an increased risk of preterm labor or placental abruption... OK, that is a very bad thing... But the majority of women go on to have healthy babies. I really have had minimal spotting all in all, but enough to freak me out. The doctor really didn't seemed concerned. I am glad to know more of what to watch for just in case though... and I am not going to focus on all the what ifs... right now this baby is here and I am incredibly thankful for that!

So the funny thing is, I can rest in peace knowing that the Lord knows the number of this baby's days... I of course long for them to many many many. But I am not in control of that. I know He already knows exactly how this will all play out with this little one. There is not a single thing I can do to change that outcome. I have peace knowing it is out of my hands... yet I say that knowing I may not like the way it plays out. Do I know that God is capable of bringing this baby safely to us... 100%. I pray that is His will, but I will surrender to whatever His will is for this baby.

Would you pray for the safety and protection of this little one growing inside of me:) Pray for the Lord's will to be done and for peace to cover my heart! Would you also pray for the hemorrhage to disappear or be absorbed into the body, which is what can happen. I so appreciate knowing that others are praying for this precious little life that God has created! Thank you so much!

All of that to say.... the honest truth is that this pregnancy after loss thing is hard... totally worth it:), but really hard none the less... Thanks for walking it with me:)

Sorry for getting long winded....:)

ON THE ROAD AGAIN...

We are about to get back in the big white beast... and hit the open road...

I tell you I never used to think it was difficult to get ready for a trip...

But that was probably 4 kids ago:) That said, I wouldn't have it any other way:)
Well, except having one other precious little almost 2 year old boy in the car with us too:)


We all got another sneak peak at the little one yesterday...

He/she is the size of a peanut... only a peanut and there was the heart just chugging away... LOVE IT!

I can now be pretty much out from under the care of the California clinic... they said to call when I deliver... I have a little bit of a hard time believing that may really happen... a healthy, living, squirming, pink, screaming little baby in our arms next Spring...

We are trusting God each step of the way...

OH... MY.... GOODNESS... my husband was in rare form at our Love and Respect Bible Study last night... I feared I might be under the table in embarrassment by the end of the night... There were over 40 people there which made my heart swell for him... He is working so hard right now, between all he does at church, another masters class at night, and everything around the house... With a class at church you just never know what the turn out will be, but I am so thankful that people are seeing the value of this class. It is really good.

Anyways, I think what sent me OVER THE EDGE was when he was talking about how women and men are different and that we like to get together often and sit and visit over tea and GIBLETS...

What in the world are GIBLETS... AHHHHH CRUMPETS MAYBE??? oh my... he really did have me in stitches. I think the family life area is really his nitch and I am so happy he has finally found it:)

Well, I better run. We don't have a thing packed...

Be back in a couple of days:)

SOME PHOTOS I CAN NOW SHARE:)

I AM DRIVING GREG CRAZY WITH ALL THE HATS, FLOWERS, AND BOWS... BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF:)

EASTER SUNDAY... HOPE IS GETTING SOME LOVIN'


I JUST LOVE HER EXPRESSION IN THIS PICTURE.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES FROM MOTHER'S DAY

WELL TONIGHT I AM GLORIOUSLY NAUSEOUS AND FULL OF HEARTBURN FOR THE FIRST TIME:) YAY... ALL GOOD SIGNS:)

I WENT TO THE DR. TODAY AND HAD ANOTHER ULTRASOUND... STANDARD PROTOCOL FOR THE CALIFORNIA CLINIC. ANNA CAME WITH GREG AND I AND WE COULD ACTUALLY SEE THE LITTLE GUY/GIRL MOVING AROUND... HE/SHE IS ABOUT AN INCH LONG, BUT YOU COULD LITERALLY SEE THE MOVEMENT... IT WAS AMAZING! WHAT A MIRACLE IS GOING ON INSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW! WE ARE STILL IN AWE!

ALL THAT WORK TO GET MY HOME SCHOOL SCHEDULE READY BEFORE THE YEAR AND I HAVEN'T STUCK TO IT AT ALL. I AM DETERMINED TO DO BETTER NEXT WEEK:)

WE HAVE CANNED 15 QUART JARS OF APPLESAUCE, AND HAVE 3 GALLON SIZE FREEZER BAGS FULL OF DEHYDRATED APPLES FROM OUR NEIGHBORS APPLE TREE... WHAT A BLESSING... AND A WHOLE LOT OF HARD WORK:)

WE HAD A LOT OF RAIN TONIGHT AND IT WAS FINALLY A LITTLE COOLER TONIGHT. GREG AND I WENT FOR A WALK AND THE CLOUDS WERE BREATHTAKING... I COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK OF MY BOY ENJOYING HEAVEN IN ALL IT'S GLORY WHEREVER THAT MAY BE.

WE WILL BE FINALLY FINISHING UP OUR LOVE AND RESPECT BOOK WITH OUR SMALL GROUP TOMORROW NIGHT. IT HAS ONLY TAKEN A YEAR... BUT BOY HAVE WE HAD FUN AND HAD SOME LIVELY DISCUSSIONS. GREG IS NOW STARTING IT ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT CHURCH... LAST NIGHT WE HAD A GREAT TURNOUT... 38 PEOPLE CAME... WE PRAY THAT THEY CONTINUE TO COME. GREG AND I ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING THROUGH THE BOOK AGAIN...

SO THANKFUL TONIGHT FOR A GOOD ULTRASOUND, WONDERFUL, REFRESHING RAIN, AND THE GRACE OF GOD THAT HAS GOTTEN US THROUGH ANOTHER DAY:)

OVERCOME...

HERE IS THE NEWEST LITTLE HINTZ FAMILY ADDITION... YEAH... I KNOW IT ISN'T THE CLEAREST PICTURE... BUT THIS WAS AN AMAZING SIGHT FOR THIS MOM AND DAD'S EYES!

Today I was totally overcome with gratefulness when we saw ONE beautiful heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. (Don't get me wrong, I would have totally been grateful with 2 or 3 heartbeats:) I was overcome with gratefulness to God that He has allowed this to actually happen... we gave these babies a chance at life ... and it worked... It was ALL HIS work... every single bit of it:)

Today on my drive home from the ultrasound I was totally overcome with tears of gratefulness for our embryo donor! I just am amazed that she would bless us in such a way... with such an incredible gift... LIFE! I am completely humbled and truly feel pretty unworthy of such an awesome gift.

The Doctor (whom I love by the way, who also himself has lost a child, but his child was 18 I believe... He gets the grief, loss experience first hand which I really appreciate as we move forward with this pregnancy) was great as usual. The first time I met him, I called Greg after the visit and said, "I really hope I get pregnant so that we can actually use this guy as our Doctor... you will love him honey." He will have me see a high risk doctor just to make sure we stay totally on top of things given what happened with Samuel. I love that he will be vigilant with this go around.

I also know that anything can still happen, but the Doctor did say that those statistics go down significantly after you see a good heartbeat on a normal ultrasound. That gave my heart some peace. So we place this little baby in the Lord's hands... the very best place for he/she to be:) and we will see what happens...but at this point we are filled with joy.

One more thing... I know maybe some of you found my blog because you also have lost a child. Maybe some of you are longing for that baby or long to get pregnant, but it isn't happening for you. I know that hearing the news of a another pregnancy can be really difficult. I want you to know that I completely understand that. My heart goes out to you. I pray that our embryo adoption miracle doesn't deepen your pain. I also want you to know, that if you let me know, through an email or comment, I would love to be praying for you where ever you are in that grief journey. I mean that whole heartedly.

Oh by the way, here is a little bonus! Greg and I had lunch at PF Changs between the ultrasound and the Doctor's appt. After we ate we were talking with the waiter, who I think was a manager. We mentioned to him that we were celebrating this new life, and told him some about all of our other kids, including our miscarriage and Samuel. He then said that his wife had also had a stillbirth and a miscarriage... I was shocked... you just don't hear it that often... Then he came back and said that lunch was on him... What a special gift and treat!

THE TRANSFER:)

2 of the 3 precious miracles that were transferred to my womb on July 14th:)

Isn't that just absolutely wild... there they are. The more I have learned about embryo adoption and the further we get in the process... the more amazed I am by God's working through this.

That God could take these little tiny babies, allow them to be frozen and then thawed and breath life back into them is just incredible to me.

My sweet hubby and I flew out to CA on the 12th of July. We really had a fun couple of days before the transfer. Like I had said we haven't been away together in 12years so it was an incredible treat for us. On the 13th we met with our Dr. for the first time. Let me just say I was greatly impressed with him when I spoke with him over the phone. He was incredibly helpful and went above and beyond to be available if I needed to talk to him or his nurse.

When we met him on the 13th, he did a mock transfer where they basically map the cervix (sorry if that is TMI:) so there aren't any surprises on the day of the transfer. That all went great and then we met in his office to talk.

Our embryos had been thawed I believe early Monday. So now it was Tuesday... we didn't even really know if any of the 7 had survived the thaw. He told us all of them had. We were a little surprised, but thankful. We just hadn't expected that... but we were really happy... God had allowed them to survive the thaw even when the donor had been told that some of them really weren't worth freezing because they probably wouldn't survive the thaw... God had more days for those little babies. We firmly believe that God created those lives and He is the only one who should decide how long their lives are to be.

The doctor said that all had survived the thaw, but with partial survival. An example of this would be that one that had been a 10 celled embryo before the freeze, was now an 8 cell.... so on and so forth with the others. He said that all it takes is one good cell to keep multiplying into a baby. Our plan was to let them all grow out... transfer some and refreeze any others that were still growing. We really prayed that night that the Lord would guide our steps in knowing how many to transfer the next day.

After that appt. on Tuesday Greg and I had a ball driving through Beverly Hills, up the coast and spending a great evening with seminary friends the Barketts. The next morning we were up early to head to the clinic. My acupuncturist was going to give me a treatment before and after the transfer (This is supposed to up the chances of success with a Frozen Embryo Transfer)... but we needed to meet with the Doctor or the embryologist before as well. I think the Doctor was in surgery so we met with the embryologist and he gave us the picture from above. I do have another picture of the other 5 embryos...

At this point right before the transfer there were 3 that we knew we would transfer. There were 3 that were already starting to show signs of not living anymore and one that they said probably had a 5% chance of surviving. I headed in to the transfer room with the acupuncturist , ( who of course was awesome and had me relaxed in no time:) and Greg was going to decide with the Doctor if we would transfer the 4th also or let it grow out and refreeze if it lived. I have to say I was completely at ease... I think we had prayed about this so much... felt like God had just mapped out the journey to that point and now we were just resting in HIM, waiting for it to unfold.

Greg had a great chance to share his faith with the Doctor... he was so excited about it when he came in the room to me. They had decided to just transfer the 3. The main reason was that with our donor being young when the embryos were frozen, even if they had maybe lagged behind in growth from what the Dr. had ultimately desired, the potential genetically was still there for multiple healthy babies... and he wanted to err on the safe side.

The procedure was completely painless... really I didn't feel a thing. I got to watch on the ultrasound machine as they went in, but I couldn't see anything. It was just downright wild to know at that moment these little lives were put in my womb. The Doctor said that I did everything I needed to do to get to that point and now we just wait and see. I had some more acupuncture, got some instructions for bed rest for the next couple 24-48 hours and we were on our way.

This was one funny thing... he did say to not stress my body physically, emotionally, or calorically... yes, you read that right:) calorically:) I asked what he meant by that, and he said this was not the time to stay away from ice cream, but to allow myself those treats... and allow myself those treats I did. When Greg and I went out that night to BUCAS, a family style Italian Restaurant, I of course forgot the family style part and ordered myself some family style
Tiramasu... OH, MY... DELISH!!! But I was eating it for the next 2 days:)

I also had cut up 2 pineapples the night before at our friends and ate the cores of those big boys! Apparently, there is something in the core that is supposed to aid in the implantation of a baby... YAY... it worked!

We spent all that Wednesday and Thursday just hanging around the pool, the hotel room, reading, watching TV, and eating delicious Thai food. Then Friday morning we set out early for the LA airport.

The plan was to be in contact with the clinic over the next few days to see if the remaining embryos continued growing. We were sad to hear that all of them were no longer living. We didn't have any to refreeze. That was a little sad, but it did give my heart comfort to know that was too in the Lord's hands... he had allowed them the number of days He planned for them.

So that was the transfer in a nutshell. And here we are on the other side. We have our ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. There is already a balancing of emotions on that arena. Thank God my hubby will be going with me, and we will be meeting with the Doctor afterwards to discuss the ultrasound. We are praying for a good outcome... knowing God is able... and knowing we don't know what His will is for these 3 babies that were transferred... we will see soon enough. I am delighted to have been a warm, safe place for them to grow for as long as the Lord allows:)

EXPERIENCING A LITTLE SORENESS:)

Experiencing a little soreness....

on my rear that is:)

Experiencing what my husband would be like as a male nurse...

and the freaky thing is he would be really good:)

Experiencing some nausea...

for which I am extremely grateful...:)

Experiencing too much over the top heat...

I think we are supposedly expecting a cool front...

It is supposed to be around 93 degrees and Greg is trying to convince me, that it really will feel so much better:)

Experiencing our last week of summer coming up this next week...

I am school planned, schedule made up for all 5 kiddos, and have our daily/weekly/and monthly chore charts made up...

I feel like I got a HUGE amount of things accomplished on my day out...

Thank you Greg for letting me do that...

I am hoping we will all reap the benefits:)

Experienced a whole lot of tears tonight watching the movie Letters from God with my 2 older boys...

It was really good, and very touching... yay... for a good Christian based movie out there!

So I want to give you a quick little overview on the meds that I had to take for the Frozen Embryo Transfer...

Basically all we did was pick a date for the transfer... Wednesday JULY 14th 2010. The clinic counted back 3 weeks and that was the first day of my delestrogen shots. I needed to take them 2 times a week until the transfer. This was to help prepare the lining of the uterus to be ready to receive the baby/babies. You need to have a good thick lining to make it the perfect place for the baby to grow:) And each ultrasound I had showed that my body was doing just as we were hoping it to. One week before the transfer we added the shots of progesterone every morning. You need progesterone early in pregnancy to help sustain the pregnancy. In fact for me I have needed progesterone supplements with a couple of my pregnancy because I was low on my own. So after the transfer I have continued on the daily progesterone and the delestrogen twice a week.

Now let me tell you, the needles are big... REALLY BIG to me:), but I am a bit of a wimp. Actually my mom who used to be a nurse even said they were pretty big. Truly I am not sure how Jen, my friend at http://www.kellerfamilyof9.com/p:// gave the shots to herself when she was pregnant with Blakely through embryo adoption. I am impressed:) But with some ice on the old rear prior, sometimes I barely feel the needle going in. The medication is thick so there is usually some pressure as it goes in.

It is funny, Greg does a great job... and the kids love to watch him give me the shots.

So that is basically it as far as the meds go... really that part hasn't been a big expense at all... and so worth every penny and needle prick...

We are so thankful for every step of this journey and for the little one/ones that he has given us for as long as He allows he/she/them to stay with us.:) Won't it be nice after my ultrasound, Lord willing, to know what and how many are in there exactly:)

Trusting in HIM

EVERY GOOD AND PERFECT GIFT IS FROM ABOVE... COMING DOWN FROM THE FATHER OF THE HEAVENLY LIGHTS WHO DOES NOT CHANGE LIKE SHIFTING SHADOWS. JAMES 1:17

MORE ON OUR MIRACLE... THE CONCLUSION:)

I believe I left off with putting our potential embryo adoption on hold because of possible extra costs that we figured we would incur as a result of sweet baby girls extra court hearings... so from here we continue...

We were really fortunate to have an atty recommended from our agency to do our legal work regarding sweet baby girls adoption. I called him after things started to get sticky... Praise God we were led to a Christian atty who himself had adopted 2 children. He heard that Greg was in church work and was gracious to give us a discount... That was such a tremendous blessing. We just had no idea the amount of extra time it would take him and what a ball park area of additional costs that would be.

Part of the trouble was that we really weren't sure how many additional court hearings there would be... and how many we/he would need to be present for. It was sort of a take it as you go sort of deal. And just when we thought we knew the way it was headed there would be an additional court hearing or appeal...it was crazy... thankfully most of this was all done with the agency and not us and our atty. We didn't have to be there... but our heart was certainly on the line...We still sort of waited to see how things would unfold.

The sweet gal, who had the embryos, and I continued to email each other. As we both blogged and shared more of our families, our grief, and our lifes journeys... I felt like we continued to get to know each other more. My heart continued to grow in admiration for her.

I don't really remember exactly when I got a particular email from her, but one day... I think in April I got an email from her that got my heart pumping:) It put adopting her embryos right back on the front burner. She said that she really needed to make a decision on what to do with her embryos. Her desire was for them to be a part of our family, but at the same time she didn't want to put any additional pressure on us. She knew that if we didn't agree to take them that the Lord had someone else for them. She just knew that she had to make a decision on what to do with them. She wanted to give them a chance at life now...

I replied saying that Greg and I would really pray about it and get back to her.

Now anyone who knows me knows it would be a slam dunk decision for me....

And anyone who knows my husband knows he can be a bit of a worrier. I do not mean that in a bad way. It is just a little more a part of his nature. His main concerns were that we truly give them all a chance at life... What if that meant that we had 7 more children?? We both knew that statistically that was almost an impossibility... but at the same time we knew that WITH GOD ANYTHINGWASS POSSIBLE. I guess for me that is what set my mind at ease... if that were to happen it would totally have to be His will. ( Now I don't mean 7 at one time... but eventually after numerous transfers. Any doctors I had spoke with were always very conservative... not wanting to transfer too many at one time. )

We spent a good couple of weeks in prayer and talking it over Greg and I. We also were able to get a ball park figure for our additional costs for sweet baby girl and were really pleasantly surprised by it. And eventually we felt led to GO FOR IT! I notified this sweet girl and she was really happy about it. It was sort of amazing, she felt blessed by us giving her babies a chance at life... a chance that she could not give them right now.

We felt so blessed, honored, and privileged that she would give us this gift. It is a miracle to us. I can not imagine being in her shoes... I just can't. But her gift to us is like none other that we have ever received... we are in awe of her generosity to us. How can you thank someone for giving you the gift of carrying a life. And really to me... I could never take it lightly. I know that she has seen on our blog our family, our kids, our lifestyle...but I just feel that I want to do the very best with this gift we have been given.

The ultimate kicker is just how God brought that all together... how he brought our embryo donor to us. I truly feel like we are so like minded morally in our thoughts on these babies. I can honestly say, that the more I have gotten to know her, the more I love her. She and her twins are in my prayers many, many days and I am amazed by her perseverance and faith in Christ.

So on June 9th 2010 we legally adopted our 7 embryos... We each had our own lawyers from California since that is where we planned to do the transfer. (Yeah, that was the WHOLE reason my honey and I took the trip to California. It was a sweet getaway for us... but we did have HUGE reasons for going out there besides just a vacation:) Man, they are very knowledgeable in all the ins and outs of adopting embryos. Even the adopting process was totally painless for us. I say for us, because I know it could not have felt nearly the same for our donor. What a sacrifice. We are in awe...

Can you believe it? This baby or these babies growing inside of me are adopted? The Lord chose to grow these precious little ones inside of me, after being frozen for 5 years. The Lord found a way to bring two families together from 2 different parts of the country to give these babies a chance at life. It is truly a miracle.

I am nervously looking forward to my ultrasound next Thursday the 19th... I am praying that we will see a little heartbeat or heartbeats:) I know that these little ones that were transferred are totally in God's hands, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is some anxiety there... not really anxiety, I guess more just a fear of things ending much sooner than I hope. I know the Lord knows the number of their days... and I just need to rest and trust in His plan. That is easier said than done:)

I will try to post some about the preparation and actual Transfer sometime soon...

I miss posting pictures of the kids... and maybe I can post a picture soon of the embryos we actually transferred:)

OUR MIRACLE PART TWO:)

I know that this whole miracle of the little one in my womb is not at all conventional... but truly I see the WHOLE story as a total God thing... and that is why I continue to share more of the story... I want him to receive all the glory... it is totally His work... we are just a part of it... and are absolutely thrilled to be...:)

I got a call today from our upstairs neighbor at the seminary... (man I miss you Maryann:) to congratulate us. She said she was amazed by our desire to do what we feel the Lord leading us to do even though the risk for big loss is there. I told her right away... that there was nothing to be amazed with on our part... but that we felt led by God to walk forward knowing His will would be done... and He would get us through that if it ends in a gloriously wonderful way with a baby in our arms or if it doesn't end the way we are hoping... He will carry us and sustain us through it all. If it doesn't got the way we are hoping will we be sad? Of course... but we know He will get us through that time too... we have seen Him to be faithful over and over again... and we know He will prove faithful no matter how this goes:)

OK, so I left off with us on the waiting list at the fertility clinic here in town... waiting for a match from a couple that had embryos they were willing to donate.

Here is where the crazy stuff starts happening... Not really crazy, but crazy to me in how God worked... unbelievable more like.

So later that same day, the day that we had our appointment at the fertility clinic I was checking a blog of a gal in Kansas... Jen. I always thought her blog was really neat... she was a mom to 7... six at the time adopted. Anyways.... I checked her blog that day and guess what she is announcing.... she is pregnant as a result of embryo adoption. In my head I was thinking... you have got to be kidding me... this is just too wild. So I was going to comment and congratulate her. When I clicked on the comments I read the other 11 before mine and was smiling as I read of everyone's joy for her.

Then I came across a comment from a gal saying that she was on the other side of the situation, looking for a loving Christian couple to adopt her embryos. Call me nosy... call it the Lord's leading...whatever it was, I clicked on her name and it led me to her profile for her blog. I went to her blog and started reading.

Immediately my heart went out to her... she was a young widow... only 30 years old. Her husband had died just 4 mos. before Samuel. Immediately I felt a connection to her... We were 2 women who had both experienced a loss. I can not imagine losing my husband at such a young age. Our losses were different, yet grief is similar in a lot of ways for those who are grieving and different in other ways. She had beautiful 3+year old twins. They were just precious. She had an amazing faith in the Lord that was plain to see all over her blog. My heart just broke for her as I read her story.

That was when the strangest thing happened. I felt this really strong urge to email her. I know this may sound odd to some, but I have found great comfort in words from other bloggers who have suffered a similar loss to me. I have made precious friends that are now my friends in real life.

It was wild, here is she a Christian young lady needing a family for her embryos. Here we had just been to the clinic talking about embryo donation. Here I had come across her on a blog post about a pregnancy as a result of embryo adoption. There were a lot of things going through my mind. Looking back I know that the nudging to email her was from the Holy Spirit... I ignored it for hours... but it was continuously heavy on my heart that night. I was up late, late, late, praying about it.

After many many hours of ignoring it, still feeling the strong nudging, praying about it... I just felt like it was God leading me to email her... I didn't want to ignore Him. The first thing I thought was that I did not want her to think that I was after her embryos. When I emailed her I first off expressed my sympathies to her on the loss of her husband and told her of our Samuel. Then I told her how I had come across her comment on the other blog and that I just felt a need to email her and tell her our situation. I totally told her to completely disregard my email if it seemed odd to her at all. And I gave her our blog address so she could read up on our family and the rest of our story.

It was crazy the next morning I had an email from here saying that she was a bit shocked but really pleasantly surprised by my email. She had read our blog and thought we should both pray about it, seek some Godly counsel, and email each other again in a week. (Later on after I had spoke with her and Jen on the phone I had heard that she emailed Jen right away asking if I was legit... or somewhat crazy. Jen had told her that she had read my blogand that I seemed like the real deal:) I totally understood her doing that)

About a week later we emailed again and decided to keep moving forward with the possibility of her donating her embryos to us. She emailed us a list of questions to get to know us better, hear more about our faith in our Savior Jesus, and to figure out more where were at morally with what we would do with her embryos. She had 7 embryos and she wanted to make sure we would give them ALL a chance at life. I assured her that was something that she didn't at all have to worry about with us... they would all get a chance.

I stayed up really late one night answering all of her questions ... it was actually really fun to tell her more about who we were. I wanted it to be the right thing and for her to have total peace about it if this was something we would really move forward with. I wanted her to really know more of who we honestly are.

I then sent her a some questions. It was really cool to hear more about her and what her husband was like. These embryos would be genetically theirs so it was neat to hear more about their likes/dislikes , hobbies etc. Our possible future children would look like them and probably act a lot like them so this was just fascinating to me.

We continued to email back and forth. Then on December 11th we brought sweet baby girl home. I emailed her at that point and said that having sweet baby girl here didn't change our feelings at all on adopting her embryos. But I think it was February when I emailed her and said we may need to put it on hold a bit. As sweet baby girls whole adoption situation got stickier and stickier and the costs associated seemed like they might go up significantly we weren't sure if we would have the funds to do the embryo adoption also. She totally understood and we agreed to just wait a bit and see how things played out.

Let me explain just a bit here on how the cost associated with embryo adoption stand up against regular adoption or even IVF for that matter.

IVF can cost anywhere from about 12,000- $19,000 depending on medications.

Regular domestic adoptions can cost anywhere from $8,000 at a strictly volunteer run organization to up to $28,000

And embryo adoption can range anywhere from around $3,000 to $20,000

I knew that our costs would definitely be on the lower end of that.

So that is where I will leave you today... this sweet precious gal and I still emailing... but the embryo adoption on hold...

Hopefully I can get the rest of the story posted next time... and then maybe just do some fun posts on the logistics of how this little one came to be... Thanks for hanging with us...