Such a special day....

Here is Levi with our donor mom and her 2 kids...

The whole crew....

Sweet Little Levi with 2 ladies that love him so much!


Can I just tell you how amazed I am by our gracious God who works in such mysterious ways...
Today we had a special day planned...
Honestly, I wasn't sure if this day would ever happen... we have pretty much always left it open to our donor mom to do whatever she felt was right at the time...

I am soooooo glad that God allowed us to meet in person.
She is just as amazing in person as I have thought that she would be...
And her kids are just as precious:)

When she got to my parents, I couldn't contain myself and went outside to walk her up to the house. I just gave her a big hug and of course my emotions totally got the best of me. I could barely squeak out the thank you I have thought about giving to her in person, for months.
Really, it is just impossible to thank her to the degree that I want to for this sweet little cuddly miracle and gift of Levi...

Later in the day she thanked me for giving Levi a life that she could not give him right now. I couldn't help but say, I think we totally got the way better end of the deal:) I do know that it brings her heart peace to know that Levi will be raised in a Christian home where he will learn all about the Savior who loves him and died for him.

We sat on the couch and visited. I absolutely loved getting to learn more details about her and Ryan, Levi's donor dad, who died 3 years ago...

My parents live on a plot of land with my 2 brother's families... I knew that my sister in laws and nieces were chomping at the bit to come and meet them:)

For me it was like visiting with an old friend, I learned so many new things about them and their families, yet from reading each others blogs, I felt like I already totally knew them. God is so amazing to weave our lives together out of such heartache for both of us...

Honestly, she is one of the most mature, respectful people... asking if she could take his picture or give him a kiss... of course I said.... ABSOLUTELY... NO PROBLEM!

I can not imagine how today was for her and how hard it might have been....

For me, I am on the end of living life with this precious gift that never would have happened with out her... I am completely in awe of the miracle of it all! I really don't feel like that feeling of absolutely blessedness will ever leave me. I can not look at Levi with out being overcome with the goodness of our God.

Before she left she looked at him and said something about growing up to know Jesus so that one day we can all live together forever, Levi, Ryan, Samuel, all of us... Oh, I can not wait for that day... this life here is but a blink of an eye compared to eternity...

As awesome as that day will be.... today was an extremely special day this side of Heaven...

WE MADE IT....

The kids and I made it here safely late late Monday night...had to pull over a couple of times just to make sure I was wide awake:) I would never want to put my sweet little treasures in harms way... Louis stayed up with me and we chatted together. That was nice.

My talk at the seminary was so nice. The people were super receptive to me sharing my story... they were incredibly gracious as I spoke through tears some of the time... they even shed some tears with me. I feel so humbled to be able to share God's story of our family and adding Samuel, Hope and Levi over the past couple of years... I was so blessed to be able to talk about my Samuel and share him with others, something I don't get to do that often... The whole things just went better than I expected. I pray God uses it in others lives as they reach out to member in their future congregations who are grieving losses. I pray that it opened up their eyes to valuing life... no matter how short... no matter the stage in pregnancy or conception. It was a joy:) God was so faithful!

We are totally enjoying the cooler temps... it has been awesome!! We are basically doing a lot of hanging out with cousins and my brothers, sister in laws and families. My parents come home Friday, so we will get to add grandparents to the mix... Then next week Greg, and my sister family will come from Boston and my youngest brother and family will join us too... All 34 of us... I can't wait:) It has been too long since we were home...

And I can't wait to see Levi's donor mom in just 4 days... I am just so excited... I am overcome with God's goodness and faithfulness through all things. I know I say that all the time, but I can't help it... I am in awe that He brought her and her twins into our lives.

If you think of it pray for Levi, he has a really bad cough... we had our 2nd dr. visit today. He has a bad cough, but besides that is great... happy, eating well, breathing fine... it still just worries me... I want him to be healthy... :) Man he is a joy....

Just wanted to update you all... Can't wait to share with you how Saturday is and share some pics of the kids and their cousins...

WORTH IT!!!

Anna and I with some friends from church at the mother/daughter ettiquette tea party at church last week...

It all turned out great... I was so thankful to have all the help that I did. I could never have pulled it off on my own. We went over place settings and table ettiquette and then tried to practice some of it while we ate. This will sound sad, but honestly, it is so good for me to be reminded of a lot of the ettiquette rules...

Levi... sporting a sweet onesie that was a gift from a blog friend in Canada who had also lost a baby... Thanks Laura...

Oh... the waiting that went on for this little sweet guy.... It was so worth it!!!

We have had such a busy week trying to get ready for the kids and I to head out of town. G will join us down the road for a little bit. I got a whole mess of meals frozen so that cooking will be easy up north. I know my mom would never have said to bring any food... but I just felt like it is one way I can help, but yet prepare ahead of time.

I have felt behind all summer around the house. How can that be when we aren't doing school or music lessons. We are taking a break from so much yet, I am having a hard time getting things accomplished. Really though, so often I can't help myself form just sitting with Levi in my arms soaking up his preciousness. I love cuddling with him... there is nothing better:)

Gotta run and get in bed... too late again... I must turn over a new leaf in this area... last mother/daughter class tomorrow... then cleaning up the house... I like to come home to a clean house after vacation... but then again Greg will still be here, but he doesn't create nearly the mess we all do:)

GOD IS USING HIM...

God continues to use this precious little boy...

I am so very thankful for that...

I can't tell you how much I still miss this little guy...ouch...

There have been so so many times that some have made me to feel that his life didn't count to them, wasn't a full life, because he never breathed a breath of air outside of my womb, or because they never saw him with their own eyes.

Over the last 33 months I have seen glimpses of how God has used his sweet little life to make an impact on others besides just members of our family. I remember the secretary from our church up north sending me a letter telling me all the ways that Samuel's short life had touched her life... That was one of the most precious gifts I have ever received...

Conversations with my dear friend from seminary where she will repeatedly mention Samuel and how it opened her eyes to so many things, changed her and how she sees things differently because of him; how she interacts differently with hurting people all because of his short life. She and her husband would have been Samuel's godparents... instead they are Hope's:)

Oh... my... Most people do not think to bring him up (I get it... it has been a long time:(... some are willing to talk about Samuel if I bring him up in conversation... some, I know, would run the other way if I brought him up...

But the few others who actually make it a point to mention him...ask me how I am doing at this point ... things like this are like a healing salve to my momma's heart... still 33 months later...

Does that sound crazy? 33 months later... I am just shaking my head looking at those words, 33 months later... I just wrote this same friend a letter last night telling her sometimes I feel like I have awoken from a 2 1/2 year coma...

Since Levi has arrived I feel like myself in ways that I haven't in SUCH A LONG TIME...
I catch myself rockin out to songs in the radio just to get the kids to giggle...
It feels so good... so so good....

Anyways, back to the point of my post...
I have said from day 1... Lord please don't waste this pain... please use it somehow...

Well, like I said I have seen glimpses of how God has used Samuel in other's lives. Two very exciting things are happening that are obvious ways that God is using Samuel to bring Him glory.

When I head up north with the kids, (Greg will be staying home and joining us down the road) we will make a stop in St. Louis for me to speak on campus at the seminary... The pro-life group has asked me to come and share our story of the last few years since we left the seminary.... God's story of Samuel, Hope and Levi...

Honestly, I am totally humbled. I am not in any way a public speaker. But given the opportunity to share about my kids and the miracles that He has worked through bringing each of them to us in such unique ways... I can't pass that up. If you think of it, I would appreciate any prayers... that I can articulate exactly what God wants me to, to this group of people. I can't wait to share with them the blessing and value of a life no matter how short or long it was lived here on earth.

The leader also wants me to talk about how we can help those that are grieving, and to leave time for questions. That will actually happen a week from today. Who knows, there may only be a few people there or more... I know God will bring the exact people that He wants to bring there.

Another sweet opportunity that has come my way is to help take over the infant loss support group that I attend every month, MEND Tulsa. Our wonderful leader is resigning and a sweet friend and I are going to take over the leadership. She will be the head director and I will assist her. When I heard that our leader was going to resign, the very first thing I thought was that there was no way that we could let this ministry end... it is too vital to so many mama's who have lost babies and to the many mama's who will lose babies in the future in the Tulsa area.

MEND was a lifeline to me in the first year and has been such a huge blessing to me since then. As much as others might think that they understand, unless they have lived it as well, they really don't fully understand. They can sympathize with you, but really don't "get it" so to speak.

So, to provide a safe place to heal and share with others who have walked in the same shoes, is so vital when your world has been turned upside down. I am really looking forward to continuing to use our "Samuel experience" to help give others hope... that you really will survive the loss. You will forever be changed. You will forever miss and grieve for that sweet baby... but God is faithful to carry you through...

I just wanted to share with you how God is still using our Samuel 33 months later... and that feels so good!

A DAY THAT GOD GAVE LIFE...

THESE ARE 2 OF THE 3 EMBRYOS THAT THEY TRANSFERED INTO MY WOMB ONE YEAR AGO TODAY... MOST LIKELY OUR SWEET LEVI IS THE ONE ON THE LEFT:)

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES...:)

HE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES:)

I can hardly believe that a whole year has passed since Greg and I flew out to LA to transfer the babies. What an experience that was:)

I am thrilled beyond belief that the Lord saw fit to allow this little guy to live and thrive inside of me and now outside of me...

I know that it could have turned out so differently. I am so thankful to God that this was His plan to give us this miracle!

Levi Ryan,

Oh sweet precious little one. You are like a breath of fresh air in our lives. Every single person in this house can't get enough of you. You add an abundance of joy to each day and you couldn't really be an easier baby. You are such a delight to our hearts. Your life has brought healing to places in my heart that I thought might never heal. I just know that the Lord has big things in store for your life. He has worked through such challenging and difficult circumstances to bring you here. We look forward many more happy healthy years together , Lord willing. We love you so much sweet boy!

BABY BLUES...updated

UPDATED: I scheduled this post... but all I had was the uploaded photo....

Can you believe that face... and eyes? What a sweet little nugget! So often people remark on what a cutie pie Levi is... and I love it because I can really take no credit for it:) This little guy was formed years ago... frozen for 5 years, thawed and transfered to my womb for a nice warm place to grow...

Can you believe that? What a miracle! What a precious and amazing creation from God!!

I have news that I am so excited to share... Last week I contacted our donor mom. We email every once in a while or message on facebook. I mentioned that I would be heading up north at the end of the month and that if she wanted to meet Levi face to face we could maybe arrange something.

I always want to be sensitive to her feelings, so I mentioned that if she is never ready to do that this side of Heaven, that we understand... no pressure on our end.

We have actually arranged for her to come to my parents... She doesn't live anywhere near them, but was going to be traveling just a couple of hours away so it will work out great!

I am so excited... She is bringing her twins along. I can't wait to thank her in person... but really feel that no matter what I say, it can't ever really be enough to express how extrememly grateful I am to her. How can I adequately articulate everything I feel deep inside of me?

The only bummer part is that Greg won't be up north yet. He is really disappointed that he will miss getting to see them.

I am just in awe of God's faithfulness through the extremely dark and difficult times. Then I am amazed at the beauty that He created in this sweet little boy... Such preciousness from such pain on both of our sides. God is so so good!

PRAYERS NEEDED

Today our friend from Seminary who is a pastor in Illinois is going through a superbeam stem cell transplant in Arkansas. He is at the Multiple Myloma Institute. He has been fighting this cancer for the last 2 years and is tired.

Right now he isn't eligible for the clinical trial they were waiting on because of an increase in lesions in his back from 4 to 39 since last Friday.

Please pray for a miracle healing... pray for God's will to be done... Pray for strength for Matt's body as this will wear him out... Pray for Janet his wife who is at home with the 2 kids in IL. Pray for Matt's mom who is with him in Arkansas. Pray for the Lord to give clear guidance and direction for them. Pray for their 2 girls, 12 and 9 who are worried about their daddy.

Please pray with us for this sweet family... let's be the body!
Thanks friends!