Wednesday, June 30, 2010

THE SPLASH PAD

OUR FRIENDS WHO INVITED US TO THE SPLASH PAD...
MY SWEET JOJO


ANNA HAD AN ABSOLUTE BALL


MAN, THIS LITTLE PUMPKIN MELTS MY HEART:)


SISTERS... ENJOYING THE WATER AND EACH OTHER:)



WE HAVE HAD A SUPER BUSY WEEK WITH THE OLDER BOYS HAVING BASKETBALL CAMP UP AT CHURCH, SOME ACUPUNCTURE APPTS, NUMEROUS DR.S APPTS, AND THE FUN OF NORMAL LIFE.
WE ARE SUPER EXCITED FOR OUR DEAR FRIENDS THE STOCKTONS TO COME UP TO VISIT FOR THE HOLIDAY WEEKEND... THE KIDS HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR WEEKS... AND GREG AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR SOME GOOD LAUGHS WITH OUR PRECIOUS FRIENDS.
AND TOMORROW WE HAVE OUR FIRST TEENAGER IN THE HOUSE... MY BIG LOU TURNS THIRTEEN... THE KING FOR THE DAY HAS CHOSEN DUSTY ROAD SUNDAES FOR BREAKFAST... IT SHOULD BE A GREAT DAY!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

THE HARVEST IS STARTING...

I LOVE PEA POD FLOWERS... THEY ARE SO PRETTY UP CLOSE...

YAY... GREEN BEANS... THE KIDS LOVE TO EAT THEM RAW FRESH OUT OF THE GARDEN.
MY PEPPERS NEVER SEEM TO DO WELL... I AM HOPING THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT:)



THIS IS SO PAR FOR THE COURSE FOR OUR GARDENS... I HAD THROWN LAST YEARS PUMPKINS OUT BACK AND THIS IS WHAT WE ENDED UP WITH... A WHOLE SLEW OF PUMPKINS READY FOR CARVING IN JUNE... IT JUST MAKES ME LAUGH:)



YUMMY... BLACK BERRIES AND RED RASPBERRIES ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE TREAT... I THINK IT STEMS FROM THE RED RASPBERRY CUSTARD SUNDAES I USED TO GET AS A KID FROM GILLES CUSTARD STAND IN MILWAUKEE... OUR RED RASPBERRIES ARE ALREADY DONE... WE HAVE A BUMPER CROP OF BLACK BERRIES AND THE BLUEBERRIES... WELL, I THINK WE WILL EACH GET ABOUT 3:)
I WILL POST MORE GARDEN PICTURES AS WE GET TO PICKIN' MORE:)
I LOVE HOW GARDENING GIVES US ALL A CHANCE TO SEE THE MIRACLE OF HOW GOD MAKES THINGS GROW INTO SOMETHING AMAZING ALL FROM THIS TINY LITTLE SEED... GOD'S HANDIWORK THAT IS FOR SURE... IT IS JUST AWESOME... NOT TO MENTION IT CUTS DOWN ON THE GROCERY BILL:)



Thursday, June 24, 2010

THIS IS WHAT I SPENT PART OF MY MORNING DOING....

CAN YOU SEE THE LITTLE ONE STICKING OUT OF MY EAR??

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT ACUPUNCTURE COULD BE SO RELAXING...

IT WAS THE BEST NAP THIS GIRL HAS TAKEN IN A LONG TIME:)

Monday, June 21, 2010

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!


Jojo and Grandpa Hintz... I am so blessed to have such a great father in law... I always can't help but think that He has to be a great father to raise his son into the man I fell in love with 18 years ago.


Jojo with Grandpa Neumann... I was blessed with such a wonderful dad.... still am. He is funny, loving, adventurous, kind, full of the Hootspa:) and just all around great!



And here is the man of the hour... or year for that matter. I can not thank God enough for bringing Greg into my life some 21 years ago... He is an amazing husband to me. He has been more than I ever could have imagined, especially these last 18 mos.

He is a wonderful daddy to our 6 kids... I couldn't have asked for a better papa for my children. I am so thankful to get to journey through this life together with him.
Here is to wishing my hubby a Happy Father's Day... a couple days late and from many miles away.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

RANDOM THOUGHTS...

BROTHERS TRYING TO STAY COOL
CHECK OUT THE BUNS ON SWEET BABY GIRL...




I AM BURNT TO A CRISP... TOO MUCH SUNSHINE AT THE GARAGE SALE...(WHY IS IT I CAN REMEMBER TO COAT THE KIDS IN SUNBLOCK BUT ALWAYS FORGET MYSELF....?)

CAN I JUST SAY THAT OKLAHOMA IS SOOOOO UNBELIEVABLY HOT... LITERALLY I THINK MY NORTHERN WISCONSIN BLOOD IS STARTING TO BOIL:) I READ SOME WHERE THAT TODAY THE HEAT INDEX WAS 117... CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? CRAZINESS...

WE MADE ENOUGH AT THE GARAGE SALE TO HOPEFULLY COME REALLY CLOSE TO PURCHASING ONE OF OUR PLANE TICKETS TO CALIFORNIA...NOW WE JUST NEED TO DECIDE WHO IS COMING WITH ME... MORE ON THAT TO COME, AT SOME POINT...

I GOT A PACKAGE IN THE MAIL TODAY THAT TRULY SCARED THE HECK OUT OF ME... BUT THRILLED ME AND GOT ME SO EXCITED ALL IN THE SAME MOMENT:)

JUST GOT DONE EATING FRESH ZUCCHINI FROM SOMEONES GARDEN, FROZEN PIZZA, AND SNICKERS APPLE SALAD... (I KNOW NOT THE HEALTHIEST ALL THE WAY AROUND ... BUT BOY WAS IT YUMMY)

I AM MISSING MY HUBBY SOOOOO MUCH... ONE DAY DOWN...

WE HAD SOME REALLY NICE HOUSE GUESTS THIS WEEK, A COUPLE FROM IOWA HAD TO COME TO TOWN FOR THE WAITING FAMILIES WORKSHOP TO ADOPT WITH CPO... I THINK I SCARED THEM WHEN I GAVE THEM OUR STORY TO OUR HOPEFUL ADOPTION OF SWEET BABY GIRL... YIKES!

I ACTUALLY PAID FOR A SQUIRT OUT OF A SODA MACHINE AT THE GROCERY STORE TODAY... GENERALLY I DON'T DRINK SODA... BUT IT SOUNDED SO GOOD TO ME AT THE MOMENT.

WE ARE DONE WITH ALL OF THE MAJOR COMMITMENTS WE HAD FOR EARLY SUMMER... ALTHOUGH THEY WERE REALLY GREAT... I AM SO EXCITED TO BE ABLE TO NOW JUST HANG OUT WITH MY KIDS...

OK, ENOUGH RANDOM THOUGHTS...

HAVE SOME AWESOME WORSHIP TOMORROW ALL:)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

AHHHHH!

Someone please remind me why I let the kids talk me into being a part of the neighborhood garage sale... oh my...goodness is all I can say right now...

Now to find out if any of my "trash" becomes someone else's treasure...

Hubby will be on a mission trip for a bit... I miss him already and he is still hunkered down in our bed for the night... I will be snugglin up close to him tonight, that is for-sure... truth be told... I snuggle up close EVERY night:) I will miss my snuggle partner... although I know that I have a few other little sweeties that are already taking dibs on who gets to sleep in the big bed with mama for the week:)

It will be strange not having him here for Father's Day... but I know that they will be working at some orphanages... maybe he will be papa to some of them for the day... I love it! At dinner we were all talking about what we want papa to do for us there in Grenada... some of the things said were... swim in the ocean, bring home souvenirs, tell them about Jesus, stay away from sharks... then my sweet honey said, what if I came home with another brother or sister as a souvenir... Now I know that is an impossibility (well, I know nothing is impossible with God:), but just his comment warmed my heart... Over the past few years I have seen his heart soften and break for the orphans of this world... I can not wait to hear the stories that he will have to share...

Ok, off to hit the hay... I know those crazy early morning rummagers will come early:)

Monday, June 14, 2010

THINGS THAT MAKE ME THINK OF YOU



When I try to describe what grieving the loss of a child is like to someone, one way I have described it is that at first truly it takes up almost all of you. I remember in that month that followed I went through the motions of life, being a mother to my living kids... but physically I was about 95 % consumed with the loss of my son. I was physically recovering from having a baby, but had no precious baby to show for it. I remember hugging people at Samuel's memorial service, and with each hug, my chest hurting more and more from the pressure of my milk coming in but having no baby to nurse. With each hug, a reminder that it would take weeks for that pain to go away, not getting relief how I was intended to get relief, by putting my sweet round faced child to my breast to bond and nurture. I know any of you who have had babies know the rest of the physical part of recovering from a having a baby. I guess I NEVER minded the recovery in the past, because it was just so worth it, you had your child to show for it. But I didn't have Samuel here... Was it worth it??? 100% yes, but the recovery process seems especially cruel when you are missing the child that you were expecting to take up all of your time.
About 6-8 weeks later when the physical side of things was getting better I think the emotional side then comes full circle. Now my mental state was pretty much 95% consumed with my loss. The shock had worn off and the reality of my loss had set in. Really, I think I did fairly well, caring for my other kids. We had food on the table, they were loved, cared for and nurtured, but I will admit that I wasn't completely there... mentally my mind was consumed with my baby who was gone. I had the realization that my purpose just wasn't what I thought it was going to be. You expect to have that new baby that would demand you attention almost 24/7... and that just wasn't there. The older kids are more independent and don't need the same type of care. Does that make sense??? I remember getting places and panicing, feeling like I had forgotten the baby at home, only to remember that baby would never fill that car seat... I didn't leave him at home... he would never be at home. I remember so badly just wanting to talk about him to someone... I didn't understand why people didn't want to hear about him. The poor dear friends and my sister who would call me would always get an earful about how I was feeling. There was so very much to accept emotionally and it really just takes so much time to get to the point where you fully have dealt with that all... and quite honestly, probably as you can tell by reading this post, that, I believe may be a life long process.
Where am I at now, you ask... well you didn't really ask, but I am going to share anyway:) I am so amazingly thankful for the healing that has taken place. I still have a long way to go:) I still think about him so much. I am a work in progress. If I had to put a number on it, I would say that 10% of me is still consumed with him. I guess, I think of all my responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, mothering, teaching, being a wife... Samuel is included in that... I am still his mother, and I can't help myself but think about him. I don't purposefully think about him, or cry about him.... it just happens. I have had some people ask if I feel like I HAVE to still grieve him... if I force myself to? ( I couldn't help but feel like they thought maybe it was unhealthy or I was milking it too much) But maybe it is something you wouldn't understand unless you have lost a child... you can't help yourself... you are a still a mother to that child, even if they aren't here with you... and just as you think of your other kids, you think of the child you lost....
These are things that make me think of you sweet precious Samuel...
When I lay on the bench in your garden in the dark at night and see the innumerable stars in the sky... I think of you in your heavenly home. What are you doing??? What is it like??? Will you welcome me when I join you someday??
When I feel the wind in my face... I sometimes imagine it is like a touch from you...( I know that may sound weird, but I am just keeping it real... and it feels good:)
When I am running in the rain... I can't help but feel lost in my love for you as the rain pelts my face.
I love when I see the rays from the sun shining though a really beautiful cloudy sky... I can't help but think of you.
A lot of time when I hear sweet baby girl making sweet sounds... I wonder what your voice would have sounded like???
I always think of you when I see any of the flowers blooming in your garden... new life... new life... they scream.
I always think of you when I see cardinals... this past Easter when I was getting the kids in the car for church there were 4 red cardinals playing around in the bird bath in your garden... love it!
When I think of the work the Lord is doing in my heart and in our home... I think of you... so much of it is a result of our experience of you in our life...
When I seeing hurting people and my heart breaks for them... I think of you... I know my heart has been softened as a result of losing you... I don't want hurting people to feel alone....
I always think of you when people remark on our children... Just the other day, Jojo came up to Greg at a funeral we were at... and someone asked is this your son?? Greg said, "Yes, it is our youngest. He looked at me and sort of snickered, thinking of Hope, we both said, "Well, not really." Then Greg said, " Well, actually it is my youngest son. " Then we both snickered again thinking of you Samuel, and both said, "Well, not really." There is so much in those glances between your dad and I and sometimes it is just too much to get into with some people... we know though... we know that our love for you is deep boy... so deep and intense... that love hasn't changed one bit boy since the day we said goodbye to you Samuel.
I could go on and on with all the things that make me think of you Samuel... I am so thankful that our minds work the way that they do... that they can help to keep your memory alive... keep you as a part of our family each day... Your family misses you son, and can't wait for our joyful reunion someday....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

THIS TIME LAST YEAR... IT IS ALL WORTH IT

Our family with Faith...
My how much difference one year can make... I think that Louis has changed the most, but they all look different.


I don't want people to always think I am living in the past... but sometimes I think the only way to really see how far you have come is to look back to where you have come from.

When I look back at pictures from one year ago... we were in such a different place. I can see great healing in my heart... Praise God. (I know I say this a lot,but I can't help myself... here it goes) Don't get me wrong, I still grieve the loss of my son Samuel every single day... in fact for some reason the ache in my heart for him has been heavier on my heart the last couple of days... I have had the tears come more often because I just down right miss him being here with us... I feel the void of him not being here with us. I miss what could have been, how things would be with him here. I look at sweet baby girl and I think what if we could have had them both.... I still want them both... I still desperately long for my son... right now there is the all too familiar feeling of that lump in my throat.


But even with all that being said, even with all that missing and longing... I am so thankful.

Thankful for the Lord carrying us through all that we experienced with Faith last summer. At this time a year ago... we were looking forward to the birth of her baby girl... who turned out to be a boy:) The baby girl we were to call our own... I remember being covered in an unexplainable peace the day of Joel's memorial service.

I am thankful that the Lord has brought sisters in Christ to my side. When I think of the deep loneliness I had been feeling... I am so thankful that the Lord brought me friends here near me that weren't afraid to be with me in my grief. I am thankful for the new friends he has brought me through my loss, that I never would have met otherwise. I now consider them dear real life friends. And I am so incredibly thankful for the girlfriends from far away, who were a lifeline to me last year and still are many days.

I am thankful for all the Lord has taught me through this journey the last 19 mos. I am thankful for Him restoring relationships that needed restoring.

I am thankful for Him walking along side of me through it all. And for Him carrying me when I couldn't take another step on my own.

I am so thankful for the precious new life he brought into our family in sweet baby girl last December... even though we still wait to see how things will turn out with her... we are so thankful for the joy and laughter she adds to our life... not to mention the constant commotion ... man, she is truly one of the busiest little people I know:)

And right now I am so very thankful for the Beth Moore Bible Study we started at church tonight. Wow, does that woman have a gift for unwrapping the most amazing details and nuggets of God's truth from His word. Truly, it gets me so excited. I remember last summer feeling like Esther had been specifically written for me. And already tonight after our first week of The Patriarchs... I am just excited to study His word and go through it this summer.

She even said in tonight's video that the book of Genesis is written in narrative form... just like a story being told to us. She mentioned about History, HIS STORY, being told through our lives. Then I had to laugh because she said, easy lives don't make for good stories... Even though we had walked through Greg's cancer early in our relationship, and the loss of a job, and being away from family... I would have said prior to losing Samuel that our lives had been pretty easy. But the last 19 mos have been anything but easy... It truly made me giggle out loud. It just made me think I want His story in my life to be a good story, one people want to read...

And in that moment it made me thankful the challenges He has allowed to enter our lives... the death, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness, all of it... I could actually say that I was thankful for it. If those things could in anyway allow people to see my Jesus, then it is all worth it... every tear, every sleepless night... every question... all of it... worth it!


Thank you Jesus for all the challenges you have allowed into our lives...
I know Lord that even though it hurt immensely, and still does, that it was all filtered through your loving hands.
Thank you Lord for not leaving us to walk this road alone... thank you for journeying with us through it... through the muddy, dirty waters of grief, and the sunny paths of joy.
Thank you for every step in this journey... for we know that you are molding us into more of who you want us to be... oooh how that molding can be painful Father, but we trust you.
Lord, may our story somehow bring you glory... somehow allow someone to see you Jesus in a new way. May my Samuel's story point people to you... Thank you for it all Lord... mostly thank you for being faithful through it all!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

SUPER SATURDAY

Jojo by the outdoor trains... he was loving it:)
Caleb and Josh

Annika and Anna



Ellie, the birthday girl and Jo:)


A busy Saturday it was. A neighbor of ours was part of the garden train tour in the city so we went over early and took a look. Jojo was completely enamored by the trains. It was pretty amazing all that they can do out in the yard... very impressive.



Then since the high was predicted to reach 100 degrees, yes you read that right, our sweet friends the Dinkelmans invited us over to hang out in their neighborhood pool... and that is what we did for hours. It was great. Our Jojo really took off today and actually was wanting to swim with out his life jacket. He did so much better than he has in the past. I wouldn't feel anywhere near confident to have him with out his jacket if I couldn't keep a REALLY close eye on him... but boy he is getting closer... he was so proud of himself...
I went a little crazy and planted some more squash... well really not more, like I said, what I thought was all squash is pumpkins... have any of you ever seen yellow pumpkins... some of them are starting out yellow. Weird. We also planted some eggplant and hot peppers. Atwoods had their plants 75% off, so they were a steal. We also picked up some pomegranate bushes to plant. We will see what happens with those. This family loves it at Christmas when the pomegranates are in season. We figured it was worth it for $2 a bush:)
Well, not too much else to update you on... I am looking forward to worship tomorrow and my Beth Moore bible study that starts this week. Yeah! She is amazing. I am hoping to maybe invite a neighbor gal to join me... we will see if that pans out. It will be another busy week, but I am determined to clean out the clutter for our garage sale in less than 2 weeks. Oh my, I don't even like to think about it, but it is needing to be done:) Praying you all have a very blessed Sunday :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A FEW SMALL CHANGES AROUND OUR HOME...


This week the oldest of these two crazy kids, is able to start attending youth group at our church.
All this week and next Louis is up at church all day for confirmation camp. They do a lot of class time, and then they also do some fun group building activities with the older youth kids. Can you pray for my heart... it is a mix of weird emotions. Our youth group is made up of kids 7th-12th grade. My personal opinion is that there is a HUGE difference in maturity and what kids KNOW when they are going into 7th grade (especially a home schooled 7th grader) compared to a young man or woman going to be a freshman in college....I am really thankful that they separate the kids for most bible studies and small group type things.
Please don't get the wrong idea, that I want our children to live in a cave:) Or to never be exposed to things... We just really want to expose them to them in our time... And truly that has happened so naturally, it has been a real blessing.
I know that there will be plenty of things that he may not get to participate in yet... and we have had a lot of discussions about the fact that just because it is youth group... doesn't mean that there may not be some possible bad stuff being discussed by kids, things happening etc. We are not naive to those things at all. We will be watching closely Louis closely to see how it goes... in fact in 2 weeks Greg is heading to Grenada with the youth group on one of their mission trips for this summer. We just really want Louis to be a light to hold fast to his convictions and beliefs and be encouraged in them. We are praying that will happen.
I am just thinking how did we get to this point so quickly... IT IS CRAZY! I had the most amazing experience in my youth group growing up. It was a HUGE time of faith growth for me. Truly the kids were fired up for the Lord. I am praying that Louis will be exposed to that same excitement about our Savior there, that I saw in my youth group growing up and that He sees in our home. I made some of the best life long friends in youth group growing up... dear friends that I am still close to today. I know I am biased, but he really is such an amazing kid... such a tender heart, and such a strong faith. He has had such a fun week so far, and I am really happy for him.
On another note, I decided to be a part of the advisory board for our local MEND chapter. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) I was really honored to be asked and so thankful that Greg encouraged me to do it. I feel incredibly strongly in their mission. Without MEND I truly am not sure how I would have coped that first year. They were one of my lifelines in putting one foot in front of the other to keep walking and functioning that year... They were a HUGE source of encouragement and support. I can't wait to see how God will use me to give back in some way to this group and to new moms and dads that are grieving the loss of their children.
As far as sweet baby girl goes... we know that we will still have her until at least the middle of July. The agency will give their consent to our adopting her next week I believe... and our petition to finalize the adoption is on file with the court. YAY! We will have had her 6 months and have done all of our post placement visits and such. There are still a couple more hearings that need to happen... Can I just say OH MY GOODNESS!!! It is amazing how things can be delayed, put off, etc in our court system. When it is your heart on the line and the hearts of your kids... all 5 of them... it seems to take soooooo long. At that point next month we will have had her with us in our home for over 7 months. We are praying the judge will really take that into consideration... she is bonded...she is safe... she is fully loved... she is attached... Would you pray with us for no more appeals... that is my prayer! I do feel a great deal of peace about it these days and I am so thankful to God for that. I know that is His work...but at the same time... I know this is far from over... In July we will finally get to do the hearing that was scheduled for March... so I am realistic that it may still be awhile... We will continue to trust Him with each step of this journey...
Oh, and we figured out we really do have tons of pumpkins growing in our garden... my neighbor reminded me that we had thrown our old pumpkins out there after Halloween last fall... Yay for pumpkins! The kids are thrilled... I am just hoping that they will be good in fall not that we have all these pumpkins full grown in July... no actually that would be pretty par for the course for this house:)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

HOW DOES OUR GARDEN GROW???

A FEW ROWS OF BEETS, KALE, AND KOHLRABI

OUR FIRST TRY AT A BOX GARDEN... PEPPERS AND TOMATOES

CARROTS, ONIONS, SPINACH, LETTUCE, AND MORE KOHLRABI.

BEANS AND PEAS


NOW HERE IS THE CRAZY PART... THE PART I AM SURE MY NEIGHBORS LOVE TO LOOK AT... ALL THE CRAZINESS THAT GREW UP FROM LAST YEAR...NOW THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT...THAT IS THE EASIEST KIND OF GARDENING. THE KIND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO PLANT AND IT JUST STARTS GROWING:) IT LOOKS A LITTLE WOOLY, BUT I COULDN'T JUST CUT IT DOWN FOR THE SAKE OF A DECENT LOOKING YARD.
WE HAVE BEEN EATING LETTUCE FOR THE LAST MONTH OUT OF HERE. THERE ARE ALSO A COUPLE TOMATO PLANTS... MAYBE SOME EGGPLANT, SOME YELLOW SQUASH, AND FOR A WHILE WE THOUGHT ZUCCHINI, BUT IT IS LOOKING MORE LIKE THERE MIGHT BE PUMPKINS GROWING.
THE HILARIOUS PART IS THAT LAST YEAR OUR GARDEN WAS A TOTAL DISASTER... VERY SMALL AMOUNT TO ACTUALLY HARVEST. THE THINGS THAT ARE GROWING UP THIS YEAR NEVER REALLY GREW LAST YEAR AND LAST YEAR THEY WERE PLANTED IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PART OF THE GARDEN. BIZARRE...
SO THIS YEAR WE DECIDED TO TRY A COUPLE OF BOX GARDENS. IN MY HEART I THINK THIS IS THE WAY TO GO... A LITTLE COSTLY TO START OUT. BUT THERE IS NO WEEDING... AHH... THAT IS THE BEST.
SO WE HAVE ANOTHER AREA OF THE GARDEN WITH ASPARAGUS THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO PICK NEXT YEAR. WE ALSO HAVE SOME RASPBERRY, BLACKBERRY, AND BLUEBERRY BUSHES. WE ARE ALSO HOPING TO GET THE CUCUMBERS AND POLE BEANS PLANTED TODAY... AND MAYBE SOME SPICES.:)
WE WILL SEE... I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON HOW AND IF THINGS KEEP GROWING. GARDENING IS SO FUN WITH THE KIDS. IT IS AMAZING TO SEE ALL OF THIS LIFE SPRING FORTH FROM A TINY SEED. WHAT A NEAT GIFT GOD GIVES US IN GARDENING.
HE IS THE ONE WHO MAKES IT GROW... NOW WE WILL SEE IF I CAN KEEP IT GROWING:)